MADISON
I try to eat the toast as fast as I could, munching on the pieces left as to not arrive late at work. I am all dressed and ready yet my eyes still closed on their own accord. I cleaned my plate and the other one, staring at the clock in the kitchen wall minute after minute. That's why when I felt cold arms snake around my waist I jumped.
"What the fuck? You're freezing," I shiver, turning around quickly.
"Well, it's cold. Duh." I chuckle, having already gotten used to this ambient.
Ember flashes me a cheeky grin before hopping up on the kitchen counter.
I have been living with Ember for two weeks since yesterday and I had thought it would've been much more difficult and stressful than it was. She cleaned, cooked and bought enough groceries so that meant I had enough. She was also the best emotional support I could have hoped for.
"It's getting late, lets go," she whines as she grabs her coat and keys. I grab mine as well, following the crazy woman along the apartment corridor.
I was glad I hadn't seen even a peak of Aaron at work, knowing full well that I wouldn't be able to function correctly if I had. I did hear his name though, which still didn't make things easier. Workers whispered he was making work harder for everyone, asking too much, yelling too much, stressing everyone too much. He was not my boss directly, instead being the boss of my superiors and directors, so it wasn't out of the ordinary that he didn't give directions directly to me and I didn't get to see him.
Nevertheless, a part of me wished to see his face. Stare at those blue eyes and take everything back. But I knew he needed someone who wanted the same as him. But I wanted the fairytale, what women are taught to want. And that was prefect. Right?
Once we arrived, Ember and I sat in our usual seats and got to work. It felt ordinary, like a routine that brought me sadder and sadder each day. There was nothing wrong with work, I loved it, but my heart broke every time I sat in that chair and knew that that week would remain the same.
Everyday I came back to Ember's house and lid in bed. 5 hours straight with my phone, scrolling, faking as if something was keeping me entertained. When in reality the tears rolled down my cheeks, salty drops ticking my nose before falling onto the pillow.
Every night the same. Every night the silent tears as I scrolled and scrolled through my phone.
I had fallen in love once with my first boyfriend as a silly teen, yet my heart did not fill the way it did now, and it did not break as it was doing. I did not leave Aaron because I loved him too much, or because I was not ready for his love. His words at the beginning of my stay with him still played an important role in my head, he didn't want anything serious, and although love could change that I was not there to risk it and get my heart more broken than it already was.
Charlie stared at us with a look full of concern, his eyes going from Ember to me. He knew. I knew he knew something was happening but I had not yet told him what it was. Laurent knew something as well, from the fatherly look on his face as he stared at me with full of concern. I didn't want this to be like a little high school secret that only Ember knew, so when lunch time arrive I told them what had happened.
I tried to keep the tears at bay when telling them, and I succeeded, but my heart broke with every word. I was shocked when Laurent embraced me in a hug from his seat next to me, and how Charlie, who was always talking, maintained mute.
"You're a smart woman, Madison," Charlie spoke seriously which was not common for him, "if you think that was the best choice I support you. You're not looking the best, and I now understand why Mr. Ryan has been so cold," he chuckled lightly, "but if you need anything, know that I'm always here." I smile gratefully at my friend, matching Ember's smile that looked at him with so much love in her eyes, yet the sadness and regret were clear. I knew once I was better and she was ready she could tell me all that had been happening with her and Charlie, but now was not the time.
We resumed our lunch with more carefreeness now, having light talk and laughs as if everything was fine. And I was grateful for that, between all the misery and shattered hearts I had my friends there with me. The pain was still there, that part was inevitable, that soft feeling in your chest that you would mistake for something else was still there at every moment.
I continued working and it was still there with the constant reminder that we were no longer together. I believe that was the worst part, not being able to erase that constant reminder, that at least once every hour a thought of him would cross my mind in which I tried to let go. He was always there, even if I didn't see him. And I wondered if right now, for him, I was always there too.
A fraction in his mind that dangled every so often, threatening to drop and break lose. Honestly, I had to stop lying, it had already dropped lose.
My tries to remain unbothered and unsettled came to no avail. I still belonged to him, smithereens of heart he took every day until he possessed it all. Words that meant so much, memories, fractions of a reality that no longer existed.
Everything reminded me of him. I got into Ember's car everyday and I remembered how we once went to dinner blasting music in his expensive car. I ate toasts in the morning, and how could it not, it reminded me of him. He did not only take ahold of my heart but of everything around me. Every memory we had, built and changed the world around me, and I don't know if it will ever go back as before.
It was no longer the world I lived in, but the world I shared with him.
My mind still didn't grasp that we still shared the same work space, breathes within the same structures. All my break ups once cut were never to be brought again. I didn't need to worry about crashing onto them. Yet with Aaron I did. Yet it was still not the same, for my heart belonged to him, piece after piece. He took it so slowly I hadn't quite noticed how much he had actually taken.
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My eyes are tired, two droopy lids which can't seem to stay open for a indefinite amount of time. Yet I don't want them to, for in my dreams he visits me more than in reality. It is in my dreams that I have to phase him and respond.
Ember looks at me quite so often, worry etched across her face. She doesn't comment on it, doesn't utter a sound, yet I feel her support from within miles away.
I know she feels as if she is in no right to talk, being in a stable relationship. Or sort of. I know it isn't what she wants, who she wants, but her heart doesn't want to admit it.
She has been going out with Thomas for about three weeks now. They're not dating, they're seeing where things are going she tells me. But what that actually means is seeing if Charlie comes back for her, like she's still hoping for. I've told her countless of times she shouldn't be playing with Thomas' heart, but much like her I am in no room to talk.
"Have you got everything settled?" I ask her, deeming it the right time to change atmosphere. "You know what you need and how you'll go about?"
"I think so. I'm still nervous," she answers truthfully.
Who would've have expected, well, much more who wouldn't have. Ember told me two weeks ago she had been having an idea, and to no surprise it was having her own sex shop. Though the idea may sound absurd and immature, it is much more than that. She has been doing her fair share of research and I've found I have never seen her as invested in this as anything else. She still doesn't know what to do with Ryan Inc., but honestly, I don't see her staying much more, and I say that in every positive way. She's someone that aspires for more and if combining her ambitiousness to her sex drive gives her a sex shop then so be it.
I get up from the couch and walk toward the kitchen where Ember stands. "I'm going to the store, need anything?"
"Chocolate, please," she pouts. I smile, a genuine smile since some weeks. That brings a smile to her face as well, and after she gives me a proud peck on the cheek I grab my keys and head out.
I sigh and close my eyes after closing the door. I just wished smiles weren't so hard anymore.
I don't even know where to start. It's been months since I haven't uploaded and I am extremely thankful for all the messages. I think not writing for a while has really helped me and I am now starting to find the joy in it again. This does not mean I will upload every week like I used to, it means I am starting to write.
Thank you all for everything, and see you in the next chapter. Love you all,
Mart 🤍