__________
You set fire to my world,
Couldn't handle the heat.
Now I'm sleeping alone, and I'm starting to freeze.
Baby, come bring me hell,
Let it rain over me,
Baby, come back to me.
__________
*The whole song, basically.*
My heart beats erratically as I sit up in my bed, looking towards the ceiling. My body is sweaty and my breaths are shallow. I am panicking, and the only one who knows about my panic attacks hasn't talked to me in months.
He didn't even see me after I returned.
My sleep was interrupted by a nightmare about Kayden, about how disappointed he was in me because I had betrayed him. He said he wouldn't punish me this time, as he didn't even care anymore. I cried. I groveled at his feet to whip me, hit me; to do anything to erase the disappointment he had in me. He shook his head and locked me in my room, telling me that I would never see his face again.
When I woke up, my lungs contracted. Even now, my breaths are shallow, almost non-existent. My vision blurs and clears, but barely hanging in there. I look towards the digital clock on the corner table, and it shows that it's six in the evening. I took a nap. Kayden's...
Right.
...not here to be angry at me. Tears run down my cheeks as my mind wanders back to my nightmare, and my chest aches even more. I need Kayden. I need someone to comfort me.
I faintly hear a voice in the room, a hand on my hand, an arm around my back. Someone's here.
"Kayden..." I whisper, wrapping my arms around the figure in front of me and closing my blurry eyes. I feel some words barely invading the ringing in my ears, but a hand continues to stroke my back. Slowly, my breaths return, my chest inflating and deflating rhythmically. I open my eyes and see my hands holding onto a ginger-headed boy.
Lee.
"Lee!" I yell, enveloping him tighter. I hear him chuckle, and he wraps his arms around me.
"Era..." he replies, using a name I so desperately hated for myself. He strokes my hair, pulling me tighter against himself. "I'm so sorry, E, I didn't even...I'm sorry," he apologizes and chokes up, making me pull back. His bright blue eyes are welled up with tears, making me frown.
"Why are you sorry?"
"I didn't even know, Sierra. I have been gone to my cousin in London since the day we had that miserable fight. I had a few calls from Caroline, but I didn't even...fuck, I didn't even pick them up because I was angry at you! I so fucking hate myself, I shouldn't have left you that day. I should have gone with you to the club and protected you. You wouldn't have even met that motherfucker if I had been there with you!" Lee yells at the end, making me fiddle with my fingers and breathe heavily.
You made him angry, Sierra.
Don't you see that he's mad because you weren't capable enough to take care of yourself?
Bad girl, Sierra. You are useless.
I am a bad girl.
I am useless, master, I'm sorry.
"E?" A rather loud call interrupts my thoughts, and I shake out of it. I look around and notice that I am on the floor, kneeling with my hands facing upwards on my thighs. I fall back and wrap my arms around my knees, shaking.
I am sorry, master.
I failed you. I disclosed what you did to Oliver.
Tears run down my cheeks as I sob, rocking back and forth.
"Hey, hey, Era...look it's fine, I am here," Lee says, holding my hands. "Feel my hands, Era, feel them. You're not there," he says, unwrapping my hands from my knees and setting them on the floor, "feel the wood on the floor. This is your room. I am in front of you. You're not with him. No one is going to hurt you," he says, and I fall on my back onto the floor.
No.
Kayden's not my master anymore.
I am not useless.
I did not fail.
I tightly grip Oliver's hand, and he coos at me, "That's it, E. Open your eyes, look at me."
I open my eyes and look to see Oliver's freckled face. "Lee," I say, realizing everything at once.
Shit.
I stand up, sitting on the bed. "T-Thank you," I say, nodding.
"You okay?" Lee asks, sitting in front of me.
"Yeah. Just the aftermath of a nightmare," I laugh, and he frowns.
"You know that I did my degree in Psychology, right? That was no nightmare. You were triggered when I raised my voice. I am guessing that the man who held you did a lot more than hurt you once, hmm? And, I'm guessing you know his name...Kayden?"
My eyes widen and my jaw drops.
No, no, no.
"I didn't know his name, Lee," I tell him, calmly.
"Don't lie to me," he says, gently putting his hands on mine. "You whispered his name when I comforted you. You are hiding something. I love you, I get it if you don't want to tell me or Caroline, but the police needs to know. They need it to catch the person who held you. Unless..." He looks at me, and I look downwards on my lap, holding my hands together, "you don't want him caught, do you?"
I dig my nails into the palms of my hands, cutting through the skin. Tears run down my cheeks again, making me sigh in exasperation. I can't get out of this. I had always been an open book to Oliver, but this compromised Kayden, not only me. I need to protect him.
"Please, Lee," I plead, "don't push it. Please." My nails dig deeper, drawing blood. I look down, my body rigid and my breaths stressed.
He unclasps my hands, detaching my fingernails from the bloody moons on my pale skin.
"I'll stop. Don't hurt yourself," he says. I nod vehemently, my lips stretching into a smile.
"Do you think about him?"
"I don't...know, exactly. It's just that I still think that he would pop out of my closet and take me away," I reply.
"It's okay to talk about it. You should know how you feel exactly if not anyone else. Be true to yourself, and maybe you would realize the right way to cope, you know?"
"Don't psychoanalyze me," I attempt to refute, grinning. Lee chuckles, patting my shoulder, "It's kinda my job."
I sigh, "Don't judge me, okay?"
"Never, E," he says, his eyes curious but kind.
"I still think of him," I mutter.
The thoughts of Kayden invade my mind, taking me to a calmer place. I still want him to control what I can do and not do. I want him to take care of me after beating me relentlessly. I want him to remind me where I belong. He broke me when he took me, and now, I belong to him. I want him to make it all right again. Without Kayden, I can't imagine being satisfied. I miss him. I miss him more than I could ever imagine missing anyone.
"He was your captor, E. Of course, you think of him. Just don't miss him," he replies, cracking a grin.
Thank god, Oliver can't read my mind.
Author's Note:
Hey, Oliver.
So, Sierra might be mad at me for pining over her best friend, but girl, I want that boy. Honestly. Before you guys bare your knives, I won't be writing a 'best friends to lovers trope'. I might, however, add a new character as a love interest.
What d'ya say?
Well, then, QOTD: How far do you think Sierra's going to go for her love for Kayden?
And thanks for the vote you just gave.
Oh, you didn't?
Please, do. Thank you.