Cultural Note! – Levi uses the term transvestite. Today, that word is deemed derogatory in English, but in the 1940s, that was not merely the common term, but the only term for people who dressed as another gender. It would later be replaced with "cross-dresser" in the 1970s.
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Eren woke up as soon as the sky began to turn from black to purple. He glanced over at Levi sleeping by his side. His face was slack, not tense in nightmares. Eren's hand reached out, wanting to caress Levi's cheek, yet froze, and his fingers drew up into a fist.
I can't! Not without his permission.
He knew Levi was hurting deep inside. He had been through trauma Eren could not even imagine, brutalized anally, forced at gunpoint to have sex in public with a friend, raped repeatedly, and could do nothing but watch as men raped his female companions.
Never ... Never did Eren want to cause Levi to relive that horror.
His eyes slid over to the table, where his Schirmmütze rested, the swastika and eagle on the peaked cap watching over him, like the disapproving gaze of Hitler was there in his room, judging this atrocity against nature, two men half-naked in bed together, and worse, a Jew. Eren's eyes narrowed at that cap, what it represented, and what he was expected to do.
A chant rang in his mind, something he had heard many times, maybe even something he used to say, knowing that not speaking the words was unthinkable.
"Tötet alle Juden! Tod allen Schwuchteln!" Kill all Jews! Death to all faggots!
A shiver ran down his arms. He had succumbed to that part of him that he was taught was messed up and disgusting, and he was slowly damning Levi to the same sort of life he had known. A sinner. An abomination. A faggot.
He whispered in the early morning chilly air, "Ich wünschte fast, du hättest mich nie geliebt." I almost wish you had never loved me.
His words finally stirred Levi, and slowly, gray-blue eyes opened. Levi looked so vulnerable when he first woke up, almost like a child who had rousing from a nap.
"Good morning," whispered Eren.
Levi moved his mouth around, trying to moisten his tongue to talk. Had he slept with his mouth opened? Quietly, with his throat parched, he asked, "What day is it?"
Eren chuckled. "The 20th of September."
"I feel like I've slept for a month."
"You fell asleep rather quickly."
"Yeah, I never do that. It must have been those drugs." He paused, his brow pinched, and he whispered, "Was I dreaming, or did you kiss my arse last night?"
Eren's face turned red.
Levi rolled his eyes and muttered, "Maybe we were both drugged." He got up and stomped off to the bathroom. "I'm using it first," he called back and shut the door.
Eren watched him go and shook his head in amusement. What a complex man!
After Levi finished in the bathroom, Eren went in to wash up, shave, and prepare for the day. Half an hour later, he came out wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist. Levi looked up from his book, and his eyes tracked Eren as he walked around to the wardrobe.
"I hope you don't mind," Eren said before dropping the towel and pulling out underwear.
Levi's eyes glanced down to the pale butt cheeks. Words from last night flitted through his head.
"Are you seriously kissing my arse?"
"I guess so."
Touches, kisses, and then the shock of a wet tongue. Even now, it made him flustered.
Could he bring himself to kiss a man's buttocks? He was not sure if he had ever kissed a woman's rump, and that at least sounded halfway decent. A man's, though?
He had to admit to himself, Eren had one nice-looking butt, a blend of firm muscle with just enough softness to make grabbing it fun. As he gazed at the display, his hands tightened into fists.
He kind of wanted to grab Eren's ass now.
Meanwhile, Eren faced the closet for some decency as he got dressed. He had thought about asking Levi to close his eyes, or even taking all of his clothes and dressing in the bathroom like he normally did. However, a devious part of him wanted Levi to see him like this. He wondered if Levi had looked away in a huff with a red face or if maybe—just maybe—he was enjoying the view. Eren did not dare turn around to check.
Putting on his underwear, cotton shirt, and socks was easy, but he hesitated as he looked at the Heer uniform. These were the same trousers, tunic, boots, and cap that he had proudly worn for almost a year, yet it was getting harder to wear such Nazi symbols these days.
As he grudgingly took the tunic off a hanger, Levi walked up to him. His long fingers brushed across Eren's shoulder, like a last touch before that uniform swallowed him again.
"Finish dressing and get us food," he whispered.
Eren glanced over at him with a twinge of regret, but Levi had a deep understanding in his eyes. Eren had no choice but to do his duty. Anything less would be to incur the wrath of the entire German military. Still, Eren wished this uniform meant something different. He was still proud to be a German and to fight for his fatherland, but the symbols on the uniform declared something more, an ideology that was now repulsive to him.
Yet, what could he do? He had a duty to his country and a desire to protect his friends. He could not abandon them.
He yanked his uniform on, then ordered breakfast, but only one meal this time. After he hung up, Eren put in a call to the barracks. When he was done, he sat next to Levi and leaned over onto his shoulder.
"I'm sorry I have to leave."
"Why be sorry? It's your job."
Maybe, but he really wished he and Levi could have a few days together. Their time felt so limited, he hated that he spent most of it apart.
Levi felt Eren's arms being clingy again. Rather than scold him, Levi reached over and rubbed Eren's head, like consoling a child. He looked at Eren in that uniform. It was always sad to see him put it back on, but he knew there was no other choice.
After a few minutes, the food arrived. Levi calmly hid inside the wardrobe until the cart was in and the door locked again. Then he came out and saw, rather than sitting down to eat, Eren was pulling his cap on.
"I need to get going. You eat my breakfast."
Levi began to open his mouth in protest.
"Don't worry, I'll eat. I already called Floch and told him to bring some food. I'll eat whatever he brings, and you can eat my food. It's only Müsli so do not feel bad. You may need to stretch it across the day. I don't know when I will be back. Hopefully before dinner."
Levi began to reach forward, froze, and instead of an intimate touch to the face, his hand landed on Eren's shoulder. "Be careful out there. Keep up the lie, and don't do anything stupid."
"You as well."
Levi hid near the wardrobe again as Eren opened the door and locked it behind him. Then all was silent. He looked around at the empty room and let out a sigh.
"Another day alone," he muttered.
He missed having companions, or really anyone else to talk with. He used to prefer being alone, but it felt more empty these days.
He saw the bowl of oats and cream on the trolley. Not wanting the food to go to waste, he sat down, said a quick prayer over the food, and dug in.
* * *
Eren had just finished drilling his men. He glared up at the rainy sky. The forecast called for even more rain with a possible storm heading their way. All of this rain was making running drills a problem. He ran a higher risk of his men catching pneumonia than having them get lazy and fat whilst they waited for the Allies to make a move.
Moblit glanced over at Eren and followed his gaze up to the bubbling gray clouds. "Do you hear something, sir? Airplanes?"
"No. Too much rain," he muttered. Eren glanced around at the men. "Are they staying healthy and out of trouble?"
"Nack Tierce had a cold yesterday."
"Then why is he out now?"
"You know how the men can be. They don't want to look bad in front of their peers. Or in front of you, sir."
"Make sure he gets medicine. Maybe see about getting ingredients for Thomas to make soup. It'll make him happy to cook again."
"I'll get right on it, sir. By the way, do you know that tall man over there? He's been staring this way for quite a while, but he's not familiar."
Eren glanced around and saw a tall person with short blond hair and a chinstrap beard. He wanted to sneer and curse. What the hell was Yelena doing there?
Eren hollered out, "Kette bilden!" Line formation!
The soldiers stopped their drill and formed up before him.
"You've been doing well. I know it's a waiting game now, but stay focused and always be prepared. We never know when the enemy will move."
Someone shouted, "They're stuck in the mud like piglets." The others laughed.
Eren chuckled as well. "Make sure you don't get stuck. Try to stay out of the rain. You are dismissed for the day. Go inside, dry off, stay warm, and stay out of trouble. Gefreiter Wagner!"
"Jawohl, Herr Leutnant!" Thomas shouted with a salute.
"Unteroffizier Berner will find some meat for you to make soup."
All of the men cheered for "Mutti Thomas' Soup" like it was a fine delicacy. They headed to the mess hall while Eren marched over to Yelena.
"What are you doing here?" he asked in a harsh whisper.
She stood her ground with a tiny smirk on her fake-beard face. "Making sure my precious officer is doing well."
Eren's lip curled in a sneer. "I am not your precious anything!"
She chuckled at his reaction. "Your men respect you, and you genuinely care for them. I respect that in a fellow leader."
Fellow leader? He despised being reminded that this woman was a leader within the French Resistance. It reinforced that he was technically betraying his country simply talking to her. By the mischievous glint in her dark eyes, that was precisely what Yelena wanted him to understand.
"What do you want?" he snapped.
"I was worried for Levi. Is he still with you?"
"Yes. Is anything going on?"
"We could use his help, but he made it clear that he doesn't want to get involved too much."
"Keep him out of your shit!" he nearly yelled, yet managed to hold his voice down. "Can you get him out of the city yet?"
Her playful face crumbled, and Eren saw a small flare to her nostrils, showing intense frustration. "No. Something has come up. To be honest, it would be best if he stayed away for a few days. I won't be able to guarantee his safety."
"How long?"
She rolled her eyes upward as she calculated. "Can he stay with you for a week?"
"A whole week?" muttered Eren. On one hand, that was more time to be together, but on the other, Levi was in danger remaining in the hotel. "If he can't stay with me, where should he go?"
"He's resourceful; he can figure it out."
Eren's fists tightened.
"Hey! I'm trying to look out for him. I can't help him right now, and if he won't work with me, then it's best that he stays away."
"What are you planning?"
Yelena smirked. "Wouldn't you like to know, Herr Leutnant." She snorted a chuckle at his enraged face. "I would love to have Levi back—he's brilliant and skilled—but I can't force him to do anything. I want to free France, and that starts with letting Frenchmen freely do whatever they want. Still, I'm worried for him. What sort of disguise is he using right now?"
Eren looked confused. "Disguise?"
Yelena sighed in frustration. "That man! They're right about Jews being stubborn. Your new little wife..."
"Her name is Louise."
"Is she still around?"
"No, I took her home, a few kilometers south of here."
"Would your men recognize her face? If someone who looked similar were there, would they know the difference?"
Eren raised an eyebrow. "Probably not. Most of them only saw her when I brought her to my room."
Yelena muttered to herself, "Which means it could work."
"What could work?"
"Are you free for an hour?"
Eren's eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"We need to buy some things. It could save Levi's life, and might even be a way to get him out of the city."
Eren now jolted, and his distrust of this Resistance leader melted. "A way to save Levi? How?"
The towering woman waved him forward. "I hope you have money, because I don't."
* * *
Eren returned to his hotel room with bags full of shopping supplies. He glanced around the room, but there was no sign of Levi. He softly called out his name, checked the closet, under the bed, and behind the shower curtain. Then he stood up on the chair and scratched at the hatch.
"Levi," he called up quietly.
After a few seconds, the hatch opened and Levi gazed down. "You're back early."
"There were no meetings. Come down. I have something to talk to you about."
Levi eased his way out through the hatch. Then he noticed all the bags. "Did you go shopping?"
"Yes. I met with Yelena."
"What?" Levi cried out. "Did she threaten you?"
"No, nothing like that. She was worried about you. She also wanted to warn me that the Resistance is up to something, and it's not safe for you to be there."
"Merde, what is that bitch planning now?"
"I don't know, and she refused to even hint. She came up with an idea in the meantime. I thought she was crazy, but after thinking it over, it's worth a try. If this works, it could even be a way to help you to escape Metz."
Levi perked up at that. "A way to escape?"
"Maybe," he warned. "We have to test it first."
"Great! What do we do?" he asked eagerly.
Eren grinned and pulled a long piece of clothing out of the bag. "A disguise."
Levi saw the bright blue cloth unfurl and jolted back. "No. Not that again!"
* * *
Minutes later, Levi stood in the middle of the room, glaring at Eren in a way he had not done in weeks.
"I hate you right now," he mumbled.
Eren stepped back and admired the transformation. Yelena had the idea of dressing up Levi in a way so he resembled Louise. The two were both short, Louise was rather flat-chested, and luckily not too many people really saw Louise up close. Now, Levi wore a blue tea dress with tiny red flowers and giant white buttons, with a wide white belt, and low heeled shoes. The outfit and blond wig made the thirty-three-year-old Jew look like a young woman. A peevish woman, with his enraged scowl and narrow glare, but at least he had a smooth face.
"I wish we could fix your voice," Eren muttered. "The best we can do is play off that you're shy. Louise didn't talk much anyway." He adjusted a white silk scarf he had tied around Levi's neck to hide his Adam's apple. It looked fashionable for the autumn season, but it also helped with the disguise.
"This is pathetic," Levi muttered. "How do I use this dress to escape?"
"First," Eren said, "we have to see if the disguise works in public."
Levi sneered. "You want me to walk around town like this?"
"If I'm with you, people will believe that you are my wife."
"Wife?" Levi cried out. "Bollocks to that!"
"It could work, though. I even bought the exact same blue coat I got for her before she left back to her parents." Eren played with the ends of Levi's wig. "It would be nice to finally have a lover by my side."
Levi's eyes narrowed to slits. "What are you talking about?"
He shrugged and whispered, "This is something I've been wanting for a while."
"What, to dress me up, turn me into your little transvestite, and treat me like a woman? Fuck you." He shoved Eren away and stomped away on the low-heeled shoes.
"That's not it," Eren cried out, chasing after him. "For one, I'm not interested in women. The clothes are a—what's the word—Stimmungskiller. Mood killer."
"A turn-off," Levi muttered. "That's good to know."
"I just meant, going out into public with you. The first time we got to do that, you had to pretend to be my servant."
"That wasn't pretending. I was enslaved by you Nazis."
"I have never thought of you as a slave. Still, like this..." Eren bashfully muttered, "...I can finally treat you like my sweetheart in public."
Levi loosened up and let out a sigh. "I will admit, a disguise is smart. If I look like that girl, then we can use that as a weapon to help us. God knows, I've done worse to survive. But let me make it clear," he said sharply. "I am not a transvestite."
"I know you're not. And to also be clear, I don't find this appealing. It may work, though."
Levi walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Personally, he did not think he looked like a woman at all. Then again, if he was unfamiliar with his own face, he supposed the wig and dress would fool a man who did not look too closely.
"Anyone from your company would recognize me."
"I seriously doubt it. Most of those men hardly looked at the Jews. They'll either assume you're Louise or think you're a local girl." He grumbled to the side, "My men already think I prefer young, blonde, tiny, French women."
"Who are you calling tiny?" Levi snapped.
"If everyone accepts that you're Louise—and that's a big if—then I could provide you with the same protection as I could her. When I took Louise out of the city, they checked her papers, but they did not inspect her body. Yelena's idea is that I take you around until you're a familiar sight. Even if they don't believe you're Louise, you're now blond, plus you have blue eyes. You could at least pass as Aryan."
Levi rolled his eyes.
"We won't show you off too much around here, since some of the lieutenants got a close look at Louise—Greiz in particular worries me, since he spoke to her. Still, to soldiers who don't know me well, they will think you're my wife. We will have Louise send her papers up here for you to take, and you pretend to be her. I'll tell everyone you're here for a visit, and then I'll take you back to your farm, same as last time. Once we're past the guards, I'll drop you off in a nearby village. From there, you get the hell away from Metz. Once you're on the road..." Eren paused and looked heartbroken for a moment, struggling with a lump blocking his throat. "You go, keep running, and never look back. Survive. Whatever it takes, survive this. I'll find you again somehow."
Levi's brow tightened in sympathy. He looked back into the mirror and turned his head one way, then another.
"What did she look like, anyway?"
"Right, you never actually met Louise," Eren realized. "Her eyes aren't the same color as yours. They were hazel, almost orange. Her nose was a bit thinner. Her face was maybe a little rounder, but to be honest, your size and how thin you are, it's about the same. With the wig ... I mean, you don't really look exactly like her, but for people who didn't see her closely, it could work. For the gate guards going off a black-and-white photograph, it would definitely work."
Levi licked his lips and pinched his cheeks to get them pink. He had seen Petra do that trick. "We definitely need lipstick. No woman goes out without lipstick these days. I could put rouse on the cheekbones, soften them up a bit. A little makeup could make my nose appear thinner. Petra used to do this trick with makeup to change the shape of her face. She rarely did it after we got married, but she was good at it."
"We can go shopping for makeup," Eren said with enthusiasm. "I only bought this at the advice of Yelena."
Levi glared back at Eren in the reflection of the mirror. "I can't imagine you and that tall-ass woman shopping together."
"She helped to get the wig and clothes. I wouldn't know how to find any of that stuff." Quietly, he grumbled, "I didn't realize women wore so many layers."
Levi did not like the idea of Eren anywhere near Yelena, especially knowing that the Resistance leader had no qualms with murdering Eren one day. Still, he reasoned that the two were enemies forced to team up for the sake of saving him. That was impressive all on its own.
Eren leaned on Levi's shoulder and gazed at their reflections in the mirror. "Let's get you lipstick, and then we can go for a walk."
Levi still scowled, but the fact that he could walk out of this hotel without climbing along the roof was, all on its own, worth the bit of humiliation.
* * *
Eren had listened to plenty of stories from his men about their outings with women. He would watch couples, arms linked, almost glowing in bliss, and he often wondered ... what would it be like? Was it really that amazing just to be next to someone? Was love truly that wonderful?
Now he knew: It was!
Eren felt burning pride as he held onto Levi's arm and led him around. To be able to walk openly like this was a dream come true.
Well, not openly. Every time he looked down at Levi, he saw the blond wig, flower-print dress, and bright blue wool coat. For his part, Levi looked like he was suffering a humiliating form of torture. He barely got to look around since he tried to keep his eyes down. He stumbled a few times in the women's shoes. Twice, Eren had to whisper to walk more delicately, not stomp around like a sailor.
They found a place that sold makeup. Eren was mildly amused that Levi seemed to know precisely what he needed. Not only that, but after buying the items, he slipped away into a restroom to apply the makeup and came out...
Well, looking convincingly like a woman. Which was the point, but it disturbed Eren. The cherry red lipstick was weird to see.
After that, they strolled under their umbrella in the rain. Eren did not have to look at that dolled-up face this way. He could pretend it was just Levi.
As they walked, two children in uniform ran up the road.
"Hurry, hurry," the girl shouted to the boy. "We're gonna miss it. Hurry, Falco." She stopped just before running into Eren. Wide eyes looked up in shock. "Oh hey, you're that lieutenant."
Behind her, Falco also saw the officer, and he came to a sharp halt, instantly standing at attention with his arm outstretched. "Heil Hitler!"
Eren returned the salute. "Heil Hitler. You're Detective Colt Grice's little brother, yes?"
"Yes, sir! Soldat Falco Grice, reporting!"
Eren noted Falco's tunic. This was no Hitler Youth outfit. It was a real issued uniform designed to fit a child. "A soldat? How old are you?"
"I'll be thirteen next month, sir."
"No, that can't be right," he whispered in dismay. "You have to be at least sixteen."
"In our darkest hour, Germany needs every man we can get."
"And every woman," Gabi added, her eyes shining with excitement.
Eren glanced at Gabi. "You have a new uniform too."
The girl also enthusiastically saluted. "Gabi Braun, sir! I've been recruited into the SS-Gefolge as part of the communications department. I wanted to fight, I told them I was good with a rifle, but they said this was more important."
"Keeping a communications line to Berlin is vital so we can follow the Führer's commands," Eren agreed, glad that at least she would not be facing bullets. "Be safe, you two. Don't be out too late, and don't get in the way of the trucks."
"We won't," Gabi said before running off with a carefree laugh. Falco chased after her.
"Gabi, you're so fast."
"You're just slow. Slow like a Jew!"
Eren's heart ached to think two people so young were being forced to fight. These children were already fiercely entrenched in Nazi ideology, as he had been until not too long ago. They had been raised to idealize the military lifestyle, blissfully ignorant of the true horror of a battlefield. He dreaded to realize that the hatred he had been brought up learning in Hitler Youth had already spread to an even younger generation.
Would it ever fully go away?
"It's a shame," Levi whispered. "So young, yet they're forced into uniforms to fight a war they don't even fully understand."
"We need every person we can get in the coming battle. They are young, but they are strong and eager. I feel more sorry for the Americans. They've been marching since July, they lost a lot of men, and they are tired. With a good sniper rifle and stationed up in a belfry, that boy could probably take out a dozen soldiers on his own."
"Still, they're just children."
Eren tried to feel pride, but instead he felt a deep, painful grief. That boy and girl should be playing in a park with their parents, not preparing to fight in a battle. They should be deemed as innocent civilians, not child soldiers.
They continued to walk through the Esplanade. Eren smiled to himself as he squeezed Levi's hand. Just two nights ago, he had thought about how nice it would be to stroll the gardens with Levi. Now here they were, hand in hand, a couple sheltering under the same umbrella.
They went down the stairs to the fountains and continued along the canal to Moyen Pont. They walked to the middle of the bridge and gazed out toward the spires of Evangelische Stadtkirche Metz. A soldier and young woman crossed the bridge, laughing as they hurried through the rain. Levi felt his whole body on edge.
After they were gone, he hissed, "This is so dangerous."
Eren looked one way, then the other, and could finally speak in a whisper. "Don't worry. Your disguise is good," he grumbled.
Levi caught the tone of his words and glanced up into his face. "You sound upset about that."
Eren grudgingly shrugged his shoulders. "I look over, I see blond, and I start to think you really are Louise."
Levi softly muttered, "Wouldn't you prefer that?"
Eren jolted. "No! I have no interest at all in her, besides wanting to protect her as an innocent woman caught up in something bad."
A tiny smirk flickered on Levi's lips, and although brief, Eren caught it.
"Wait, are you still jealous?"
"Don't be stupid," he snapped.
Eren laughed and squeezed Levi's hand. "You know you have no reason to be jealous of her."
"You slept with her," he grumbled.
"We shared a bed. Big difference."
"You kissed her."
"Not romantically. Levi..." He took the narrow chin and pulled it over to gaze down into his gray-blue eyes. "You don't need to be jealous."
Levi pulled his face away and glared out over the rain-pocked waterway.
"What's wrong? I don't understand."
Levi knew this was not fair to Eren. "I'm worried that you'll ... you'll decide ... you want a woman instead. It makes sense, right? Now you have a perfectly good wife, so why play around with a man?"
"I'm not playing around."
"You thought you wanted a man, but what if you realize it was just a ... a fancy? A whim. Now you're dressing me up like a woman, so what if you actually want one?"
Eren grabbed Levi's chin harder this time and yanked his face over. His eyes were fiery as he glared down. "How dare you say my emotions are nothing but a whim! If I were to have dressed you up with a tail and furry ears, would you claim I am in love with a cat? If I sneak you out of Metz in a wine barrel, would you claim I want to fuck barrels now? I'm in love with you. More importantly..." He cupped Levi's face in his hand. "I see the man I love under the disguise." Then he leaned forward and gave Levi a soft kiss. With a naughty smirk, he whispered, "I'd rather see you out of these clothes."
Levi's throat tensed as blood rushed to his face. Then, to the side, he heard boots coming up along the bridge. A small patrol of three soldiers were crossing the river.
Eren let go of Levi's face, and they turned to face outward toward the church. "Eines Tages bringe ich dich in meine Heimatstadt, meine Süße." One day I'll take you to my hometown, my sweetheart.
He kept talking, bragging about his hometown, until the sound of footsteps faded. Eren glanced around.
"Okay, it's clear."
Levi sighed and dropped his head onto Eren's chest. "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid."
Eren played around Levi's ears, moving the strands of the blond wig away. "It's nice to know you feel that strongly about me, even if you won't say the words."
Levi glanced up. Say the words? What did he mean?
Eren's smile was enigmatic. "Let's stay a little longer."
Eren wrapped his arm around Levi's shoulders, pulling him in closer. Although Levi scowled and tried to shrug it off, Eren's embrace was firm. Giving in, Levi rested his head against Eren's chest. He felt the stiffness of the Nazi uniform, and as he reached up, he realized his hand was about to touch those medals on his chest. Slowly, his fingers pulled back. With the soft pattering of rain on their umbrella falling into rivulets all around them, they stood side by side and gazed out through the drizzling rain toward the island with its gothic-style church.
After a few minutes, Eren nodded to get going. They walked back up to the Esplanade and found a coach driver waiting for passengers. Eren called out to him, and the man eagerly opened up the coach door. He held out his hand, offering to help Levi up, only to get a vicious glare. Levi refused to touch his hand and began to step up on his own.
Suddenly, his heel slipped on the wet carriage step. Levi let out a small cry as he fell backward, only to land in Eren's arms.
"Vorsicht, es ist rutschig, Schätzchen." Careful, it's slippery, darling.
Eren easily lifted Levi all the way up into the carriage and climbed in after him. The driver closed the door, and after a snap of the reins and cajoling of the horses, they clomped off down the street.
Eren leaned over and whispered, "Are you okay? Did you hurt your ankle?"
"I'm fine," he snapped. "Where did you tell him to go?"
"Das Deutsche Tor. It's where we entered Metz on the first day, probably the easiest way for you to leave again. I thought we could scout it out, but we can go home instead."
"No!" Levi scowled, yet after a minute he muttered, "Okay, fine. Maybe we should go back. I don't know if I can walk."
Eren rapped on the wall of the carriage and ordered the driver to instead take them to his hotel, giving the address. The carriage turned down a street and continued. Eren carefully watched, and although Levi tried not to react, Eren saw the way some of the jostling caused his face to flinch more than usual.
"We'll do this again," Eren whispered. "Rest for tonight."
Levi nodded but said nothing. His ankle was burning, and he could feel it swelling.
A few minutes later, they arrived at the hotel. However, rather than going straight up to his room, Eren took Levi to a restaurant on the ground floor.
"What are you doing?" hissed Levi.
"Du bist bestimmt hungrig, Schätzchen." You must be hungry, darling. He leaned over and whispered in English, "Those stairs will make your ankle worse. It's best to rest a little longer. Plus here, we can see if people actually believe that you are Louise."
"What if they don't?"
"Then we'll claim you're another prostitute."
"Bastard!" he hissed, but Levi dared not raise his voice.
Eren got a table and ordered wine, bread, and cheese for them both. They ate in silence. Levi tried not to have his eyes flick around in paranoia, but he had no idea what the conversations around him were about. Hearing all of this German, seeing dozens of officers dining and milling about, truly felt like he was standing in the middle of a lion's den.
Then Levi felt something touch him. He almost choked on a piece of cheese at first, until he realized Eren was rubbing his foot up against his, gazing intensely at him. Levi's cheeks went warm. He wanted to snap at Eren to stop, but he did not dare speak a single word of English here.
He probably could have yanked his foot away, but for some reason, he did not feel like it.
"Jäger!"
Eren's foot pulled back suddenly, and Levi picked up his wine goblet, hoping to hide his face in it. Holger ran up, looking excited.
"Sie ist wieder da! Ist das nur ein Besuch? Ist alles in Ordnung?" Holger worriedly laid his hand over Levi's wrist, causing him to stiffen and look ready to stab someone. "Sind Sie krank, Frau Jäger?" She's back! Is this just a visit? Is everything okay? Are you sick, Mrs. Jäger?
Levi stared up into the eyes of this young officer. He looked so genuinely worried. Also ... Frau Jäger? Was he really convinced that this was Louise? Levi turned his face back down, not wanting to push his luck.
Eren pulled Holger's hand off. "She's fine. She wanted to see her parents so badly, but she got lonely right away. So the naughty girl ran off to come here. I really do need to take her back to her family, but maybe we'll write them a letter first and wait a little longer."
Holger laughed. "Of course she misses her husband! You two parted before you could properly have a honeymoon." He elbowed Eren and slyly whispered, "Maybe you should make up for it tonight."
Eren laughed awkwardly and glanced over at Levi. Oh, if only!
Holger picked up Levi's hand. "Ich freue mich, dass Sie hier sind, Frau Jäger." I am glad you are here, Mrs. Jäger.
Levi suddenly changed expressions and gazed up with a coquettish smile. His deep voice became high as he said, "Danke, Herr Leutnant."
Eren's mouth dropped. How in the world did he change his voice so well? Not only that, he got the German accent perfectly clear.
Holger seemed pleased. "Ich lasse euch zwei Turteltäubchen in Ruhe. Guten Abend, Frau Jäger." I'll leave you two lovebirds in peace. Good evening, Mrs. Jäger.
As Holger left, Eren let out a sigh. That was more stressful than he thought it would be, but at least it was Holger who saw them, not Greiz, who had spoken to Louise and would have realized right away, that voice was definitely not the same. If anything, it was too high.
"How..."
"Iss, mein Lieber." Eat, my dear. Levi raised his goblet to his red-painted lips and smirked into the cup.
Eren forgot, Levi had been a spy. He was good at acting a part, and he could change his voice at least a little. Also, after living surrounded by Germans for four months, he could at least remember how to say thank you.
They hurried through their food after that before anyone else from the Lieutenant's Floor saw them. Finally, they headed up to the room. Levi was glad for the rest. His ankle still hurt, but he could make it up the stairs if he went slowly. He saw that Eren still sometimes grabbed where his leg got grazed by a bullet, so going slow worked out for them both.
Finally, they reached the top floor. Eren now hurried, but Surma showed up before he could get his key into the door.
"Guten Abend, Herr Oberleutnant. Frau Jäger, Sie sind zurück!" Good evening, first lieutenant. Mrs. Jäger, you're back!
Eren realized that Surma had been on that motorcycle and sidecar with Greiz the night Louise went on a ride with them. Rather than risk detection literally a door away from safety, Eren replied. "Sie ist zu Besuch. Sie ist müde von der Reise. Bitte entschuldigen Sie uns." She's visiting. She's tired from the trip. Please excuse us.
With those curt words and wrapping an arm around Levi, as if he had to hold the small figure up lest he faint, Eren finally turned the room key and opened the door. Levi rushed in right away, while Eren said goodnight to Surma first before he closed and locked the door.
"Well, now all of the officers are going to know you're here." He looked around for Levi, but he was not in the main room. "Levi?" Then he heard urinating in the bathroom.
Oh, that was right. Levi could not have politely entered a woman's toilet all evening.
Eren removed his cap and was tugging off his boots when Levi came out. His face was washed of all its makeup, the wig off revealing a sweaty scalp, and the heels dangled in his hand from their straps.
"I need to get out of this damn dress," he growled.
"Let me!" Still wearing one boot, Eren leaped up and hurried over to stand by Levi. He undid the large white buttons, slowly exposing the masculine chest, Eren could not help but reach forward and touch him.
This was what he wanted. The man under the disguise.
After a minute of Eren just staring and touching, Levi huffed. "Are you going to let me take the dress off or not?"
Eren jolted. "Oh! Yes."
He stopped admiring Levi's chest and continued with the buttons. Then he helped him to pull the dress off. Levi worked on getting the undergarments off while Eren continued to remove his boots and got out of the uniform. He hung it up to dry and pulled out a fresh undershirt to sleep in.
Levi changed out of the camiknickers and gladly grabbed his long johns. Before he could get them up, the tight legging clenched around his swollen ankle, and Levi hissed.
Eren was by his side, wearing nothing but his pale cotton boxers. His hands were on Levi, ready to hold him up.
"You can wear my boxers for tonight. Rest your ankle."
"It's fine!"
"Levi, really," he said sternly. Not about to let him be stubborn this time, Eren marched over to his wardrobe, pulled out some spare underwear, and brought them over. "They're clean. Just for tonight. Take another pill for the pain, and let me put on some arnica. That will take down the swelling."
Levi wanted to argue, but he also just wanted to sit and rest. He had been on edge all night. The last thing he wanted was to get into an argument. He grabbed the boxers, turned to give himself privacy, and pulled them on. Then he shook out a pill and gulped it down. Finally, he slumped onto the bed, still scowling in annoyance.
Eren got the jar of arnica and scooted to the foot of the bed. "Give me your foot. Just a rub, and then you sleep."
Levi put his foot up onto Eren's lap, resting on the thin cotton boxers. Eren opened the arnica jar and carefully rubbed the cream on the ankle.
"Do you need cream on your back again?"
"Probably," Levi admitted, "but I don't trust myself now."
"Then just your foot."
Eren scooped out the floral-scented cream and rubbed it where Levi's ankle was already beginning to swell. He pouted as he felt the heat of the skin.
"Not good. It feels like a bad sprain." He carefully felt up Levi's leg.
Levi jolted back.
"Easy, easy," Eren said calmly. "I told you, my father was a doctor. I can't perform surgery, but I at least know how to tend a sprain. That is the English term, right? He told me so long ago."
"Yes, a sprain," Levi whispered, still feeling on edge at Eren touching his legs.
"I'm going to rub arnica up here too, okay?" Eren said, making sure to get Levi's permission before touching that sensitive area even more. "The swelling could spread. It's best to tend the area before it gets tissue damage."
Levi gulped and nodded rapidly. Eren rubbed the arnica on, making sure to cover all of the ankle, all the way up to the mid-calf. Levi kept twitching, humiliated that mere touches to his legs affected him so potently. One hand even covered his crotch, because he could see what was arising there!
Although Eren's touches made his body tingle, Levi saw the pinch in his brows. Eren was seriously worried for him and doing his best to heal him. Levi wanted to respect that, so he took a deep breath and let it out in a slow stream to calm himself down.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Eren gave him a warm smile. "Don't be so stubborn next time."
"I was afraid, if that man touched me, he'd figure it out. I don't exactly have a lady's hands."
Eren's cheeks warmed up. "No, you don't," he muttered. "You have masculine hands, strong with a firm grip."
Levi glanced at him and that bashful expression. He looked down at his hands. Were they really that masculine? He had just worried that they were rough and callused.
Eren cleared his throat. "I know we wanted to test out the disguise, but it might be best to stay off your foot for a day or two. Especially those stairs. I know all too well, climbing all those stairs can be a nightmare."
Levi only nodded. The pills were starting to kick in, making his head swim. He muttered, "I should have only taken half a pill."
Eren paused. "Are you okay?"
"Woozy."
"I'll get your back, then go right to bed."
Levi nodded and removed his shirt without a second thought. Already, he moved sluggishly with his mind drifting on a cloud.
"Just your back," said Eren.
"My hip too," Levi mumbled. "That's the spot that hurts most."
Eren glanced down at the bruise that went from the hip down to the buttocks, most of it hidden under the cotton boxers. He frowned, not liking the allurement of getting to touch that area again and all the dangerous thoughts that came with it. Still, if Levi was in pain, he wanted to care for him.
"Na schön! Slide them down, but not all the way."
Levi shifted the boxers down, only exposing the crack of his butt. Eren worked quickly, hoping to lessen the temptation. Once there was arnica cream on all the bruises, he capped the bottle and stood up.
"Get dressed," he ordered, and he went to wash his hands.
Levi pulled his underwear back up, but he kept the shirt off. He ambled over to the table and poured a cup of wine. When Eren came out of the bathroom, he paused to look at Levi standing there, wearing nothing but his own oversize boxers that hung off his bony hips.
"Thirsty," Levi mumbled, tipping up the cup.
"You should drink water. Don't dehydrate, it's bad for healing. Turn off the lights when you're ready."
Levi nodded. He watched as Eren pulled back the blankets and settled onto his pillow. He heard the mutter of a prayer, and then Eren shifted around to get comfortable for the night.
When had sleeping together become such a common thing between them? Worse, when had his mind gone from thinking these emotions were weird to craving more?
So, so much more!
His heart was racing, his mind swirling, a thousand thoughts flying around his head, culminating into one desire. He slammed the cup of wine down.
"Eren!" He hurried to the bed.
"What?" he whispered. To his surprise, Levi leaped on top of him. "L-Levi!"
Lips were immediately on him, silencing any attempt at a protest. Levi's feet kicked the blankets off, exposing Eren's body. Then suddenly, Eren felt his wrists being grabbed and pinned down. His eyes went wide.
"Wait!"
"Don't stop me," Levi said, his voice husky with desire. "Please, don't stop me!"
"What...?"
Levi's lips silenced him again. Eren began to panic. Should he obey Levi and not stop him? He knew he probably should push him away, but he sounded desperate to be allowed to do this.
What was he supposed to do?
Levi kept kissing, moving down Eren's throat, nipping at his Adam's apple, and giving a suck to the side of his neck that made Eren gasp and shiver. Then he thrust Eren's shirt up.
"Take it off," he ordered.
"But Levi—"
"Please!" Levi sat up, breathing hard with a blaze in his eyes. "Let me. Just once."
Eren felt pity at those pleading words. Despite his better judgment, he sat up, pulled his shirt over his head, and let it drop to the floor. Levi's hands rubbed along Eren's long arms, felt over the taut muscles of his shoulders, and slid down Eren's chest and torso, like he was revealing a coveted treasure.
Eren gulped hard as he sat there and let Levi touch him. Those fingers left tingling streams across his skin, making him shiver in bliss.
Levi's eyes lifted off Eren's torso and into his lowered, lust-filled gaze. Their lips met again, and their bare chests pressed together, skin on skin. A surging need engulfed Levi, like floodgates bursting from pressure held back for far too long.
Suddenly, he shoved Eren back down. Before he could let out a cry of shock, Levi was on top of him, muting him with his lips. He kissed, nipped, dragged Eren's low lip between his teeth, and plunged his tongue in to taste all he could. After kissing Eren's lips until they were swollen, his mouth went down to the slender throat again. He kissed there and gave a soft bite to his collarbone, just enough to elicit the shuddering moan that he wanted to hear.
Eren rolled them so they were both on their sides. He had hoped that this position would allow him to calm things down, but Levi had other plans. His leg hiked up, wrapped around Eren's hip, and yanked him in even closer. His hands wrapped around, grasping at the muscular hills and vales of Eren's back. Then his fingers slid down to his waist. Eren gasped as one hand brushed over the hem of his underwear and ventured beyond to the previously forbidden realm.
"Levi," he moaned in a breathy whisper as those fingers curled around his ass.
Levi grabbed Eren's butt and yanked him in even tighter, wanting to feel his body up against him.
"Gott!" Eren moaned.
Levi pulled on Eren again and again, thrusting up with soft grunts, desperate for more friction, until his breath grew ragged.
Eren pulled back sharply. "Wait, wait." He gulped and gave himself a moment to calm down. "This isn't right."
"What?" Levi whispered, lost to reason.
"I don't want to push you too far. The last thing I want is to scare you away again."
"You didn't scare me last time," he said defensively.
"What exactly do you want?"
"To enjoy this while my head is in a good place."
"No. It's like me and the Pervitin..."
"Eren! Shut up, please." Levi's hands clutched at him in desperation. "Just ... Just let me."
Eren felt anguished at Levi begging him like that, but he shook his head. "Nein. I can't."
"Please!"
"Tell me," he said, still holding himself back. "How far do you want to go?"
How far? Levi's brow tensed at the question. He had been reacting on pure instinct, glorious inhibition, free from the fears and pain. He was not thinking it through at all. He didn't want to think!
"I ... I don't know anymore," he admitted. "These pills ... all the fears are gone, but so is everything else." He gazed at Eren and confessed, "I want you, so bad it hurts, but I don't trust myself."
Eren closed his eyes, still straining to hold back. "I shouldn't."
"Please!" Levi's leg wrapped around him, holding Eren in place. "I'll bear all responsibility."
"You're the one who's drugged!" Eren sneered and cursed himself. He knew the right thing to do, but he was too weak. "Set a limit. I'll enforce the rules."
Levi scoffed. "I'm older, I should be the more responsible one."
"Well, you're drugged right now. I should stop completely..."
"No, please!"
"Or..." Eren leaned in and gave him a soft kiss. "...you set a limit. I'll kiss you," he whispered, giving Levi a peck, "and touch you," he went on, caressing his fingers down Levi's back to pull him in closer, "but I will not do anything I know you are not ready for, not when you're like this. So set a limit, a reasonable one."
Levi let out a sigh. He didn't want to be reasonable! His whole body was wound up, and he did not want to think about limits or boundaries.
"I'll be honest," Eren said, his fingers playfully circling around Levi's nipple, "I want to know your limit so I can do everything up to that point." He leaned into Levi's ear and whispered, "I want to push your limits." With that, his fingers pressed on the taut nipple, rolling it around.
Levi nearly moaned at the sensual words and touches, yet he knew he had to stay quiet. Right then, he realized what at least part of his answer should be.
"Nothing to make either of us moan."
Eren arched an eyebrow. "That's a vague limit."
"We shouldn't make a noise." His eyes flicked up, daring him. "Anything up to that point."
Eren smirked at the challenge. "Anything? I can keep to that limit on my side, but if I'm pushing you too far, you'll need to let me know."
"Agreed. We can kiss and touch all we want, so long as it's not something to make either of us moan."
Eren chuckled slyly. He pushed Levi onto his back and slowly crawled on top. "You know, I can do a lot and be silent."
"I doubt you could fuck a fly without grunting like a pig."
"That's mean." He chuckled as he kissed a line down Levi's chest. "Pushing you to that limit will be fun."
He kissed right over Levi's nipple, gave it a tiny lick, and then softly gasped it between his lips, giving it a tug. A gasp shot out.
"Mm, that's too much." He went to the other side, only giving that nipple a kiss and lick. "I see that's within the limit. Gut zu wissen." Good to know.
He kissed lower, all along his stomach, down to his belly button.
"Der Sektor ist gesäubert. Alle Einheiten, Angriff!" This sector's clear. All units, attack!
He gave a long lick straight up Levi's abs, and the small man barely had time to slap a hand over his mouth to hold back a cry.
"Not your tongue, idiot!" Levi hissed. "And what are you babbling about?"
"Just testing the boundaries of my new territory."
"Territory? Fuck you. I am not your—" Just then, Eren kissed a lower rib that made Levi jolt.
"Hier bist du kitzelig, oder?" You're ticklish here, huh? Eren chuckled as he recalled something Jean once told him. "Kitzelige Leute sind die besten Liebhaber." Ticklish people are the best lovers.
"What are you saying?"
Eren pulled himself back up, nose to nose with Levi. "I want to get to know every part of you." He gave a deep, sensuous kiss. "Anything that doesn't make you moan, ja? It will be fun to see how good your resilience is."
"My resilience? Isn't that word too big for a child like you?"
Eren kissed Levi's ear and whispered, "Maybe it is rather ... big." His hips made a slow thrust over Levi's crotch.
Levi hissed a curse. He was achingly turned on by Eren's touches and hungry mouth, and he did not want it to stop.
What were his limits? He had been wondering that since yesterday. He wanted to find them, push them, and edge himself right up to that limit. No moaning. Nothing to hint that another man was in this room. Keep it safe, but make it pleasurable.
Levi's eyes were closed, mouth open, blocking out the world around him, focused solely on pleasure. Eren's mouth played along his throat now. Levi turned his head to expose more, wanting those lips to cover him in kisses.
"Merde," he whispered.
"I think that's a moan. Should I stop?" Eren whispered, giving a soft lick up the edge of his neck.
Levi did not answer.
Minutes slowly ticked by with kisses, adventurous fingers, and needy gropes. Occasionally, Levi felt Eren's body press down on him, and a distinct hardness wedged up against his body. As Eren gave a slow thrust, his whole body trembled in bliss, only for him to pull away, worried about doing too much. Still, not even a minute later, his hips made the nervous move again, and his breathing got a little more ragged.
Levi gazed up at Eren as he made that slow undulation again, and he watched as those plump lips parted in a silent moan. Eren's cock rubbed right alongside his own. It felt so good, and it was still so strange. He recalled the first time he felt Eren harden up, that wild kiss in the underground armory. Back then, it had shocked him, reminding him that he was kissing a man. Even later on in the attic, rubbing up against Eren like this had been strange, a foreign sensation, yet pleasurable.
It was that time in the bathtub that changed everything. There, they had a taste of the pleasure that was theirs for the taking, if only they could have a single day of peace without worrying about all the German officers around them.
Levi had lost control back then, forgetting where they were and ignoring what limits they should have. Now, he saw Eren getting close to that same instinctive ledge. He was rutting against him harder, growing more persistent. He wanted to let Eren do whatever he wanted, maybe even watch as he burst in his clothes again. It was so tempting to keep quiet and see him fall apart.
A quiver rippled through Eren's body. "Levi..."
Shit, that moan was way too loud! "Eren."
He suddenly pulled his hips up, his head hanging, his lungs unsteady, as his body still shivered with how close he was. "I'm sorry. We ... We need to stop."
Levi nodded. Any more and they both would need another pair of underwear.
Eren flopped to his side of the bed, struggling to breathe slowly. Levi's body buzzed with the lingering heat and wetness of Eren's mouth. He glanced over, saw how flushed Eren's face was, and then cautiously glanced down. The sight of a massive pole tenting the underwear made him bite his lip. His fingers began to move down there on their own, but at least a little bit of clarity was in his addled brain.
Nothing to make either of them moan. He shouldn't touch. Reluctantly, his fingers drew back.
"Go wank off in the toilet."
Eren's labored breaths came to a sharp stop.
"Really, go ahead," Levi said with calm understanding. "I'd rather you get it out of your system now than think about it all night."
"Do you also need to ... um..."
"I'm not a child like you. I'll be fine." Already, he felt the tension down below easing away. "Go. Make it quick."
Eren pouted, but he slowly retreated to the other room. Levi rested on his side and took the sheet to wipe saliva off his throat. He took a slow breath in and let it out in a stream through his mouth. Down below, everything tingled as the blood flow returned to normal.
What had he been expecting when he decided to come back to this room? He knew things would start back up between them. He wanted it, on some level. He knew part of this was from the drugs lowering his inhibitions, but his whole body felt alive, awakened after a long slumber. Even as sleepiness set in and the tension sank away, the desire that he kept shoving away was there.
The limit he gave to Eren was vague enough to allow them to do a lot, just nothing that would get them into trouble. The enemy was all around them, yet in this room, they both could be safe being who they really were.
He heard heavy breathing in the bathroom followed by a soft, airy groan of pleasure. Levi shook his head. That brat! Then again, Eren could be as loud as he wanted, and the other officers would just think he was with his wife.
Wife! As if falling for a man wasn't strange enough, now it was a married man.
A little later, Eren came back out, his cheeks flushed, unable to meet Levi's gaze, humiliated by what he had done in the bathroom. He slipped under the sheets and rolled onto his side, facing the wardrobe again, unsure what he could possibly say. He felt so guilty, taking pleasure in Levi like that, yet feeling like he had not given the same level of pleasure back. He felt it was not his place to touch Levi too much, especially not when he was drugged. He feared that even this much was too much.
Just then, he felt an arm slip around him, coming to rest right over the center of his bare chest, with fingers softly playing over his skin. Eren smiled as Levi snuggled up to his back, shifting around to find a good position to spoon.
Eren whispered, "Are you okay?"
Levi shifted a little more to get into a comfortable spot. "I'm good."
"If that was too much—"
"Shut up," Levi blurted out. He let out a soft, amused laugh. "It really is nice, not having all those bad memories. Just me and what I want."
Eren traced across the long fingers that stroked lazily up and down his chest. "What you want? So, does that mean you wanted all of that?"
Levi hummed to himself. "I guess so ... and more," he had to admit, even though it still confused him at times.
He shrugged off any lingering strangeness and decided to just go with what felt right. Here, sharing a bed, feeling Eren's warmth, his fingers softly caressing his bare chest ... this felt right.
# # #
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Müsli – a bit like porridge in British English, or oatmeal in American English, except the oats are soaked, not boiled. It was developed by a Swiss-German doctor around 1900 as a health-conscious option for hospital patients, served with grated apple, cream, honey, fruits, or berries. As food in Germany became more scarce in the 1940-50s, the simple nutrition of Müsli became common for breakfast or even dinner. Modern muesli (at least as it is sold in American stores) is a blend of oats, nuts, and dried fruits. When toasted, it is packaged in the U.S. as granola, and it is still a favorite snack for people with health-conscious diets.
Tea Dress – a style worn by women in the 1940s. As World War II caused rations on fabric, women were encouraged to sew tea dresses. It was loose-lined, easy to make, and comfortable to wear as women were allowed to enter the workforce while the men were off fighting. Flowers, polka dots, tartan, and checkered prints were popular.
Historical LGBTAQ Terminology – The term transvestite was coined in 1910 by Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a German sexologist. He's a really cool historic figure. He started the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft (Institute for Sexual Research) where the first gender reassignment surgeries were performed. He was an outspoken advocate for gender minorities and wrote many books on gender, sexuality, and racism in the medical field. He did a world tour promoting "love's natural turns," his way of describing the spectrum of human sexuality, insisting it was natural, a revolutionary concept at the time, when psychologists believed homosexuality was a sign of insanity.
The Nazi Party put a halt to his research and any medical treatments for transgender people. Especially since Dr. Hirschfeld was Jewish, threats against his life forced him to flee to Switzerland, hoping to stay close to Germany and return once the Nazi violence subsided. Sadly, that was not to happen in his lifetime.
In 1933, Nazi youths burned 20,000 of his books in the first of many massive book burnings and possibly killed Dora Richter, the first transgender woman known to have undergone sex reassignment surgery. Joseph Goebbels gave a speech in the midst of the burning, declaring, "No to decadence and moral corruption! Yes to decency and morality in family and state! I consign to the flames the writings of Heinrich Mann, Ernst Gläser, Erich Kästner." The Gestapo threw the Institute Administrator—a gay man—and the institute's lawyer—a Jew—into concentration camps. Dr. Hirschfeld's sister did not make it out of Germany and died in a Ghetto. As for the other patients ... well, we know how Nazis treated anyone "different."
Dr. Hirschfeld realized his hopes of returning to Germany were diminishing with every torchlit parade of SA and Hitler Youth. With his partner, Li Shiu Tong (who Hirschfeld affectionately called Tao Li, literally Peaches and Plums, also can mean Upstanding Student, and a reference to the usage of peaches as symbolism for homosexuality in Chinese culture) and his other partner Karl Giese (yes, polyamorous) Hirschfeld left for France to work with sex researchers there and write more books. He published The Human Spirit and Love: Sexological Psychology (1935) and finished a book that he had been writing during his 1930-32 world tour, Rassismus (Racism). He argued that the völkisch racism of the Nazi regime was only an extreme variant of same prejudices found throughout the Western world; the difference was only in the degree of intolerance, not the kind of similar hatred.
Dr. Hirschfeld passed away on his 67th birthday in Nice, France. His headstone is engraved with his motto, "Per Scientiam ad Justitiam" (through science to justice). His partner Karl Giese left France for the Czech Sudentenland. When the Nazis made their move against the Sudentenland, Giese committed suicide rather than be taken to the Lodz Ghetto. As for Li Shiu Tong, he drifted through universities across Europe and America, then returned to Hong Kong. Li wrote a lot about how he did not view gender as absolute, but a continuum. Unlike Hirschfeld, who believed queerness was purely biological, Li believed environment could play a part. He also believed it was far more common than most people thought, claiming humans were 40% bisexual, 30% heterosexual, 20% homosexual, and 10% other. Li lived into his 80s and passed away in Canada in 1993.
Seriously, we need a movie based just on Hirschfeld, Giese, and Li, especially to show all the GOOD these men did for the LGBTAQ community of the 20th century!
(Hitler awarding medals to the children he set up to defend his bunker in Berlin, 1945. It was Hitler's last public appearance before he committed suicide.)
Hitler's Child Soldiers – In 1936, Hitler made it mandatory that all Aryan children join Hitler Youth, where they were indoctrinated in Nazi propaganda. In the waning days of the war, some military roles were filled with members of Hitler Youth, and children as young as 11 were sent into combat. Tens of thousands died. One witness of the Fall of Berlin told a story of a 14-year-old boy who had been shot for "defecting" from his military post because he feared the approaching Russian army.
Long Johns and Camiknickers – long johns are one-piece men's undergarments, still popular in cold places, often fitted tightly on the wrists and ankles to hold in warmth. Camiknickers grew in popularity around the 1930s, combining the camisole (sleeveless undergarment going down to the waist) with knickers (loose-fitting underwear shorts). When a soldier wrote home to his girl asking her to send a sexy picture, it very likely could have been a picture of her wearing camiknickers.