Jefferson Blake prides himself on his honesty. Ask him a question and he will answer it.
So, why is it so hard to tell his literal boyfriend the truth? Why can't he say what's on his mind?
To his fans, he's entirely transparent. Ask and they shall receive. Granted, since he started dating Harvey, he's learnt the meaning of boundaries, even if his definition is still a little bit loose. But he's improving!
The irony of the situation is not lost on him, he tried show Harvey why transparency with his fans was important to him, and now that his boyfriend is asking for the same transparency that Jeff fought tooth and nail for, he isn't half as forthcoming to him as he is towards complete strangers.
A hypocrite.
He's a hypocrite.
A self-aware one at that.
But what is he to do? The truth... the truth is embarrassing at best.
Because how does he tell the love of his life that he doesn't think he can survive without the approval of his fans. That he might be so reliant on the opinion of others that there isn't much he wouldn't do outside of a literal crime.
And it's not a desire to be liked, but a fear of the consequences of being hated.
During the cheating scandal, before the photos, he was so preoccupied with keeping his fans happy that he took for granted Harvey's complete trust in him.
All it took was a phone call and a bit of reassurance to cause Harvey to demonstrate his feelings.
And perhaps that's where the problem lies.
Jeff has Harvey, completely. He was lucky enough to find a person who would do anything for who they love, who he loves back in tenfold. But Harvey's willingness to adapt, to compromise, meant that Jeff got used to the ease of it all.
And Jeff knows that that's on him. He got complacent, knowing that Harvey would cover up a murder for him. He never once thought about how the brunet actually felt while Jeff essentially walked all over him.
God, I feel like an asshole.
"I could kill you." A voice says from behind him, low, menacing, with a strong British accent, warm breath tickling Jeff's neck, "I could pierce your neck in exactly the right spot. Instant, no blood, no fuss. There's a river down the street. How long do you think it'll take for the current to take you out to sea? A day? Half? No time at all, honestly. I could do it easily."
"Luke. A pleasure as always." Jefferson says, attempting to sound casual, even though he's very much afraid of Luke's murder capabilities.
"I would say the same, but I'd rather gouge my eyes out with spoons than look at you right now."
"Then why are you here?"
"To take Harvey. He shouldn't have to spend any time with you while you're treating him like a third-wheel to your relationship with your fans." Luke spits, turning away from Jeff and heading towards the main bedroom of the apartment.
"Woah, woah, woah, aren't you mad about..." Jeff grabs his arm then gestures to the TV which is still displaying the same news story, "... that?"
"Did you cheat on him?"
"Well, no-"
"Then that's settled." Luke shrugs, turning again.
"Wait! You believe me? Just like that? Just because I said so?" The celebrity asks, grateful.
"Of course not, idiot." The brit rolls his eyes, "Harvey told me, quite adamantly."
"And you believe him?"
"He wouldn't lie. Not about this." Luke says steadily, his eyes holding Jeff's gaze. "But he's still upset... any idea why?"
It's a rhetorical question, Jefferson can tell. The words Luke says are no indication of the thoughts in his head. He wants Jeff to tell him everything.
Luke used to rub Jeff the wrong way. Model good looks, sexy British accent, sharp like a whip. He was the type of person to bring out all of your insecurities just by existing in the same space as you. It's weird to say, since Jefferson is literally a superstar, but he felt threatened by Luke, honestly.
But that went away when they became pseudo-friends (because the boyfriend of your boyfriend's best friend can't really be called your friend, can he?).
Either way, Luke is an integral part of their friendship dynamic. A voice of reason, a perfect counteraction to his own boyfriend, who is overthinking personified.
Perhaps that's why Jefferson is considering telling him everything.
"Stop thinking and tell me." Luke prompts, "I'm losing braincells watching you trying to come up with excuses."
Jefferson sighs, his floppy red curls dancing in the air with the force of the breath exiting his mouth. He glances toward the bedroom door, where his sweet, considerate boyfriend is sleeping... or crying his eyes out. It's anyone's guess which one.
"It's.... It's just like you said." Jeff says, demeanour softening.
"When? I said a lot." The blond questions, hyperaware of the change in atmosphere.
"About... Harvey third wheeling." Comes the mumbled reply. Jeff is struggling to look at Luke directly. Instead, his light eyes are fixed onto the city skyline. It's night-time, so he can clearly see the shine of Luke's coffee brown eyes in the reflection of the window. It's not far off from the colour of Harvey's eyes; dark, just as intense, and – to Jefferson at least – twice as beautiful.
God, it feels like Harvey is everywhere.
At Luke's heavy, pointed silence, Jefferson inhales, turns away from the window, and exhales.
"My whole life.... My whole life, all that's mattered is how I'm presented." He confesses, mouth twitching slightly, "I was always taught that it didn't matter who I was, or what I did, as long as I can present it in the correct way. That's why I was so comfortable coming out. As long as I was in control of how people perceived me, my sexuality wouldn't be an issue."
Jeff can tell that Luke wants to speak, add insight like he always does. But the blond stays quiet, sensing that there's more for Jefferson to say.
"After coming out, I expected support, for sure. But I didn't expect... this." Jeff gestures aimlessly, "My fans loved that I came out. And sure, we can argue the morality of my worth doubling just because I'm dating a guy... but I can't deny that it feels good."
"What does?" Luke asks, out of a need for clarity more than anything.
"Being invincible." Jeff shrugs, "I could do no wrong. Loving Harvey, being with him publicly... it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not only is he my soulmate, but he's loved by my fans. It's a win-win situation. Nothing in my life has ever worked out so seamlessly before."
"If it's a win-win situation, then why is Harvey in his room crying?"
The actor frowns, heart clenching at the mental image that's been playing in his head all evening.
"These past two years... being with Harvey, have been the ultimate high." He says, then pouts, "But you know the thing about highs; you'll do anything to stop yourself from coming down."
Luke is silent, contemplating Jefferson's words. For the first time in a long while, he's completely stumped. He has no idea what the star is getting at.
"Harvey loves me. I know that. And I trust him to tell me the minute he stops. But... my fans? That's where the fear sets in."
Oh.
And suddenly, Luke sees Jefferson entirely differently. Where there was once a warm, goofy, gentle giant, now stands a cutthroat, pure showbiz, celebrity.
"He's crying because he knows." The blond says quietly, mouth closing to form a thin line.
Jefferson's eyes find Luke's, still kind, and warm, but now the brit can notice the desperation which fills them, "Knows what?"
"That even if your heart belongs to him, everything else belongs to millions of strangers aroundthe world. What's the point in loving a person when they've sold their soul to the masses?"
"That's not why he's upset! He knows how I feel about him? I've shown him!" The redhead raises his voice slightly, offended at the very suggestion that he wouldn't move heaven and earth for the man he loves.
"Oh yeah? And how the hell is he supposed to know what's real and what's just fan service?!" Luke matches his tone, "Everything you do has a camera in front of it! You can't spend five minutes to yourselves before your business is plastered on the timeline!"
"You don't know what you're talking about." Jefferson growls.
"Of course, I don't." Luke says sarcastically, "Tell me Jefferson Blake, what do you think is wrong with Harvey? I'd love to know what's going on in that fucked up head of yours."
"He's mad at the lies, obviously! We promised each other that we would be honest with our feelings, with our struggles. And I've been hiding my feelings. He probably feels hurt by that."
"You're an idiot if you think Harvey can't see right through you. You haven't been hiding a damn thing, Jefferson!" Luke shoves his shoulder, just hard enough to make the taller man jerk, "Your behaviour has made it abundantly clear where Harvey stands in your list of priorities."
"Harvey is my only priority!" Jefferson shouts.
"Am I?"
The room is plunged into silence. The awful, soul-sucking kind, where any and every sound only serves as a catalyst for fear.
"Harv-" Luke begins to say, but is interrupted by Harvey's raised hand.
"It's okay, Luke, I can handle it myself." The brunet says, attempting to sound confident, but failing when his voice comes out in barely a whisper.
"Are you sure you don't wanna come with me? Chris has vodka on standby."
Harvey smiles weakly, glad to have such attentive friends, "I'm sure. I'll call you if I need you."
"Promise?" Luke double checks, walking tentatively toward to door.
"I promise." His friend nods, smiling encouragingly as he watches him exit the apartment.
Behind Harvey, Jefferson stands sheepish, as anxious to speak to him as he is apprehensive.
"Did... Did you hear all of that?" He asks, knowing the answer, but hoping by some miracle he might be wrong.
Harvey turns, his shoulders visibly moving with the weight of his sigh. He doesn't reply; only offers his boyfriend a stiff nod, then moves past him to the open plan kitchen, where he pours himself a glass of tap-water.
"Do you wanna... talk about it?"
"About the lies, or their content?"
"Uh. All of it?" Jeff blinks a couple times, face doing that adorable thing it does when he's overwhelmed. It's a shame it does little to soften the blow of what Harvey was just privy to.
Harvey nods, then settles into a stool at the breakfast bar, and takes a long, measured drink of his water.
"Okay, Jefferson." He says, "Let's talk."
A/N: Oh boy I'm so bad at keeping track of this!
Halfway through the chapter I got stuck and had no idea where I was going with the story. I have some sort of idea now so I'm back on track!
Please please bear with me! I've had such a busy month, plus I have my exam in just over a week so I'm procrastinating my procrastination at the moment.
I'll try and get another chapter written this week, but I'm definitely not making promises. Don't hesitate to shoot me a messsage to get me going though!
Serena x