All Clara wanted as she headed back to work was a nice, normal day. Washing Araminta's clothes, cleaning her room, prepping her for meals, and whatever else she needed done. But even as she took the transport up to the airship, Clara knew the likelihood of that desire being fulfilled was slim.
Araminta was up, but still in her nightclothes, when Clara entered her chambers. After the last discussion they had, Clara suddenly felt very awkward standing in front of her.
"Would you like me to help you dress, my lady?" Clara finally asked.
Araminta studied her, and didn't reply. "How is your sister?" she asked instead.
"Better," Clara said quietly. She twisted her hands together. "Thank you." There was a lot of weight to those two words, but Clara didn't know how to better express her sentiment.
Araminta gave a curt nod. "Good."
Clara didn't know what else to do, so she went over to Araminta's wardrobe to pick something out for the day.
"Harrison told me about your conversation on the balcony during the ball."
Clara froze, and then slowly turned around. Araminta stared at her, not with anger, but with something that almost looked like sympathy.
"What did he say?" Clara asked. She almost didn't want to know.
"He wanted to know how much I played a part in everything," Araminta replied. "But more than anything, I think he wants to know how you feel about everything."
"And what did you tell him?"
"I told him my part," Araminta said delicately. "That yes, once I found out about the connection between you two, I used it to my own advantage."
"You told him about Lucretia?"
"Not by name," Araminta said. She looked down. "But he is aware that there is someone else."
"How did he react to that?"
Araminta gave a sly smile. "He really didn't seem to care at all. I wonder why that is?" She gave Clara an amused look.
But Clara didn't find anything funny. "I don't know what you expect to come out of this, Araminta," she said. "You're still engaged to him. Officially, now."
"Honestly, I don't know either," Araminta admitted. "At least not in concerning the future. But when concerning today's events, you're going to talk to him."
Clara looked at her in alarm. "What? Today?"
"He'll be here, soon. And I can't make you tell him everything, but that's what he wants to know. And I don't have any problem with it."
"Don't have any problem with it?" Clara exclaimed. "Araminta, how can you not have any problem with it? You're engaged to him! And you're alright with me talking to him about whatever feelings I have? Feelings that I haven't even figured out yet?"
"I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out," Araminta urged. "You know I don't want to marry him. He doesn't want to marry me. I have someone who I love. And maybe if he has someone who he loves..."
"What, you'll be able to get out of this entire arrangement?" Clara scoffed. "So, you're using me, is what you're saying."
"I'm not using you," Araminta said sharply. Then she deflated slightly. "Alright, maybe I am. But is it really the worst thing in the world if it worked out?"
"Maybe not for you." Clara fought to keep her voice steady. "But what do you think would happen if your parents, and Harrison's parents, for that matter, found out that the reason you two don't want to marry is because of a couple of servants? You and Harrison would come out of that scandal relatively unscathed. But me? Lucretia? Best-case scenario: we get fired and have to find work on another airship."
Clara didn't really want to think about the worst-case scenario.
She could see Araminta struggling to find a counter-argument, but she failed. "Fine, you're right," she admitted. "Logically, it makes no sense. But let me ask you this, Clara. Putting everything else aside, do you not want to see him?"
Clara took a deep breath. She immediately knew the answer. "Alright, yes, I suppose putting everything else aside, I do want to. But want doesn't play much of a part in all of this."
"Just, just talk to him today," Araminta pleaded. "And then if you decide you never want to talk again, I'll respect that. And don't you think he deserves some sort of explanation? I mean, we did lie to him."
"I didn't lie to him because I wanted to," Clara snapped.
"I know," Araminta said. "But I've already told him my part of the story. Do you really want me to tell you part?"
Clara sighed. Araminta was right. "Fine," she conceded. "I'll talk to him today and tell him everything that's happened. But then no more."
"Unless you change your mind."
"But then no more," Clara repeated.
Araminta held up her hands in defeat. "Whatever you say."
***
Half an hour later, Clara paced the length of the music room. She had told Araminta to tell Harrison to go to the place where the stars would look the most beautiful. Araminta had looked at her like she had two heads, but Clara knew Harrison would understand. And she wanted some place private to talk.
But after five minutes, and then ten, passed, Clara began to worry. Maybe Araminta had gotten the message wrong. Maybe she had been too vague, and he was just wandering around the airship, lost. Maybe he had changed his mind about wanting to talk to her.
Clara nearly jumped out of her skin when the door opened.
Harrison stood in front of her. "Clara, I'm so glad we can talk." He took a few steps forward, but Clara pulled away from him. He stopped. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's alright," Clara said. She didn't even know why she did what she did. "Just, sit, if you'd like."
They sank to the ground opposite of each other. Harrison stared in earnest, but Clara had no idea where to begin. "What do you want to know?" she finally asked him.
"I guess I already know most of what happened," Harrison admitted. "You went to the ball in Araminta's place at her request, she found out that, that we kissed," Clara was surprised to see him blush slightly, "when I mentioned it to her one of the times I visited. After that, she asked you to keep me busy so she could see someone else."
"That just about sums it up." Clara cast her gaze on a spot on the floor. "So what else is there for me to say?"
"I know everything that Araminta asked of you, and all of her requests," Harrison said. "But what about you? What did you think about all of this?"
"What did I think about all of this?" Clara repeated. "I thought that I should do whatever Araminta told me to do so I could keep my job."
"Oh." Harrison looked slightly crestfallen. "No other reason?"
"Harrison," Clara sighed. "Look, I don't want to lie to you." She chewed on the inside of her lip. "At the ball, when we first met," she said, "I, I did like you. Really." She couldn't even believe that she was admitting this to herself, much less to him.
His lips quirked up in a smile. "You did?" he teased.
"Don't make this harder than it already is," Clara snapped. "And yes. But I told myself that you only were acting like you did because you thought I was Araminta. And then the ball ended, and I told myself that was that."
"But?" Harrison prodded.
"But then I spent time with you when we were staying at your manor, and then your visits here, and with Araminta clearly not interested, a small, very small, stupid part of my brain thought that maybe you liked me for me." Clara said all of her words in a rush. The faster she got them out, the faster she could end the humiliation. "But in the end, it doesn't matter. We all know that."
"Clara." He said her name with such tenderness, it made Clara's heart swell. "I have been killing myself wondering what happened to the person I went to that first ball with. I couldn't understand why I felt nothing for Araminta when I spent time with her after the ball, but I felt everything for the woman who I spent that evening with."
It was Clara's turn to blush.
"So, knowing why that was gave me great relief," Harrison finished. "So, at the very least, thank you for that."
"So is that all?"
"Do you want that to be all?"
"Want, want, want." Clara shook her head. "You and Araminta are more similar than you think you are. Both of you think that what I want has any importance. You two are engaged. I'm a servant. Those two facts should be enough for both of you to realize that anything that could happen here is impossible."
"What you want matters to me." Harrison spoke seriously and looked at her intently. "And our parents can't actually force us to get married."
"Then why did you do this in the first place?" Clara asked. "It's clear both of you are unhappy."
"I didn't have a good reason not to go through with it before."
"And now you do?"
"I'm not sure yet. But I think I might."
Clara shook her head. "If you want to get out of this marriage, it can't be because of me," she told him. "You need to get out of it yourself. Only then could maybe something happen here. And that's if your parents don't immediately try to set you up with someone else of a suitable social class."
"Clara—"
Clara stood up. "I should go, I have work to do."
She made for the door, but Harrison got up and caught her arm before she could open it.
"I want to see you again."
She turned toward him and immediately wished she hadn't. His eyes were wide and as beautiful as ever, making it so much harder to resist.
"I know," she said. "And you will. When I work for Araminta and you two are married."
"Clara, look me in the eye and tell me you don't want to see me again, too."
Clara did as he asked and met his gaze. "I can't tell you that," she said simply. But then she swallowed hard. "Of course, I want to see you again. But as I told you before, what I want doesn't matter. I do what I have to in order to survive. And getting involved with my mistress's fiancé makes no sense in terms of survival."
She had stunned him; she could see that. But her words were true.
"There's nothing I can say to you to get you to change your mind, is there?"
"Harrison, if you were in my position, a position where with one wrong move you could lose everything, would you do this? Would you risk it all for a person who you barely even know?"
Harrison stared at her, but then dropped his hand from her arm. "I understand," he told her. Even so, he looked so dejected that Clara had to stop herself from reversing her decision at that very moment. "Thank you for your time, Clara."
Clara nodded, and then turned her back on him and fled the room, back down the stairs. Once she was far enough away and sure that Harrison wouldn't find her, she stopped and doubled over, her arms wrapped around her stomach.
Clara took in several deep breaths. Everything felt so overwhelming. Her anxiety over Emme and Ezra hadn't gone away, and now hearing how Harrison felt just added another layer of emotion to her already frayed mind. She hated how much she did want to see him, hated how she was already fantasizing about the two of them falling in love, the wedding getting called off, and she and her entire family getting off earth.
But Clara was too sensible to let herself tumble too far down that rabbit hole. Once she had collected herself, she stood back up straight. Hopefully, this time, when she went to Araminta's chambers, she could resume her position as a normal maid and get back to what her life used to be.