I was extremely sneaky walking down the small flight of stairs, making sure my steps weren't too loud. When I got into my closet I shut the small door behind me, and slid my shoe rack in front of it just in case. I was still planning what I should do and what I should say to my mom, because I wasn't supposed to leave my room let alone the house in the first place.
Quickly I jumped into my pajamas and looked in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize myself. I looked so happy! It was like I was glowing. I had to think of a reason as to why I didn't hear her calling me. My plan was that I was blasting the ipod in my closet with the door shut. I was angry with her, and I didn't want to hear her voice, although I was definitely going to leave that part out. That gave me a good reason to not hear her screaming at me, because the metal music that was playing was blasting into my eardrums. Maybe this would work, hopefully. I searched for my ipod and when I found it I turned the music on to look more realistic. I then sat in my closet very out of breath, and laughed to myself. What a night. I couldn't believe Stephanie had almost caught me, being her best friend, kissing her twin brother. Even through all of the thoughts running through my head, I still didn't let Alexander leave my mind. I couldn't believe the chemistry we shared as we were with each other, and especially when we kissed.
"Rose!" My mom screamed, banging on my door until I got up and opened it, the headphones still in my ears.
"Yeah?" I asked her, taking them out, realizing how loud they sounded.
She stared at me suspiciously, and I knew right then I had gotten away with it. "Why didn't you let me in?"
"What do you mean?"
"Turn down the volume," she grimaced, as I did what she said.
"Sorry."
"I was calling for you."
"I didn't hear you," I smiled.
"I thought you must have ran away," she guessed.
"I was in my closet trying to avoid the sound of your voice."
"You're not very funny," she said, starting to walk away until she turned around and put her nose against my neck.
"Mom," I wined, stepping away from her as she glared at me in confusion. "Personal space. Ever heard of it?"
"You smell like cologne," she finally answered, as my face turned hot.
"I do?"
"Yeah," she said, shaking her head. "Why on earth would you be wearing cologne?"
Because I was making out with the boy of my dreams? I got an idea. "It was dads."
She looked pissed, and she let out a deep breath of anger, which was exactly what I was going for. "What?"
"I stole it from him before we left, you know, for a reminder of him being my father."
"Oh," she shrugged, hopelessly. "Okay?"
"Yeah."
She wouldn't stop staring at me. "Hmm."
I swallowed loudly. "Where's Jake?" I smiled.
"Out with his friends," she answered happily. "He was getting on my nerves so I made him leave."
"Is he coming back?"
"God, I hope not," she laughed. I knew she was kidding.
"Alright," I muttered.
"Well, sleep tight," she said, beginning to walk away. I almost shut my door until she finished her sentence. "And your lip gloss is smudged," she smiled oddly.
I touched my lips and realized she was right. "Oh," I whispered. Was I caught after all?
"It's bedtime," she said loudly. "So take it off because you're not sneaking out like you plan on doing."
"Shoot," I said carefully. "You caught me."
"Well you guys think I'm stupid," she smirked, and walked away blowing me a kiss.
I closed the door and began laughing at her. My plan worked. I walked to my dresser and looked into the mirror hanging over it, and I was still shining. I couldn't believe he kissed me! I wanted to scream out of happiness until I remembered what he made me promise. I promised not to fall in love with him, which was now making me feel guilty. I wasn't as cheerful anymore because I knew I didn't want to keep a promise like that, even make it in the first place. Why did I do it? And why was this so hard for me, when I knew we both didn't plan on falling in love with anyone let alone each other?
I wasn't breathing evenly, and I was trying to keep my spirit up until I got distracted. Something was tapping on my window. The pink curtains were in the way so I couldn't see what was making the noise, but I decided not to move. Then it started banging, really soft at first but as the seconds went by it began to get louder. I ran over towards it, and cautiously brushed them to the side, seeing a reflection of somebody who was standing outside.
I almost screamed until I covered my mouth, jumping backwards nearly falling onto my bed. The banging stopped, and my heart slowed down, and I got the courage to see who it was. I slid the window open slowly until the intruder's hand caught my wrist. This time I screamed, as they climbed inside and crawled on top of me.
"Hey," he laughed, as I realized it was Jake.
"You're such a jerk," I scowled, pushing him off of me as he sat into my pink chair. I just decided to lie on my bed while he made himself comfortable.
"I know I am," he said, out of breath.
"What are you doing?"
"I wanted to talk to you," he whispered, clearing his throat.
"And you couldn't have knocked on my door like a normal person?" I asked, as he laughed hysterical.
"I did knock. I knocked on your window." He smiled widely like a little boy.
"Yeah which completely scared the crap out of me."
"Too much info," he complained.
I finally realized how dirty he was, with holes in his shirt and black paint-like goo covering his legs and arms. "What in the name of God is all over your body?"
"Oh," he said, shrugging. "We were playing manhunt."
"Who were you even with?" I giggled.
"Devin, Scotty, like ten other kids we didn't know, and Alex came at the last minute," he said quickly.
My heart dropped. "Alexander?" I asked amazed. "Alex Sheffield?"
"Yeah," he smiled, excited for some odd reason.
"He was playing with you guys?"
"Nah. He was just walking by on his way back to his crib when he saw me."
"So you started talking?" I asked, my nerves kicking in.
"A little bit," he said quietly.
"About what?"
"Why do you care so much?"
I didn't really know. "I don't," I lied.
He smiled as he dug for something in his front pocket. "Here," he said, handing me a chain of some sort.
"It's my necklace," I gasped, grabbing it, beyond confused. I searched around my neck and it wasn't there.
"Yeah."
"It must have fallen off," I whispered, more to myself then to him.
"That's what he told me."
I looked up at him and wanted to know everything. "Tell me exactly what he said," I ordered.
He laughed awkwardly. "Okay, you're acting all weird now," he said slowly.
"Jake," I moaned. "Please."
"Wait," he said, dragging out the word.
My eyes widened in suspense. "What?"
"Does my little sis have a crush?"
"On who?" I said, trying not to cave in.
"Come on. Tell me. Do you have the hots for Alex?" he laughed.
I couldn't help it, so I cracked. I smiled anxiously. "Yes," I whispered.
"No way," he said, throwing up his hands as he flew onto my bed. He sat down next to me and stared blankly, almost waiting.
"Yeah way," I said carefully.
"I'm gunna tell him," he said quickly.
My face turned beat red, I could see in the mirror. "Jacob," I growled. "Seriously, don't say anything," I whispered. "To anyone."
"Come on," he argued.
"You're my brother," I said softly. "Please don't tell anyone."
"Why?"
"Because we need to keep it as a secret for a little while."
He frowned for a second until I gave him the puppy dog face. "Fine," he gave in.
"Thanks bro," I said, punching him in the arm.
"I won't say anything to anyone," he said, heading towards my door. "But only if you tell me what really happened."
What did he mean? "I don't understand," I said, looking down at the small locket dangled in my fingers.
"Something definitely happened," he said, his back against my door.
"Nope," I denied. "I don't know what you're trying to get at."
"He came over to me and was like 'hey do you mind giving this to Rosie for me', and I was like 'yeah man sure thing'. And he started walking away and I was like 'where'd you find it'?"
"And?" I interrupted him.
"And he told me on his way walking back into the woods he saw it shining in the moonlight on the ground or some bullshit like that," he guessed.
"It's not bullshit," I smiled. "It's sweet."
"Why would he be walking from our house?" he smirked. "I got you."
"Okay," I sighed. "You caught me. I snuck out because I needed to see him," I whispered. "Well, I didn't need to, but I wanted to. He was on my mind and I felt like being a rebel so I left."
"But you're grounded," he snarled, really loud.
"Shh," I hissed. "Mom will hear you."
"You pulled it off?"
"Yeah. Don't tell her," I begged.
"I wouldn't snitch on you, relax. Now tell me what happened."
"But you have a big mouth and I can't let anyone find out. We probably won't be able to tell anyone, at least not yet."
"You like your best friend's brother?" he asked loudly.
"Will you shut up?" I whispered. "Yes. I didn't know they were related until after he picked me up one day."
"Picked you up?"
"He has a car," I told him.
"Lucky bastard," he frowned, pounding the wall.
"Stop it," I whined.
"Fine, sorry. Keep going then."
"I walked to his house and saw him sitting near a fire pit," I explained quietly. "And he was alone, so I walked over to him and we started talking."
"About what? How you want to get freaky with him?" he laughed.
"You're being obnoxious," I said, irritated.
"I know. I'm mad high, sorry. Keep talking," he said, now whispering.
I took a deep breath. "I kind of told him how I really felt about him. I don't know why but I just couldn't keep it a secret anymore." I hesitated. "We were about to kiss and then Stephanie saw me."
"Did she flip?"
"No, Jake. She didn't see us, we moved away from each other as fast as we could. I told her that I was looking for her," I bit my lip, scared of his reaction.
"So you lied to your best friend," he laughed.
"It isn't funny! And I couldn't tell her. Not like that. It wasn't the right time."
"So," he shrugged, confused.
"She was going to walk me back home but then Alex told her he'd do it. And, she was actually fine with it."
"She has no idea, does she?" he asked quietly.
I slowly shook my head. "No."
"What happened when you got back here?"
I let out another deep breath as he stared at me. "He kissed me," I whispered.
He smiled. "Really?"
"Yeah," I smiled with him, shy, happy, and in disbelief all at the same time.
"Was there tongue involved?"
I let my jaw fall. "Can you act mature for once? The one boy I absolutely have the biggest crush on just kissed me. And I mean really kissed me."
"Good for you," he said quietly. "I'm glad."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Why are you buggin out?"
"Because I don't want to scare him away," I admitted.
"If he kissed you then it was because he wanted to," he told me.
"Which means?"
"Which means that he likes you just as much as you like him," he guessed.
"I'm really scared," I told him.
"Of what?"
"I just feel like there's something he's not telling me," I frowned. "Something serious. I think he's hiding something from me."
"Maybe," he shrugged. "Who cares? The boy you like actually likes you back," he said, almost yelling it out. "Make the best of it."
"Shut up," I groaned, as our mother knocked on the door.
"Who's in there?" she asked me.
"It's just Jake," I laughed, as he opened the door, still staring at me.
"Don't," was all I said to him.
Finally he nodded, and began to walk away until our mom touched his arm.
"What is that," she said, disgusted, as she examined the blackness that was now on her finger.
"Spray paint," he smiled. "I was playing manhunt with my boys."
"Your boys, huh?"
He frowned, and nodded. "Yeah, my friends," he reworded it for her.
"Take a shower and get to bed," she said.
"Yup." And he walked off into the bathroom.
She turned around to look at me, still suspicious. "Rosalie," she whispered to me.
I froze, still on my bed. "Yeah?"
"I love you," she said.
"I love you too," I whispered, and then she closed my door silently.
I looked back down at the necklace my father had given me, and almost wanted to cry. I wasn't sad though. I just missed him, the old him. I was thankful Alex had found it for me, or I would have been depressed and miserable without it for the rest of eternity.
I decided I was just going to go to bed, so I turned out the light and laid awake for what felt like hours. I couldn't stop replaying the whole night over and over again in my head. I couldn't believe how amazing everything was finally turning out to be. I actually had hope. I had faith, in my whole life, and I was ready to let God take everything I worry about into his own hands.
I opened the locket and even though my room was pitch black I could still see the tiny picture carefully placed inside. I kind of missed my dad. That was when I couldn't take it anymore. I closed it tightly, and rolled to the side until my feet touched the ground, lightly, so nobody would know I was still awake.
I walked over to my dresser and turned on my little pink light, so that I would be able to see some of the things around me. I grabbed the phone and stared at it silently, biting my nails for a while, and then cracking my knuckles and stretching out my arms. I was trying to gain the courage to do what I have been wanting to do ever since the day my mother had told me the truth about this whole divorce.
I was going to call my father. I finally picked it up, easily, and dialed the numbers as slowly as my fingers would let me. I placed it to my ear, and listened carefully, almost getting to the voice mail until he answered.
"Hello," he said, sounding very tired, almost too tired.
"Hey dad," I said, my voice hoarse and my throat so dry I could barely swallow.
"Rosalie?" he asked, sounding really frightened, and surprised for some reason. "What's wrong?"
This struck me as odd. "What's, wrong?" I echoed. "Nothing is wrong. Well, actually a lot is wrong, obviously," I babbled, letting out a deep breath and falling down into the chair in the corner of my bedroom.
"Oh. Then why are you calling?" he rephrased his question, making my stomach turn upside down.
"What do you mean, why am I calling?" I asked him, my tone begging him to stop being so heartless.
"It's pretty late, Rose," he informed me.
"Yes dad I know it's late." I wanted to scream at him, no, I wanted to hang up, but I couldn't.
"Is everything alright?" he asked after a long awkward moment of silence.
"Not really," I admitted, waiting for the tears to come to my eyes, but they didn't.
"Oh," he said, mumbling something, although I knew it wasn't to me.
"What? I didn't hear you," I told him.
"Um, no, I wasn't talking to you," he stated. "Is there anything else?"
"Huh?"
"Is there any reason why you're calling? I have to make a phone call," he explained. "It's important."
"And I'm not?" I asked him.
"You are. What is it? Want to hurry up?"
"Yeah," I said, getting the guts to tell him how I felt. "Why are you such a scum bag?"
I could hear him gasp for air through the receiver. "Excuse me?" he demanded.
"You heard what I said, Paul," I barked, hoping my mom wouldn't hear me.
"Paul? What the hell is going on with you?" he asked, his voice harsh as could be.
"Me?" I laughed, water eventually coming to my eyes. "What about you? You're a lying, cheater," I snapped, kicking the wall and biting my tongue so I would say nothing more.
He was extremely quiet for a very long time. "Rose," he whispered, almost sounding aggravated.
"Paul," I hissed.
"When did she tell you?" he asked me, drilling a hole in my heart.
"Is that really all you care about right now?" I nearly yelled, covering my mouth afterward, but then not caring because I knew it was too late.
"What?" he asked, until I spoke up too soon for him to finish his sentence.
"You aren't even going to say you're sorry? You lied to me, dad, you used me! You told me it was her, but it was you," I said, starting to cry.
"Let me explain," he said loudly.
"No way! She is the mother of your children, you son of a bitch! And you go and cheat on her, just like that? What, is that little whore good at screwing you?" I dared to say. "I can't believe you would do this to your family!"
"Stop it," he snapped, making my head ache.
"No you fucking stop it! I hate you," I yelled, standing up and pushing over my chair. "I hate you!"
"Rosalie," he rushed out, until I slammed the phone against the wall, my face against the wall as well.
"I hate you," I cried, over and over again, even though the phone was now on the hardwood floor, the batteries somewhere on the ground while I flew onto my bed and screamed into my pillow.
I cried for a good ten minutes, but I had to admit, it felt really good. It felt amazing, actually. I was so proud of myself, even if I was a little too vulgar with him. I didn't care to be honest. He deserved it. He deserved all those swears being thrown at him, and all the names too, but most of all he deserved the truth. I hated him, and that was just the way it was. I hated him for putting us into this kind of situation. I hated him for not caring about his kids, and ex wife. Ex? Ugh, I hated that. I hated how depressing that sounded, it nearly dug a hole deep into my chest.
I was so happy that I stuck up for my mom. I cried out of happiness at the end of my tantrum, because of how good I was at hitting the spot nobody dared to cross. I hit him right in the heart, and that was what kept me breathing at this moment. It was the fact that after all of the pain I was going through, and all of the suffering and sadness that was taking over my body, it just wasn't going to win.
I wasn't going to let this tear me apart anymore. I wouldn't ever speak to him again, not even for money, or anything else anyone would like to offer me. I didn't want to hear his voice. I didn't want to even think about what he looked like. I hated that man with all of my strength. If anything, I just wanted him to fall off the face of the earth for the rest of my life.
And right at that second, my heart sank, and I remembered Alexander's fierce statement.
"Hate is a strong word," he had told me.
And that's when I realized, that even though I didn't want to admit it, he was right.
Could I really hate him, after loving him unconditionally for the past 16 years?
And then I fell asleep, trying my best to figure out the answer. If only I knew it.