"Louis, I'm a doctor, of course I know what that is." It had taken him a few moments to make that statement.
"And most of all, I know it's not legal. It's punished like murder, Louis."
"Are you basically against it?" My question was a little mean, I put him in an uncomfortable situation.
"No, not in principle ... But that doesn't mean that I actively support it. It's a moral issue, I'm neutral."
"I do not know to what extent it is morally reprehensible to kill a sick person painlessly at his request... If an animal is seriously ill, we also kill it to end its suffering."
"I didn't write the law. It's just not possible Louis. Unfortunately, you have to cope with that."
"It is not possible here. But there are enough countries where it is allowed."
He looked into my eyes in surprise.
"I've been informing myself about it intensively for a long time. I know that it is allowed in Switzerland and Luxembourg. Also, in Italy under special circumstances. Funnily enough, I wanted to get even more personal information on vacation, but obviously something stopped me." I reported.
"Stop that, Louis. You heard the doctor; you might be able to live another year and a half. We don't do euthanasia. Stop putting that on your mind."
"Don't you fucking get it? It would only make the dying process slower and more agonizing. You are a bloody doctor, Mark; you should know that. You see patients like me every day. You saw mom, she went through the same thing. She wouldn't have wanted me to have to. She would have fucking supported me. Learn to let go." Broke it out of me a little too loud.
"Don't yell at me like that, Louis. Euthanasia is out of the question. End."
I clenched my hands into fists, only to let them go again afterwards.
"Then from now on I will do everything to make it happen as quickly as possible. No more eating is a good start..." I thought out loud and had a very provocative voice.
"Go Louis. Go to your room and think about how you want to do it, chemo or no chemo." He didn't respond to my indirect threat at all.
I did not understand why he did not support me. Without a word I stormed into the hallway, where Harry was nervously pacing up and down.
"Lou, how is it, please tell me, I can't take it."
I ignored him, walked right past him and didn't want to see anyone at all in that moment.
I felt misunderstood and patronized.
I heard Harry running after me and felt his hand on my shoulder, which I just slapped away.
"Louis..." He whispered startled and looked at me with his big eyes as if I had just rammed a knife into his stomach.
I shook myself briefly, he couldn't help it either. "I'm... sorry Harry. For that. For everything."
"I do not understand."
"It's okay, alright, it's still too early to understand."
"Haven't they been able to tell you exactly yet?"
"I don't want to talk, bubs, please don't let us talk, please hug me and don't let go of me until it's all over."
He looked at me with eyes glittering with tears and actually hugged me. After a few seconds, however, he carried me into the room.
Edda sat on the bed with half-closed eyes and looked at Harry questioningly when he came running through the door with me in his arms, lying me down onto the mattress.
As soon as the newly made duvet was within my reach, I hid inside it and let out a desperate scream into the cotton cover.
"What happened to him?" Edda asked from somewhere what felt very close.
"I think today is the definition of shit day and it just got the crowning glory, but he hasn't said anything yet."
"Oh, okay. I think there are a lot of shitty days here... If you don't want to talk, it's okay Louis. But try to make the best of it, we're here for you and everything will be fine."
She was right, she was fucking right.
I couldn't let all this freaking shit eat me up.
I still had to enjoy. Enjoy as long as possible.
I felt bad not to say anything to Harry, but I knew he wouldn't be able to just take it, and he, like Mark, would not like my request at all.
"Okay, Edda, what are you doing on a shitty day in the hospital?" I asked after crawling out from under the covers again.
She smiled widely. "Turn off your phone and you Harry, hurry up and get some snacks. Such days in the hospital are like lovesickness. Lovesickness caused by life."
I did what she told me and quickly saw what Niall had written to me.
Hey buddy, get well, okay? keep me up to date, I just phoned Zayn and Gigi. Gigi even started to cry; she is very worried. Zayn and me too, of course. Love you bro.
Harry had gone shopping quickly, just as he had been told and Edda had already put the wheelchair by my bed because we had decided to rent a film in the library, one station below ours, when someone came in.
"Louis?" A stranger asked and I nodded, not knowing what was going on.
"The Doc said, that I should give you a gastric tube, she suspects you are refusing to eat."
It must have been a confusion, I thought, until I remembered the conversation with Mark when I threatened him to starve from now on.
"I can say no, right?" I asked calmly, not wanting to spark any discussion.
She frowned and slowly shook her head. "No, not really. It's a kind of regulation, it will help you."
"But I don't need help."
Edda noticed how I was starting to get upset again unnecessarily and sat down next to me, resting one hand on my back.
"Come on Louis, it's only uncomfortable for a moment. If you cooperate well, I'll be gone faster than you can blink."
She smeared a strange ointment on the tapered end of the tube and got dangerously close, causing me to pull my head away.
Edda had got up and poured a sip of water into the glass on my bedside cabinet. She made it so natural, as if she had already attended a thousand times.
When the young woman had gotten me to the point that she had pushed the hose a bit into my nose and my eyes began to water, Edda handed me the water so that I could take a gulp.
I didn't know what that was supposed to be for, as I hadn't been explained anything, but I was shocked when I felt the hose being swallowed with the water and making me choke on it. I coughed a few more times and had the feeling that all gastric juices were coming up my oesophagus when the woman hung a plastic bag in the infusion dispenser and winked knowingly at me.
"Already finished, you see, it wasn't bad at all. As I said."
"It was disgusting." I hissed hatefully and didn't look at her. I was so mad at Mark for it.
"So, do we want to rent a film now, or are we waiting for Harry?" Edda asked carefully.
I just shrugged indifferently. I didn't care about anything right now, I felt miserable. not even sick, but as if everything was being taken from me so that I could really feel that I was going to die soon.
-Even the independence to eat.
"Hey Louis? Are you listening to me?" Edda asked, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. What did you say?"
She sighed, got up, closed the door, sat down next to me and put the covers over our legs.
"What did the doctor say? What is your diagnosis?"
"I'm going to die Edda. Soon. Very soon."
It didn't feel right, and yet it felt way too good to tell her. This little fourteen-year-old girl who was already too marked by life. She just sat silent, listening to my words.
"I don't want to do the chemo. My mother suffered so much from it... I want to leave with dignity, my head held high, and I want Harry to remember me with a smile on my face."
I nibbled my thumbnail.
"I always wanted to use euthanasia. I told my stepfather that today and he seems to be against it. We really argued. You know Edda, it's all so complicated. I want to live my life to the end and not slowly die to myself, vegetate there like a withering plant. I would like that someday the day comes when I say goodbye to everyone, give Harry a last passionate kiss, lie down in a soft bed, take the pills, hold his hand, close my eyes and never open again. Falling asleep with a smile, forever."
She smiled wistfully.
"Tell him. Tomorrow, just like you told me. He will cry and despair, he will beg you and yet he will understand you."