Angst, Remembrance of a dead friend, finding a dead friend after they've taken their own life.
(be safe, love you)
6:31 P.M
I sit silently with my knees against my chest. I haven't talked to anyone in a week. I've hardly moved in that time. My mom brought food by a few days ago. I had a few bites.
I want to make some progress today. I know it'll get better. And I know I can't just sit back, because it won't happen that way.
We weren't even close anymore, but that doesn't take away from the friendship we had all those years. My phone dings.
I lean back and flip it over.
Dweamy Wittle Pissbaby🤡
Hey? You okay?
Do you wanna talk?
I flip it back over and resume my still position on my bed. I'm in pain. I should be talking by now. People lose their families and are doing better than me by now. I'm pathetic.
Dweamy Wittle Pissbaby🤡
Hey? You okay?
Do you wanna talk?
Y/n, I know you see these
I'm worried about you.
I throw my phone on my carpet. It's incessant and I can't listen anymore. I then continue staring forward.
I lost them both. They lost them both. Atlas lost them both.
I don't know how to live in a world that they aren't in. Never have. I want them back. Back on this Earth. Even if we couldn't be friends after everything happened. Nobody stays close with their childhood friends, why did I expect to be different?
You don't know the pain anyone is going through, but your own. Hell, I hardly know my own. Daddy issues, which lead to trust issues, which lead to abandonment issues, and my abandonment issues are going to act up when someone dies.
That's just how it is. I need someone. Anyone. But I can't ask.
I need him.
He was always there.
And I'm finally coping that he's gone.
———
⚠️⚠️Suicide Warning I'll say when it's over⚠️⚠️
"Hey y/n! You're finally here!" Isabelle grins and turns from the dining room table. Atlas waves nervously. "Sorry, my mom- Forget it." I smile.
I stand by the kitchen counter. Atlas and Isabelle set up whatever game we're playing later. "Evan should be up in his room. Don't know what's taking so long." Isabelle looks up. "I'll go get him." I head towards to stairs.
I see Evan's door and knock. He's always had the first room. The small room. The room that clearly nobody cared about. The story behind his birth is sad.
He didn't answer, strange. "Evan?" I laugh and knock again. He still didn't open... I'm starting to get nervous. I slowly reach down to the knob.
"Uh, Ev-"
I collapse onto my knees. I try to scream or cry, but nothing comes out. The most horrifying sight sits in front of me. The sight of the most important person in my life, lifeless.
Given up. Done trying.
"What happened, I heard a thud?" Atlas approaches the stairs. I try to turn my head. I try to tell him not to come up the stairs. Nothing escapes my lips. No tears fall.
"Oh my god." Atlas stands behind me. His black hair falls in front of his eyes as he sits on the floor. I hear Atlas shudder behind me. "Isabelle! Call... Someone.." He yells at first, then mumbles.
I stare at Evan's pale skin, evident he hasn't been lying there ten minutes. It's been hours. Hours that he's been just sitting, bleeding. I hear a gut-wrenching scream from Isabelle behind me.
It was just a Saturday. A Saturday. One of the Saturdays that Isabelle was healthy. It was just a day like any other. Until it was the worst.
He couldn't do it anymore and I didn't help him. He never let on to the pain he was going through. He wasn't distant, he didn't cry. And he loved us. He'd do anything for us. And I couldn't save his life.
"Y/n..." Atlas's hand sits on my shoulder. It was Evan. And He was gone.
Forever.
———
⚠️⚠️Suicide Warning Over⚠️⚠️
My phone rings continuously and it snaps me from my trance. I can't listen to that anymore. I stand up and wipe the water from the corners of my eyes.
"What?" I ask, clearly annoyed. He stays silent a moment. "I just wanted to know you were okay?" His voice shakes.
"So you spam me?" My tone is wobbly. I can hardly get the words out. For some reason, speaking triggers something. A few tears drip onto the floor I'm sitting on. "Are you okay?" He asks.
"I have to pack," I say to him. "Y/n, talk to me. You're not okay." Yeah, because that's hard to see. "Dream."
"Y/n." He matches my stern voice.
"I don't even know you." I roll my eyes. "Stop, you're just saying that." I begin walking away from the phone. I wipe my eyes with a tissue on my desk. "Y/n, tell me."
I shake my head and pull out my suitcase. "Oh my- Y/n, stop!" He shouts. I still myself. That- It sounds so familiar.
———
I make my way to my mom's car. I can't do this anymore. Those people don't know Evan. Didn't... Didn't know him..
"Y/n, wait." I hear a comforting and familiar voice and I turn around.
I look at Atlas and see a small smile playing on his lips. "We have to talk." He says to me. I signal to my mom to wait a little longer. I walk to Atlas and sit on the curb with him.
He straightens his suit jacket. I pick at the grass. "You were just going to leave?" He asks with a soft laugh. I nod in silence. "He wouldn't have wanted all these people here."
"Yeah... He was a loner." Atlas sighs. I smile and lay my head on Atlas's shoulder as I lightly chuckle. "I don't know these people," I tell him. "Me neither." He laughs.
"Isabelle seems the most affected." He says, more serious. I pick at the skin behind my fingernails. "They were siblings." I stare down at my hands. He intertwines his fingers in mine.
"Y/n.. I did need to talk to you." He sounds less serious again. But not sad either. I turn my head to look at him. He looks at me.
He cups my face with his hand not holding mine. "Y/n..." He smiles a tiny smile.
Then it hits me. My hand escapes his. My lips separate. "No.." I murmur. I then move his hand away, more of a shove. "Y/n, I love you." He tells me.
I begin to stand, he follows me. "Our friend just died and you decide this is the best time?!" I ask him. He grabs my wrist. I shake away from him and wipe my eyes. I walk to my car.
"Y/n, stop!"
———
"Y/n..?" Clay mumbles. I sigh and rub the tears from my cheeks. I turn around and walk to my phone. "My friend died," I take a breath. "Of cancer."
"I knew it would happen. It wasn't a surprise when it did. She's been in and out of remission since she was twelve. She's always had health problems." I tell him. We haven't known each other long, but I need to talk to someone.
And the last time I talked to Atlas about this kind of thing...
"Y/n, the death of a friend..."
"You don't need to explain loss to me. I've been through it before. Multiple times. I know how loss works." I say, trying not to be snappy. He sighs and I can hear him thinking of what to say.
"I'll be okay soon. I handle these things better than most." I tell him. That's the truth. I do, I've been through grief. I know how grief works. I went through first it at a young age.
When I was seven I went to a sleepover at some girl's house. Not Isabelle's, but she was there. Her dad had come into the room and gave us snacks, Doritos, fruits, everything someone could want for snacks.
After he walked out, the girl started saying how grateful she was for her dad. And then the others joined saying everything their dads did for them. Teach them softball, cook with them, and so on.
And I didn't have any of those things. Things that so many people take for granted. So I went through the loss of a father I never had.
Then there was Evan. He was harder to get over than my dad. Because I could imagine my dad was some hero or something, and as a child, it made me feel better.
With Evan, I was a teenager. I couldn't pretend what he did didn't happen. I don't blame him for anything. I never did, I always protected his honor against his parents. Everything he went through made his pain valid. He was poked and prodded and only used to keep Isabelle alive. And to look at that worth now.
"Listen, y/n, I'm always here." Dream lets me know. I'm happy to hear that. Without Dream, I'd have nobody but my mom right now. And she never was a huge fan of Isabelle or Atlas.
She thought Atlas was selfish long before I did. And she was right. And she thought Isabelle was sort of obnoxious. But she was kind to them regardless.
My mom doesn't like most people. And if she doesn't like you off the bat, that probably won't change. She always loved Evan. And when he had nowhere to go one night, she made him very sure he was always welcome.
And to think back to a couple of days ago.
———
my favorite person
Hey?
Honey?
I love you and I'm scared
Rob contacted me about
Isabelle.
Y/n, I'm going to call the
police to make sure you're
okay if you don't answer me
I'm fine mom
You are not a fine young
lady. You are ignoring my
texts.
I'll be okay
I'm coming over with food
Mom. I said I'm fine.
And I don't believe you.
Mom. Just don't.
I'm coming and you can't
stop me. I'll kick the door
down if I have to.
Talk to Dream. You know
how I feel about Atlas. So
you should be talking to
someone. Talk to Dream,
he seems to genuinely
care about you. Let
yourself be emotional
y/n.
That's not a request. Talk
to him.
———
She likes Dream and she hasn't even met him. I did say she's got a good read on people, yes?
"Do you want me to fly up..?" He takes a long pause. "Help you pack?" He asks. "No, that's stupid." I sit on the floor. I don't have the strength to pack now.
There is silence on both sides of the call. It's not awkward, but maybe uncomfortable. He doesn't know what to say, which is understandable. But he also doesn't want to leave me alone right now, which is so sweet, I can't even explain how much I appreciate that.
"Tell me about them. The friends you lost." At first, I hate the idea. All it could do is make me miss them more. But then I realize it may help me get over all the horrible things that happened.
I scoot closer to my phone. I play with my hands in my lap. "Let's start with Isabelle," I say shakily. "Whenever you're ready." He says.
I sigh and look up at my ceiling. My fan running in circles. My thumbs fidget continuously, no matter how much I try to stop myself. "She was loving, stubborn, could get along with anyone, maybe insensitive at times." I smile to myself.
"And a memory of her that has always stuck with me... When we were twelve, before her first chemo treatment, we were sat alone in the hospital room. It was the first time the two of us had been alone together. We sat and laughed, talked about TV shows, how stupid our parents were. Well, her parents." He laughs.
"Well, I painted her nails. She always loved the color blue. Half of her shirts were blue. Blue looked perfect on her. She knew it too. Not a dark blue, like a cutesy baby blue." I sigh. "She said if she was going to die, she was going to die with her nails painted by someone she loved."
"For all my time as a teen, it felt like I was in a sad TV show, where my unbreakable friend was the protagonist. The girl survived everything thrown at her. I hope to be like that." I tell him.
"Well, I think you are. You're surviving this. The death of someone you care about can be one of the hardest things to go through." He says to me. I wipe the single tear that's fallen from the apple of my cheek. "Thanks."
I take a big breath and plenty of time to continue. I don't know where to go now. What to say. What to confess.
"Atlas. He didn't die. But I think I've lost him." I frown and stare at the profile picture of Dream's on my screen.
"He was the most caring person I knew. But at the same time, the most selfish. He knew just how to make anyone around him comfortable. He's protective of everyone he cares about, but he was never violent. Not for Isabelle or Evan. He got violent once for me." I hear Dream straighten in his seat.
"A boy at school was teasing me for needing to get free lunch. The kid had any poor kid's dream lunch. We were only thirteen. Evan, Atlas, and I were going through a lot, with Isabelle's cancer... I guess he just exploded." I say.
"He punched the kid after it went too far. Evan wanted to do it so bad, but I was holding him back. But I couldn't stop them both, so Atlas went for it. They couldn't listen to the kid bully me about something I had no power over."
I hesitate to finish it. Not the story, but our story. Mine and Atlas's. Why we aren't friends anymore. He knows I need a moment.
I cup my face in my hands. "He had feelings for me, ones I couldn't reciprocate. The timing. It was horrible. I was in no place to be loved like that." My hands quiver.
Thinking about my final segment makes me more anxious. I've never talked to anyone about this. About him. About how what happened changed my life forever. How I'd never been the same. "Y/n... There's no judgment, whether you say anything or not."
Okay, I'm ready.
"Evan."
"I loved him. Like a brother. Like the best brother, anyone could ask for. And his story was so sad. He was a savior baby. Basically, that means that he was born to give organs to his older sibling, Isabelle." I hear him scoff in disgust.
"His parents always treated him like he wasn't their child. But he always had a home in my heart. He was kind and strong, maybe a little unforgiving at times... But past that, he was quiet and funny and he-"
"He killed... He took the best person in the world away from me. He thought his life was so bad that he would leave me. He abandoned me. I didn't know how to survive without him. I had to-"
I stop myself with sobs as I crumble to the floor. No longer being able to hold myself up. "Y/n, listen..."
"But you did survive. You pulled yourself out of the gutter." He chokes up. "He loved you."
"If he loved me why did he leave me?!" I bawl and punch my floor like it'll change anything.
———
If you're seeing this, I did it. I'm gone. I only have a few requests. All of my money in my account goes to Isabelle's health. Isabelle, never stop fighting, it's what you do best. Atlas, keep y/n and Isabelle protected, I'm not there anymore. I love you guys.
And y/n... Please read this alone. You never did anything but care for me. You were my home. You put a smile on my face when nobody could. But no one person could make me happy enough for this world. Never blame yourself for what you've chosen to do. Please grant me that.
-Evan, don't miss me too much.
———
"I have nobody." I cry to Dream.
"You have me. I'm not leaving, I'm not dying, I'm not going to abandon you. And I know words don't mean much, but I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you."
His words pierce through me like a dagger. Through my ideals. Through what I've lived by for years. Someone I've known for two weeks shouldn't say that. But it sounds so genuine in his voice.
"Thank you." I manage to get out. "Anytime." And he swears on that. He'll be there when I need him. He wants to break the natural expectations I have for everyone. Not just for himself, but for my quality in friendships.
"I don't know what I would do without you." It slips from my lips. He stays silent, probably astonished. There is only a small part of me that wants to take it back.
"Okay." He says coyly.
"Okay." I sniffle one last time.
"Okay."