AU: Soulmate AU
TW: Repression, Loss, discussion of "the split"
WC: 3982
Date: 8/26/21
Everywhere Logan looked he saw the after-effects of love; the blanket Patton had made for Roman was sitting on the couch, lightly draped over the side; the strangely shaped mug that Remus had made for Janus was left on the table after Remus had chased his soulmate off to bed. Every inch of the mindscape was covered in reminders of love, and Logan was happy for his friends. He truly was. He was thankful that they had found their soulmates and accepted them into their lives, but it sent a deep longing through his heart.
He began to straighten up the common room, feeling the itch of his soul words under his long sleeve shirt. The others thought he didn't have a "soul sentence", they made a lot of assumptions about him, and honestly, Logan preferred that to them finding out the truth. He had never outright lied about his soul words, but he had certainly gotten better at twisting his words, a necessary precaution now that deceit was around.
None of them knew that Logan had been the first one to find his soulmate. He had been the first to realize the significance of the words imprinted on his arm, and for a few short years, it had been as close to perfection as possible. His fingers traced the fabric of threads of the blanket as he slid it into the basket.
The others never knew, but Logan remembered it all vividly. He fought the melancholy that soaked through his bones, wondering what kind of gifts and presents his own soulmate would have given him, wondering what their life together would have been like, wondering how it would have felt to snuggle together under a blanket as they talked about the world's many mysteries.
Creativity had thought a secret relationship was more fun, more taboo. They had both been too young to understand how easily things could come crashing down. They had been innocent, and it had been wonderful while it lasted. No one knew about the stolen forehead kisses, the nighttime trips to Creativity's castle, the long conversations falling asleep in each other's arms. No one knew about the memories Logan held most dear.
Which meant no one knew how deep Logan's affection ran, and when the split happened, Logan was left to mourn alone.
There were remnants of their relationship everywhere, Logan's careful planning and design mixed with Creativity's spark and flare, the mindscape was their creation, the lost city in the imagination was their vision of a future. The castle on the far reach had been their home.
Logan couldn't bear it now.
He avoided the imagination. It was impossible to look at without remembering him. There was a small part of Logan that wanted to tell everyone, wanted to claim the lost city in the imagination, wanted to claim the abandoned castle, because it was partially his.
He couldn't do it.
He couldn't reveal the last secret he had with Creativity. Telling the others made it all feel too real. Telling the others would make the hurt so much more real.
After Logan put away the mug, making sure it was cleaned and carefully shelved, he started a pot of coffee. None of the others would be up yet, at least not for a few more minutes. Virgil was occasionally awake at this time, but he rarely came out of his room. In the past, Remus might have come to disturb his peace, being intrusive thoughts his sleep schedule was all over the place, but now that he and Janus were dating, that had changed. Logan hypothesized the half-snake side needed someone to snuggle with him in order to sleep well, though he doubted he would be able to test that theory or ask, and get a proper answer. It was not his relationship, and not his place to pry.
Instead, he focused on the morning peace. For just a few more minutes he could use the cover of morning to temporarily wander to the past that once was. He could soak himself in the possibilities of a future where he wasn't alone. It wasn't logical, but it helped with the pain, just a bit. For a few moments he could imagine a life where Creativity would walk down the stairs and join him for his coffee, they would share a silent kiss and fall into a routine that had become familiar to them over the years.
But Logan knew it wouldn't last. The daydreams of his past were broken as he heard a sleepy yawn, an unmistakable sign that someone had entered the kitchen.
"Good Morning," Janus always looked softer when he first woke up in the morning. The edges he had gained from his life of survival under repression faded just a bit in the morning light, and Logan counted himself lucky to be able to see this side of his friend. He wondered, if the split hadn't happened, would Logan have been able to see this sight more often?
As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, taking in a deep, full-body, breath, Janus smiled.
"Is that coffee I smell? Logan, you are a godsend," he muttered, grabbing his cup out of the cupboard, too tired to realize it shouldn't have been clean for him to use. He walked lazily to the coffee machine, filling the cup to about an inch from the top, and Logan pulled out the creamer that Janus preferred.
A lazy tired smile lit up Janus's face as he took the creamer. He seemed happier now, now that he and Remus were together romantically. Logan couldn't imagine how hard it had to be for them to be suppressed, pushed away from Thomas, still fighting to do their best while being given so little to work with. They had both built up walls, even around each other, and it wasn't until they both started being listened to that those walls relaxed. Three months ago when Roman and Virgil were taking care of Thomas's love life, Remus and Janus finally got together, both realizing that they were in a safe and stable enough place to admit their feelings.
Logan was happy for them.
But he felt so alone.
"I'm going to go take a shower." He wasn't ready to face the day and the people that came with it. He had spent too much time in his memories and it hurt. No one liked to talk about it, but the anniversary of the split was coming up. Logan always took it the hardest though no one knew why. He didn't want to be questioned again this year, watching Patton's concerned and pleading eyes and Roman stood behind him as emotional strength. Logan didn't want them to see his vulnerability. He needed to power through it. He just needed time to put on a mask of indifference, a shower would afford him just that.
Janus gave him a hum of acknowledgment but didn't say anything as he took another sip of the warm liquid he was clinging to. He normally wasn't a conversationalist until after his first cup of coffee, so he wouldn't notice Logan's distress. He wouldn't look at Logan with those eyes that pulled him apart piece by piece.
Making his way to the shower in his bedroom, Logan's shoulders relaxed just a bit. All of the sides had their own bathrooms. It was a nice feature to have but more often than not, it filled Logan with guilt. The change was undoubtedly because of a fight he instigated with Roman years ago. He was remiss to admit that he hadn't always handled his emotions with as much tact as he would like. Pain often turned into anger and he had blown up at Roman, fought, and argued over many minor things.
It was on another day like this where Logan had truly screwed up. Roman had taken too long in the bathroom, it was such a minor thing, but tensions had already been high. When he finally came out, Logan exploded, he had let out all of his hurt and pain in the form of anger. He had watched as Roman visibly deflated. The next day, Roman changed the mindscape so that they all had their own bathrooms. Logan had apologized, vowing to himself to never allow his own emotions to affect someone else that deeply, but the damage to their relationship had been done.
During their teenage years, Logan wouldn't have been surprised if everyone thought he hated Roman. They fought constantly, and Logan constantly provoked him, but he didn't hate the prince. It wasn't Roman's fault that Creativity split, really it wasn't anyone's fault, but Logan had looked for someone to blame.
After the bathroom incident, Logan toned back his fighting. He did his best to repair the relationship, but even now, their status was tenuous at best. Often, Logan found himself hiding rather than having a discussion with Roman. He didn't want it to become another argument. He wanted Roman to be happy. It was better, easier to just fade into the background or remove himself from the situation. Especially when Roman and Patton flaunted their status as soulmates.
They didn't do it on purpose, but the two of them clung to each other, listened to each other, and relied on each other. It would have been sweet, had Logan not felt so left out and alone. Even before the two sides of the mindescape became one again, before Virgil had come to live with them, Logan had been alone with Roman and Patton who danced around each other until it built into a crescendo. Then they were never apart again.
Things got better when Virgil moved in with them. He didn't have a soulmate, and the two of them spent a lot of time together, but Logan wanted a romantic relationship with someone, and Virgil was not that someone. Even if he had been, Virgil didn't want that type of relationship with anyone. So Logan was left with an insatiable desire for companionship. He wanted to hold someone's hand, whisper sweet poetry into their ear. He should have had that with Creativity, and now he had no one.
Pulling back the shower curtain, he got under the warm water. He knew he needed to get off of this train of thought. There was no use in indulging himself in a defeatist attitude, especially since in his loss, four other people found the love they deserved. Janus and Remus had found each other, and Patton had found Roman. Because Logan lost Creativity, his friends were able to find their own happiness. Janus might have words about how Logan shouldn't put others first, but his dream was gone, there was no harm in trying to find happiness in its after-effects.
As the hot water pelted his body, Logan traced the letters on his arm. They were black, having lost all color when Creativity split in two. In the human world outside of their mindscape, that was seen as a mark that your soulmate had died. Logan thought it was fitting because that's what it felt like. He had been there that day, watched as the fissure formed in the mindscape, separating the two twins. Logan hadn't had time to grieve, he had to greet the new Creativity, just like his creativity had greeted him.
"Logan! Can I borrow some deodorant?" His shower curtain was thrown open and Remus stood there with absolutely no care in the world.
"Remus!" Logan responded in surprise, his hand quickly covering his soul words. "We have discussed privacy. You can ask for the deodorant without opening the curtain. Please close it and you can search the middle drawer of my cabinet sink." He needed to get Remus to close the curtain, Logan had done so well to hide everything up to this point.
Remus didn't close the curtain. Instead, his eyes wracked over Logan's body, stopping at the black letters partially hidden by strong fingers. He hung on those words, trying to see them until the curtain was drawn in front of him. Logan didn't see the way Remus's body reacted to the broken spell.
"Thank you Logie Boogie," he practically sang, hiding the concern that was bubbling up in him.
On the other side of the curtain, Logan was trying not to panic, trying to keep his breath soft and calm. He should have known that this was bound to happen. He wouldn't be able to hide the words forever, despite his precautions. Remus was a force of chaos and him coming into the bathroom, while Logan was showering, was not surprising, but Remus and Roman were the two people he didn't want to find out.
Slowly, he sank down to the floor of the shower, trying to catch his breath. Today might be a good day to stay hidden in his room.
Remus closed Logan's bedroom door much quieter than was usual for him. His mind was running like a speeding car careening off of a cliff. He had seen letters, beautiful swirls on that beautiful arm, but Logan wasn't supposed to have a soul sentence. When he started spending more time around the fuddy-duddies, Patton had pulled him aside and told him that Logan had never had one. There were certain lines even he wouldn't cross when it came to the nerd, and Remus had never pushed Logan to ask. But Patton had been wrong. He hadn't lied, Janus would have noticed that, but then why did everyone think Logan didn't have a soulmate?
'You have the pleasure of meeting me first.'
Those words echoed in his head. Remus could picture it, a young Logan in a long sleeve dress shirt with a little blue bow tie, head tilted to the side as he looked at Remus.
'It's a pleasure to meet you.'
That's what Logan responded, but Remus had never had this conversation. He looked down at his arm, those weren't the words scrawled on his skin, but, for a moment, they were. For a moment he could see those words written on his arm in a brilliant kaleidoscope of colors and a swell of warmth that filled his body.
His eyes grew large as it dawned on him, the car went off the cliff and Remus was left to stare at the wreckage.
"Oh, no."
He could piece together just enough, and he sprinted to Janus in the kitchen, knocking him over as he launched himself at his boyfriend.
"I was Logan's soulmate!"
There was a moment of silence as Janus attempted to figure out what exactly was going on. He had been told Logan didn't have soul words and every time they talked about it, Logan had all but confirmed that fact.
"I mean we were, not really just me, I don't know what to call that anymore. I just, we, I, Creativity was Logan's soulmate."
That made Janus freeze as his mind began running through the conversations that he had had with Logan.
'I don't currently have a soulmate.' Janus had seen it as a naive desire to have one in the future.
'I don't like to talk about it.' A truthful statement and not an actual admission that he didn't have a soul sentence.
'Sadly, Virgil and I aren't the same.' Janus had always thought that Logan was talking about the fact that Virgil was aromantic and content to be alone whereas he pined after the relationships others had. Something Janus had wanted to rectify but hadn't known how to bring it up with Remus yet.
How long had Logan been hiding this? Obviously since the split, but shouldn't they have known about Logan and Creativity's connection? Unless he had been hiding it back then too.
"Tell me what you know."
Remus began to explain everything that had just happened, as well as the few bits and pieces he could remember. It was just short flashes of memories, picnics, and sneaking around. Soft, innocent, and full of happiness and adventure. Each memory brought out tears Remus was sure didn't belong to him. He liked Logan, but these memories brought an overwhelming need to have Logan by his side. He had wanted Logan since before he saw the words, but now it pushed at him even more.
"Not that I'm unhappy with you, but like, I want both, and it's annoying knowing that I could have had him for all of these years, but like what if he doesn't want me now that we are split."
"Calm yourself Octi, we will figure this out together." He used his extra arms to gently rub Remus's back. "So, can I assume that you aren't opposed to dating Logan if he were also amiable?"
"What? Yes, of course, I'd be happy to be dicked by the hot teacher."
Janus chuckled. "Alright, then I will talk to him, see if I can sort out the truth from the subterfuge."
Remus nodded before biting Janus.
"Ouch," he said in a monotone voice, but Remus didn't let go, just being cuddled on the floor while biting Janus was comforting, so the two stayed that way for a bit longer.
When he was feeling better, Remus left to the imagination, needing time to escape his own thoughts and realization. This left Janus on his own to speak to Logan, who had never come back down from his shower. He made his way to the indigo door, gathering his thoughts. He had to approach this with some tact.
He knocked on the door, "Logan, I would like to speak with you."
There was a shuffling behind the door and when it opened, Janus could see the threads of lies, written as lines on Logan's face. He should have been looking harder.
"What can I do for you?"
"Well, I would like to have a conversation, may I come in?" He was trying to act naturally, despite his thoughts swimming in his head.
"I do not believe my company will be... comfortable today," Logan retorted.
"That is alright, I have thick skin."
"Do your snake scales provide you an extra layer of thickness? And how is that relevant to this situation?"
"It's an expression, it means you can't hurt me with your words." He looked at Logan, his face softening as he reached out a hand. "Will you let me in?"
The logical side hesitated, his fingers gripping the door gently, Janus could see the wheels turning in his head, the fight between control and desire. Eventually, he let out a sigh, opening the door and allowing Janus inside.
"Thank you,"
"If this is in reference to what Remus saw in the shower, I can assure you it is not something you should be concerned with."
Janus felt his jaw tightening. Logan believed that statement. Somehow he believed that lying about one's soulmate for years and repressing his grief to be dealt with on his own wasn't something to be concerned with.
"Honestly, I am impressed Logan, for someone who prides himself in facts and logic you have done an amazing job twisting the facts until you are living a lie, bravo." Despite his words, his voice was soft and tinged with worry.
"If you came here simply to chastise me for something I cannot change or control, you can leave." Logan's voice was cold, a barrier of ice to protect himself and Janus felt a shiver run through his spine.
"How long?" He didn't let Logan answer before continuing. "How long have you been holding in this pain? Getting sympathy for the wrong thing? How long have you denied yourself the proper emotional catharsis you need?"
Logan was tapping his fingers against the desk, Janus didn't think he would be impressed with anything the nerd had to say, and Logan must have known that because he didn't respond.
"Tell me the story, the full story Logan, scream, yell, get it all out, what harm could it do?"
This time the pause was shorter and Logan's voice was so soft. "I'm afraid if I figuratively 'let my emotions out' I will never be able to put them back in, and I can't live like that."
"As I told Thomas, self-care is not supposed to be for emergencies, and I can see it in your face Logan, the ship is sinking."
The speed of his finger tapping increased. "Fine, you want to hear it? I barely got a few years with my soulmate, and they were amazing and fun and beautiful, and then I watched as we," he gestured beyond himself and the room, "collectively destroyed what he built. I watched as the kindest and sweetest parts of my soulmate were adored by another, yet the spontaneous and inquisitive parts of him were hated by the same person. Do you know how infuriating it is to watch someone claim to love someone you have loved when they only love half of what made them themself?"
Janus was surprised the desk wasn't breaking under the strength of Logan's drumming. "I watched as the world around us told us that soulmates were the answer to all of your problems, and I knew that was wrong, but I also knew I would never get the life that was promised to me because I met my soulmate too early. I watched as a part of the person I loved grew into something I couldn't recognize, and grew to hate what I represented."
Logan was shaking, his voice strained as he fought back tears. "And I am not allowed to grieve, because the loss of my soulmate brought about two amazing people who deserve happiness in their own right. My loss allowed you and Patton to find your soulmates, my loss caused so much joy in other ways."
"But it was still a loss Logan, and you are allowed to experience it."
From the way Logan's shoulders slumped, it was obvious he didn't believe that.
"Come here," Janus said as he walked over and sat down on the bed, patting the spot next to him. Logan looked at him quizzically, his eyes shining with unshed tears, but eventually, he followed instructions.
As soon as he was seated on the bed, Janus drew him close, pulling him into a tight six-armed hug. "It's okay to feel," He whispered, and with that Logan broke. He sobbed loudly, curling into Janus's arms. This was long overdue. His body shook with tears and Janus gently stroked his back. He hid Logan so that the world would never know of his pain. Not until Logan was ready.
They sat like that for a while, Logan curled up safely, letting out all he had held in. After an hour, he began to pull away, Janus tightening his grip for a moment before letting go, brushing a few tears off Logan's face.
"Well, that certainly is a look." His voice was soft, with just a hint of a sarcastic smile.
"Thank you for that, I didn't realize how much I needed it."
"Anytime, and I mean that Logan." He said by running a hand over Logan's face again. He could already see Logan trying to stuff his emotions into a box. "Even if you need me in the middle of the night. I am here for you."
"I don't think Remus would find that appropriate," Logan tried to pull away but it was weak at best, so Janus kept his arms around the nerd.
"Then you don't know him. He doesn't go peeking at people in the shower just for fun."
Logan raised his eyebrow.
"Alright, that might have been a lie, but I have a feeling he and I like you more than you know. It's a conversation the three of us need to have, but you aren't alone."
This time when Logan pulled away, Janus let him go. "I... I do not want to get my hopes up."
"How about I go find Remus and we can discuss this like adults?"
"Alright, I'm going to go clean my face." Logan made his way to the bathroom, hearing when Janus left the room, he washed his face and looked down at his tear-stained shirts. He wondered if it would be hard to conjure a short sleeve shirt. He was tired of hiding.