There was a lightness in Lily's step. The weight was lifted. He future, altered. She was back on the right path, or at least the path that didn't end with her being a teenage mother. This was what she wanted and she should have been happy, but she wasn't. Instead, she was once again consumed by guilt. It seemed to be an inescapable emotion, only this time it was different. She felt guilty for not being sad at the loss of her child and over not wanting it to begin with. She felt like a horrible human being, and the worst part was that she couldn't talk to anyone about it. The only person who knew what she had been through was Ford, and there was no way he would be able to sympathize with her struggle. After all, he wanted the baby. He was devastated by the loss. At least she thought he was. How could he possibly understand her relief? She was worried he would think something was wrong with her for feeling the way she did. Hell, Lily even wondered if something was wrong with her. Her head told her she should be mourning, but instead she felt like celebrating.
She didn't know how to be around Ford. She felt like she needed to play a role, the grieving mom-to-be, only she was cast in the wrong part. In some ways she resented Ford for getting her into this situation in the first place. She knew, of course, that it wasn't entirely his fault. It took two to make a baby, but it was easier to try and place the blame elsewhere. Maybe it was a defense mechanism to lessen the tremendous amount of guilt she felt, but whatever it was, there was a shift in Lily. She felt it and so did Ford. They'd gone too far, and now trying to go back to what it was before the baby, just wasn't possible. They both knew, but Lily was the one who couldn't fake it anymore.
None of the feelings Lily was experiencing made sense to her. She didn't know how to process them so instead, she turned cold towards Ford. It was easier than telling the truth or talking about what had happened. Subconsciously, she was sabotaging the relationship. On some level, she hoped that if she was cruel or aloof then maybe Ford wouldn't want to be with her. Then he could end it and Lily could wash her hands of whatever it was they had been. She could pretend like none of it had ever happened.
After a week of practically being ignored, Ford asked Lily to meet him in their usual spot in the theater storage room. Lily thought about not showing up but she could only dodge Ford for so long. She told herself that things would get better once it was over. She just needed to get it done with: rip off the proverbial bandaid. Then she could focus on finishing up the remaining few weeks of the school year. Once she was graduated, she would put all her energy into getting the hell out of Oakley.
She found Ford in his normal spot, leaned up against the faux rock. But instead of his usual seductive look, his eyes were filled with pain: a pain that Lily felt she had caused. It would be better for him too if she were gone. Their relationship had done nothing but cause trouble, not just for them, but between Grant and Ford. Once their relationship was over, and Lily had left town, Ford could repair his friendship with Grant. She figured their friendship was more important than whatever it was that she and Ford had shared.
She kept her distance, not wanting to get too close. Ford still possessed a power over Lily, that she was acutely aware of, as her heart always began to beat faster the second he entered a room. He was pretty much the only boy Lily knew who actually looked hotter the more vulnerable he was. It was hard not to go to him and make him feel better, but Lily was smart enough to know that it would be a temporary fix to a much larger problem.
"Lily, what's going on with you?" he finally spoke, breaking the tension.
"What do you mean?" she replied, with little emotion behind the words.
"I know what you went through was tough but..."
His use of the word "tough" angered Lily. "Tough" was a massive understatement.
"I can help you," he continued. "We can get through this together."
She was so tired of hearing those words.
He stepped toward her, but she recoiled. Her disgust towards him was evident, but Ford couldn't figure out why. He furrowed his brow, hurt and confused.
"Get through it together? What a bunch of bullshit Ford," she responded angrily. "We weren't pregnant together. We didn't have morning sickness together. And we most certainly didn't have a miscarriage together. I did all of that...alone. ME, Ford. Not you. All you did was stick your dick in me and knock me up."
He was shocked by her anger. He couldn't figure out what he had done wrong or how everything between the two of them had gone south so quickly. He barely recognized the angry, cold Lily that stood before him. He knew the real Lily was in there somewhere: his Lily, the one he had fallen in love with. He wanted to help her find her way back, but he couldn't do that if she wouldn't let him.
"What the hell Lily? Why are you acting this way? I did try to be there for you, but you pushed me away, just like you are now. You're hurt. I get it. But I know we can survive this. We can find our way through. It'll just take some time," he pleaded.
Lily's eyes welled up with tears, perched on the edge of her lid, waiting for their release.
Ford stepped closer and again Lily took a step back so again he moved towards her until she was cornered up against the wall.
"I know you still feel something for me. That kind of connection doesn't just go away overnight."
Lily's eyes fell to the ground, trying to avoid eye contact. She didn't want to break. Ford lifted her chin up so she was forced to look him in the eyes.
"Tell me you don't want me."
She tried to turn away, but he pulled her chin back towards him again. He wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.
"Tell me you don't want me and I'll never bother you again."
Lily's body ached for Ford. Part of her wanted him to throw her up against the wall and take her right then and there, but the hurt was too much. She was on the verge of completely losing self control. She knew she had to end it now and get away from him before she broke.
"I don't want you," she said, in the cruelest voice she could muster.
Ford was silent. She was worried that he saw straight through the lie, but her words were like a dagger to his heart and he immediately released his hand from her face and stepped back.
"If you walk away from us today, then that's it," he threatened.
"Then I guess that's it," Lily said coldly, trying to maintain her composure.
"So you're ending it then?"
She nodded, but felt the need to offer him some sort of explanation.
"The baby was just too much, Ford," she said taking a deep breath. "I can't go back now. Everything has changed," she continued to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over.
"That's bullshit and you know it," now it was Ford who was angry. "We would have wound up here with or without the baby. You want out of this town more than you want anything....including me."
"Yeah Ford, I do want out of here and there's nothing wrong with that," she yelled back at him while wiping the tears from her cheeks that had finally begun to fall. "You just loved when I was pregnant because it meant I would have to stay here. I'd be trapped here, forever...with you!"
"Well it looks like you don't have to worry about that anymore."
He waited for Lily to reply, but her silence said everything.
"Alright then," he nodded in understanding.
Ford walked toward the rock and picked up his cowboy hat. He ran his hand through his hair and placed the hat on his head.
"I'll see you around Lils," he said sadly, and turned to leave.
As soon as Lily heard the door shut behind him, she fell to her knees and sobbed. She cried until her tear ducts ran dry. Then she pulled herself together and got to her feet. She took a deep cleansing breath and grabbed her things. She needed to get out of there.
Lily walked home, but as she walked, the sadness faded and was replaced with anger, maybe because anger was an easier emotion to handle. And she wasn't just mad; Lily was irate, and not just at Ford, but at everyone. She couldn't believe the things Ford had said to her, but it wasn't just him. She was so sick of people underestimating her or trying to make her feel bad about her mistakes or thinking something was wrong with her because she wanted out of Oakley. No one, NO one, understood what she had gone through in her life. She had grown up with a miserable, depressed mother who didn't know how to love her, until she couldn't take anymore, and that's when Lily and Violet had found her lying dead on the beach. Only it was Lily who had seen it all. She had shielded her sister's eyes so that Violet wouldn't have to have the image of their mother's smashed head forever burned into her brain.
Lily had always felt like she was never enough, which seemed to be confirmed when her mother decided she would rather die than raise her and Violet. She didn't even bother to leave a note for her two young daughters. What sort of a mother did that?
Lily kicked a large rock and swore under her breath. As soon as she got home, she marched into her room and slammed the door shut. Violet sat on her bed with a confused look on her face.
"Whoa, what's going on?" she asked.
Her tone wasn't rude, but Lily interpreted it that way. It felt like the entire world was out to get her.
"Why do you always have to be so damn nosey?" she snapped.
"Excuse me?" Violet said, taken aback by her sister's tone.
"You heard me! You're always sticking your nose where it doesn't belong."
"Is this about you and Ford?"
"Ugh! No Violet, it's not about Ford," she lied, not wanting to hear her sister utter the judgmental words, "I told you so."
Violet rolled her eyes in disbelief.
"Not everything is about a boy."
"It is with you," Violet said condescendingly.
"God, you're just so perfect Violet, aren't you? Life must be so hard for you, sitting atop your ivory tower looking down on the rest of us."
Violet wasn't sure how to respond. They'd gotten in plenty of fights, but she'd never seen her sister like this before. Lily's entire demeanor had been off for weeks and she couldn't figure out why.
"Maybe you should calm down," she suggested.
"And maybe you should grow up and realize that some of us are dealing with real-world shit. We're not all just hulled up in our bedroom with our noses stuck in books." That's when her eyes went to the teddy bear sitting next to Violet.
"Why do you keep this stupid bear?" she said, grabbing the stuffed animal their mother had given to Violet.
"Mom gave it to me."
"Yeah, so? It's not like she loved us. This damn bear has been here for you more than our own mother!"
"Lily that's not fair," Violet said, and the tears began to well up in her eyes. She didn't know what she had done to be on the receiving end of Lily's wrath.
"Not fair? No Vi, what's not fair is that I discovered our mother's broken bloody corpse smashed up against a rock when I was just a kid. What's not fair is that instead of being a carefree child, I had to grow up over night and help raise you! But you know what, I'm tired of putting myself last and I'm not gonna do it anymore."
She threw the bear onto the ground, grabbed her jean jacket and purse.
"Where are you going?"
"Out."
"Lily, maybe you should sit down for a minute, clear your head."
"I don't think my head's ever been clearer," she said and stormed out of the room.