Virgil blinked awake to the sun streaming in through the windows. Roman was still sleeping beside him, a dreamy smile on his face.
Dork, Virgil thought, giving his boyfriend a fond look. Cute, though.
He leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. "Rise and shine, sleepyhead."
Roman's eyes fluttered open. "Morning, Sunshine," he murmured.
"So." Virgil sat up. "Last night was... an experience."
"Yeah, no shit," Roman said. "We had sex for the first time."
"Yep."
Roman's smile faded a little. "On... on the same night that one of our friends got attacked by my insane cousin."
Virgil paused. "Yeah. We... we did that."
"Wow." Roman looked down. "And that was also the same night that I found out just how insane my dad is."
"Well, when you put it like that, it doesn't sound so good," Virgil said, biting his lip.
Roman nodded. "Yeah, not... not really how you'd like to remember your first time."
"That's an understatement," Virgil muttered.
Silence.
"It was nice, though," Roman said. "Even if the circumstances weren't ideal."
Virgil snapped his fingers. "What if last night doesn't count?"
Roman blinked. "Sorry?"
"Why don't we just call that a trial run?" Virgil suggested, turning towards him. "Like, that was just to test stuff out, get all the kinks sorted out---uh, pun not intended."
"Oooooooh," Roman said, understanding. "So, last night wasn't our official first time?"
"Nope, just practice for the official one."
"All right, I feel better now," he decided.
"Good." Virgil leaned over and kissed Roman on the neck. "Because I'm gonna plan it, and it's gonna knock your socks off."
Roman beamed. "Can't wait."
Another thing occurred to Virgil. "Should we tell Janus and Remus?"
"God no," Roman answered automatically. "We'd never hear the end of it. Besides, me and Remus need our game faces on for today."
"Right, right." Virgil stretched. "We should probably get dressed."
"Unfortunately," Roman muttered. Virgil swatted him with a pillow.
............
"Oh, good of you to join us, boys," Janus called, turning around. "We thought we'd have to start the show without you."
"Yeah, ha ha, shut up," Virgil said. "When your shadow spider demon leaves cobwebs everywhere and draws a dick in blood on every other mirror, you gotta clean it up."
"Huh, I was wondering about that," Remus commented. "Thought I was sleepwalking again."
"Not even gonna ask."
Roman sighed. "Okay, let's just go and get this---"
"WAIT!" Remus held up a hand. "There's something different."
Virgil raised an eyebrow. "What do you---"
"The air between the two of you. It's... it's changed. The wholesomeness... there's less of it than there used to be." Remus narrowed his eyes. "And the still-unresolved sexual tension... it's gone."
Aaaaaaaaaaaah shit.
Janus gasped and clapped his hands over his mouth. "Oh. My. Fucking. Gods."
"Guys---" Virgil sighed.
"YOU TWO HAD SEX!" Janus and Remus screeched. Virgil buried his head in his hands.
"Not officially?" Roman said, scratching the back of his neck. "I mean, the circumstances weren't ideal, so we decided to just call it a trial run---"
"Hey, I don't care what you call it," Remus interrupted. "I just gotta know one thing."
"Which is?"
Remus grinned. "Who was on top?"
Roman turned bright red. "Well, I mean, it doesn't really matter---"
"Me," Virgil announced, raising his hand.
Remus nodded. "Yep, checks out."
"Oooooh, lucky boy," Janus said, shoving Virgil slightly. "Didn't know you had it in you."
Virgil smirked. "How do you know I was lucky?"
"HEY!" Roman said indignantly.
"Relax, I was just teasing. You're good."
"Well, to answer your very interesting question, Mr. Hayashi, I'd like to remind you that your boyfriend is my boyfriend's identical twin," Janus said casually, looking at his gloved fingernails. "And if their body types are exactly alike, well..." He smirked. "All I can say is congratulations."
"Okay, shut up," Roman cut in. "That's really none of your business---"
"Roman, you are my future brother-in-law and the boyfriend of one of my best friends!" Janus exclaimed. "I have full right to tease you about this!"
"Guess we have more in common than we thought, huh?" Remus said, ruffling Roman's hair.
"Both of you, shut up!" Roman snapped, batting Remus's hand away. "We both agreed that it didn't count, because between what happened last night and what we have to do now, it shouldn't be a night to remember for anything but the wrong reasons! So drop it, okay?"
Janus and Remus both fell silent, looking a little bit guilty.
"Good." Roman exhaled. "I'm glad we got that out of the way. Now, if you'll excuse us, Janus, me and my brother need to have a little chat with our sperm donor."
Remus cringed. "Oh. Yeah. I was... I was kinda hoping not to think about---"
"Well, we have to think about it now, so come on." Roman started off down the hall, dragging Remus along with him.
Virgil looked over at Janus. "So, you wanna eavesdrop, or...?"
"I think it's better that this conversation stays private," Janus answered. "I mean, we should absolutely be on standby in case things get out of hand, but let's leave them alone for the most part."
"Cool." Virgil awkwardly scuffed his foot on the floor. "So, what are we gonna---"
"How'd Nox take it?"
Virgil blinked. "Uh, what?"
"Your shadow, Virgil," Janus reminded him with a small smirk. "Don't tell me you've forgotten he exists. How'd he take you and Roman..." He waved his hand around. "You know?"
"I, uh, actually don't know." Virgil looked down at the form of Nox on the floor---even though it was midwinter, the lights inside were bright, so he was pretty visible. "What did---"
"I ducked out the second that kiss became open-mouthed," Nox told him. "Thought it might be better to give you two some privacy." He winked. "Congrats, though."
Virgil relayed it back to Janus, who gave an approving nod. "If I had a living shadow, I'd prefer if he didn't stick around when me and Remus went for a ride."
"Well, that'd mean he'd have to duck out every other night."
Janus gave Virgil a punch on the shoulder. "Hey, I just agreed to not badger you about your sex life, so don't badger me about mine."
"All right, all right." Virgil rubbed his shoulder. "How you holding up?"
Janus paused, then let out a heavy sigh. "If you're expecting me to cry on your shoulder and agonize over everything that happened last night, then you're out of luck. I'm not nearly as pitiful as I was when you first met me."
"You were never pitiful," Virgil assured him. "Hell, I never really even saw you cry. And crying isn't such a bad thing, anyways."
"Well, I'm not upset about anything in my life anymore," Janus said, tucking a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "I mean, I'm not 'having a mental breakdown on my boyfriend's shoulder' upset, and I'm not scared, either. Of course I'm still terrified of... well, Augustass's mum, but I'm not scared of him, and I'm not scared of Isabelle. I'm just angry."
Virgil sat down on a nearby bench and patted the seat beside him. "Well, tell me. What're you angry about?"
Janus sat down. "I dunno, I just... okay, you know how in Deadpool, Wade says that life is basically a shitshow with commercial breaks of happiness?"
"Yeah, I bribed my dad into letting me watch it. So?"
"Well, that's a pretty accurate description of my life." Janus twisted his fingers together. "It just feels like I can't catch a break. So many awful things are happening, I'm starting to lose track. And with every bad thing that happens, I just get madder and madder, and I know that it's not going to stop anytime soon---the Divinity Circle isn't going to let up that easily, and they haven't even started attacking countries yet, and---ugh." He buried his head in his hands. "I just want to be happy with my friends, family, and the love of my life. That's it. It's not even that much to ask."
Virgil hesitated, then patted him on the shoulder. "Look, you don't deserve the shit you go through. Bad things happen to good people... or, well, bad things happen to morally grey people, and that's a fact of life. But that doesn't mean that it's never gonna improve, okay? Even in the shitshow, there's little bits of happiness, and you just gotta find them."
Janus gave him a grateful smile. "For someone who's got clinical anxiety, you do a good job at cheering people up."
"Yeah, I've practiced on myself."
"No, I practiced on you and passed my skills down," Nox corrected.
Virgil subtly flipped him the bird. "Just... don't lose hope, okay? Promise?"
"I promise." Janus let out a little laugh. "Would you mind if I quoted Brooklyn 99 in this heartfelt moment?"
"I really don't care."
Janus grinned. "In another timeline, you and I would've made a hot-ass couple."
Virgil shoved him as Janus burst out into cackles. "I don't date goth kids."
"Yeah, you like to be the edgiest one in the relationship, don't you?"
A crashing sound came from the other room, causing both of them to shoot to their feet and run down the hall.
Roman and Remus stormed out of the room, Xavier following. "Mijos---" he started.
"NO!" Roman screamed, spinning back around. "No, YOU DON'T GET TO CALL US THAT! YOU ARE NOT OUR FATHER! WE ARE NOT YOUR SONS!"
"You're being unreasonable!" Xavier shouted.
Remus slammed a tentacle into a nearby wall. "Unreasonable? UNREASONABLE?! You hire someone to kill Roman's boyfriend and get your niece-in-law to attack my boyfriend, and you're fucking calling US unreasonable?! WE HAVE A GODDAMNED RIGHT TO BE UPSET, SHITFACE!"
Janus leaned in towards Virgil. "You want to interject?" he whispered.
"Give it a minute," he muttered in response.
"For God's sake, boys, you're acting like children," Xavier said in an exasperated tone. "I did it for both of your sakes---"
"Okay, that's it." Virgil stepped forward, giving him a fake smile. "Mr. Sanchez? Hi. Virgil Hayashi here---you know, the guy you failed to kill last night. Did Roman happen to mention what happened to that assassin you sent?"
Xavier looked at him like he was something that a dog had just vomited. "Are you speaking to me?"
"No, I'm threatening you, there's a difference," Virgil said. "See, I'd ask you if you're familiar with Japanese folklore, but I'm pretty sure that you're the kind of asshole who only studies the pretentious, white-dude classics, so---"
"Don't you dare play the race card on me," Xavier snapped, stabbing a finger at him. "You don't have the right to---"
Virgil shushed him, waving a hand around. "No, see, I don't think you understand. I'm talking right now, which means you shush. Basic etiquette. Learn it."
Xavier turned bright red.
"Oh my god," Roman whispered, covering his mouth with one hand.
"All right, so, for context, I take inspiration from Greek and Japanese mythology in order to create horrifying and deadly shadow monsters, and the most horrifying and deadly is the Jorogumo," Virgil continued. "She's basically a big spider lady, and she eats exactly like how a real spider eats. Do you know how a real spider eats, Mr. Sanchez?"
"I don't need a dammed biology lesson---"
"They suck the guts out," he said. "They suck aaaaaaall of those inner bits out. And that is what happened to your guy, Mr. Sanchez---my Jorogumo tangled him in her webs, ripped him open, sucked out all of his organs, and left everything else for my other shadow monsters to snack on."
Xavier looked a little less angry and disgusted and a little more scared. "What---what's the point to all of this?"
"My point is that if you don't leave my boyfriend and best friend alone---both of my best friends, actually," Virgil added, jerking a thumb over to Janus, "then that's gonna happen to you. I wouldn't normally condone Kiki making herself sick, but I think I'd be willing to make an exception."
None of the others spoke.
"So!" Virgil beamed. "Either you leave us alone for, oh, I'd say the rest of our fucking lives, or you suffer a fate known to experts as Death By Giant Spider. It's really up to you."
"I... I think I'd prefer it if you kept your---your Joor Gummy thing away from me," Xavier said, straightening his tie and backing away a little.
"Jo-ro-gu-mo," Virgil said slowly. "It's not hard."
"I---"
Virgil gasped and clapped his hands. "Oh, by the way, I wasn't technically gonna tell you this, since we decided that, y'know, given the circumstances, it didn't really count---but I fucked your son last night. Just FYI."
"Okay, I thiiiiink that's enough," Roman said under his breath, gently starting to pull him away. "He looks like he's going to---"
"And call me a sinner if you like, but it was amazing and we are so going to do it again!" Virgil said gleefully, flipping Xavier off with both hands. "Suck it, you homophobic asshole! Shame! Shame on you for being such a dickhead parent! SHAME!"
Xavier balled his fists. "Get out. Get out of my house. All of you."
"With pleasure, fucker!" Virgil sang.
Roman pulled him down the stairs, Janus and Remus following.
"Holy shit, Virgil," Roman hissed. "That was incredible to watch and all, but when dealing with someone like him, there is a line."
Virgil folded his arms. "I have no regrets."
"And rightfully so," Janus said, grinning. "I've never been that entertained in my life."
"Boys?"
The twins looked up to see Francesca standing in the front hall, her makeup all smudged up from crying.
"H---hi, Mom," Remus murmured, looking away.
She ran over to them. "I had no idea, I swear. If I'd known---if I knew what he was trying to do---I didn't know, I promise, I swear on my life---"
"It's alright, Mrs. Sanchez," Janus said gently. "We know you didn't have a hand in this."
Francesca shook her head. "Not Mrs. Sanchez. Not after this. I've put up with my husband's bullshit for over twenty years, but this is the last straw. I'm filing for divorce as soon as I can."
"And I'm very proud of you for doing so," Janus told her. "But I think your sons need a little bit more time. I'd recommend giving them some space for a while."
She looked up. "Roman? Remus?"
Roman bit his lip. "He's... yeah."
Francesca let out a sigh. "All right. I understand. Just---I love you both."
The elation that Virgil was feeling just a minute ago faded as she left.
He squeezed Roman's hand. "Are you okay?"
Roman nodded. "Yeah. I will be eventually."