I don't remember coming in here. Honestly, the last few hours have all been a blur of shock and pain. I sit behind Mason's desk in the office and stare out into space as everyone who followed me in here talks amongst themselves.
Brandon is standing closest to me, I can feel the worry rolling off him in waves. I have no doubt his eyes have not left me since I sat down. Aiden is sitting on the couch, his eyes shifting between everyone in the room. The tension in his shoulders is impossible to miss. Jason showed up with the rest of our cars along with Ace. Randy and Ace fill out the people in the room. I know I need to snap out of this so I can figure out what needs to happen next. Ace is standing in the back corner, eyes on me with a serious expression. Randy is standing next to Jason, talking softly but I can see his eyes on me as well.
It's like everyone is waiting for me to snap. Not that I can blame them. The hole in my chest has expanded and at this point I don't know if it will stop until it consumes me. The darkness would be welcome if it would only stop the never ending pain.
"Alaina," Randy calls as he takes a seat in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. Numbly my eyes move to his but I have trouble holding his stare as the same amber eyes as Mason stare back at me. I move my attention to his forehead instead. I hear him sigh but he continues, "I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through right now, but we have to talk about what needs to happen now."
"You mean me taking over the pack," I mumble. My voice even sounds dead to my own ears, I can only imagine what it sounds like to them.
"You don't have to take over immediately," Jason interjects as he steps up beside Randy's chair. "You would have plenty of help here. You wouldn't be alone in any of this."
"She just found out she lost her mate, she's pregnant, and all you lot can think about is her taking over the pack," Ace scoffs from his corner. My eyes shift to his in surprise. Besides him being good friends with Mason, I was still shocked when he followed us all in here. After he delivered the worst news of my life, I figured he'd be heading back to his own territory to deal with the losses of his own people.
"Ace," Randy warns.
"What?" He pushes off the wall and walks closer. Aiden's eyes follow him closely, but he keeps his mouth shut. "If you're about to tell me this isn't my business, you're right. But Mason was one of my best friends, one of my oldest friends, and I just had to deliver the news that he's gone to his mate. If I'm feeling this loss, I can't even imagine what she," he nods his head in my direction, "is feeling right now. And you two just want to jump right into her taking over the entire pack."
"Stay the fuck out of it Ace," Jason growls as he steps closer to Ace.
"We are not saying that, Ace, but you know as well as anyone that something has to be done. This pack just lost their Alpha, they are going to need stability to lean on and the only stability they have is their Luna. We are not about to just throw her into it without assisting her, but we have to do something before the pack descends into a state of panic," Randy tries to explain gently. The calmness from him should be comforting. He just lost his son and he's not slowly falling into a pit of despair... like I currently am.
"You aren't part of this," Jason seethes, his glare hardening further. "You may have been a friend of Mason's," I flinch at his name, "but you weren't here with us. Mason would not want her sitting around letting this loss consume her! The pack needs her right now, and she needs the pack!"
"That's not up to you to decide what she needs," Ace speaks lowly.
Jason's growl vibrates off the walls as he takes yet another step towards Ace. He's awfully brave. Beta or not he would never stand a chance against Ace. Ace may be smaller than Mason in height, he makes up for it in the size of his muscles. Alpha in him or not, I'd have no doubt he could hold his own in a fight.
"Enough!" I speak into the room. All eyes come to me. The room seems to shrink as I shift my eyes from each of them to the other. "Everyone leave the room."
Randy, Ace, and Jason all move towards the door without another word or backwards glance. I look over at Brandon and Aiden as they remain in their places. I sigh and shake my head at them. Aiden hesitantly climbs off the couch and heads towards the door. He stops and looks back at Brandon with raised eyebrows. I look up at Brandon beside me and nod my head at him. He follows after Aiden with one last look at me before pulling the door shut.
As soon as I hear the click, I finally let the tears fall. I lean back in the chair and let the sorrow consume me. Coming in here was a bad idea, but it was easier than going upstairs to our bedroom. I know I'm going to have to do it eventually, but as I looked at the stairs I felt as if my feet were suddenly nailed to the floor. I do my best to stifle my sobs as I wrap my arms around myself.
He's gone.
I look around the room that my mate spent so much time in. His scent is still everywhere. My wolf whimpers softly, but the fact that she's still present in my mind is something I'm grateful for. Losing Mason is going to be hard enough, especially with the baby, but if I had lost my wolf too... I don't think I would have survived.
"I don't know how I'm going to do this without you," I whisper into the air. More tears fall as I close my eyes. If I think hard enough, I can see him standing right there in front of me. "You promised me you were going to come home. You promised me that this was all going to be over, and you were going to come home so we can finally settle down and live our lives together. How am I supposed to do anything without you?
"Growing up I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I was just another wolf being trained to become a pawn in Dylan's game. Then I found you and I found my home. I fell in love with you and I fell in love with the people in our pack. But now you're gone and I can't even breathe. I can't live without you. I don't want to." I sniffle as I open my eyes and see him standing in the room with me. I gasp at the sight of him. I know he's not really here, but the image of him that I see is not what I want to see. Dirty from fighting, blood splattered on his face and dripping from his claws. But it's the giant red stain on his chest that sends me into hysterics.
No. I don't want to see this. I can't. I will forever curse the words that Ace said to me. As much as I needed to know what happened to him, I will never be able to unsee what I'm seeing right now. The stab wound in my mate's chest is not something I will ever forget. Part of me wishes I never knew what really happened. I close my eyes tight and shake my head to rid myself of the image. Thankfully, when I open them again the image of Mason is gone. But unfortunately, the image of Mason is gone.
I'm not sure which hurts more.
Seeing him hurt like that, or not seeing him at all.
Is this what I'm to be plagued with for the rest of my life? Ghosts of my mate haunting me for the rest of my life? I push back my sobs as I consider that for a few minutes. I think... I think I could live with it. Seeing him hurts, but if it's the one thing I can hold onto for Everleigh, then I'll have to endure it. At least I hope I can.
I hear the muffled voices on the other side of the door. I should have known that just because I sent them out of the room, they wouldn't have gone far. The thought of them sticking close would warm my heart if it wasn't already frozen over right now. I hear the sound of a landed blow followed by a low growl. I want to roll my eyes. It's what I would have done before. But I can already feel the person I was before slipping away. From the second that pain spread over my chest the person I was started slipping away. Almost like the pain was burning me out. I don't know who I will be now, but what I do know is that is not something I'm ready to deal with just yet.
'Randy, I need you to come in here please. Just you,' I speak to Randy through our mindlink. I sit there quietly as I listen to the sound of protests from the hallway. Randy's authoritative voice booms and the protests stop. His tall frame comes through the door and quietly shuts the door behind him. I drop my gaze to his chest, unable to stare at his face. He looks too much like Mason for me to handle right now. "Please sit down," I whisper as I keep my eyes averted.
"I know this is hard for you, Alaina. I want you to know that whatever it is that you need we will figure it out. The pack needs stability right now, especially when word gets out that Mason..." he trails off with pain in his eyes. I should feel selfish for wallowing in my pain when he lost his son, but I can't bring myself to care at the moment.
"It's good you're saying that, Randy," I speak softly. "I know it may be asking too much of you, and of Emma right now, but I can't take over the pack right now." He nods his head slightly but keeps quiet. "It's just, I'm already dying inside without him here. I cannot be the person this pack looks to right now."
"Alaina, this pack needs you."
"But right now, as selfish as it may make me, I need myself." Randy raises his eyebrows. "I'm barely holding myself together, and by barely I pretty much mean I'm not."
"Sweetheart," he whispers as he reaches for my hand. I let him take my hand in his, the numbness spreading further through me.
"I..." I pause and lick my lips as I contemplate what I need to say. "I just wanted to ask you if you and Jason could watch after the pack for the time being. This pain is too much and as much as I would love to crawl into a ball and just forget the world ever existed because in my mind and in my heart it doesn't anymore. The only thing that is going to pull me out of this, if I can ever pull myself out of this, is this baby. I need to focus on that right now. On her. I can't handle the pack right now."
He sighs and stands up from the chair. I watch him walk around the desk and kneel down in front of me. He rests a hand gently against my belly and looks up at me. I force myself to keep his eyes as I wait for his response. I'm being selfish. I know this could easily lead to the pack hating me. Not only have I caused problems the entire time I've been here, I'm now the sole reason their Alpha is gone. The stability they need, it's not going to come from me. Especially if I'm not even stable to begin with.
"I will take care of the pack," he states, pulling me from my thoughts. "But this won't be forever. You will pull yourself out of this, I know you will because you have to. This pack needs you, and that little girl will need you too." I close my eyes and sigh. "As long as you need me, I will be here. You just take care of yourself and come back to all of us."
I nod my head slightly as he stands up and leaves me alone in the office. I stare at the door, and I feel a tug on our bond. I wince and fight to catch my breath. I close my eyes and do my best to fight off my tears. How can he be gone when I can still feel him? This is so much more than my wolf holding on because Everleigh is all that's left of Mason. I close my eyes tighter and reach down the bond. Feeling him, but knowing he's gone, knowing he's not coming back...
That's worse than any pain I've ever felt before. The only thing I can keep a hold of right now is the fact that I don't have to worry about the pack right now. I love each and every member of this pack, deep down I know that I do. I just can't bring myself to care right now.