About two months had passed since our movie evening together, which ended in us falling asleep snuggled together on the sofa. Two months in which we got really close. We had spent a lot of time together and of course there came a moment when the question arose whether we were a steady couple or not.
We already acted like one. The little loving approaches, kisses and caresses. The night-long conversations about profound topics, life, the future.
I knew Harry wanted children. Two. A little girl and a boy. I knew he wanted to move to a farm, maybe even abroad. I knew that Switzerland impressed him, the landscape, the Alps. He longed for this peaceful freedom.
I remembered vividly how we had spun these thoughts together. How we had once again sat together on the roof, wrapped tightly in my duvet, the night starry. I remembered ruining the moment by bringing up the bitter reality.
I wish I could make it all come true for us. But you know that you can never experience that with me, Hazza?
-life is cruel Loubear. Destiny is a fucking destroyer.
What are we Harry? I remembered asking this question before
-Boyfriends? I heard his questioning voice still in my mind.
In retrospect, more, bigger words would have been needed in this so important, tiny moment, but it was only a nod of affirmation.
The day ended with us both sitting on the roof sobbing. Trying to understand, but not accept, the injustice of life.
In the days around this event, I decided to officially tell my family about our relationship. Associated with this was inevitably a coming out, which somehow scared me, but Harry took my fear away and, in the end, it was less spectacular than I had imagined. As it turned out, both Mark and my siblings had been waiting for it from the start.
Mark actually seemed to take a load off his heart when he heard that I had finally, officially found someone and so it came about that Harry was invited straight away to go on vacation with us.
The night before leaving for our holiday-trip, I felt empty and alone. I was cold because there was no one there to snuggle up to and no one whose quiet breathing made me feel secure and let me drift off gently into restful sleep.
Harry slept at home because he still had a few things to pack. It was the first night in a long time that we weren't lying in one bed together.
I felt myself drifting away every now and then, but after ten minutes I was completely awake again. I would probably have sold my soul to feel Harry's warm body next to me right then.
Outside the first birds chirped and the morning sun dawned between the roofs of the two houses, of which I had a good view, as one of my room windows was reflected in the large mirror on my wardrobe.
I decided that there was no point in trying to fall asleep anymore, so I got up.
The silence in the whole house was outlandish. I grabbed my cell phone and padded down the stairs into the kitchen to brew myself a coffee to somehow get along with myself.
I opened the kitchen window wide and sat on the windowsill, in my left hand the cup of steaming coffee, in the right my phone.
I was delighted to find that I had received a message.
Hey love, I can't sleep, just wanted to say that I miss you and look forward to seeing you later. Love you. -H
He had written the message an hour ago. I didn't want to wake him if he somehow fell asleep, but I had the feeling that it he wasn't, which is why I hesitantly called him.
"Loubear? Already awake honey?" I heard his rough morning voice, which once again made goose bumps run down my upper arms.
"Yeah, obviously, I couldn't sleep either." I giggled.
"What do you think if I pick you up and we go for a walk, Lou?"
"Now?"
He snickered "Yes, now. Right now. Where everyone is still sleeping and we have our peace and quiet."
I nodded, because I forgot for a moment that hecouldn't see me at all. "Yeah...okay." "Gonnabe there in five."
Then he hung up.
I slowly let my cell phone drop from my ear. How much I loved this boy.
Dreamily I looked at the coffee machine and watched with my eyes how a residue of liquid dripped down at regular intervals. Completely absorbed in my business, I felt someone poke my back with a forefinger at drop number thirty-two.
An unmanly high-pitched scream escaped my throat and I directly covered my mouth with my hands
"Do you want to kill me?" I asked, barely audible, and still recovering from the shock.
"Sorry sugar, I couldn't resist." He pulled up the right corner of his mouth and produced a cheeky grin.
His hands were on my hips and he indicated with a slight pressure that he wanted to lift me out of the window. I put the cup down and let myself fall back into his arms.
When my feet touched the ground, he turned me around in a flowing motion and leaned down a little to kiss me in greeting
I was like liquid metal in his hands, he could have gotten me into any shape imaginable.
"You should wear the pants more often; they look great on you."
I let air through my compressed lips. "You nutcase."
The pants I was wearing were old gray joggers. Sorted away to be pyjama bottoms.
"No, for real. Look at yourself... However. do I get a coffee too?" Since Harry was more or less a permanent part of the family, he also drank coffee. Anne was initially very astonished, then overjoyed, had always put a cup down for her son and then found out that Harry only drank coffee at ours.
"Then you will have to lift me back into the house first." I pronounced the obvious fact.
"Then not." The curly-haired mumbled, as if he hadn't known any better before.
"Come on, let's visit Jay." He winked at me and grabbed my hand. I liked that he made visits to my mother's grave so part of everyday life. Ever since Harry and I were a couple, there were always fresh flowers there.
"I mean, we can't just go on vacation without saying goodbye."
"I love you, Harry."
"I love you too Loubear."
When we walked back home down the straight road, it was already completely light outside. From a distance I saw Mark packing the car with the suitcases and Lottie talking to Mason in front of the front door.
"Where were you two? I already thought you had run away from us"
Harry greeted Mark with a handshake and waved a full bag of bread rolls.
"Get food for the road." My boyfriend replied and handed Mark the bag we had bought on the way back from the cemetery.
"Very good guys. We can actually go straight away. Harry, your mother brought your luggage around earlier. She would have liked to say goodbye in person, but couldn't wait because Trinity was still asleep and Gemma has to go to work at eight. She wishes you have a lot of fun and you should call her."
Harry and I sat down in the back row of the car and when everyone had found a place, we set off in direction of Italy.
I smiled lovingly at Harry as he grabbed my hand possessively. I gently stroked the back of his hand with my thumb when I noticed how after a few kilometres his head sank slowly onto my shoulder. I carefully loosened my finger from his grip and instead put an arm around him to prevent him from falling over and waking up on bumps in the road.
I absently stroked his curly hair, while tiredness overcame me too, I snuggled a little closer to him and was finally able to fall asleep