"Bibi open up please my love"mami said with so much scare in her voice.
"I'm not gonna try killing myself this time Mami,she's not worth it,just wait up a minute"I said and stood up to open the door for Mami.
"Good morning mother Mami"I said raising a brow.
"I'm your granny woman"Mami said while sitting on the bed.
"You're my Mother,my one true lover"I said while pecking her.
"You spent all night crying huh?"
"I didn't want you to see my weakness,sorry I chased you out last night"I said in an apologetic tone.
"The nightmares?"
"They've become worst Mami"I said while crying.
"Forgive her Bibi"
"Mami I can't,she's took my life all along and now I'm loosing her"
"She'll be operated today,go pay a visit"
"I can't"
"You can't or you won't?you've been here for a week,all Families and friends worried,you forced me not to talk"
"I'm sorry Mami,I'll be leaving today for Abj"
"No you're not"
"When she dies,life goes on huh?I have a life at Abj- a school to attend to"
"Your dad will be so disappointed"
"How does he feels when his first love is lying on a hospital bed and his child missing?"
"She was his love,his first,he would want to pay a visit"
"I don't think he'll"
"She's only sick,he'll be representing you"
"A site to see,you'd want to store it as a good memory of your parents"
"What if they fight in their"
"They won't,you should be their and let's this end for good"
"I'm not sure Mami"I said while cleaning my tears.
"Don't you want to know all the truth?"
"More like a family time?"
"I know you'll be hurt when all is exposed but They're more to know than to be hidden she's willing to tell you all,and maybe you'd find out about my own bad part in their"
"What do you mean Mami?"
"I'm not as good as I look"
"I wouldn't hate you for anything"
"What if I was the third wheel who separated the bond at first?"
"You must have a good reason"
"Your mother did the same thing as I did"
"What?you're no way close to her"
"An evil step was copied"
"She could have choose the right step"
"Your mother isn't bad Bibi believe me,she was a good woman,she changed for a reason,a reason you would want to know huh"
"I'll be hurt the more if I learn the truth,everything is based on lie,from mum,abba and to mama being wicked-the most wicked stepmother in the world those days, to mum on her death bed now-everything happens so fast Mami"I broke down into tears.
"I'm so sorry Maryam,you where the chosen one to pay for every mistakes you had no vision of-the mistakes of the elders"
"I'm I a bad luck?"
"You're the strongest woman on earth Maryam"
"The nightmares they mean something huh Mami?,they say things to me,it's so scary,I had them mostly every night this time around,what have I done to deserve so much pain"
"It's a test and sure you'll pass it"
"It's difficult"
"Have faith and trust Allah"
"I really need a time alone,a time far away from everyone,from the world Mami please"
"I'll be going with you"
"Alone Mami"
"I'm afraid that this time,something bad might happen,the way you have this nightmares you'd loose it anywhere"
"Mami it's the least I can ask please"
"On two conditions"
"Anything"
"Go see your parents first at the hospital today and then you fly together with Halima"
"With halima?i feel like I'm being a burden to her"
"She's understanding,she's your sister,she'd give up everything for you,now go get dress and go ,I'll tell her parents and then you move from the hospital straight to the airport"
"Okay Mami but I'm doing this just for you remember"
"You'll be hurt on the way but be strong,you've always been a strong girl okay?"
"Inshallah Mami"I said while a lone tear cascaded down on its own to my mouth making me have a taste of my sad tears before it becomes an unlatch one.
************
I didn't want anyone knowing I was their at the hospital and so I decide to go through the window side where no one was their and watch a little from a far my both parents having a conversation, a real one.
"She loves you and I'm sure it'll all be wrapped around her head,she'll come to realize that soon enough Inshallah"abba said looking at mama with a short smile.
"And what about you?"mum said while trying to sit upright on the bed .
"We're good"
"C'mon Abu zulaiha don't tell me that,your relationship is at the verge of crumbling and you're doing nothing about it"
"It has already been crumbled"ya zuzu said with sad smile.
"She used to be my little princess"
"Used?"mama asked.
"She's changed from the little girl I know,the princess who used to come around me all the time,she was my world and pride and she still is,I just don't know how to and what to understand in the whole situation"
"It's not her fault or yours,It all started when I told her you hated her right from birth"mama said with tears gushing down her cheeks.
"What?"abba and mama said Shock clouding them and the tears I've been holding in soon cascaded down with no mercy of a stop,I cried like a little baby with no parents by side,the pain feels fresh and new and all I could help do is cover my mouth with my hands so no one hears the sound of my cries.
"Zulaiha you knew this?"Abba asked shouting.
"Y...ess...but I can explain,she made me promised not to tell anyone"she answered while moving backward in a hurry.
"Have I ever told you I hated any of my children Khadija?I've always loved them you knew this,and all along non of you bothered telling me?"The anger flaring in Abba's voice is one I've never seen.
"I also did things to her which are unforgivable"mama confessed and that bought more speed of tears to my eyes.
"What?fatima you too?"
"We both did it together abba"zulaiha added.
"All in my roof and I never had any idea of?what has she done to deserve all you wicked people?ya Allah she's my daughter you know that don't you?she's no less than you"abba said with tears in his eye.
"What more do you have to say,cx if I find out myself you all won't hear the last of it"Abba added looking at them one at a time with the most deadliest glare I've ever seen.
"I said that cx I wanted to stay with one of my daughters,i couldn't see you have them all at a time when we were going to be divorced soon"mum said.
"And do you know what harm your words did to her?can you imagine the pain?"
"No"she answered after a long silence.
"She was my little princess,so charming and beautiful with lots of patience all she does ask all day was 'when is mum coming back to us Abba,I missed her so much"and I'd convince her one way or the other to take her mind off that just so she wouldn't be sad but as a child she never forgot her mother,she always asks of you and it hurts me knowing I can never fill in the space you have in her heart cx Your love is all she wanted- a mothers love...going to school she always complain coming back with tears in her eyes,you know why ?cx her friends mock her because they never saw her with a mother,I'd always sacrifice my time to go pick her up from school but it was endless,in my whole life I thought replacing her with another mother will fill in that place-but she never stopped asking about you even after having Fatima as a step mother,I saw it genuinely in fatima's eyes how she loved my daughters and so I knew my children would be loved and cared for,but today I realized it was the worst mistake of my life"
"Yes,I loved your children with my heart and soul but when I got my own child-Muhammad at first I started to back away knowing I have my own bundle of joy,I got carried away and forgot all this while I knew child love first thing first with Amaani and zulaiha-Amaani most especially she was the one who needed a mothers love the most,zulaiha could understand things a little then,I got blind I wanted you to love my children as much as you loved Khadijah's children I became scared and jealous,and even more jealous of how you called your ex wife's name in my presence all the time,all good examples was set by you-with her name,you scolded me for not being like Khadija-for not acting like her,you wanted to mold me to be like her and do everything like her,I became jealous and I vent all that anger on your daughter Amaani ,after I found out zulaiha felt the same way-we ganged up on her,making her work like a slave day and night while you were afar from home-it took you months to come back home and yes we knew she'd never utter her Mouth to tell you everything-she was AMAANI after all-and so we took advantage of AMAANI.
********
KANO,NIGERIA 2008
"Assalamualaikum mama good afternoon"a 7 year Old Amaani came back from school and headed straight to my side as she does always,something my own children never do.
"How was school?"I asked with an evil smile spreading on my lips.
"G...oo..d"she answered and swallowed hard,then stood up to leave for her room while I followed her after some minutes.
"What did you tell halima?"i said while raising a sharp knife which I bought especially for the occasion.
"Mama...nothing"she answered moving backward.
"You said I'm not your mother but a step one huh?"
"Yes"she answered not knowing what was wrong with saying that.
"I hate people to know that I'm not your mother you know why?I hate being your mother too just as you hate me being your birth mother but people will know I'm not his first wife and that's all I care 'bout"
"But you're never his first anyway mama so why getting piss off"she said knowing she's in a lot of trouble getting used to the maltreatment I and her sister give her like a daily routine.
I rushed the knife to her neck closely and she looked me in the eyes with no fear like she does always but with a smile on her face and then she said it lIke always again (Allahu gafuru rahim mama)and I drop the knife down feeling so ashamed of myself and why not I never have the gut to put that knife on her neck ever again,I gave her punishment (kaman kunne),frog jump,to sweeping and mopping continuously before going to school everyday,but she always did her work clean and neat but I was so blind and with zulaiha on my side it was a sight not to see,we both had the same taste of hate-she struggles and manage to do all her Assignments all night reading and praying while we all were asleep,but she always manage to ACE'S her exams even without our help of it.
"Yes Abba I hated her much more than any other living being in this world,she got it perfectly fine,she was too perfect for my eyes and to the whole people,no one ever noticed me but it was always about her,why?I couldn't understand and all this while I thought hating her was gonna change everything,while I punished her on the way but I got to realize it was never about that,she was far more than me in everything because she was always being HERSELF she believed SHE WAS NO ONE ,and Allah Elevate her status High right from this dunya "zulaiha said while crying loud
"I told you things she never did just so she could look bad in your eyes,and be proud of me.just so she wouldn't go study in Paris just like I'd,and I succeeded by telling you she needed to stay close cx she was sick and it was never serious at that time,I loved it when your relationship broke and I thought it was my time to shine bright -the daddy's girl and the media being all around me and everything would be about ZULAIHA AMIN NASIR GALADANCHI at lest for once's.
...She first got the idea of starting a business all of a sudden and so I told you she was competing with me,she started good on clothes,cosmetics and a lot more at once's combining study and business at a very young age,while my business failed all because I was never concentrating but jealous of what she got and how she did and mange it while I was doing nothing..she found out about my business and so she quit it just so I could get a chance to glow and shine bright all I want-but the inspiration she gave parents and young little children was unending...I was never noticed...yet again, Yet again I quit the business seeing I couldn't achieve anything in it,she started her business without accepting a penny from anyone I found out a little later and I regretted not using that method as she did but I had no penny-while she suffered when business all the money went down to mum's account because she was doing it for her - she learned mum was just collecting loan from every angle,she didn't like it at all and so she did that to save our mother,cx she believed when she dies it's gonna be along hella of a journey,cx no one would like to help forgive or pay for mum cx she's never been good to herself nor anyone,she believed she would be the WISH which mum said,the last HOPE, FANCY,AND INSPIRATION because she believed it was HER and after all it'll always be HER-she would do her duty as a daughter and achieve more goals,cx that's the why she was named AMAANI-the reason and so she believed she would be mum's last HOPE,fulfilling WISH and any other mess she created was here's to clean,even though she believed she wasn't FANCY as the name means,she's not FANCY in mum's way of saying-she lacked the fancy part,while people hyped her as FANCY and it became the center of her NAME-AMAANI!
*****
KANO ,NIGERIA 2008
It was a beautiful morning when Amaani came running giving me Aisha and she paused to asked
"What are you talking about with Abba for so long?"and I blurted out
"Have you ever cared?why ask now?all you know and do is gossip like your disgusting mother,it's in your gene,gossiping was all along part of your gene"
She looked at me with a smile and tears she forced the tears back in to prevent it from coming down and then she walks slowly to her room.
Some minutes later I followed her to hand her Aisha so she could help change her diaper since she wasn't allowed to go near her it was the only time she got to hold her in her arms.
"Can't you hear me shouting your name you fool"I said flaring with anger and I paused entering the room the site of Amaani praying with tears rolling down her eyes like a river flow,turning to my right I saw her diary on the bed and I didn't hesitate carrying it,I wanted to see why it was so special -they are all dates of hurts written with a title each while a long poems are written in a language I wouldn't understand even if I try to.
"It's all started on the 12th of February A DAY NEVER TO FORGET"
THE day when my whole life crumbled into pieces and I had no one to say "it's okay and give me a hug"
An unending punishment,
Something which feels good within the heart and soul
Cries never dies
While no one notices the whimpers of my cries,
At nights and during the days,
Was it so hard?
So easy?
Was I ready to let go and start afresh ?
Can't anyone see the voice in my eyes since Im never one to voice it out?
I believe all things good and bad
Bad??bad??bad??
Are a building experience and lessons
As I take it all the time
It's the only drug I have
One is left?
Will the Heart accept it or will it fail to this time?
It's not pure hatred dear except my apology till the end of all this
But it's unending?my heart voice back
And I knew it was the end of patience
Why now?it says
It's of love and not hatred,i answered back
The wholes are getting more,it's gonna be broken soon?
And why? else?
Hold on a little longer
Theirs no portion for unlatch
But their is for latch..
You have solution or more drugs?
Love is love
Sisters are sisters
And mothers will be mothers always
The love always serves canned fruit and processed meals, balancing the worry that fresh food would be better, but $20 only goes so far.
Are you contented with burying their mistakes all the time?
Never and never will
It's love I believe and it will surely be served as canned fruit
Written on February 12th 2008
It was something I couldn't understand but it was sure a conversation with the heart,a deep one which I felt it in my soul and body while I was reading it but it never changed my mind.
"What prayer was that?salan Muna fikai?Cx it's just eleven right now munafika,or you've gone blind you don't see and you don't know the time of prayers any more huh?she smiled and shook her head while folding her hijab.
"How may I be at your service ma'am ?"she asked while carrying her diary knowing I read it,I got angry and left the room without a word-and it hurts me knowing I wasn't prayerful like her,she was praying the nafil-cx it gives her peace and eases her mind and soul,while left alone I got it hard to Pray my five daily prayers while she does all in time and add the nafil prayer on top-how stupid was i?to compare myself with a prayerful person like Amaani?it was never to put to words
She was so good to the extent I saw my world falling-to when I found out my husband once's had a crush on her,he wanted her instead of me,she had no idea but I never blamed him ,our marriage was not of love after all it was an arranged,his letters to the air-an air loved Amaani as he said.