I Never Knew that I will Love you (Written on March 15 2015)
This is Inspired from the song Eight Hundred by Hatsune Miku and a tumblr post by the user 'radassghost' that made me cry internally!!! (I HATE YOU TUMBLR).
Summary: It's Phil's funeral and this is Dan's Eulogy and his thoughts.
[A/N: Due to the rating of the book... Words have to be censored. Another thing... Bring out a pack of tissues cuz you will seriously cry (especially if you listen to Eight Hundred (English Piano Cover) on YouTube)]
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The church started to fill up as friends and family started to gather together in this sad event as Phil Lester... Died. I saw everything... I was there when the incident happened. We were just at Starbucks till some guy came and scaring the s*** out of everyone. But luckily for Phil, when the guy was busy with something, Phil managed to let everyone out... But him dying was the price.
I was there when I saw it. I was there when that bullet hit him. The killer became insane and killed himself in the process. However... Phil didn't survived the shot and I cried because he died a hero... In an incident that should have never happened.
I was there... And now... We are here.
I was sitting at the front along with Phil's family, Cat, Aled from the BBC and a few other of my friends. My face was looking at the ground, upset and still traumatised for what happened. People are telling me its ok... He save people from that event... He's a hero...
But he was my hero...
I was now called out to do a eulogy for Phil. I was called out first because I was the last person who was with the boy and they knew that what I saw that day... It will help set the mood. I went out of my seat and as i walked up, I see Phil's body just sleeping there in the coffin... Never to be awaken. I face the people in the church with a sheet of paper on my hand. I adjusted the mic and took a deep breath.
Everything I say today is nothing but the truth
As for this moment... I cannot lie... Not anymore.
I am different from most people... I rather be alone to be with friends,
I rather have nobody than to have somebody to hurt me.
My life has been a huge contrast to everyone else.
I'm not as good as my brother and my friends rather be with someone else...
And i used to believe that I was created to be alone.
But thats when I met Phil...
We just met due to a YouTube comment and his presence makes me happy.
He helped expand my creativity and I am grateful that we met, that we became best friends...
But i still believed that I'm that nobody.
Then we moved together.
Phil found it amazing that we now live together but I found it nothing.
I felt nothing when we decided to live together as I just found it as a way for us to spend more time together.
There were time when he would be clingy to me. Hug me and such. I found it first uncomfortable but I didnt know that it was his way to show affection to the people close to him...
Especially me...
Then 2010 came and Phil gave me the link to the Valentines Day video. Thats when he first said it to me... When he said those 3 words next to my name...
I love You Dan.
I didn't respond back. I just found it cute but that cuteness lead to suspicion to the Phandom that i have to write a long argument that I don't love Phil and never will...
... That's because I never did.
Phil is my friend and I'm just that nobody!
'I will never say those words to him' I told myself but that didnt stop Phil.
Thats when I started to hate him...
Every waking moment, Phil is just looking at me with those eyes of his and I just ignored it.
Whenever he hugs me or looks at me at the other side of the couch, i know he awaits for my response...
But i just Ignored it...
Then came the days when Phil said it to me in person.
I still remember that day... We rode the Manchester Eye for the last time before we moved to London...
We were at the top and the ride stop for a moment.
The sun was setting and he gave me a tighter hug.
'I love You Dan Howell' he said.
'Yeah right!' I responded.
'I really do and I will not stop till you say it back! Its been 2 years and I will keep on waiting' he cried.
'Then you just wasted 2 years for nothing' I answered.
'I love you! I love you! I love you! I lo-' he said with a childlike voice
Thats when I smacked Phil on his face just so he could shut up.
We were both shocked but we both apologized.
But that was the moment when Phil properly declared his love and I was rude to him!
There are times that I would question Phil...
Why is he still doing this? I told him that I'm not interested. That I'm ok being alone.
Even if Phil got the message that I will never love him back, it didnt stop his feelings for me.
Whenever he hears my stomach growling when I'm too lazy to move... He would immediately get up and fetch me something till when he returns... Seeing me having a pack of Malteasers.
I can sense it kills him that he knows that I don't need him that much.
Whenever i feel troubled about something at the middle of the night, whenever i go to his room...
He immediately response to me but its not the same way when he feels troubled.
There are times that when I fall asleep, I notice Phil just starring at me but hides behind my bedroom door.
Knowing that i don't feel the same way.
I was selfish... And Phil just somehow accepted it...
Out of the 7 billion people in this planet... I was the one that Phil chose to be with.
He's the guy who I can see, meet and talk to anytime I want...
Anytime I want...
Now... I just realised... everything that I used to believe back then has now become a lie.
Funny how the word believe has the word 'lie' in it. Because that how i feel right now...
A huge big liar...
I always hated Phil...
I hated how he treated me...
How he shares his affections with me...
I always believed that he's just teasing me... Just feeling pity for me.
But to be honest... I was grateful because no one has ever treated me like that.
Nobody has ever felt that way towards me.
I am grateful.
I was sacred to tell Phil that as I was ashamed on what I did to him in the Manchester Eye.
I was ashamed and scared that he would treat me differently.
I couldn't tell him...
So i had to lie and hide my true feelings just to feel secure.
I can hear him through the walls of our bedroom... Crying every night just because I don't feel the same way.
It hurts me that I'm the reason why I cause the people around me pain...
To my brother when a bunch of phan girls harassed him due my rep,
To my family because I get bullied a lot
To Phil...
It hurts me why someone like Phil would want someone like me.
I wish I would just die...
But I didn't... It was Phil... And he had to save the lives of dozens of people before he died by that maniac.
When i heard the gunshot... His screams... I ran back and saw him bleeding on the ground...
I held his hands as he took his final breath... Saying his last dying words...
'I love you Dan Howell... More than anything in the world... And I will wait till you say it back'.
His final words was his love for me and I couldn't answer back.
I didn't answer back when he was still alive.
All i did was cry as the boy lost his life.
I was a liar right until the end...
Everything I said will start and end with you...
Now... I stand here... With tears on my face...
And with my chest nearly grazed from the pain...
And my best friend... Sleeping in slumber...
I just to say.... I... I...
I couldn't do it... It was too much... I started to cry my heart off... I couldnt continue. A few my friends were about to come towards me but I ran out of the altar and went outside. I went to the gardens and I cried at the bench. I never cried this much as I used to but it just happened. And it hurts.
"Why?? Why was I too late to say my feeling towards you?" I cried. "I love you Phil! I f****** love you and I was a jerk not saying this to you! You didn't deserve to die without knowing if I loved you back! Because I do! I really do!"
All my feelings were a lie... I should have been honest with him. We could have been living our lives together but I was a liar until the end... Everything I have said... Everything that I have done... I was lying to myself and to Phil. I was lying to everyone and I f****** regret it. Suddenly... I felt a hug... It felt familiar...
Phil?
I looked to the left and there he was... A ghostly version of my dead best friend, with his head lying next to me. We then faced each other and had our first and final kiss.
And then he disappeared...
I cried... I lost him... He can no longer stay and it's unfair. Cat, Peej and Chris came to me and comforting me.., giving me a hug.
"It's ok Dan... We read the remaining of that eulogy..." PJ said. "It must be hard for you to say those last 3 words".
"I love him and he's now gone!" I cried. "And I will never see him again".
"He saved lives Dan... And one of them is yours" Cat said.
"But I lied to him..." I said. "I was a s***** friend to him and I hurt him for years!".
"But you really felt the same way towards him... You just were sacred to say it" Chris said.
I couldn't stop crying... Phil... I loved him... I always will... But what will happen to me now? Phil was part of my life for a very long time and it scares me that I will live in this world alone...
LATER THAT NIGHT
I walked to Phil's bedroom with flowers and cards placed around from friends, family and from the people who he saved that day. On this bed is his favourite t-shirt and skinny jeans with the lion plush toy on top of it. I then went to bed alone... Facing the door of my bedroom which is opened slightly... The same way how Phil would do it when he sneaks in to look at me sleeping. Now... It will no longer happen.
I closed my eyes and went to bed... With a final tear dropping from my eyes to the pillow where my head lies.
But what I didn't realise... A small glow came from the entrance from my bedroom and Phil's ghost came to watch me sleep for one last time. He felt my face and kissed me on the forehead before leaving me to sleep.