𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐱 : 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧
❝ engraved on me are all of my
mistakes i count them, but i'm
stained with regret. ❞
⁻ ᶜⁱˣ ⁻
ᵕ̈♡˳೫˚∗
chanhee could barely pay attention during his lecture, having already had done the readings beforehand and knowing full well every concept that was being taught.
as his mind wandered elsewhere, he saw his phone screen light up (since his phone was placed right next to his pencil case) and, since he was bored anyways, he unlocked it to see notifications from the dancer boy.
he didn't know what came over him seeing as how normally, he would have tried to still be present in class but with the topics being something he was well aware of already, he didn't see the point in listening anyways.
jikyuwu
chanheeeeeeeeeeeee
chanheeeeeeeee
chanheeeee
chanhee
choichanhee
what.
jikyuwu
OH YOU CAME ONLINE
hello (๑°꒵°๑)･*♡
choichanhee
well, if there's nothing here,
i'll go now.
jikyuwu
WAIT ┌༼ σ ‸ σ ༽┐
choichanhee
what is that emoticon supposed
to be?
jikyuwu
me stopping you from leaving
(￢ε￢ )
choichanhee
this is a written conversation.
i can leave whenever.
jikyuwu
ill cry (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू)
choichanhee
ok and i'm in lecture so...
bye.
jikyuwu
oH!!
im sorry for interrupting (╥﹏╥)
but i msged to say i had fun this
morning hehe ≧◡≦
you made me really happy!
ヾ(＠＾▽＾＠)ﾉ
choichanhee
cute|
cute.
jikyuwu
&#*@(÷¥@*???#?#??
hEYYYY this is kevin changmin
just SCREAMED into my ear so
i took his phone
jikyuwu
thiNk the mans is broken 💔
anyways he really likes y
IM BACK HI pls dont mind kev
hes speaking nonsense（￣へ￣）
choichanhee
ok.
it was no problem though ji.
so i'll go now if that was all.
jikyuwu
okay!! byeee have a good lecture
(◡‿◡✿) ♡
choichanhee
bye cutie|
bye ji|
bye.
choichanhee
:)
chanhee pressed out of the app and found himself smiling at his notebook, the thought of ji changmin yelling out of happiness at his simple word making him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, as if he had done something noteworthy.
without intending to, he found himself thinking of where else he could bring the dancer to which would invoke such happiness from him again, writing out his ideas in his notebook that was once filled solely with mathematical equations and endless numbers.
'i like you chanhee'.
chanhee stopped writing, his hand freezing in place as he remembered younghoons' confession, the older boys' voice suddenly playing in his head once again.
'i've liked you since first year'.
chanhee looked down at his notebook, feeling a strange sense of guilt because how could he plan such outings with changmin and not even consider how younghoon would feel? and besides that, why did it matter so much to him that he had made changmin happy to begin with?
despite how people viewed him as uncaring, cruel and selfish, he could never bring himself to ouvertly ignore either of their feelings for the sake of the other and the very fact that he seemed to slowly be prioritizing changmin over younghoon scared him tremendously.
did that mean he was developing some kind of feelings towards the dancer?
no, it can't be.
chanhee shook his head, as though trying to shake the idea out of his system (and attracting the gaze of some others who had begun stoning during lesson).
he didn't want anything to do with feelings, the whole idea of developing a crush on someone frightening him and sending his mind into overdrive. frankly speaking, it gave him a pounding headache just thinking about liking someone in that way.
it felt overwhelming.
usually whenever he felt that way, he would call younghoon to eat with him or to just talk with him but now that he had become part of the reason chanhee felt that way, chanhee was at a loss. sure, he could call sunwoo to talk about it but the boy himself was in a relationship so what would he know about chanhee's fear?
when the bell rang, chanhee immediately made his way out of the room, slowly feeling a heavy weight on his chest as he walked faster and faster until he reached the choir room. forgetting to turn on the lights, chanhee simply sat down, leaning his back against the cold wall and taking his mask off, slowly controlling his breathing.
he thought he brought it upon himself — nobody asked him to get involved with either younghoon or changmin and yet he still did out of his own volition. but the fact that he felt as though he were falling for none other than ji changmin made him severely question himself.
"you don't deserve to feel this way chanhee," he whispered, pushing his hands against his chest as though that would counter the heavy feeling dawning upon him. "these feelings will not only hurt you but hurt those around you so keep yourself in check," he whispered, halfway praying his heart would take a hint and kill any semblance of feelings he had.
all of a sudden, the room lit up, chanhee grabbing his mask and hastily putting it on only to find sangyeon standing by the door, his backpack slung over one shoulder as he stared at the younger boy.
"why're you talking to yourself in the dark?" sangyeon asked, closing the door and dropping his bag next to the keyboard before taking a seat next to chanhee. "you okay?"
chanhee bit his tongue, stopping himself from firing a sarcastic retort and instead shaking his head slowly. "you wanna talk about it then? i know you have younghoon too but just in case-"
"sangyeon, how do i stop liking someone?" sangyeon's eyes widened, shocked that choi chanhee would ever ask such a question seeing as how often times, he seemed so detached from other people.
"why do you want to stop your feelings?" sangyeon asked, chanhee fiddling with a loose thread he found from his jacket.
"i'm scared of being hurt but on top of that, i don't want to hurt the people that...god i can't believe i'm saying this but, i don't want to hurt the people that i care about either," chanhee said, making knots out of the thread. "besides, people are constantly leaving one another so even if i were to like this person, what's stopping him from no longer admiring me?"
sangyeon let out a soft sigh, looking out of the window before speaking again. "well, for starters, i don't think you can just turn off your emotions like how you would a light — feelings don't have an on and off switch chanhee. but, your fears are entirely valid and, to be honest with you, i feel the same way about these kind of feelings too." chanhee turned his head, looking at sangyeon as if waiting for him to explain. with a soft smile, sangyeon continued speaking. "the fear that one day the person would just vanish too or one day wake up and think 'i no longer like you' is something i know enough about. this fear isn't something that can be tackled with just words though — it takes time and, i know it's scary, but it also takes trust. you need to trust that it will turn out okay and if you think about it, falling for someone is somewhat like skydiving — you take a leap of faith and hope for the best."
"where are you going with this-"
"what i'm saying is, i think you should slowly accept these feelings and, although it may hurt you or the people that you care about, it'll hurt more in the long run for both parties if you choose to push it aside," sangyeon said. "i know it's hard so don't rush into things but at least try to acknowledge your own feelings first instead of suppressing them chanhee," sangyeon added on, the thread chanhee had been playing with becoming a small ball between his fingers.
"but what if i lose them both?" the thought rattled chanhee, his breathing slowly becoming heavier at the idea of being alone yet again, his hand reaching up to touch the red rose pin on his collar in an attempt to soothe his shaken nerves.
"if they truly love you, they wouldn't leave you and if they do leave, it just means that the universe knows you deserve better," sangyeon whispered, taking a tissue out of his bag and handing it to chanhee whose tears had involuntarily fallen. "and besides, we're talking about younghoon and changmin so they would never-"
"how'd you know?"
sangyeon let out a soft laugh, patting chanhee's head. "you only hang around them so who else would you be talking about?" at times like that, chanhee cursed himself for lacking social skills. sangyeon stood up, offering a hand to chanhee. "we can start practicing for our choir practice later," sangyeon suggested, chanhee nodding and wiping any tears that had fallen.
but upon hearing sangyeon's words, aside from feeling slightly comforted, chanhee brought it upon himself to finally start recognising the very real feelings he had developed, his wish to be more aware going against everything he once solely believed in.
ᵕ̈♡˳೫˚∗
author's note:
what is this chapter besties idk either ;-;
but ig hi sangyeon <3