"I don't deserve it, I know I don't deserve it
But stay with me a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it
Can't you forgive me? At least just temporarily
I know that this is my fault, I should have been more careful"
One Last Time – Ariana Grande
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Do you know which one is the worst type of disappointment? The worst type of disappointment is the one that comes the closest to your goal. That moment when every fiber of your body is filled with the most hopeful feeling you've ever had in your life, when you believe a 100% percent that you'll be free in no time, and all your previous problems will be finally gone. Then all that excitement you've built in that really slow process is taken away from you, ripped out of your hands, or in most of the times, your heart. It was like a new part of it, beating at the rhythm of the muscle, stitched to it, and suddenly it's all gone. You feel empty again, and with the emptiness comes the depression, dark thoughts, self-hate. Because you ask yourself, how I could be so stupid to believe I was gonna make it!? How naïve, silly, idiot I could be!? So that's how those negative feelings have the necessity to fill the void. And that's how the worst type of disappointment is.
Thomas was used to think that the worst disease ever was the one that attacked the brain, but not physically like the Flare, it more attacked the mind. It infected your thoughts, replacing them with no very pleasant ones, at all. It stole all your will to move, get out of bed, and even live. So it left you all half dead, like a walking corpse, and damn it was hard to come back.
It felt like Newt's job. He felt bad for letting the blond pick up his pieces. He made it through with him, but now he wasn't there anymore, and he was all alone again.
Literally the worst disease.
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The days were back to repeating themselves. Wake up, think of Newt, barely eat breakfast, imagine what it feels to be out, blood samples, think of Newt, shucking simulations, wonder what his friends were doing, Randall's mocking, barely eat dinner, fall asleep, nightmares about the simulations, think of Newt again. Don't have any sleep.
A living hell.
Randall liked to make reminders about that. Constantly babbling about the perfect like he's going to have once they achieve their so beloved vaccine, once they kill him completely. Thomas had stopped snapping back a while ago, they made sure he didn't do that again with the beauty of a black eye and split lip. The bruises on his skin eventually faded again, but the ones in his heart remained forever, shrinking the organ in the most painful way little by little.
"Having a nice day?" The ugly face of Randall appeared next to his recovery room after another torturous simulation, "You know, I missed you lots. Not having you here, you are our special guest after all.
Thomas didn't answer.
"A man of words I see"
His blood boiled with that fucking smirk.
"You know we're close, and after we make it, we'll get the hell out of here. Maybe in a future we'll give the stupid right arm a lesson. You know, once we restore a couple of things" Randall spoke with that warning form of words.
Thomas clenched his teeth.
"Of course I doubt you'll have a part on this delightful plan. Most of the people here doesn't think you deserve it. After all, you managed to blow a whole city"
"That wasn't me"
"Wasn't it?"
"No"
"Let me refresh your memory, okay? You and your stupid impulsive behavior have always put someone in danger, better said 3ft underground," Randall seemed to enjoy the moment he looked down to avoid tears, "Oh believe me I know a lot of things. Names like Winston, Chuck, Teresa... Even Newt. All killed by your impulsive actions and stupid pride. Or you'll tell me otherwise? After watching you for a long time since you were kid, I saw you growing up to be a leader... Not a good one let me clear out. So with that experience you learn who are the ones you can leave alone and who are the ones that need a little bit of, how to say it... discipline."
Thomas felt something tight on his chest, clinging onto his lungs like a deadly disease. Those words hurt, in the worst places imaginable, those which he believed he had accepted a long ago. The pain was worse than a thousand of stab wounds, or bullet wounds, or bruises. It was the kind of pain that couldn't be cured with medicine. The kind of pain not so many people survived.
"Shut up, please"
He found himself pleading, he had never felt so fucking small in his life, not before WCKD. He didn't like the feeling of weakness, he had always wanted to show himself strong, so the other ones could have the right to feel down once in a while. But he couldn't, he mustn't felt that way, because he was a leader. Although now, he didn't felt a leader at all.
"Don't worry I will for the day. We're over"
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Thomas found himself in his room, but no tears were falling this time. He had this numbing feeling, as if he didn't feel nothing at all. No emotions. As he was thinking of doing something that probably was going to get him into trouble.
Because fuck it, you know? He had already been told every shit possible in the world. So he felt immune to it. There was nothing left for him. No rescue, no hope, and no happy ending. So he was going to give that to himself.
He stared at his body in front of the distorted reflection. Because there was another broken mirror, another set of bloody knuckles, and a new piece of glass he couldn't bring himself to use. The story of his current messed life.
The change of guards was at 6pm, right on dinner time. He was waiting for the tray to appear under his door. He had five minutes to use the key card on his nightstand, the one he stole from the man who delivered him back to his room. The room didn't have a scanner on the inside, but the door had a small space so the guards could see him, big enough to pass an arm. And if he got caught, then it was okay. He didn't care anymore. He had a goal.
After what seemed like lifetime, the small food-lidded tray was finally dragged into his room, and he grabbed as if nothing was happening. Then, he waited about thirty seconds, until he heard the sound of footsteps furthering and jumped into action.
The first thing he did, was pass his arm through the tiny door, it was uncomfortable, but manageable. It took only ten seconds for the scanner to beep signing it was unlocked. He opened the door and just ran.
He ran through the cold grey corridors, not caring about anything. He enjoyed every second of freedom he had, as his socked feet didn't make a sound as they stepped on the floor. He turned right, then left, another left, and continued straight forwards through a long hallway. Where the familiar small door was.
Far away, he heard an alarm going off, and the lights turning red. They had already known he was missing, even though he closed the door so it wouldn't be suspicious. There was not coming back now.
Once he was outside the building through the small door, instead of taking the long stair he and Newt had taken that night, he continued straight towards the dark forest, deep inside of it. There were branches, rocks, among other things, burying in the sole of his feet, but again, he didn't care either.
He only heard his own heavy breathing, and his footsteps. He tried so hard not to focus on the sounds behind him of people looking for him. He wanted to reach somewhere. Somewhere far away from WCKD. He didn't even know if this was the right way, but he was willed to try it.
The path was endless, and the dark wood and the mix of orange and green leaves didn't seem to stop. It was cold outside, and if he wasn't running he would be sure shivering. He should've brought a jacket or something.
There was a moment when he couldn't continue running. He missed those old days at the Glade, where he used to run the maze with Minho. He wasn't currently fit. He was skinny, pale, and not provided with the necessary amount of blood. But the adrenaline was keeping his pace. If it wasn't for that, he would've already collapsed on the dirt and grass.
But he didn't. Because if this was going to be his last feeling of freedom, then he was going to take advantage of everything %100.
Far away, he could see the forest clearing, and a couple of streetlights made their way into the view. It was the community, the one he had seen from WCKD's roof. He had a little bit of curiosity about it, so he decided to continue in that direction. He was sure there must be a gate or something in that side of the walls. An exit way, to the outside world.
The running steps behind him were louder now, and it made him a little uneasy. He was scared of what they would do to him if they found him at this point, in the brick of liberty. He wasn't going to get out of this.
He thought of Newt, that maybe he was betraying him by making this act alone. Newt, who he hadn't seen in a long time, and who he missed. He wondered what it would be of his life if they found his corpse right in this small community. He would've had peace, but, would've Newt?
His chest now made erratic movement along with wheezing sounds as he panted. His head was beginning to hurt and it sent dizzy spells to the rest of his body. He wanted to lay down behind one of these dark oak trees, curl up in a ball of frail limbs and sleep, or maybe cry.
So he did that. He waited for the guards to pass his spot, as he laid there, cold, alone and miserable. In a moment he closed his eyes and let the freezing wind to take him far away, or to just kill him from hypothermia. It was like a dream, for a long time he wished to have this moment of peace with himself. Surrounded by nature in its full expression. Healthy nature, not the burned shit that traveled the rest of the world.
His head was worse now, pounding inside his skull. He made every effort not to think about it. He wanted to sleep, nothing else. The noises of the guards were masked by the noises around him: the leaves moving, a couple of owls, crunched branches, his uneven breathing. He closed his eyes for a moment, holding onto the back of his head as it continued to throb. And his body relaxed.
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He didn't know how much time he was like that, but when he woke up everything was a blur. He hadn't even realized he blacked out in the first place, but now his joints were sore and his long sleeved white tee shirt seemed covered in something that felt like cold sweat. He wondered if he had another episode there, but he was too confused to even think about it. So he sat up slowly rubbing his temples to clear his foggy mind.
The guards seemed to be gone, which was weird. They should've found him by now. He touched the back of his neck to feel the bulging scar from when they inserted that annoying tracker. He wasn't supposed to be free still.
The truth was, that he didn't know what to do now. He hadn't expected to make it this far and now he ran out of ideas. He didn't have any motivation, willpower or energy left. If it was for him, he would lay back down and continue to sleep. But it was never about him, they had stolen that right a long time ago.
He somehow managed to stand on his feet, holding onto the tree as a wave of nausea made him wobble. Once it was safe, he began to walk towards his previous destination, the streetlights. Now that he wasn't being chased anymore, he took a look at his surroundings, because they were literally beautiful. He walked clenching his teeth as he shivered because of the freezing weather. If he lived, he would surely catch a cold the next morning.
He reached the edge of the forest in what seemed forever. Unfortunately, from that spot there wasn't too much to see, just the back of what seemed a cottage. The light came from a lantern hanging from the wall.
Although, it didn't matter to him, it still brought that amazed feeling to his chest. As if he was discovering something new. It brought memories from the Safe Haven, where the cabins were one beside the other, and there was actual vegetation. As he put a foot on the dirt street, he made sure he walked with caution, even though it was the middle of the night and the people must be asleep.
This community was nothing like The Last City. There weren't any buildings or full futurist technology. It was actually funny to think this was WCKD's. It was more like the beach or the Glade, where they produced their own food and they didn't have any cars or vehicles of any type. It was sane.
He looked at the sky and saw millions of bright stars decorating the dark, and the moon was there too. It was like a painting painted by the most talented artist, and his eyes couldn't believe what they were seeing. Suddenly, he felt something hitting his ankle intermittently and he looked down.
"Oh, where did you come from?"
He whispered amazed. Right there next to his bare foot, was a dog, no, a puppy. It was a dark brown puppy, super tiny and super cute. He laughed as the pup wagged its tail indicating happiness. He felt ashamed that he actually wanted to cry at the sight. He hadn't seen a puppy before, sure he knew what a puppy was, but he had never touched one or met one in person.
He crouched down placing one knee on the ground, not caring about getting his trousers dirty, and grinned when the puppy raised on two legs, placing its two front paws on his thigh. The animal began to lick his face nonstop and it couldn't stop a tear coming out, immediately licked away by the tiny rosy tongue.
"Wow, easy there buddy" He laughed rubbing the dogs back affectively as its tail continued shaking. He wanted nothing more than drop to the floor and let the puppy consume him with love. It was too perfect to be ruined.
"Who are you?"
A voice snapped him out of his paradise and brought him back to the cruel reality. He noticed as the puppy immediately got off his leg and ran towards the voice. He turned around raising on his feet fast, and spotted a child, yes, and actual child.
It was a little girl, she couldn't be more than seven years. Her golden hair was put on two long braids and her blue eyes were staring at him fondly. It wasn't a deadly stare, it was more like curiosity what she reflected on that look. She looked clean, with a white nightdress and slippers, ready to go to bed. It was reasonable considering it must be past midnight by now.
"Um, hey. I'm Thomas"
He tried to sound the gentlest possible, careful not to scare the little girl. But she seemed a brave girl, if she was here alone then she couldn't be scared.
"Thomas what?"
"No, just Thomas..." He answered. The girl looked decided and inquisitive, "Who are you?"
"I'm Olivia" The girl answered a little uncertain.
"Olivia what?" Thomas mimicked the girl's previous question, and she found it rather amusing than accusing. She let out a grin.
"Olivia Baker"
"Nice to meet you, Olivia Baker" Thomas put out an arm, but he raised both hands when the girl took a step back startled, "No, hey. I'm not gonna hurt you"
The girl took the dog in her arms and hugged it as if she was trying to guard herself.
"You're not one of the crazy people?" She asked with the high pitched voice breaking.
"Nope, I'm not. That actually can't happen to me, you know?"
"Really?" Olivia's eyes widened brightly, "That can't happen to me either, but mommy says I shouldn't be telling anyone"
"It's okay, your secret is safe with me"
"Then your secret is safe with me as well"
Thomas chuckled at the girl, putting out his hand one more time. This time she grinned and put her tiny hand out too, struggling to hold the puppy with the other one, but she managed to shake hands with him.
"So, who is your little friend?" Thomas asked curiously, pointing a bony finger towards the dark brown puppy in her arms.
"His name is Cooper" She said proudly, raising the pup for a supposed better sight, "He's my best friend"
"Well nice to meet you too, Coop" Thomas spoke with a faked serious voice putting out a hand to handshake Cooper's paw. Olivia laughed as she approached the paw to be greeted with a shake. "You're a real cutie, Cooper"
"He's adorable, but unfortunately he likes to fight the cows when we visit the farm!" Olivia stated adorably angry, it made Thomas chuckle as he petted Copper's ears.
"We have to tell Copper that is not right"
"Oh, I've already tried. But he licks my face every time I scold him" Olivia sat on the dirt, not caring about her nightdress, and began to play with the dog. Thomas did the same in front of her, letting the animal in the middle of the two of them, sat legs crossed in the middle of the night.
"What were you doing here alone?" Olivia looked up at him.
"I was... Exploring" He didn't really know what to answer to that.
"So, you don't live here?"
"No, I don't"
"Are you from the big building?" The girl looked scared at her own mention of WCKD's headquarters.
"Neither. I come from far away from here, but I'm currently living in the big building" Thomas hoped he used the correct words, to not startle Olivia again. After all, she shouldn't be talking to a stranger.
"Were you taken by the bad men because of your secret?"
"Yeah, I was"
"Mommy told me I will be taken away to the big building if I tell them the secret. I don't want to be far from mommy and daddy"
"You, won't. As long as you listen to mommy and daddy you'll be safe. And if that changes, I'll make sure that nothing bad happens to you. Deal?"
"Deal" Olivia smiled and they continued playing and talking.
It was all fine. They played with Cooper and the little rocks in the ground. Olivia was sweet, but at the same time tough. She reminded him of Chuck. Although Chuck was older than her, they talked with the same passion, really interested in their topics, putting pure feelings inside their words, and they had that same light on their eyes that could make a day better. Thomas missed that kind of inspiration, the one that came from kids. The innocent souls that didn't really know what was going on in the world, and lived in a world of their own imagination.
"Olivia!? Where are you!?" Suddenly a female muffled voice cut their talk.
It came from inside the house behind Olivia, a small grey cottage. The girl and Thomas looked at each other and stood up immediately, and the front door opened letting know a woman on her thirties in a nightgown, and a man behind her. The people carried worried expressions on their face, the same Thomas was trying to hide.
"Livie, love. What are you doing outside?" The woman looked angry, but her concerned for her child seemed to bring the calm tone. She stopped her tracks when her eyes met Thomas "Who is this?" She pointed at him.
"This is Thomas, mommy. I followed Cooper when he escaped the house and found him here. He's good" Olivia spoke innocently, expecting her mother to greet him, or hug him, whatever. However, the adults didn't look all cheers.
"What are you doing to our daughter?" The man took a step in front of the woman, and approached Olivia, who went with her mother along with Cooper. Thomas took a step back unharmed.
"I found her dog, I swear. We were just playing" Thomas tried to sound respectful, but the man didn't look like he bought it and his blood ran cold.
"Are you from WCKD?"
"I-"
"Answer!"
Thomas flinched, yes, he actually flinched. He raised his hands and looked down, he didn't want any trouble. He wouldn't hurt that little girl even if he was in the brick of insanity. But the man didn't think that way.
"No, I mean y-yes! But I'm not-" His statement was cut by the man launching at him, leading both of them to the ground. Thomas landed hard on his back and the back of his head, he groaned at the impact. The man landed on top of him, grabbing the collar of his shirt furiously, and he looked at the woman for a moment.
"Adeline, call security now!" He yelled as the woman tried to hide Olivia behind her to avoid her from seeing the scene, despite the girl's protests about letting him go.
"No, daddy! Let him go!"
It was when a punch was delivered to his cheek, sending jolts of pain to the rest of his head. Thomas tried to break free from the grip, without looking like he wanted to fight back. He was dead, if the security came, then it was his end. They would find him and take him back to the torture.
"What did you do to her!? What did she tell you!?" The man yelled between spits of saliva and punches of rage to his face.
"She didn't tell me anything, man! Just don't call security, please!" Thomas begged helplessly. There was nothing he could do or say to change the man's opinion. He seemed blinded by the anger, while the loud sobs of the little girl sounded in the back.
It was all a mess. People from other cottages had gotten out of their homes to stare at the fight curiously. While nobody was helping him, they just stayed stilled on their spots, as if they were on the man's side.
Far away the sound of a motor was making its way and Thomas' eyes widened. This was it, he was going back. His time was up. Three WCKD's vehicles appeared in the scene and the crowd let them pass the dirty road. One of them screamed to stop, with the man obeyed and got out of Thomas while cleaning his bloodied knuckles.
"We found the subject! Get him inside the car!" One of them ordered.
Thomas clenched his eyes shut defeated, he let the tears build up in his eyes but blinked them away so they wouldn't be evident. Two guards approached to him, one had a launcher pointed at his form while the other one held a pair of handcuffs ready to be used.
"Please don't take me" Thomas begged as he crawled back scared. He was actually terrified, it was all repeating.
On the other side at the cottage's porch Olivia and his parents were together, scared as well. But her parents stared at him with something different than anger, it was recognition. Because they had just turned him down, to something they were protecting their daughter from. While Olivia was still crying loudly, tears streamed down her face as she hugged Cooper in her tiny chest terrified.
"Someone shut the girl!" A voice spoke from behind and Thomas stopped his crawling, eyes widened.
Randall got out of one of the vehicles and approached slowly, with again, the fucking stupid proud smirk. His hands together on his back, looking as powerful as always. Thomas closed his eyes and lowered his head painfully.
"Good reputation, Thomas" The chancellor spoke up, "Not even a day out, and you've already gotten yourself enemies. New record"
"Just let me go! I'm tired of you, all of you!" Thomas yelled completely done with the situation. The crowd around flinched in sync.
"You and I both know that'll never happen" Randall said faking sympathy. The two previous guards proceeded to grab him. Thomas fought and resisted, but eventually he lost. He was already lacked of sleep, beaten up to a bloody pulp and weak.
"Let's get out of here" Randall mumbled to his men and they began to walk back to the cars, "The show is over people! Get back to your houses!"
Thomas took one last glance at Olivia between his parents, and Cooper in her arms. If he wasn't going to see her again, then he was going to stare 'till the last moment. He wanted to say thank you, for the best hour of his life and probably his last one. An hour of sweetness, happiness and full of puppy love.
Behind him, Randall looked at Thomas with narrowed eyes, then, he stopped abruptly. He turned around and stared at the same picture of the united family.
"Take the girl too, she'll be tested" He ordered the free guard, who nodded and proceeded.
"NO! YOU MONSTER, LEAVE HER ALONE!" Thomas burst in rage and struggled under the strong grips, "SHE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING, DON'T TAKE HER!"
Olivia began to whimper when the guard shot his parents with his launcher and took the puppy out of her little arms. He grabbed her despite her tiny kicks and punches. She fought, because Thomas already knew she wasn't weak. But the guard won, and they were both taken.