"She should be proud of what she did, not only for herself but for a much larger scale of people. She saved TEN other girls as well. Tori will be okay... after some therapy-" I heard a loud crash, I jumped in my skin clinging to my sweater taking a deep breath with closed eyes. I knew this wouldn't be the calm chat Beck promised Rayner it would be. Rayner had gone on a rampage after the raid. He'd impulsively quit his job, filed several law suits encouraging me to as well, and threatened the lives of a few though I'd deny it if anyone asked.
"THERAPY?! Really Beck? You don't see what she's like now! Therapy isn't going to fix SHIT. Those memories, the trauma, that's forever. I fucking KNEW I shouldn't have let her do that, and you shouldn't have ever suggested it to her without more precaution! I will never come back to this field of work, it's corrupt and to think we were ever helping people!" He chuckled sarcastically.
"We do help people Ray-" Beck started only to be cut off again. "But at what cost?! The fact that I would've defended you until the end makes my stomach roll. I hope you get what you all fucking deserve. I really do. Do not contact me again unless it's your lawyer contacting mine." Rayner finished shutting Beck's office door with so much force the blinds were still swinging. Rayner stalked his way toward the front desk slinging a stack of papers across the floor on his way over to where I was sitting. He snatched up my jacket from the empty bench beside me then held out a tender shaking hand as if he hadn't just been so aggressive and angry.
I could see his pulse throbbing through the veins in his arm. I took his hand carefully letting him pull me up and lead me toward the parking lot. He opened my car door and closed me in. Beck came out of no where jogging toward us and I saw Rayner's body had a visceral response. He visibly stiffened when Beck reached out a hand for Rayner to shake standing there staring at his outreached hand momentarily. Beck had hardly said three words when Rayner took me by surprise pulling his arm back and swinging his fist full force into Beck's jaw. My mouth hung open watching the scene unfold before me like a reality television show. I was shocked by what I was seeing.
Rayner punched him over and over, while Beck did not even try fighting back. I didn't want to intervene but when four police officers grabbed Rayner and threw him to the ground I went into protective mode. I flung myself out of the vehicle shouting for them to stop as I worried for Rayner's life realizing how serious this could be now that other officer's involved themselves with batons. Before I could even intervene an officer had me by the arm. "Don't touch her!" Rayner fumed shaking off the officers as Beck motioned for them to let him go. Rayner was up and by my side in seconds. He snatched me by my sleeve from the officer and led me to his car easing me back in slamming the door. No one said a word or made a move just watched Rayner get in the driver's seat and squeal his tires on the way out of the parking lot.
"Are you okay?" Rayner asked touching my arm making me flinch a mile. "I'm sorry can I touch your arm?" He twitched remembering how fucked up I was. I relaxed back into my seat leaning into the door nodding running my fingers through my hair. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have gone there I already knew and a part of me wanted to punch that guy. I want to do worse." He admitted and I shook my head irritated by him. I knew he was trying to protect me still, when all it was doing was stressing me the hell out.
"Give it a rest Rayner." I sighed knowing exactly how he was going to react next. "Tori, I can't 'give it a rest.'" His voice was raised but he never yelled. "I won't stop until those fuckers burn for everything they're worth!" I sighed utterly exhausted, "Beck was already demoted! Do you want him to lose his job?" I asked already knowing he did. "I want him to lose his fucking house! I want him to live under a bridge and turn into a goddamn troll Tori. I don't know how you aren't angry." I chewed on my thumb nail glaring out the window. I was angry, but after all I'd been through I realized that anger was useless. It was hope I didn't have anymore. I was done fighting, I needed to rest and he couldn't understand that I'd done enough fighting.
"I. Am. Angry." I told him calmly, "I'm just finished." He wasn't comprehending giving me a blank stare. "I just want to move on and you aren't letting me." I finally admitted. "You're smothering me! I feel trapped and I need you to pull over, actually." He rolled his eyes, "No, I'm not pulling over. Tori what are you saying?" I grumbled jiggling the handle but it was locked and he locked it back when I pulled up on the lock. "Please I just wanna go to a coffee shop. Or a god damned grocery store to get a treat. Alone." He sighed now looking me over, he'd been treating me like damaged goods the second I got home weeks ago. And for good reason I was totally unhinged and off the rails. I just needed a minute to myself and it was honestly a bad idea I understood the smallest things triggered me now a days.
"Fifteen minutes?" Rayner bargained even though he sounded nervous. It was laughable, but we were both so traumatized.
"Thirty." I argued truly needing a full day but I wasn't sure I could even handle it. I tended to spiral when I was left alone. Which was why Rayner hadn't wanted to leave me out of his sight.
"Twenty. I'm dropping you off at the coffee shop. You get one caffeinated beverage, read a book, look at a fake tree and then I'm picking you up." He decided like his true authoritarian self. It was insufferable the control he thought he had over me, despite the inner pull and desire it ignited in me that he showed the initiative. "Listen, I know technically you're my appointed caretaker but I am also an adult with free will. Thirty minutes." I pushed back knowing he'd let me have whatever I wanted in the end. He was a big softie underneath the aggression. "If you're even one minute past thirty I will come in to find you." He narrowed his eyes at me. I smirked taking his hand in mine brushing my lips across his knuckles. "Promise." I batted my lashes sweetly and Rayner's soft brown eyes melted into mine for a moment. He pulled into the small coffee shop we frequented ripping the e-brake.
"You sure you're okay?" The worrying commenced. I just needed an escape, everyone had been up my ass. Him, my therapist, my college counselor, even Jackson. I'd been avoiding him the most, Rayner approved as I knew he would. I hadn't been ready to forgive Jackson even if I was glad he'd survived. He'd played the biggest undercover role thus far working as a double agent totally unpaid of course, but that was a story for another time.
"It is 12:57, I'm coming back in 30 minutes Tori. 1:27." He elaborated making me laugh out loud, "Alright, alright. Go wash your bloody hand, get a Band-Aid, and I'll be here caffeinated and three tons lighter." I promised one last time. He sighed looking me over again unconvinced I'd be alright. "Call me if you need me." I rolled my eyes kissing him briskly, "I will." I assured him jumping out of the car and he waited until I was inside to drive away. I watched him shaking my head. He thought I had issues yet he was here over protecting me to the point of suffocation. I couldn't breathe because he was always down my neck. He'd been watching me like a hawk like at any moment's notice I was going to be whisked away. It was hard for my own recovery, how could I ever feel safe when my boyfriend couldn't even convince me I was?
I tried not to think about that for the rest of my thirty minutes. I ordered a latte and sat at a table near a window setting my bag and phone down on the table. I was tempted to run while I could, but I knew Rayner wasn't playing around about coming to find me. He would burn this place to the ground trying to find me. If I was completely honest it scared me, his dedication to me. It was becoming toxic with codependency and as much as I loved Rayner I knew we both needed some time to breathe. Even if he wouldn't admit it to himself, watching over me all the time so intensely had to be hard on his own mental health. He'd been projecting it all across the police force just moments ago and for weeks. I knew he blamed himself for what happened to me in there. I shuddered, I tried to stop thinking and read a book like Rayner had told me to. Following the rules was my new thing. I enjoyed structure, and submission. It made me feel normal in a lot of ways, but it was not healthy anymore for Rayner or me.
My time alone was nearing an end when my phone buzzed on the table. Jackson. I got sick to my stomach declining the call. He called multiple times a day every single day. I'd hoped eventually he'd give up but in the voicemails he always promised he wouldn't stop calling. I thought about changing my number, but I was afraid he'd start calling Rayner. Rayner would see as an intimidation tactic, which maybe in a way it was. I couldn't avoid him forever. While I was being brave I texted Jackson.
Let's have dinner.
I had to be out of my mind, but healing was like that sometimes. I had to break the cycle before I was too caught in it to get out. I felt like I finally had my head above water, but if I was honest I regretted sending the text at all.
Tonight?
He responded seconds after my first text and my stomach fluttered anxiously. I hadn't expected him to want to meet up with me so quickly. It was sink or swim.
Sure.
I had to swim.