INT. PUB
The lively Irish jig played and people chattered indistinctly.
Luther, Five, the twins and Old Five were at the bar.
Luther sighed. "Well... This is nice, isn't it? The five of us, together like this."
"No," both Fives said.
"Somebody explain to me how it is I'm having a pint of Guinness with my younger self," Old Five said.
"Older, actually," Five corrected. "I'm you, just 14 days older."
"I have pubic hair smarter than you. How is that possible?"
"I can explain. You see, one hour from now, on the grassy knoll, before the president is killed, you break your contract with the Commission. I already know you're thinking about it. All those years in the apocalypse, we never stopped worrying about our family. Diego married a great woman, the mother of Liam and Layla. Well, today, you are going to do something about it. Today, you are going to attempt to time travel forward to 2019. However, you are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body, trapped forever, small, pubescent."
"Okay." He farted. "Even if I was to believe you, what am I supposed to do about it, not jump?"
"No, no. I need you to jump. If you don't jump, I cease to exist. What I need from you is to jump correctly."
"I'm listening."
"The first time through, I got the calculation wrong. That's how I ended up in this body. But now, I know the correct calculation."
"What is it?"
"I'll be glad to tell you... in exchange for that briefcase you're holding under the table."
Luther piped in his two cents. "Yeah, yeah, so you go back to 2019, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain a full-grown man. In exchange, we get that briefcase that you no longer need. Timeline restored, paradox resolved."
"Everyone goes on existing happily ever after."
"That's quite a bit to take in," Old Five commented.
"What do you think?" Five asked.
"I think... I need to piss." He got up and took the briefcase with him.
"Oh," Luther said pressing a cloth to Five's face. "Well, besides the flop sweat, I think that went pretty well, am I right?"
Five pushed Luther's hand away. "No, no, there's something... Something doesn't feel right about this," Five replied.
"What... What do you mean?"
"I don't trust him."
"But he's you."
"Exactly."
The twins looked between the three with confused expressions.
INT. COMMISSION
Typewriters clacked nearby and an office phone rang as Diego and Guinevere walked the halls.
A gentle chime sounded over the speakers and a woman spoke. "A tidy workspace is a happy workspace."
Diego opened a door and entered a room, followed by Guinevere. "Bingo, the Infinite Switchboard. All right." He sat and popped his knuckles. "How hard can this be?" He inserted some wires and it whirred. The console beeped.
Diego shouted and grunted as sparks shot out. Guinevere screamed, hiding behind her husband.
A hand was placed on Diego's shoulder, and he turned, holding a knife to the man while shielding Guinevere's body with his.
"Oh!" Herb cried. "Please don't hurt me." He panted.
"Who the hell are you?" Diego asked.
"I'm Herb. I'm an analyst."
"I'm Diego. I have a knife. This is Guinevere. My wife."
Herb's breath trembled. "Yes, I can see." He gulped loudly. "It's very shiny." Diego removed the knife. "Oh." Herb inhaled sharply.
"Breathe."
Herb panted softly and smiled. "It's an honor to meet you, Mr. Hargreeves, Mrs. Hargreeves."
"You know us?"
"Everybody knows you two. I mean, you're Number Two. You're a legend. She's a legend too."
"Really?"
"Mr. Hargreeves, Mrs. Hargreeves you can't be in here."
"Herb, is that any way to talk to a legend? Gwen chose not to take my last name." Herb shook his head. "You know how to work this puppy?"
"I'm certified to operate the ISB, yes."
"Good. I need you to look up a date: November 22, 1963, the assassination of John F. Kennedy."
"Unauthorized use of the Infinite Switchboard is a clear violation of company protocol 67D..."
"Don't be such a tight-ass."
"You don't understand. There's been a coup d'état."
"What's that? Cadillac?"
Guinevere chuckled softly. "No, dear."
"No." Herb huffed softly. "The Handler has taken over the Commission. This whole place has gone to heck in a handbasket, and people are disappearing. They would kill us all if they caught us in here."
"Well, you better get started before they come get us," Diego told him.
"One quick look, and then you gotta go."
"My man." He scooted back.
"Okay..." Herb walked closer to the switchboard and started pulling out woes. "Oh, no. Why would you... No, no. Bad." The switchboard powered down. "Don't hurt the timeline." He inserted various wires. "That's a rule... that I intend to follow." The switchboard powered up and machines whirred. "This one connects to that one..." Herb muttered indistinctly. "Okay." He turned a couple knobs. "Here we go. Dallas. November 22, 1963."
"This is it," Diego said, standing next to Herb. They watched JFK and Jackie Kennedy exit the plane and get into a car. "This is right before the assassination."
"Assassination?"
"Pay attention. The president is about to turn into Dealey Plaza. One more turn into Elm and they're gonna start shooting." A blue light shone from a building and it exploded. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell is that?"
"That's the FBI building."
"Yeah, but why the hell did it just blow up?"
"That's not supposed to happen?"
"No, that's not sup... He's driving away. They didn't kill him? Holy shit."
"Oh... Oy, that's no bueno."
"It wasn't a gunshot, it was an explosion we heard on the Frankel footage," Guinevere realized.
A reporter spoke. "...the attack on Dealey Plaza, as the Soviets deny all responsibility."
A second reporter said, "Moscow promises a fierce response in retaliation to American attacks."
A third reporter spoke. "Anchorage, Alaska, has just been decimated by the Red Menace!"
A fourth reporter. "The world braces as we find ourselves on the brink of nuclear war." An alarm wailed. "All citizens take cov..." A flat tone sounded over the broadcast.
"That's what Hazel was trying to tell us," Diego realized.
"Hazel?" Herb asked.
"I mean, this is what causes doomsday. Do you have another angle on the FBI building?"
Herb turned a dial. "Watch this." He fiddled with a knob and a couple levers. "And..." Vanya, with a blue glow to her chest, was levitating.
People screamed, wreckage crashed, and sirens wailed below. A high-pitched tone resonated and warbled.
"Vanya," Diego and Guinevere said.
"Vanya is the bomb," Five told his siblings and sister-in-law.
"Vanya is the bomb," Diego stated. "She will always be the bomb. Gwen and I need to get back to Dallas. Now."
"We need La Résistance," Herb said.
Overlapping chatter sounded as the door opened to a meeting. The group grew quiet and turned to look at the three who had just entered.
"You gotta be kidding me," Diego stated.
"I know we don't look like much, but we're resourceful," Herb told him.
"Don't mess with case management," Dot warned.
"Stand down, Dot."
INT. PUB RESTROOM
A faucet ran as muted Irish music played.
Old Five turned the water off and sighed softly. He looked at the glass eye and a toilet flushed.
The door opened and Luther said, "Oh. Sorry. Ugh." He noticed the glass eye and chuckled. "Yeah, that's a waste of time. Trust me." He made his way to a urinal and used it.
"Then why were you holding it when I found you dead in the apocalypse?" Old Five asked.
Luther spluttered. "No idea. But the guy it belonged to didn't end the world. Vanya did."
"Timid little Vanya."
"Yep. Is more powerful than all of us put together. Turns out, she was pissed about the way we treated her when we were kids, so she destroyed the moon and ended the world."
"Huh. Fair enough."
Luther zipped his pants and sighed. "Yeah."
Old Five turned. "This is perfect. We now know exactly what's gonna happen."
"Yeah, except it, uh, already did."
"Don't think, just listen. Forget about the little jerk-off's plan. It's way too complicated. A much better plan is for us to travel to 2019. All we have to do is make nice with Vanya, stop her from destroying the world. Easy-peasy."
"Hmm."
"Well, that's actually..."
"That's not bad, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. But what about Five? I mean, you? I mean, the, uh, young you."
"That's not me. That's a prepubescent photocopy that got botched in the time jump. Besides it's too late for him anyway."
"Too late?"
Old Five scratched his neck. "Paradox psychosis? Best thing we can do is put him out of his misery."
"What? You're... You're saying to kill him?"
"You're thinking about this all wrong."
"We're not killing anybody."
"No... Look at me. I'm Five, and I will still be alive. All we are doing is getting rid of a mutant doppelgänger. Amputating a vestigial nipple." He turned, picked up the briefcase, and was about to leave.
Luther stopped him. "Wait... are you sure you don't have paradox psychosis?"
"I've never felt better in my life." He left and opened the door.
Five looked up from the table. "We good?"
"We're good," Luther said.
"You got a deal," Old Five told them. "We gotta hurry. Kennedy's en route. Less than an hour until showtime."
Five stood as he asked, "Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?"
"Relax."
"You're getting paranoid."
Old Five let out a scoffing chuckle. "Oh, am I?" Both Fives farted.
"Stinky!" the twins yelled, earning a frown from Luther and a glare from both Fives.
Luther smiled awkwardly. "Okay, let's roll."
The five left the pub.
INT. FBI BUILDING
"She'll start talking soon enough," the female interrogator said.
"Vanya, talking to us is your only option," Gibbs said. "Who is your handler? Answer me."
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
Vanya gasped softly and asked, "Excuse me?"
"We're all waiting," Reginald said.
"For what?"
"The answer."
"I... I don't... I don't understand."
"So you're not prepared, is that what you're saying?"
"Well, prepared for what?"
"It's not her fault," Ben stated. "She hit her head. She can't remember anything."
"She got overheated, wiped her mind clean," Allison said, smirking.
"She's lazy," Luther added. "Didn't study."
Vanya began saying, "No, no, that's not it. I..."
Klaus cut her off. "Maybe she's been faking it all along."
"She's just not ready for this," Ben said.
"You're all wrong," Reginald stated. "Number Seven deliberately chooses not to remember."
Grace walked into the room.
"Mom?" Vanya asked. "Are you okay?"
Grace set down a plate in front of her. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" Her cheek was showing a blue light and the tops were removed, revealing brains. Vanya looked at her plate in horror before the servants walked away.
"Something wrong?" Reginald asked.
"Just not hungry," Vanya replied.
"Try it. It might help you remember."
Gibbs' voice echoed. "...remember. Vanya, what are you doing in Dallas? Keep ignoring me and see what happens."
"We will get you to talk," the female interrogator said.
Cutlery clinked softly on plates and squishy chewing sounded.
Vanya cut into the brain and looked at the piece on her fork. She bit into a piece of the brain.
She groaned, trying to stop the memories. She grunted and choked.
"Number Seven!" Reginald yelled. "Either you remember..." the siblings, excluding one, laughed, "or you will go to your room without dessert!" He hit the table and cutlery rattled.
INT. ROOM
"What the hell's going on with the lights?" Gibbs asked.
"She's not responding," the female interrogator noted.
"Let's motivate her." Electricity surged and Vanya gasped and moaned loudly.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan groaned and let out shuddered grunts.
INT. ROOM
"Are you here to kill the president?" Gibbs asked.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan cried out and groaned.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Allison panted as she tied the dead Swede's body in a cloth. "God, why are people so much heavier when they're dead?"
"You got a lot of practice at this?" Ray asked.
Klaus chuckled. "Yeah."
"No," Ben said, turning to Klaus. "Hey, so, what was it like when I possessed you?"
"It was like sex with one of the lesser Baldwins. I mean, you can feel him clattering around in there, but do you really care? Why?" He rested his hands behind his head. "What was it like driving in this hot business?"
"It... It was like having no skin... but still wanting to touch... everything."
"Oh, yeah," Klaus whispered.
"Okay," Ray said. "One... two..." They lifted the body, each letting out strained grunts.
A zapping whoosh sounded and Ray shrieked.
The body was dropped.
"Shit!" Diego cried as Guinevere screamed.
Everyone gasped and panted.
"Oh!" Allison exclaimed.
"Oh, good. All right, you're both here. Wait. All right, we gotta find her and go."
"Diego, Gwen, Jesus!"
Herb chuckled. "Wow. Number Two, Two's wife, Three and Four. We almost have an Umbrella straight flush."
"Ray, this is my other brother, Diego and his wife Guinevere," Allison said.
"Hey, man," Diego greeted, walking up to Ray and shaking his hand. "Sorry to crash in here like this." He walked back towards Herb.
"Hey, who is this guy?" Klaus asked.
"Herb. He worked with Five at the Commission."
"The Commission?"
"We monitor and maintain the time-space continuum," Herb explained.
"Okay."
"No, for real," Diego said. "I was just there. It's awesome. Okay, Gwen and I got to look at the timeline. I know what causes doomsday. It's Vanya."
"Wait, what?" Allison questioned.
Klaus stood and joined Allison before asking, "How?"
"Gonna blow up the federal building at Dealey Plaza just as the president's passing through in less than one hour," Guinevere explained. "We gotta find her and stop her, now."
"Wait, Vanya kills the president?" Allison questioned.
"No, no, no," Diego said. "See, the explosion causes the motorcade to drive off. Kennedy lives. Everybody thinks Russia's behind it, including the president. He strikes, they strike back. Before you know it, it's raining nukes."
"Okay, um..."
"Holy shit," Klaus said.
"Ray?" Allison called. "Ray, baby." Ray panted. "Are... Are you okay? Okay." She took his hands.
"No, I'm not okay," Ray replied. "First of all, this son of a bitch beams into our living room with yet another one of your brothers and his wife, and they're talking about stopping one of your sisters from blowing up some buildings and I got a dead man wrapped up in my best rug, babe."
"Okay. Okay, okay. Can we... Can we... Raymond. Ray. Ray."
"Or we can have that shampooed," Herb said, turning around. "We also provide body removal services." he chuckled.
Ray's breath trembled as Allison said, "I love you, Raymond Chestnut... and I really wish I had time for the nervous breakdown you so deserve." She inhaled shakily, touching his cheeks.
"But you have to go," Ray finished.
"I have to go."
Ray pulled her close and kissed her.
Allison pulled away after a moment and took a deep breath.
The group exited, leaving only Ray in the house.
INT. COMMISSION
Low chatter sounded and an office phone rang nearby.
Lila entered the classroom and asked, "Hey, where's the new recruits? The shaggy hair, caveman face and the one that looks like a Disney princess?"
"No clue, sorry," the instructor replied.
A gentle chime sounded and a woman spoke. "Loyalty isn't a choice, it's a lifestyle."
Lila looked at Diego and Guinevere's desk and left the room.
EXT. STREETS
People cheered and a marching band played nearby.
INT. HALL
A man walked through the hallway.
INT. ROOM
"Vanya, I don't wanna keep doing this to you, but I have a responsibility to the public, and I need to know who you are," Gibbs said.
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
"Eat up, it's getting cold," Reginald told Vanya.
"I don't want it," Vanya said.
"I know you don't want it, but you can't pretend it doesn't exist." He stood.
"I'm not pretending."
"Of course you are." He rounded her chair. "You choose to live in a fantasy, a land of make-believe where you don't have to face up to who you really are. Rather than face the complexities of your own existence, you choose to hide inside someone else's. A silly life on a silly farm. That's not meant for you."
INT. ELEVATOR
The elevator dinged and Allison, Klaus, Guinevere and Diego entered.
Allison sighed as the doors closed and the elevator whirred.
She crossed her arms. "I hope we find Vanya in time."
Guinevere nodded. "We will."
INT. UMBRELLA ACADEMY
"You can't deny your true self any longer even if you are afraid," Reginald said.
Vanya panted. "I'm not afraid."
"Then eat! One more bite, and you can go."
Vanya stared at him. She cut into the brain and took a big bite.
Thunder boomed. She choked and thunder crashed.
Vanya's mind flashed back to all that had happened to her.
INT. ROOM
"What the hell is happening?" the female interrogator asked as Vanya shuddered violently.
"We've gotta stop her," Gibbs said.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan gasped and groaned.
INT. ROOM
"You're going to have to terminate," the female interrogator told the agent.
"I'm trying! I'm trying!" Gibbs cried trying to turn the machine off.
Vanya let out shuddered cries and electricity crackled.
INT. HALLWAY
A man was working at a desk.
Behind him, energy crackled and a blue light appeared.
"How is she still alive?" Gibbs asked.
INT. ROOM
Vanya let out tortured moans.
"I remember," Vanya stated.
INT. FARMHOUSE
"I remember," Harlan said.
INT. HALLWAY
Energy crackled and thrummed.
INT. ELEVATOR
A rumbling and rattling sounded and the three siblings looked up and around as the elevator creaked.
The wind whistled and the elevator dinged.
The three grunted and gasped.
A man laid on the floor and another man clung to the wall.
A blue surge of light was coming from one end of the hall.
Allison cried out as she made her escape and clung to the overturned desk before using it as shelter. Diego grunted and joined her. Klaus shouted as he darted out, but didn't quite make it. Energy crackled and the song continued. Allison held out her hand to Klaus and he took it. She pulled him close and gasped. Guinevere darted from the elevator and Diego pulled her to safety.
"Question, guys," Klaus said. "Who are we trying to save Vanya from?"
"FBI!" Diego, Guinevere and Allison yelled.
"But if they're all sucking ceiling right now, why haven't they stopped?"
The crackling intensified and thrummed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Harlan's eyes turned white.