"Hey you two, sorry that it took so long, I brought chips and your favourite gummy bears and..." He paused when his gaze fell on me.
"Loubear, what is that?" He was obviously staring at the tube in my nose and I wanted to hide under the covers again.
"Oh, don't worry Harry, this is just in case he can't keep solid foods in his body." Edda stepped in for me.
"Okay then... but that doesn't hurt, does it?" He put the light blue cooler bag that he had brought with him on the table, came up to me, lifted my chin gently and examined the new, strange-looking tubes on me.
"No, no, they don't hurt bubs. Everything is fine." I shook my head slightly to signal that he could take his hand away now.
"We have to get a movie, guys. Come on, the library downstairs closes on time." Edda winked at me unnoticed when Harry lifted me into the wheelchair and took the IV dispenser with him.
The library was a makeshift room with a view of the city. There was a shelf with films, one with games for children and a slightly larger one with books. Not a breath-taking selection, but certainly a welcome opportunity for long-term patients to get distracted.
"You decide, I've seen every film out here at least once." Edda said and went to the bookshelf in front of which she seemed to be focusing on a book, but could not reach for it.
Harry saw her struggle and left me alone in front of the shelf for a moment to help Edda.
"Little dwarf." He giggled and read what was on the cover of the book.
"Damn, you're in hospital and you are reading that Grey's Anatomy stuff?"
"It will keep me busy for some time." She shrugged and took the novel from his hands.
"Did you find something you like, love?" My boyfriend asked when he came back to put his big hands on my shoulders from behind.
I nodded and passed him the DVD case I was holding in my hands over my shoulder.
"Again?" He sighed in amusement.
"Which one does he want to see?" Edda asked, studying the blurb of her novel with interest.
Harry held the case up in the air to present it.
"We watch it at least once every two weeks."
"Don't judge me, I like E.T. He's cute." Pouting, I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"Okay, okay, I don't say anything. Then let's go back up."
Edda put us on a list that the patients kept on a base of trust and put some loose change in the by standing piggy bank for the book and the DVD.
When we were back in the room, the three of us snuggled into my bed. Harry had put his cooler bag at the foot end and Edda was fighting with the remote control which apparently often didn't work that well.
"I swear if cancer doesn't bring me to the grave, it'll be the damn technology in this house." She put a hand over her mouth when she realized what she had just said. And right, it wasn't very beneficial.
"Sorry." She whispered disappointed in herself.
"Not the right word choice for a day like today."
"Let's forget that." Harry reached in and pulled the bag onto his lap.
"I think we should see if the spaghetti ice cream is also liquid this time." He made me grin and Edda needed a long explanation with every detail of our first meeting.
At some point it even worked with the film and it turned out that everything was much funnier together with Edda, because she couldn't take fantasy stories seriously and consistently questioned logic.
She was a hopeless realist.
We laughed a lot and were even admonished by the night nurse because we were obviously too loud.
I enjoyed this last evening before the conversation that lay ahead of me, this last evening of the halfway existing light-heartedness.
I was lying on Harry's chest, his fingers tangled up in my hair and I felt my eyes slowly close, even if Edda and Harry were still deep in conversation.
-
I was woken up early the next morning by a nurse who was changing the IV bag.
"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up, young man."
I sighed softly and nodded to acknowledge her apology. When she left the room, I leaned tightly against Harry, who was sleeping peacefully in front of me.
I couldn't sleep anymore and fished my cell phone from the windowsill to turn it on again.
A new message popped up and caught my attention right away.
November 28th
Mark had written to me at four that night.
What is there? I wrote back with a frown and wondered feverishly who could have their birthday this day. Most of all, I wondered why he was reminding me now. After we had quarrelled the day before. I was surprised to register that he had read my message directly and was already in the process of writing an answer. It wasn't taken for granted; it was six o'clock in the morning.
Your death date, Louis.
I stared in disbelief at the bright screen for an indefinite period of time, my eyes wandering over the outline of every single letter of his message. It could have been seconds, but it could also have been half an hour.
I didn't stop staring until another message popped up.
That was your wish, wasn't it? I spoke to Lottie. I'm sorry Lou for trying to push you into chemo. Please don't be mad at me anymore. Please don't ever be again.
I was overwhelmed. He took a great burden off me. And I had expected a lot, but not such an admission.
The only difficult thing would now be to teach Harry as gently as possible.
I was pretty excited when I padded out of bed to take a shower in the bathroom. When the pleasantly temperate water ran over my bare skin, I thought about how I would tell him.
I felt bad and selfish for being so happy. It was like Christmas and a birthday in one day, for a small child, which I have actually been able to experience all my life. When I was little, it was the best thing ever.
I knew Harry's world would collapse but I hoped with a small, very optimistic part of me that he would be happy for me too when I explained everything to him.
I couldn't wait to get this conversation over with, I couldn't wait to begin the absolute rest of my life. Without any secrets and hopefully happy.
I had thought of something and immediately after the shower I sat in the wheelchair, which I now got along very well, and drove to the nurses' room to scrounge a Thermus pot of coffee.
Then I woke Harry, quietly and carefully so that Edda didn't wake up too.
"Louis." He nagged in his grumpy morning mood.
"Another quarter of an hour, please."
I grinned.
"Come on Sunshine, come here and cuddle with me, I'm cold."
"You can dress against that, bubs."
"You sound like my grandmother." He giggled and finally sat himself up on the bed. His hair was dishevelled from sleep and his nose was a little reddened. In amusement, I nudged it with my index finger and then breathed a quick kiss on it.
"You catched a cold?" I asked with a stupid smile on my face.
"Probably...why in such a good mood darling? Is there something I need to know?"
The boundless hope in his eyes made my heart contract painfully for a brief moment. Yes, there was something he needed to know, but he probably wouldn't be half as happy about it as I am.
I nodded, cocked my head and looked dreamily at the boy in front of me. "Morning walk?"
"If you then enlighten me." He answered an got up.
-
We were walking through the hospital park again. Harry pushed me in front of him in the wheelchair with the IV dispenser in hand and gleefully looked at the lawn, which was coloured mint by the white of the first frost.
He had carefully wrapped me in a blanket before we went out and put gloves and a scarf on himself.
I loved winter, I had always loved it, but I would never live to see it again. I wistfully deleted the thought of a first Christmas with Harry from my future dreams and with it the afternoons we would have spent baking cookies and drinking cocoa while watching kitschy Christmas films.
At least we had some autumn left.
We stopped at a bench in front of a small bridge that led over a duck pond.
"Now tell me honey, wanna know everything." He said when he sat down next to me on the bench and I wrapped him in my blanket with me.
I took out the Thermos flask and first poured each of us a plastic cup that I had stolen unnoticed in the nurses' room.
"Please promise me to listen first and not directly... you know, to burst into tears."
He nodded and obviously wanted me to go on.