The colors of sunrise
Seem to fade away
The hues of the morning mist
Seem less impressive everyday
In front of the world
The unicorns and roses
How I wish never to wake up
But None of them stands tall
Compared to the radiance of reality
Even the sun feels so small.
A beautiful morning it is,but when the events of yesterday come rushing down my spine,I know there's a whole big volcano ready to explode,the volcano I never want to be exploded but when I close my eyes to the amazing and most beautiful moments in my sleep-dream land,the land of wishes and change of life,the world where I wished I had it perfect ,I hug back my self for the unicorns and roses in them are sending shivers down my spine but when my eyes open to reality I know it's gonna be a long day ahead,a day full of arguments and fights and maybe a new day,a new chance for someone,if only the love triangle I'm in right now would turn to a perfect heart-a one beautiful one,then I'd be the happiest AMAAANI on earth, the smile which is always tug on my face will still be visible when the thought of why Mum named me AMAANI always crosses my mind.
************
I was settled in my room with a big bowl of chocolates when my phone distracted me from the sweetness of my bowl,I can't escape this forever but however I'm enjoying this.
"Assaamu.....Maryam cut my salam off.
"Amaani...I..I...I ...nee...d ...you"she managed to say in between sobs and That made my heart drop down on its own for this broken voice I heard is all because of me.
"Where are you at?"I said while stepping out of the room.
"My house"
"I'll be right their hold on and get a hold of yourself"I said picking the key of my car and hung up the call without waiting for reply.
Stepping into the dinning everyone was sitting having breakfast while gisting and laughing well except for Muhammad who's left for school.
"Assalamualiakum,good morning to y'all"
"Waalikumu salam""they answered in unison.
"Mama I'm heading out to maryam's"I said not looking at abba.
"Why this early huh?"abba asked.
"It's something personal"I said trying not to sound disrespectful.
"And why do I get the feeling that you've changed"Abba again.
"Well isn't that what you want?for me to get out of my old shelf and become like your darling Zuliaha?"
"I never said that"
"Well maybe I've eavesdrop your conversation with mama,I know it's bad but I wanted talking to mama when I over heard your convo"everyone went silent looking from me to Abba and the hurt in my eyes definitely defines me,for I can feel it in my throat the waterworks are going to work but no I swallowed hard, smiled said my goodbye for his not replying that never and never will he.
"Stepping into maryma's house I greeted her mum and dad and went up to her room which is a great mess"
"What on earth girl?for how long have you been like this?looks like you haven't had any sleep last night"I said looking anywhere at Maryam who sat on the soft rug in her room with tissue box all over the floor.
"I'm sorry I had to do what I did last night,you got angry and left"
"Go get clean first,I'm sure you don't want Aymaan to see you like this huh?"and that brought a smile to her face,she stood up and left for the bathroom.
"Whoa!looking fresh and beautiful like always,I complimented at her black maxi dress with red embroidery design on it.
"Stop insulting me joor"
"He's gonna go crazy after seeing you in this you know"I said wiggling my brows which brought a light chuckle to maryam's mouth.
"Now come sit"I said offering Maryam a sit next to me.
"Feel free to pour out all your heart troubles to me,I'm at your service"I said In a serious note.
"Well first I want to apologize for ruining your surprise proposal,I never thought the man of my dreams will turn out to be the man who falls in love with you Amaani,I had no intention of doing that at all but when I went forward to give you a signal to go for my 'YES' card I saw him,he was the man I've been talking about all this while,he was the one who stole my heart and gave me sleepless night all night all day dreaming about him,I broke up with my boyfriend for him who was about to send his proposal to my family the following month,I loved him but I love and loved and I'll still love Aymaan,he's the one my heart settles with,his the beats my hearts want to hear all the time,he's the one my heart craves for,the love I have for him is just unsayable,but I know how much he hates me for ruining his proposal,for ruining a beautiful beginning for you and him,but I couldn't stop myself ,I wanted to be in his hold,to cuddle with him all the time,to wake up next to him all day all morning,to do crazy things with him,I can offer myself to him,I want him badly,I can do anything for him and I don't mind losing my dignity for him,I don't mind dying while having sex With him,the thought of him being with someone is just not in my dictionary to understand,and ion care loosing my friendship and bond which we've lived and grown with for this one man,but who would reject such a guy,a sheikh upon all?not me not you and not any other girl would,but I can't let you win this battle Amaani,I'll fight for this man until I die,I won't marry any man but him,I take a vow in front of you and with my life if not Aymaan then it's no one and never will anyone....."I raised a hand up making her to shut the fuck up,for my ears have heard enough for the day.I cleared my voice and quote from the little Islamic knowledge I have learnt from islamiya.
Mentioned in Quran 4 :25.
"... Wed them with the permission of their own folk and give them their mahr (dowry) according to what is reasonable; they should be chaste, not adulterous, nor taking boyfriends..." [al-Nisaa' 4:25]
In his commentary on this aayah, Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
"Muhsanaat [translated as "chaste"] means that they should be pure, not indulging in zinaa (unlawful sexual conduct), hence they are described as not being musaafihaat, which means promiscuous women who do not refuse anyone who wants to commit immoral acts with them.
Ibn Katheer (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
"Muhsineen ghayr musaafiheen wa laa muttakhidhi akhdaan ('desiring chastity (i.e., taking them in legal wedlock), not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends'). Just as Allaah imposed the condition of chastity on women, meaning that they refrain from zinaa, so it is also imposed on men. The man must also be pure and chaste. So they should be ghayr musaafiheen, meaning they should not be adulterers who do not refrain from sin and do not refuse any who come to them (for immoral purposes). Nor should they be muttakhidhi akhdaan, meaning those who have girlfriends or female lovers with whom they have an exclusive relationship, as quoted above from Soorat al-Nisaa'. (The one with many lovers or the one with just one lover) are both the same. For this reason Imaam Ahmad ibn Hanbal (may Allaah have mercy on him) said that it is not right to marry a promiscuous woman unless she has repented, or to arrange a marriage of such a woman to a chaste man, so long as she is still conducting herself in this manner. Similarly, he (Ahmad) says that it is not right for a promiscuous man to marry a chaste woman unless he repents and gives up his immoral conduct, because of this aayah... We will discuss this matter in further detail after quoting the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):
"Let no man guilty of fornication or adultery marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an unbeliever: nor let any but such a man or an unbeliever marry such a woman: to the Believers such a thing is forbidden." [al-Noor 24:3]
Always remember Maryam You only deserve love unless you love yourself .
If you deny yourself,the universe will deny you definitely. Every human being deserves love,being disabled or helpless.
Review yourself and make your ways clear to entertain new friends in your life dear.
I don't know your faith ,but weather you are a Christian or Muslim,the two religions preach love.
The bible says , he who doesn't know love doesn't know God,because God is love.
There are those moments in life when things suddenly shift from a deep, sad shade of blue to a lighter shade of sky, and then eventually the beautiful reds and pinks and oranges of a sunrise.
When a light bulb snaps on in your head and you see something that you've been missing for days, months, maybe even years, though it doesn't change what caused the sea of blue, it makes it look more like a calm lake than a raging ocean.
I had one of those moments not too long ago. I had been stuck in a sea of blue for almost two years. After the breakdown my first "suicide"attempt I vaulted into a deep dark ocean where I could only tread water, and I stayed there for what felt like an eternity just because I thought I wasn't worth love,I wasn't worth a parents love.I didn't want to go out, happiness seemed like a fleeting feeling that left me as quickly as it took me over, and I felt like I would never feel better. I had fallen into a depression that would come and go, and a false sense of healing.
But then I understood that I needed to be me,myself and I because there is no me except me....to be loved you need to be yourself,let anyone who loves you or claim to love you,love you for who you're not for some reason or just because your parents are rich or you're beautiful,beauty fades babe,wealth is not permanent ,let him love you for your flaws,for your imperfection,he should love you and not try to mold you into the lady he wants,he should accept you as you are,love you...care for you and treat you like a princess,a man who knows your value not someone who will treat you like a maid,someone who will respect you so he's family will do the same not someone who doesn't know the worth and value of himself Wanda be san ciwan kansa ba balle kuma na wani,you can never force a man to love you and never love him too much,never make the mistake or utterance of saying you'd sell you dignity for aymaan it is Haram,the thought of it is a sin.
"Amaani how do you always do that?how do you manage to show people what the truth is with just true words and how much do you learn so much when I only know little of what you said,you sure deserve the best not what I did to you,you deserve non,you're a true and rare sister,I'm so so..."
"Its really okay,and you know what Aymaan is all yours,I see a future for you two together and I'm happy for you"I said honestly speaking.
"No Amaani,I'm backing out"
"Ooh no your not ,I'll convince aymaan okay?"
"And what about his words and the girls?can you erase that also?"she said sadness visible on her face.
"No but I'll explain"
"He said he'll never love me and they said they're disappointed in me,they wanted me to take my words back and tell them it's a prank"
"He'll eventually,just hold onto my words remember what I said always,and forget the girls they'll all calm down as for aymaan I'll have a talk with him okay?"
"Okay"
"Now I need to get going,remember to eat and call me ASAP when theirs any problem"I said while leaving the room but to my surprise she held me back and gave me a cozy hug which felt so real.