~{ 9.1 - I must win. }~
I exited Class 2-C's classroom with sweat pooling on my forehead. Those dark eyes devoid of neither hatred or love. Just eyes that stare right through you and into your soul.
If it weren't for the fact that I have seen those eyes before, I would have pissed my pants on the spot once again.
But as the leader of the Student Council, and the most influential person in the school, I must retain my composure and not let myself be shaken by it on the outside.
However on the inside, I can't handle it.
I can't handle the eyes of pity. The eyes of the ones I pass by in the hallways.
The eyes of everyone around me. Eyes that make you feel humiliated and shamed.
The sound of laughters and gossip echo in my mind.
An echo that makes you want to cry. An echo that drowns out your screams for comfort and help.
I couldn't hear anything but their laughter.
It hurts.
The laughter ringing through my ears is giving me a headache. It's defeaning.
The faces of those laughing at me makes me want to gouge my eyes out. It hurts to see.
The mere thought of him makes me want to strangle him to death. I want him out of my life.
...
This is war. Ayanokouji.
I will make you feel defeat. I will defeat you and get my pride and dignity back.
In war, you have to use everything you have.
I'll humiliate you, as you have humiliated me.
No matter what underhanded technique I must use, I will win.
I must win.
If I lose, I'll fall further than what I've been before.
I'll be back at square one, a loser who couldn't do anything.
The higher you go, the harder you fall.
That applies to both you and I, Ayanokouji.
If I fall... If I lose... I will drop to a point lower than ever.
For that reason...
I must win.
~{ 9.2 - Fear }~
"Oi... Ayanokouji... Just what in the hell did you do?" Okitani realized that I set him up.
"Nothing, on the surface at least." I responded.
"H-hey... Tell me... Ayanokouji... What the fuck did you do?!" He yelled.
"What did I do? I said it looks like I did nothing, didn't I?"
"Wait, Nagumo-senpai said something about a post, did he mean the fourms?" Kei catching on to what was happening, redirected Okitani to the fourms.
Okitani in a panic took out his phone and checked the fourms.
His eyes widdened, and his face contorted.
"O-oi... What... What in the fuck?" For a minute, he was in utter shock. "Y-you..." He tried formulating a sentence, but nothing else came out.
The realization started to kick in. He started to realize that I successfully put all of the blame on him, and that there was no way out for him. There was no way to escape punishment.
The rest of the class watched in silence, as Okitani tried to confront me.
Honami stood behind me, with sadness still in her eyes as the lunch she made me was ruined.
Okitani gulped. He opened his mouth. For seconds all there was silence.
After strengthening his will, he finally spoke.
"You bastard! You just used me as a tool!" He yelled.
He rushed at me with the intent to attack.
He threw a punch aimed towards my face.
I turned my body to the side to dodge the punch.
I lightly threw a hook punch to his stomach, making him cough and fall to his knees.
Honami shrieked, letting out a sound much louder compared to any of my other classmates.
She looked at me as if she wanted to say something, but the words didn't leave her mouth.
The rest of the class looked at me in horror, seeing my true nature as a man who is willing to use people as tools for my own benefit.
I looked around the classroom, Airi had a horrified expression, with Haruka at her side, who was just comforting her, but was now in fear. Keisei looked at me with an expression full of anger. But behind that anger was... Pure fear.
Yousuke looked concerned, as if he wanted to stop me, but as his friend, he wanted to at least hear me out first.
Ike, Miyamoto, Ijuin, and the rest of Okitani's friends looked at me in fear.
It was at this moment... The class has become Disillusioned with me.
I was not the perfect leader they were looking for. I was ruthless. I was cold. I used people as tools.
I used them as tools.
They saw that now. They saw that I was willing to use any means to achieve victory. Sacrificing a tool means nothing to me. I will use any, and every tool to help reach my goals.
"Okitani was a traitor. He was promised 75k Private Points every month by Nagumo." I said.
"H-huh? Traitor?" Yousuke got confused.
But in order to not lose complete trust within the class, I must explain what happened.
"Yes. I've told you guys about a traitor during the Sports Festival, Okitani betrayed the class and leaked the participation table." In order to get as much trust as possible, I must mix in some truths and lies, "But the reason the participation table was changed on the day of, was because the original was a fake. Okitani leaked a fake table, and I caught him leaking it. I turned him into... Well, a tool."
"So Ayanokouji-kun worked behind the scenes once again..." Someone muttered.
"B-but Kiyotaka-kun, isn't calling someone a tool wrong?" Yousuke said.
"It's much like how Horikita refers to her friends as allies instead of friends. I might call him a tool, but to you, it might be called a loyal follower." I said. Well, only loyal because he has to be loyal.
"I-I think it's Okitani's fault for betraying the class, right guys?" Ike tried speaking up, "I-I mean, Ayanokouji has brought us this far, and blackmailing him kept him in check, and protected the class further." I am proud of Ike. What unexpected character development.
"I-I agree with Kanji-kun." Shinohara spoke up.
"B-but Kiyotaka-kun, t-this is... You know..." Yousuke spoke up again.
Yousuke used to control the class in middle school using fear mongering. What I am essentially doing is fear mongering, and he does not want to see his friend follow down the same path that he did. He didn't want to see his friend have the same regrets as him.
But there is one thing that seperates the two of us, Yousuke.
I don't have the heart to care.
I may have people I care about. But in the end, if it means for protecting my freedom, I will not hesitate to take away theirs.
The ends justify the means. Everything I do is to achieve a single result. The result of freedom. I do not care about how any of you feel about being used.
My victory is the only thing that matters.
~{ 9.3 - Advice }~
It's been a month since Kiyotaka posted the picture. I was honestly a bit mad that Kiyotaka, umm, sacrificed Okitani like that. The school launched an investigation on Kiyotaka and Okitani, but came to the conclusion that Kiyotaka was innocent.
Okitani was suspended from school for a week for "bullying" the President.
Since he had power, he was able to suspend him under the excuse of being bullied, but he had to follow school rules and could only suspend him for a week.
I want to talk to Kiyotaka about his methods, as he needs to stop using people like that.
But, right now, I have a much more important matter.
It's currently the 15th of October, and Kiyotaka's birthday is in five days, and I still haven't been able to pick out a present for him!
I've already made a list of things that Kiyotaka might like. It ranged from simple things such as books to a watch.
I even considered wrapping a ribbon around myself and saying I am his present!
I don't even know what types of things he would appreciate! After all, it's impossible to see through his poker face!
D-do I really know my boyfriend this little? I mean, I guess I know more than anyone else since I know of the White Room, but I just realized I don't know much about him!
"So, Ichinose-san, what did you need me for?" She called out to me.
"U-um! G-good afternoon Karuizawa-san!" I greeted her.
"So? What did you need?" She asked.
"U-uh... T-this is going to sound pretty dumb..."
"What is?"
"Umm... I... I uh..."
"Take your time." She said.
"I don't know what to get Kiyotaka for his birthday!" I said.
"... Pfft." She tried to contain her laughter.
"E-eh?"
"Hahaha! Sorry, sorry! I just didn't expect this!" She said while laughing.
"Um..."
"So you want my help choosing a present for him?" She asked.
"Umm... Yeah." I replied.
"Hm... Well Kiyotaka is very mysterious even to me, but I think I have an understanding of what he's like." She stated.
"So what do you think he would like?"
"Um... I think he might have a thigh fetish?" She said.
Huh? Thigh fetish?
E-eh?
Wait... On the cruise last year, when I slept on the ground, i-is it possible he was looking at my thighs? W-what about this year on the waterslide? W-would he like it if I gave him a lap pillow?
"Ichinose-san... Are you thinking of giving him a lap pillow?" She said while tilting her head a bit.
"E-eh?! Um! No!"
She stared at me, as if she was suspicious of me. Which she is right to do so. After a couple seconds, it seems she decided to move on.
"Well, I'm getting a present for him myself, from me. I suggest that you do the same." She said before taking a sip of her coffee.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Get what you want to get him, y'know? The present has to come from you and you only."
"I understand that... But how will you know if he will like it or not?" I asked.
"That... I'm not sure myself. You can't know for sure if the other person will like the present or not. All you can do is hope for the best. Not even Kiyotaka, who can see through almost anyone, knows if they like the present or not."
"... It sounds like you are speaking from experience." I muttered.
"Mouuu... Kiyotaka thought it would be a good idea to give me a heart shaped necklace for my birthday." Jeez, now I'm jealous. "Of course, I did like the present, but he doesn't know that."
"Oh... So should I just get him whatever my heart tells me too, even if he doesn't like it?" I asked.
"Yeah! Don't be scared if he doesn't like it, it's the love that you give him that does matter." She said.
"Oh okay! I think I know what I want to do now!" I yelled.
"Ichinose-san, I'm trusting you okay?" She said.
"Eh? With what?" I asked.
"... You know."
"... So you know, huh?"
"I think I understand Kiyotaka a lot. Well, not a lot, but more than others. I know how he acts, and I know how he feels at times. Sometimes we are able to communicate through eye contact." She said.
"... You guys are that close?"
"Yeah, we're partners, after all." She said.
"Eh? Partners?"
"Ahh, sorry, didn't mean it like that. I'm kind of like his sidekick, I guess." She said, then proceeds to let out a small laugh. "Anyways, I have never seen Kiyotaka have any love in his eyes. Sorry if this sounds weird but..." She seemed a bit nervous to say what she wanted.
"Go ahead." I gave her the signal to talk.
"It's a shame that Kiyotaka didn't choose me as a book for love, but if anything, I think you are a good choice for making him feel love." She said.
"... Do you also love him, Karuizawa-san?" I asked.
"... Yeah, there's no way I couldn't fall in love with him. But, I trust Kiyotaka's decision. His decision to make you his book of love."
"Don't worry, Karuizawa-san. I'll definetly make him feel love." I said with confidence.
I intend to try my best to make Kiyotaka have a day he will remember for a long time. By spending a precious day with the ones you hold precious to you, will be etched into one's memory.
"Ah, by the way, I want to hold a birthday party for Kiyotaka, would you like to help me plan it?"
"A party? Yeah, sure! I'm down for that!" She replied.
~{ 9.4 - Party }~
Honami told me to meet me at the karoke room for an unknown reason.
I am currently walking to Room 4, where she told me to go to.
I'm not sure why she suddenly called me out to karoke, when I can't even sing.
I knocked on the door, which I was then let in by Honami.
When I stepped inside, there was a group of people who were awaiting my arrival.
"Happy Birthday, Ayanokouji-kun!" They yelled.
Oh. Right. It's my birthday. I forgot.
In the room was Kei, Hiyori, Yousuke and Akito.
Along with Honami, I consider them the people closest to me.
"Uh... Thanks, I guess." I said.
"Okay! Lets get this party started!" Kei yelled.
Kei stood up and grabbed the microphone. She started singing "Baka Mitai" which is a popular song on the internet.
She seemed to be enjoying herself, as her smile was wide and seemed to be genuine.
Hiyori and Yousuke were sitting down while watching Kei with a warm smile on her face.
Akito was eating nachos. While usually he would have a bored expression on his face, he was smiling a bit at this moment.
Honami sat down beside me and she wore the warmest and pure smile you would encounter in your entire lifespan.
It even affected me a bit, I couldn't help but be facsinated by how happy she seemed to be.
While the rest are enjoying themselves through entertainment, it seems that she's just purely happy by the fact that it's my birthday.
After a bit, she stopped smiling and showed an expression of confusion.
"Umm... Kiyotaka, why are you looking at me like that?" Oh, looks like I was staring at her too long.
"No, you just looked happy, sorry if it made you uncomfortable." I said.
"Ehehe... Of course, it's your birthday, why wouldn't I be happy?"
"I see."
We were then approached by Hiyori, who was silent the whole time.
"Sorry to bother you, Ayanokouji-kun, Ichinose-san." She said while sitting down beside me.
"Ah, not a problem Shiina-san. What is it?"
"Um... I've never been to karaoke before and I don't know how to sing... Is it okay if I don't participate?"
"Ah! That's totally fine! Are you okay with just watching though?" Honami asked.
"Yes I'll be fine, I'm having fun watching already." She responded.
Kei finished singing and walked over to us.
"Are you three going to sing?" She asked.
"Ahah, um, Shiina-san isn't going to sing, but he will." Eh?
Honami had a mischievous grin on her face.
Bruh.
"Okay! Kiyotaka, lets sing!" Kei grabbed my by the arm and dragged me up to the front.
In the end, I was forced to sing Unravel. Kei said that it fits me because I'm edgy or something.
While I could sing due to the White Room teaching it as a hobby, it would be weird if I went out of monotone and might end up scaring everyone in the room.
So I just read the lyrics in a monotone voice.
"Pfft, Kiyotaka, that's just reading the lyrics idiot!" Kei started laughing.
Yeah, that's what I was going for, Kei.
Akito, Honami, and Hiyori were laughing lightly. Hell, even Yousuke was laughing.
After everyone went to sing, Honami went up to the door.
"Ah! The cake is here!" She said. She put the cake on the table, "I got ice cream cake because Kiyotaka loves ice cream."
I didn't even know ice cream cake existed. That's cool.
~{ 9.5 - To Become Someone Precious }~
I don't think I succeeded in making this a day Kiyotaka felt happy. He looks the same as always.
Throughout the entire day, his face remained unchanged.
I wanted Kiyotaka to have a day with the ones he holds dear to him. A day where he can embrace the joy and bliss of those he holds precious to himself.
I have no doubt that Kiyotaka cares about some people. I have no doubt he considers some people as friends.
But what I think is lacking is... He lacks someone he holds precious to himself.
He cares for people, he would be willing to help out his friends. But that doesn't mean they are precious to him. He wouldn't cherish them. He can find trust, bonds, and friendship within all of the ones he cares for. But it's because of that, that he does not have someone he hold precious to him.
He doesn't have a person, who can provide something that only that person can provide.
He doesn't have an irreplaceable exsistence in his heart.
Everyone he cares for, they all provide him with things that almost anyone can give him.
In order to become someone precious to him, I have to give him something that only I can give.
But there is nothing that I could give to him, other than my love for him.
I can't think of anything to give to him, other than that.
I'm the same as everyone else.
I am a human, just as everyone else is a human.
Even the most powerful human in exsistence will have their limits.
Just as I myself have my own.
If one person can provide something, who is to say that nobody else can?
That is why that the most unique thing about myself, that differentiates myself from others, is my love for Kiyotaka.
But again, who is to say that nobody else can? Karuizawa-san could also provide him love.
However, in the end, I will embrace it as the optimal thing I can give to Kiyotaka.
I made up my mind... Today... I will provide him with my love, in order to become someone precious.
"Hey Kiyotaka..." I called out to him.
"Hm? What is it Honami?" He said while putting the presents he got in his bag.
"Um, can you come with me to my room?" I asked.
~{ 9.6 - Warmth }~
Birthdays. Celebrated on the day that a person was born on. A day celebrating growing one year older, a year older than the previous year. A day where we look back on our past, a day where we look at the life we experienced thus far.
To others, it is a day of joy and bliss. A day where they celebrate with their loved ones, a day where they congratulate themselves for living yet another year.
But to a person who's past was robbed from them, and to a person who's memories are simply white, it would not be a day of celebration. It would just be yet another day of exsisting. Today was another one of those days.
The past is filled with white, a white canvas left untouched. The future is a white canvas, waiting to be painted. This present, is a canvas filled with shades.
Shades that I never would've imagined in my life before. But it's only just that. The canvas that I exist on is nothing but shades of grey. Shades that are waiting to be saturated, so that they can become colorful.
"Um... Please come in now." She greeted me.
Standing at the doorway of the doorway was none other than my girlfriend, Ichinose Honami.
A girl who loves me more than anything. A girl who's canvas is colored brightly with red.
I walked inside and closed the door behind me.
"So, why did you want me to accompany you to your room?" I asked.
"I, umm, I didn't want to say it at the party because that would've been a bit embarrasing for me to say this, but..."
She took her hands out from behind, and put out a rectangular box in front of me, as if telling me to take it.
"Umm... Please open it first..."
I took the box from her hands, and started unwrapping it.
Inside, was a pretty big book.
"A book?" I muttered.
"Um, look at the contents."
I started looking through the book, and noticed it was blank, but had spaces for pictures in it.
Oh, it's one of those photo albums.
"A photo album?" I asked.
"Um... Do you not like it?" She said with a worried face.
"That's not it, but what is it for?" I asked.
"... I want you to make memories. I want you to have photos to keep as memories." She said in a low voice.
"Memories? But I already have good memory." I said.
"I know that, but it would be nice to have something physical that you can have. But more importantly..." She paused for a second.
I waited patiently for her to finish her sentence.
"I-I want to have memories with you too! I want the memories of us in here! I want something that I could look on in the future, reminding me, and reminding you, of all the time we spent together! I-I know you don't love me yet, but even if it only matters to me... I want to cherish these memories with you!"
She certainly couldn't have said this at the party, it probably would've embarassed her, and not to mention that only she and I knows that I don't love her. But, in the chance where the fortune teller somehow predicted the future...
"I have confidence that you can make me feel love, so, let us cherish these memories together. I may not cherish them now, but I can't say the same about myself in the future. I am sure that one day, we can look back on our past together, and cherish those memories."
"U-um, I'm glad you feel that way, and I hope the future you likes the present!" She said.
"Is that all for today?" I asked her.
"N-no, that's not all." She said averting her eyes and slightly blushing.
"So what do you need?" I asked.
"C-come over here Kiyotaka." She sat down on the bed and patted her hand beside her, signaling for me to sit down beside her.
"What is this about?" I asked.
"Just sit over here..." She said.
Reluctantly, I sat down beside her.
She then pulled my head onto her lap.
"Uh, Honami?"
"Um... J-just stay here for a bit..." She said.
Don't mind if I do.
She stroked my hair, back and forward. She continued for several minutes.
My eyes began to close, as I found myself in a trance. The fatigue catches up to me, as I found myself comfortable on her soft thighs.
Her hand then found itself underneath my head.
She stopped moving her hand, as if she was contemplating a decision.
Then, after a second, her hands started to move.
As I feel my head slowly being lifted up by the touch of her soft hands, I anticipated myself. As I feel the warmth of her breath softly touching my face, I tensed up.
My lips are brought together with an unknown touch. An unknown touch of warmth.
This warmth, producing an intense feeling of euphoria. A feeling of affection, the need to bond with one another. No, that's not it.
What I was feeling could not be described simply, I couldn't describe in detail what I was feeling.
As the leaves fall from the trees, and as the air thins and gets colder, the fall is close to reaching its climax. If the spring represents the start of a new life, and the summer represents our youth, the fall must represent us growing up, and becoming more mature.
The canvas filled with unsaturated colors, a canvas of grey, at that moment, at the moment where I felt that warmth, has been stained by a drop of red.