"Hmm..." I groaned and opened my eyes slowly.
My head feels heavy and my whole body is trembling unconsciously. I sighed and closed my eyes again, trying to remember what happened before this. I just bit my lower lip when I remembered that I suddenly jumped out of the water. Why am I here in this room again? Did Xanthos save me?
I just shook my head. Nah, it's impossible.
"Kiara."
Natigilan ako nang mapatingin sa tumawag sa 'kin. Lumapit sa 'kin si Denise at inabutan ako ng mangkok. Hindi ako nagsalita at tumingin lang sa kanya.
"Try this soup para mabawasan 'yung lamig na nararamdaman mo," sabi n'ya saka umupo sa tabi ko.
Bumangon ako at kinuha sa kanya 'yon ngunit hindi ako nagsalita. Iba na ang suot kong damit at tuyo na rin ako pero pakiramdam ko nilalamig pa rin ako. Kahit ayaw kong tumanggap ng tulong sa kanya, ayaw makisama ng katawan ko.
"I'm sorry about what happened. Sir Xanthos and I aren't in a relationship. Bukod sa hindi ko siya type, inutusan n'ya lang ako na gawin 'yon. Sorry, hindi ako makatanggi sa pera," sabi na lang n'ya saka napakamot sa batok n'ya.
I just stared at her. I don't want to trust her words. Halos lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay niloko lang ako dahil masyado akong mabilis mapaniwala... si Cadence, si Mom, at si Xanthos. Ayoko ng magpauto ulit sa kahit sino. I know I don't have any pride left in me, but I'll do my best to regain it.
My love for him will fade... but I shouldn't let my self-love fade too.
"Nakakainis talaga si Sir Xanthos, obvious naman na may feelings siya para sa 'yo pero todo deny siya sa sarili n'ya. Puro siya revenge revenge, feeling n'ya yata nasa movie siya o wattpad story. Gigil n'ya 'ko talaga. Kung ako sa'yo, tataguan ko 'yon ng anak," sunod-sunod na sabi ni Denise.
Napakunot na lang ang noo ko. I didn't know na ganito pala siya kadaldal.
"W-Wala kaming anak," sabi ko na lang habang nagtatakang nakatingin pa rin sa kanya.
"Eh? Malay mo buntis ka pala tapos syempre siya ang tatay. Kapag gano'n ang nangyari, pumunta ka sa ibang bansa tapos palakihin mo ang anak n'yo nang hindi alam ni Sir Xanthos. Tapos maghanap ka na rin ng ibang boyfriend, 'yung pogi rin saka mayaman para kapag nagkita uit kayo ni Sir, magselos siya nang sobra. Tapos makikita n'ya na kamukha n'ya 'yung tinagong mong anak at hahabulin ka n'ya pero hindi ka na babalik. Hay! Deserve n'ya talaga Witaguan ng anak, promise. Gago siya, legit na gago. Kung 'di lang talaga siya mayaman, malamang matagal na 'kong nag-resign," napapailing na dagdag pa ni Denise.
Hindi ko alam kung anong movie ang pinanood n'ya at ganyang kalawak ang imagination n'ya. Napailing na lang ako at muling humigop ng soup.
"Kiara, do you want me to kick his ass?" Denise asked, her face looks serious.
My forehead creased. "W-What the hell are you saying?"
"Basta bayaran mo 'ko, sisipain ko si Sir."
I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling. I never thought that Denise has a cute personality like this. She looks like a professional secretary every time I see her but now, she doesn't act like one. She acts like a close friend or something right now.
"I don't have money with me," I said and chuckled.
"Ay shet, ang ganda mo tumawa, Kiara. Medyo crush na kita." Kinurot n'ya ang pisngi ko. "Kaya talagang sure ako na may feelings sa 'yo si Sir Xanthos kasi kanina hindi maalis 'yung tingin n'ya sa 'yo habang wala kang malay tapos--"
"Denise, gusto mong isumbong kita kay Xanthos?"
Natigilan lang si Denise nang biglang sumulpot si Xceron. Napairap siya at napakamot sa batok n'ya.
"Badtrip amputa, wrong timing," bulong pa ni Denise.
Xceron smiled and leaned his back on the wall. I think this is the first time I saw him smile.
"Are you saying something, Denise?" Xceron asked and raised an eyebrow.
"Wala po, Sir. Ang sabi ko po h'wag assumera si Kiara dahil walang feelings sa kanya si Sir Xanthos at h'wag n'yang taguan ng anak si Sir kung sakaling buntis siya kagaya ng sa wattpad," sunod-sunod na sabi ni Denise saka dali-daling tumayo.
Napailing na lang ako nang agad na kumaripas ng alis si Denise sa kwarto. Kami na lang ang naiwan ni Xceron.
"Are you okay now, North girl?" Xceron asked and sat on the couch.
My forehead furrowed. "Please just call me Kiara."
Xceron nodded. "Okay, North girl."
I just bit my lower lip to control my temper. I suddenly want to kick his ass instead of Xanthos' right now.
"Don't worry, I'll find a way to get you out of here," he said and crossed his arms.
Confusion filled my eyes. "Bakit mo 'ko tutulungan?"
Xceron shrugged. "Labas ka sa galit ko. I want to kill your father right now but you're not him," he said.
Saglit akong natahimik, wala akong balak paniwalaan ang sinabi n'ya o pagkatiwalaan siya pero sa ngayon wala akong magagawa kundi ang pakinggan siya.
"Xanthos doesn't think the same way," I muttered and avoided his gaze.
"Xanthos' case is different, North girl. He saw everything with his own eyes. He saw something tragic at a young age that your father and grandfather caused. I can't do anything about his rage and hatred. I want to make your father suffer too but Xanthos... he's too blinded by it. To be honest, I just want to kill your father immediately because I want Xanthos to be free." He sighed and leaned his back on the backrest.
"A-Ano ba'ng ginawa nila sa inyo? Ano'ng ginawa ni Dad at ng lolo ko para magkaganito kayo?"
Hindi sumagot si Xceron at seryosong tumingin sa 'kin.
"Mas maganda kung hindi mo na lang alam. Just forget everything about Xanthos once you escaped here. You'll live better if you don't know. Trust me," he said in a serious tone.
I bit my lower lip and gripped the spoon on my hand. I really want to know everything. I don't want to remain clueless forever. I won't be able to live normally again after this anyway. Why can't he just tell me about it?
Galit ako kay Xanthos ngayon, galit na galit ako sa kanya pero gusto ko pa ring malaman ang dahilan kung bakit n'ya ginagawa 'to. Ayokong magalit sa kanya nang walang alam... gusto kong magalit sa kanya na alam ko ang dahilan n'ya.
"We're killers, North girl. We blindly killed a lot of people to get here. But Xanthos did a lot of things that are even too much for you to imagine to get here. He lost himself in the process... Do you think he's a monster?"
Hindi ako nakasagot sa tanong n'ya.
"Yes, he's a monster, North girl... but I don't need that heartless monster, I just need my brother back."
I can feel the sadness in Xceron's voice. I don't want to trust him or his words because Xanthos seems sincere too when he fooled me. But Xceron looks like he's really yearning for his brother.
"Kainin mo na 'yan bago lumamig," pag-iiba ni Xceron sa usapan saka itinuro ang mangkok na hawak ko. Napatikhim na lang ako saka tumango.
Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko ngayon. Ang dami kong gustong malaman, pero natatakot ako na baka hindi ko kayanin ang malalaman ko.
* * *
"Why are you here again?"
Ngumiti nang matamis si Denise sa 'kin saka nag-peace sign. Natigilan na lang ako nang basta na lang siya humiga sa tabi ko.
"Hayaan mo siya, busy sina Sir Xanthos sa pag-e-emote sa labas. Saka nabo-boringan na kaya ako sa pagmumukha ni Sir. Nakakaurat kaya siya, pakipot pa eh halata namang gusto ka n'yang kumustahin. Pa-epal siya, wala siyang bayag," bulong ni Denise saka basta na lang nagkumot.
"I really didn't expect that you're like this," I said and bit my lower lip, suppressing my laugh.
"Iba ako sa work siyempre. Pero ganito talaga personality ko, typical makulit girl na na-fall sa cold na bad boy tapos sinandal sa locker at na-bully pero na-fall sa 'kin 'yung bully at naghabol siya sa 'kin."
Tuluyan na 'kong natawa sa sinabi n'ya. Here we go again with her out of this world imagination.
"You should be a writer, Denise."
"Writer naman kaya talaga ako. Search mo sa wattpad 'yung elyjindria. Ako 'yon, marami na 'kong followers, 66k na pero humble pa rin ako. May bashers din ako pero putangina nila."
Muli akong natawa sa sinabi n'ya. Sobrang kulit n'ya talaga.
"Ang ganda mo talaga, Kiara. Parang nafa-fall na rin ako sa 'yo. Sana ako na lang makatuluyan mo," sabi n'ya saka napabuntonghininga.
"Pwede rin," natatawang sabi ko na lang.
"Luh, pa-fall ka kamo. Hindi 'yan tama." Napailing siya. "Ay teka, gusto mo bang tawagan si Mr. North? Dala ko 'yung cellphone ko," sabi n'ya saka ipinakita ang phone na dala n'ya.
Pakiramdam ko literal na nangislap ang mga mata ko nang makita ang phone n'ya. Agad n'ya namang inabot 'yon sa 'kin.
"Is it okay, Denise? Baka malaman 'to ni Xanthos?" nag-aalalang tanong ko.
"Hindi 'yan. Kapag nahuli tayo edi babatukan ko na lang siya tapos magkakaroon siya ng amnesia tapos mai-in love na naman siya sa 'yo kahit wala siyang alaala tapos--"
Hindi ko na pinakinggan ang mga sunod na sinabi ni Denise. I immediately dialed Dad's number and called him. I'm so worried about him. I just hope he's doing fine even though it's impossible. I know he's worried as hell about me right now.
"Hello?" My body trembled when I heard Dad's voice. His voice sounded weak that I almost didn't hear it.
"H-Hello, Dad?"
"Kiara? Kiara! Is that you, darling?!" tila nagkaroon ng buhay ang boses ni Dad.
"Dad, h'wag n'yo po ako masyadong isipin. Please take care of your self, Dad. I'm so worried about you," naluluhang sabi ko.
"How can I not worry about you? Where are you now? Is he hurting you? Please tell me where you are right now, Kiara. Pupuntahan kita kahit saan pa 'yan," puno ng pag-aalalang sabi ni Dad.
"I'm fine, Dad. Don't worry, h-he won't hurt me again. He just did that to scare you so please stop worrying about me and take care of yourself," I said. I did my best not to stutter. I don't want him to worry about me any longer. His health can't handle too much stress.
"Kiara, please tell me where you are. Hindi ako mapapalagay hangga't wala ka rito, anak."
I sighed. "Don't worry, Dad. Pauwi na 'ko, stop stressing yourself over this, please. Malapit na 'kong umuwi." Agad ko na ring binaba ang tawag pagkasabi ko no'n saka muling ibinalik ang phone ni Denise sa kanya.
Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang choice kundi ang panghawakan ang sinabi ni Xceron. Hindi ko rin alam kung may magagawa ako dahil hindi ko alam kung nasaan kami ngayon.
"Sabihin mo lang sa 'kin kung kailangan mong makitawag ulit. Pwede namang ipa-track ng Dad mo ang tawag natin para malaman ang location natin. Kahit ako kasi, hindi ko alam kung nasaan tayo ngayon. Lakas kasi ng amats ni Sir Xanthos. Mabaog sana siya, pero h'wag pala kasi tataguan mo pa siya ng anak," sabi ni Denise saka hinampas ang braso ko.
Napangiti na lang ako sa sinabi n'ya.
"By the way, kung gusto mo lumabas, pwede na. Hindi na pinapa-lock ni Sir Xanthos siraulo 'yung pinto. Talon ka ulit sa dagat hehe," tila nang-aasar na sabi n'ya.
I glared at her and threw her a pillow. "Nang-aasar ka ba?"
MATAGAL DIN kaming nagkulitan ni Denise. I remember Abi in her, mas makulit at mas madaldal lang siguro na version ni Abi.
Natigilan si Denise at napatingin sa phone n'ya.
"Ay punyemas. Bye na muna, Kiara my crush. Tinatawag ako ni Sir Xceron. Ang kapal ng mukha n'ya, si Sir Xanthos kaya ang nagpapasweldo sa 'kin," paghihimutok n'ya.
Naiwan ulit ako nang umalis siya. Napatingin ako sa nakabukas na pinto. Ayos lang ba talaga kung lalabas ako saglit?
I shook my head and took a jacket and wore it before heading out. I immediately hugged myself when I felt the cold breeze despite wearing a jacket... but I was taken aback when I saw Xanthos sitting on a beach chair while drinking his wine.
Napaiwas na lang ako ng tingin sa kanya at lumapit sa railings upang tumingin sa dagat. Napahawak ako sa railing nang maramdaman kong nakatingin si Xanthos sa direksyon ko.
Pinakikiramdaman ko na lang siya habang nakatingin sa dagat. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na 'to... alam kong galit ako sa kanya ngayon, pero may parte sa 'kin na gustong malaman ang nangyari sa kanya... kung bakit siya nagkaganito.
I glanced at him. He's not looking at me anymore. Sa langit naman siya nakatingin. Pamilyar sa 'kin ang emosyon sa mga mata n'ya ngayon. Ganitong ganito rin noong una ko siyang nakita na nakatingin sa langit... He's looking at the sky with melancholic eyes.
Muli akong tumingin sa dagat. I'm still weeping inside. How come he didn't love me at all? How come he didn't feel comfort with me just like how I felt with him? How come I didn't reach his heart just like how he reached mine?
I bit my lower lip to suppress my tears. I thought I can get over him easily. I thought I just need to realize my worth and I'll get over it eventually. But maybe he took all the love I have in my heart with him and crushed it. He doesn't care about it at all... or maybe I'm not worthy of his love.
I tried to calm my heart when my vision became blurry because of tears. I didn't know that loving someone can make you doubt yourself and make you lose the confidence you built for yourself... Loving Xanthos is so painful. Loving someone with pure hatred in his heart is painful indeed.
"Xanthos, are you still not telling to North girl where we're heading?"
Natigilan ako at napatingin kay Xceron nang marinig ko ang boses n'ya. Nasa tabi siya ngayon ni Xanthos.
Hindi naman sumagot si Xanthos.
"North girl, ibabalik ka na namin sa inyo," sabi ni Xceron saka kinindatan ako.
Xceron is kinder than I thought. Akala ko noong una mas intimidating at mas nakakatakot siya kaysa kay Xanthos. Mukhang akala ko lang 'yon.
Napatingin ako kay Xanthos. Wala siyang sinabi. Nakatingin lang siya sa dagat habang nainom ng wine. Napaiwas na lang ako ng tingin sa kanya.
Why did he suddenly change his mind? What is he up to? Does he had a change of heart of is he just planning something? I don't know what he's thinking. His mood swings are second to no one.
Hindi na lang din ako nagsalita. Masaya ako na makakabalik na ako kay Dad at makikita ko na siya pero hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may nararamdaman pa 'kong kakaiba na hindi ko maipaliwanag.
Saglit pa kaming naghintay at nakarating na rin kami sa pinanggalingan namin. Pakiramdam ko ang tagal kong nanatili sa yate na 'yon dahil sa dami ng nangyari.
"Hey, North girl. What are you waiting for? Let's go," sabi ni Xceron.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako makahakbang paalis. Nanatili akong nakatingin kay Xanthos na nakaupo pa rin at hindi ako binabalingan ng tingin.
Huminga ako nang malalim at lumapit sa kanya. He finally looked at me, but his eyes are still emotionless.
"I don't know why you're doing this. I know you have a reason. Whatever my father had done to you, I won't apologize for it because I know I'm not involved. You shouldn't--"
Natigilan ako sa sasabihin ko nang tumayo si Xanthos. Napasinghap na lang ako nang kwelyuhan n'ya ako saka matalim na tumingin sa 'kin.
"Just leave before I change my mind, Kiara North. Fucking leave and don't show yourself in front of me again," he said and pushed me away.
Muntik na akong mawalan ng balanse pero buti na lang agad na naalalayan ni Denise ang likod ko.
I just bit my lower lip and nodded. What am I even trying to do? This is hopeless, trying to open his heart is hopeless and impossible. I should just leave and forget everything about him just like Xceron said.
But I know even if I finally get over Xanthos, I know I won't be able to love someone again. Xanthos just gave me the worst trauma... he's my greatest downfall.