Josephine
*content warning: mention of loss and grief. May be sensitive to some readers, proceed with caution*
"We know the Delvant will strike again, we just need to be ready for when they do." I watch as Felix runs his hand through his tousled hair, something he does when he is stressed.
"We will." Val nods, reassuring him.
Lilla was sat to my right on the couch, my hand smoothing her soft hair. We talked to her last night, explaining a little about what was going on. She had a right to know.
"Hey, baby." Felix now crouches down in front of us, setting his hand on Lilla's. He shoots me a quick reassuring glance before he continues. "Mama and I want you to have this," He opens his other hand and shows her the carved switch knife we decided to give to her. This knife was given to him when he became king, It belonged to his grandfather. "Auntie Val is going to show you how to use it. We just want you safe, okay?" He stands up, pressing a kiss to her forehead.
She holds the knife in her tiny hands and my heart breaks a little as she turns it over.
Its for her protection. I remind myself. It's okay.
"What do you think, Angel?" I ask softly as she continues to look at her new gift.
"Its pretty." Her thumb runs over the unique markings on the handle. "Thanks daddy." Her big blue eyes look up to meet his and I watch as his features fall slowly before he forces himself to smile.
"You're welcome, baby." He kisses the hand not holding the knife. "Why don't you go show auntie Val?" A smile spreads on her perfect face and we watch as she hops off the couch and runs across the room to Val. She pulls her out of the room, eager to learn how to use her new gift.
"We need to talk about what happened. Before everything went to hell." I can't help breaking the silence. It was going to happen eventually, and it was going to eat at me until we did.
"I know, " he sighs, eventually meeting my eyes again. "Tonight." He promises me. I nod. He leans over enough to kiss my lips for a moment and then he pulls away. We continue to look at each other, enjoying our presents and the moment of silence before reality sets back in.
I cant help the small smile that spreads across my face at the sight of him.
He's back into my life, I remember our life together before everything.
Lost in my own head, i'm interrupted by Lilla bursting back through the doors.
"Mama, look!" She holds the knife in her small hands, swiftly flicking the blade open in one continuous motion.
I was more than impressed at her new skill, but the smile on her face after she showed me warmed my heart. She was so proud of herself.
"Wow! That was amazing!" I lean forward and scoop her into my arms, praising her while peppering kisses to her face. When she was done sitting with me and wanted to learn more tricks, she left the room leaving Felix and I alone again.
He resumes his spot on the couch next to me, leaning into my side whispering; "We made that."
I can't help the smile taking over my lips.
I remember the moments after Lilla's birth, how excited and proud he was looking down on the small wrinkly baby in his arms. I remember the conversations we had when I first found out I was pregnant, the arguments. He never wanted to be a father. He didn't think he was fit. In reality, he was terrified and didn't know how to take care of someone else like a father would a daughter.
He is the best father to that little girl. His whole life changed the moment he laid eyes on her.
He would die for her.
"Did you ever think she would grow up to be the girl that she is?" I question.
"I had no doubt." He wastes no time in his answer, a certain sternness to his voice. "Your her mother, there was no way she would be anything less than how amazing you are." My stomach twists in knots and I feel my cheeks getting warm. He gives me a small smile before we return back to our previous setting, sitting in silence listening to Lilla and Val playing in the room over.
I have a gift for you, too He pulls out another small pouch from his back pocket and unravels it to reveal two matching knives, like the one he just gave Lilla. Only this time, the two knives formed a small heart in one of the indents when you set them together.
Theyre beautiful, I accept one of the knives from his hold and turn it over in my hands, studying the delicate weapon.
I got them for us before everything happened, His voice goes soft. I thought now would be a good time to give it to you.
Thank you. I give him a small smile, leaning up to meet his eyes. He pushes forward and presses another kiss to my lips, short and tender. A kiss of love, not passion. It was perfect.
After moments in silence, I get up off the couch and head for my room. I'm half surprised he doesn't follow me.
Seeing Lilla grow up, it makes me wonder who Ivy would grow up to be.
Would she be witty, and kind? Like Felix? Would she be compassionate, and trusting? Like me? Or would she even be sassy, and enchanting? Like her big sister.
I will never know, I can only imagine.
Now my memories are back, a lot of the grief and trauma from Ivy is hitting me now. I need to process a lot that I didn't get to do when everything happened years ago.
I shouldn't blame Felix, although I do. It kills me every time I think of it.
I never got to grieve the death of my daughter.
I just remember holding her tiny body in my arms, her eyes closed. She never got to take a breath outside of me, she stopped breathing inside of me. I was told it wasn't my fault, that it was an error in her development. But I can't help but feel responsible. My body was supposed to protect her, and it failed.
I remember the night we had to hand her to the nurse, never to see her again. Felix held me and we sobbed. We stayed curled up in that bed until the sun rose in the morning.
I remember he walked over and opened the window, letting the light in. Its warmth bleeding into my skin, attempting to fill the void that is now missing.
I remember the next day when we returned home to Lilla. I sat in silence as Felix explained to her that her baby sister was not coming home. Silent sobs escaped from my lips with every word. My fingers found her hair twirling it in my fingers. Something I would never do with my Ivy.
She didn't understand, as we suspected she would, questioning where she went and why she didn't want to be part of our family. The innocence in her questions broke my heart into smaller pieces then what already existed.
My eyes burn from the tears building up there, causing me to blink my eyes in response.
I don't want to cry. Crying is a sign of weakness. And I've already cried too much in the last 24 hours than I have in the last 2 years.
The door behind me opens and I hear Felix shuffling into the room. I'm quick to dry my eyes, turning my face away from his gaze.
"You okay?" The bed next to me bends down at his weight, my fragile body bobbling around with every motion. I nod, keeping my face out of his view.
"Hey," He grabs my cheeks pulling my face close to his. "Talk to me."
I can't keep the tears back now, hot tears flooding from my eyes, dripping from my chin with no control. He pulls me to his chest, swiping his thumbs under my swollen eyes collecting the tears before they continue down my face.
"I didn't get to cry for Ivy." I sniffle, words barely slipping from my lips. My voice is hoarse from the sobbing. "Everything happened so quickly, with her and then with the Delvant. I never cried for her."
He continues to hold me, rubbing small circles on my back. We sat there,
"You promised me we would do this together. You promised, why did you make that choice. You left us. How could you?" I know my emotions are getting the best of me, but I cannot help the words spilling out of my mouth. Like am drunk, my filter is long gone as my pent up feelings and anger are finally told.
"I know." He whispers, holding me tighter.
"I never cried for her." my hoarse from all the crying. My eyes could barley withstand their own weight and the fluttered closed. I knew I reached my limit, there was noting more I could do right now.
I just felt guilty. My own daughter died and I never mourned her.
"Jo, baby. It's okay. You can cry now. You can cry with me." When he said that, I lift my head slightly to find his own cheeks, damp with tears. His suffering was silent, I never would have known. "I'm so sorry I took that away from you." He continues to run his hand up and down my back, still holding me close.
I don't know how long we stayed there, sitting together and crying. All I do know that when I had no tears left to cry, I fell asleep.