"It'll be okay." whispered Mei lovingly. I push her away, Mei looks at me as if she's surprised. What can I say or do for her to forgive me?
"Are you okay?" I ask shamefully, taking in her disheveled appearance.
Mei's lips quirk up and in those few seconds, i start feeling like it'll be okay. Before her grin drops and i begin to wonder if the smile was genuine or not.
"You're the one who's crying." scoffed Mei, crossing her arms. Here she was, comforting me while I was the one who messed everything up.
She really is a divine being.
"Sorry." I apologize, wiping my tears with my sleeves. "I'm sorry." embarrassed I let her see me like this.
"Stop that." she demanded
"Hm?"
"Apologizing, you haven't done-" started Mei before taking in a sharp breath, realizing her words were lies. A sigh escapes my lips, I fucked it up again. I want to promise her that it won't ever happen again. But we both know that's a lie.
I can't do this
"Maybe you should leave." I spoke softly.
Her lips part in surprise before they turn downwards. And I watch as her eyes begin to water, blending with her previous tears.
"Don't do this." she begged, grabbing ahold of my hand. But i can't make her go through this, over and over again. And I know this might be her breaking point, it is for me but it's for the best. I'm sure she's strong enough, I know she is. She has to be or else I don't know If I can continue.
"Mei, we've broken up." I force the words out, my mouth goes dry as soon as they escape my lips.
"No." She cut me off.
Her brows had furrowed in frustration, a frown resting on her face. I tense anxiously, my heart in my mouth.
"What?" I asked.
"We didn't break up."
Water, I want water.
I'm trying not to think anymore.
"Mei, you broke up with me. Yo-"
"No!" She gasped out.
I sighed. "You did."
"You didn't agree to it, you just told me to leave." insisted Mei as if it'd make it any better.
She looked at me, wanting a response. What am I supposed to say to that? My eyes searched for the answer in her face but to no avail.
"Okay." I replied, waiting for an explanation.
"We haven't broken up, Corpse." she stated "We haven't." she repeated before taking my hand in hers. I let her inter-whine our fingers silently. My eyes followed her.
"I love you." she confessed. A familiar, warm feeling threatened to resurface. But I pushed it down harshly.
"I love you too." I reply, and she smiles. Knowing my words weren't lies but I can tell she isn't so sure anymore. Her smiles falters slightly but she keeps it on nevertheless.
"Then whats the problem?" she asked.
"I am, I'm not good enough." I admitted.
Soft sounds of raindrops tapping against the windows set in motion. She winced at my words before speaking "Corpse, you are." she reassured me, squeezing my hand.
I squeezed back. "You'll be better off." before forcing myself to let go of her slender fingers.
"I won't." she shook her head, trying to grab my hand again but i pull away. Rising up from off of the sofa, turning away so my back is facing her.
"You blocked me on everything, I tried contacting you... everywhere. Corpse, don't you get it?" her eyes started to blur, her voice hoarse.
I didn't move a muscle — I couldn't.
"Everywhere I went, my eyes searched for you. And it's been an entire month but i can't stop thinking of you. Day and night you're all i think about, i can't do the things i normally do because i'm stuck up on you, fucking you." She sounds angry now.
"Mei-" I started, turning back to face her. I catch sight of her teary face. And it's so horrible, it makes me want to disappear. What I would do to stop those tears running down her face, she was beautiful. It hurts, seeing her like this hurts so fucking bad.
"Corpse, without you I'm nothing." Mei chokes out, her narrowed eyes relaxed slightly, replaced with hurt."Don't leave me again, please." she begged. I shudder at her words and it makes me rethink.
Why am I doing this to us?
I hurt her, I stabbed myself and I killed us.
And in doing so, there is no longer an us.
I'm being dramatic, aren't i? — I am.
But she'll thank me for this, right? Saving her from even more pain. Or maybe she'll despise me, and i'll be passed off as one of her bad ex's.
Just like Reed.
And perhaps I'll see her again, approach her while she's on a date with another. We'll talk as if we hate one another, then never speak again.
Or maybe she'll ignore me.
But what did I want? — I knew what I wanted.
I just couldn't have it.
I want her to whisper my name again. Her hand in mine, her skin against mine, her lips grazing mine.
Mine.
All mine.
I wanted her but that'd be selfish of me, wouldn't it?
I'll lock myself in my house just like i've been doing before. And I will never speak to a single soul, ever again.
I probably will — talk to people I mean.
I just can't stop lying, can't i?
But not people who i'm able to touch. But ones behind screens, my kind of people. The same way I met Mei and that's how we should've stayed.
Behind screens.
But curiosity killed the cat and i'm on my death bed.
And once I do pass, no one will cry. It's not like I have anyone else. They'll just assume I quit, Mei will forget about me and she'll finally be happy. Maybe I'll haunt house from house just for the fuck of it. I've always been fascinated by ghosts anyways, who says death has to be gloomy?
Who says death is bad?
Maybe i'll even visit Mei here and there as a wraith. Everything will be perfect once I'm gone. I wonder if i'll be happy as well.
I'm dragging Mei down with me.
I'm sick of that, I can't do that anymore.
Not to you
I won't
"Thank you for everything, Mei."
And I should be relieved when she turns away. Rushing outside without letting a single word slip from her mouth, tears streaming down her face but I'm not.
It went the way I wanted it to, didn't it?
But why am I not happy? — Relieved?
No, why instead of a joyous feeling in my chest, it feels as if thousands of knives have been lunged into my heart.