This is what I think about when Torin sleeps. I am alone.
I was really always alone. The life of every only child, I guess. We learn to play alone, stay alone. I can't say we learn to adapt because we really never know any different. Though, I did know my life was not what others were living. My life was not normal, not normal in many ways.
My parents believed that it was necessary for a young girl to learn to kill. If you think this was at times confusing, you are right. My dad explained killing game by saying that it was a matter of survival. "One day we may need animals in the woods to survive. They are a viable food source."
I did not understand "viable food source". I saw small animals killed. This worried me.
"Are we going to kill Fluffy and eat her?" I asked my mother.
"No," she said, "never."
"Why?" I wanted to know. "She's a viable food source?"
"Well, first of all, she's a cat."
"They don't taste good?"
"Umm, well to some cultures, maybe. But to ours, no."
"So, she tastes nasty, and we won't eat her."
"No, but we won't eat her mostly because she is our pet, and she is innocent. It would be disgraceful to kill something that trusts you."
"Good," I said, "because I love Fluffy."
I am not so sure about my father. He may have eaten Fluffy if it was necessary.
Not my mother. If she says it, she means it. She is a woman of conviction. My mother is an independent, self-advocacy kind of girl. She is confident and eager to advance. Like my dad, she can fire a gun and skin a rabbit, and for awhile that was enough for her. Hanging out with dad, growing their small business, traveling to conferences, and taking care of me was enough for her. Then, she grew bored with the normal mom life. She wanted more out of life than being a wife and mother.
I can't blame her. The life of wife and mother is a hard one, no matter its moments of joy and fulfillment. The life of a wife and mother is lonesome. Lonesome because you put everyone before yourself. I guess you never even really get to know yourself.
It is a sad thing. And boring. And lonely.
And this is why I decide to forgive my mother for lying to me. She has her reasons. She may have a lot of reasons for all the things she did. While none of them seem like they were for me, who knows?
Maybe, my mom has her reasons. And maybe, I was one of them. This is what I think about when Torin sleeps.
It is hard to hate your mama, even when she's done bad things, because if you don't have your mama, you got nobody on your side.