THE WILDERS LIVED IN A beige duplex that I swear was made to haunt my nightmares. Scratch that, the house had become a nightmare in itself. I was exaggerating, a lot, but I had earned that right. Being August's ex-girlfriend (barf) had to have at least one perk.
I rang the doorbell, saw August's eye through the peephole. The door opened in. August stood behind it, his hair, wet, curls falling over his eyes, droplets of water sprayed across his bare torso. But I did not care that he'd clearly been working out, neither did I care that he looked so much better with facial hair. I was here to have a civil conversation, and a civil conversation we were going to have.
"Lovely surp-"
"Don't." I held up a hand. "Let's get this over and done with."
He nodded slowly and took a step back. "I'll go get my car keys."
We ended up at this one beachfront diner we used to frequent. It was one of those places-like everywhere else-that held a lot of sentiment. If I could remember correctly, I think this was where we had our first date, but I could barely remember the details, so maybe not.
I sat in a pastel blue chair that was made to look like an oyster. Weird, I know. "August," I said with no follow-up in mind, "I'm sorry."
He was caught off guard, but quickly recomposed himself. I grimaced. "What exactly are you sorry for?"
I kissed my teeth several times, hesitating to buy myself much needed time. I hadn't thought this through. I hadn't thought about it at all.
"You can't deny that I hurt you, August, even if you did deserve it. But I want to be the bigger person here and apologize. I could've been nicer about ... I could've been nicer."
He tapped the tabletop two times. "Not to be a jackass, but why are you apologizing?"
My face fell. "I want to be the-"
"Cut out that bullshit, Lenny. You don't care about being the bigger person. You've proven that one too many times. You don't even care about me. You never did. So tell me. Why. Are. We. Here? Why did you agree to meet with me?"
With a heavy sigh, I propped my elbows on the table. "We're here because we really do need to talk, and because I need to apologize. We're here because I am trying so hard to move on, but no matter how hard I try, I circle back to you. It's like I'm a ship, and you're the harbour, and no matter how far I go, I always come back home. But you're not my home, and I no longer want those sort of ties with you."
August cracked the tiniest smile imaginable. "Do you ever feel like you made a mistake?"
"Well, someone is completely missing my point."
"No, no. I get it. Just ... answer me, please."
I sighed again. There was always so much sighing wherever he was involved. "Yes. Sometimes. But it's supposed to feel that way," I told him. "For four whole years, I loved you. You. And in a second-or, I guess, six months-we were no longer a thing. We were just you, and me. So of course, I occasionally feel like I made a mistake. You were part of my life for far too long for me to easily forget about you, and that's the problem I'm having. You're in my head, Wilder."
God, I was so angry. And upset. And flabbergasted at how he could sit there and watch me flare and not give a flying fuck about my need to move past this. I didn't even know which one of us was in the wrong anymore. It was both of us, wasn't it? Fire and ice, fire and water, fire and steam. He was fire, and he was bad, bad, bad for me. And I wanted out. For good.
But I also wanted to be friends. Fuck. This.
"I need you to understand how important it is for me to get over the fact that we used to date. To get over the fact that I currently have no one to love, and that it's all because of you and your stupid words and your stupid smiles, your stupid kisses, and your stupid fucking hands, and your stupid voice, and your stupid fucking lies." I sank back into my seat. I'd gotten up at some point without realizing. I didn't care that all eyes were on me.
I sobbed into my hands for no fucking reason, looking like a fool in front of an entire crowd of restaurant eaters.
"It's not up to me, Lenny."
Have I mentioned I absolutely hated how much deeper his voice had become? Because I did. Very much.
"It's not up to me, either," I shot back, nostrils flaring with every breath. And trust me, there were a shit ton of breaths. "I've had it with you. Everytime we get together, there's gotta be an argument. I don't want my future to be that way. I don't want to be tethered to you. You are not my true north, you are not where I feel safest, so stay in the past where you belong, and please, stop showing up everywhere and stop making my life miserable."
Like a broken Barbie doll, he said, "It's not up to me, Lenny." He took a deep breath. I braced myself. "Look, we have nothing more to do with each other, because you made it that way. If anyone should be blaming the other, it should be me. I should be the one yelling at you for breaking my heart, but do you see me making a fool of myself in public? No, because I'm mature enough to know where to draw the line."
I'd heard enough, man.
"Do you not know when the fuck to shut up, Wilder?"
"I believe you were the one who wanted to talk."
"You've gotta be the most delusional son of a bitch I've ever met. Do I need to refresh your memory? Because I will pull up your pathetic texts for you to read."
If this were an overly dramatic chickflick, or, say, some crappy soap opera, I'd materialize a black handbag out of thin air and smack August across the face. He was lucky for two reasons. 1. This was reality, and 2. I hated handbags with everything inside of me.
"Real mature, Harlow. What happened to wanting to have a civil conversation?"
Clearly, he was asking for it. Let it be said that I was provoked, because why the fuck else would I so much as lay a finger on August Wilder?
"You said it yourself. You hurt me. For some reason you seem to think I deserved it. Fine, fine, whatever, it's whatever, but you screaming at me like a hysterical bitch is not it. How's that supposed to help you 'move on'? How is your inability to move on my problem? We were perfect, you split us up, and you're mad at me because now you're stuck with the consequences."
"We were not. That wasn't perfection. That wasn't even ... It didn't even measure up to any proper standards. We were stupid teens. I was. And you, you took advantage of that, and of me, and I hate you for it."
August let out a long sigh. "I think I should get you home."
"No."
"Lenny," he called, "stop being so difficult."
Scoffing, I scooted my seat back and stood up. "Fuck this. I'm leaving."
• • •
IT HAD BEEN, TO PUT it lightly, a disappointing day. The sad thing was, it wasn't anything I hadn't expected. To top it all off, Talia and I's progress had hit a standstill, and I didn't think we could move forward without seeing what the other party had so far. So we were going to have to wait until we both got back, which meant I couldn't randomly decide to stay an extra day. Yippee.
"I think it's time for an intervention," Leah said-more like proclaimed, hands akimbo-a popcorn bucket tucked under her arm. She grabbed a handful at tossed it at me. "You are sulking, and God, is it awful to watch. Also, Keegan's being an ass, so we're watching a movie. Together."
I yawned, stretched, rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. A disappointing day equaled an exhausting day, and, "I'm too tired for that."
"Who the hell cares? I got everyone to agree to watch a movie, and you are not going to ruin this bonding experience, Miss Harlow." She planted her ass next to me, sending some of the popcorn flying. "Do you understand?"
I picked up a piece of the popcorn and brushed off imaginary dirt with my thumb. "Do you think that, um, closure is ... important?"
Leah angled her body so her torso was facing me. "Lenny, you got closure when you broke up with him. You don't have to go back for anything; you owe him nothing. He owes you nothing. Unless you want to be friends again, I don't see why you would..." She trailed off. Her eyes softened. I pulled in my lip and busied myself with pinching tiny pieces off my popcorn piece. "Did you ... did you go talk to him?"
"Of course not," I answered immediately, "I'm just curious." I pushed my hair back. "I feel like it should be more complicated than it really is. Plus, I can't move on. I can't forget about him-"
"Oh my God, Lenny, shut. Up!" she exclaimed, exasperated. "You are gonna move on. It's not like you still have feelings for him. In fact, I'd say you've done a pretty good job of detaching yourself from the past, and for that, you get this." She dropped a piece of popcorn in my hand.
"Thank you?"
"Anytime," she said airily. "Now, let's go pick a movie."
Hey, so, these chapters got shorter for some reason. Anyway, point across. In other news, I'm seriously considering a spam update. Why? I don't know, I want to get the first draft out here before editing.
Which character's your favorite?
Anyway, until next week,
- angel <3