*ALEX'S POV*
I don't like being in class.... Hell, who does?! But seriously. I always zone out which causes me to think, I can't listen to music, and i'm stupid. Not by choice, I try as hard as I can but it won't ever be good enough! It frustrates me because kids who don't even study get A's and B's, while I get D's on texts I studied hours for. I know I'm complaining, sorry... But unfortunately for you, you all get to see inside this insanelasyllum (also known as my mind.)
Trust me, my brain is definitely not somewhere you'd want to be! Here in my head I store: numerous wars, fights, black holes, constant sobs, screams, and self-torture. Basically everything I never allow anyone else to see...
At some time in the day, my insanity gets to this point of no return. It's like each time I reach this "point" it's me crossing a border into a foreign land. It's all so unfamiliar to me; and yet, my mental state finds this all very comforting. Don't ask me how it makes sense, because I honestly do not know.
But like I was saying... When I reach this "mental point"... All Hell breaks loose in me. Literally. I imagine decorating fires, endless storms, death of everything that breaks me slight happiness, vicious screams traveling, and violence. A lot of violence. I wish I could lose it like I do in my head. It'd make it a lot easier than bottling it all up...
In this one Linkin Park song, Figure.09, there's a line I often think of. He raps "-put pain on display. But I didn't realize, instead of setting it free. I-I took what I hated and made it apart of me." For some reason that quote really speaks to me in a way. Because sometimes people tend to believe they're ridding themselves of pain by ignoring it. But it's not actually gone. It's still there... All of the anger and hurt. It's just disguised. And, sometimes it's not recognizable at first. Until the feelings are forcefully brought back and you realize they weren't ever gone. They were simply bottled, and stored a way. By the time you notice this, the pain is constantly burned into you. You can't ignore it for a single day of your life. It's always there, right beneath your skin (which reminds me of the song Papercut, also by Linkin Park!! But that's a different meaning, I just like music okay.)
I used to have these really brilliant green eyes. They're hard to explain but they were always so bright and.... Happy. I guess once you get depressed, you find little things to make yourself worse. Maybe some of you can relate?? If not, then i'm not sure how else to explain this.
It's like if you were to get trapped in a deep, dark well. You'd think back to everything like how you miss grass, or sunshine. Or even that little crack in the pavement you used to trip on as a small child. All that seems happy to you, though it most likely wasn't.
Depression is fascinating, in a way. You constantly think back to, "I was so happy! How could I have taken it for granted?" You start to question your smile in old pictures, your friend in first grade that moved away and you never heard from again. And somewhere along the way of losing sane, you manage to wish you could see that friend again. That person you only knew for a few months... You start to tell yourself that if you got that friend back, you'd be happy because everything would be the same in life.
Well guess what! Your happiness never depended solemnly on one thing you remember from the time you were happy. It wouldn't change anything. Because for whatever reason it is, you're not happy. If it's a long-term disorder you've gotten; It's not anyone's fault, or any one event that changed your whole life. It was everything. Every second of every day since the day you were born has led up to this now.
So if I really want to blame the last one of my mom's boyfriends that left, I might as well go back and blame every single one that left. I might as well blame my parents for not loving each other before they conceived me, or blame the fact that they didn't think of the outcomes of their actions. I should blame my druggie grandfather for the mess he made, and never did pick up. I should blame every person i've ever trusted, but shouldn't have. I should blame everything. JUST because it's all the way it is now. Right??? Well, I do. And I don't mean to, and I don't try to.
See. This is EXACTLY why I cannot sit in class, and be left with just my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's quiet. A solid, peaceful, quiet.
It's breezy and cold out. But I don't mind at all, actually. I sigh heavily and gently shut my book closed, being careful not to bend the cover. I glance at my phone.
5:17
Mom: Leavin at 5:30
Me: Ok, love you!
I would've texted something like "see you soon," but I know that i won't. It's not that big of a deal at all though, don't get me wrong! I'm pretty much used to this. She's not actually leaving work until she texts something like: "sry, got held up. Leavin now!"
But I really don't mind. It gives me more quietness outside. And I really need my daily dose of that! I mean, at home i'm not allowed outside; and during school hours, there is no chance of quietness!! So this is the time I enjoy most. Though it is freezing. And boring.... Occasionally it gets lonely. OCCASIONALLY. Most of the time I prefer the loneliness though. But other times I almost give in the the sneer that is called socializing.
When I run out of things to do, sitting on this wall thingy at my school, I just tend to sit and think. Maybe listen to some music and close my eyes.... It's quite relaxing most times! But then you'll have the occasional teacher-that-worked-late walking by to leave and it's really awkward...
Then there's the people that have late practices for sporting events (which is rarer), but indeed more awkward.
I plug in my earbuds and click on the top playlist, "The Kind of Hopeful Sad." I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower a while back and that one quote really stuck with me... It was my favorite book too, I think.
I click on shuffle and Skyscraper by Demi Lavato (also, one of my idols) comes on. I used to dislike this one actually, thinking it was just another song. But when you're going through something, no matter what it is, listening to music that relates to you makes you feel better.
Music just has a way of making life tolerable when everything else feels hopeless. And for that, earbuds are always either in my pocket or in my ears.
The song gets to the first chorus and since nobody's around, I start mouthing the lyrics.
I see a flash of a shadow or something to my right and I immediately shut my mouth. It's coming closer and i decide to drag my head into the book that laid next to my side.
My eyes flicker up the the figure as it comes into view, oh shit.
I hear a muffled, "hey!" leave his mouth and I pull out one of my earbuds.
"Hi," I send him a small smile and he climbs up the fence to sit next to me.
"What are you doing here so late?"
"Oh, um nothing much. I stay here late sometimes."
I think he got the clue cause he just nodded his head in an, "oh..", a few strands of dirty blonde hair falling in his eyes.
He leaned closer so his arm brushed mine and I struggled not to tense up noticeably. And in a lower voice he asked, "So.... Whatcha listening to?"
I handed him the other earbud and he gratefully accepted it. I went to skip the rest of Skyscraper but he placed his hand on mine. "Nah, start it from the beginning."
I gulped, but nodded, starting it from the beginning.
"Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?"
I glanced at him, and he turned to meet my eye. He smiled softly, and I returned it. I've only talked with him in English class, this is kinda weird.
"You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper"
"As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet"
Out of my right eye I can tell he's really paying attention to the lyrics, staring off into nowhere.
"You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
(Like a skyscraper)
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper"
It goes onto the next song, Fake A Smile by Radford.
He seems to enjoy it.
We go through a couple more songs before he pulls out his own earbud.
"You have a good taste in music. Sad... but meaningful." He smiles and I genuinlly smile back. The music and books you surround yourself with usually reflect who you are or what you feel. Sad but meaningful is just about the greatest compliment I've gotten in a while. I mumble a thanks and reach over to pause the song, he glances at my hand.
In nearly an instant, he cups my one hand with both of his, observing it. "Alex... what happened??" He does actually seem concerned. But I know he's not. It's just my mind tricks I pull on myself. To make me hopeful, only to have the hope yanked back again, leaving me miserable.
I pull my hand away gentily and answer, "Oh.. just got in a fight. Y' know." I intentionally put a bit of cockiness in my voice, hoping this conversation will go anywhere but here.
"No. Really. What happened??" He grasps my hand again, this time running his soft fingertips across the bruises and cuts that lie directly over my knuckles.
"N-nothing.." I whisper, my voice beyond horse. I can't let anyone get this close to me. I don't like getting touched. It's comforting and safe; but those kinds of feelings leave stupid people like me completely vulnerable.
His eyes look up to mine, looking for a hint of lie. "This doesn't look like nothing. Tell me.... please." With that tone he's using, I know this is a trap. This is why I stay away from people. This is why nobody is allowed to get near me, or see me.
I swallow my upcoming sobs before speaking with strength. "It's nothing. And I'm fine." I send him a warm smile but he doesn't return it.
I see my phone light up with only one word, "Here." So i pick up my book, phone, and backpack. I hop off, and onto the sidewalk. Sending a single wave back to Noah. He returns it, still with a glint of confusion in his eyes.
As I'm walking away, I darkly mutter another, "I'm fine." Mocking me because I know that I'm not.