August
Monday
A moment of silence passed, leaving me with a wound. His words were like a knife stabbing me. With just less than 3 seconds that have passed as he sadly stares at me, I have already calculated my future, it's no longer what I pictured. I thought of being a stepmother, oh, Karabo's firstborn not being mine, and the worst thought, what if he chooses her over me for the sake of the baby.
"She just told me last Friday, when I called to cancel on us, she has just told me,"
"Are you sure is yours?" I asked, hoping for a definitive answer that I was never gonna get. I could feel a tear lingering in my eye, longing to pop on my book.
"For now, I'm not sure, but I think she is not lying. I know she wasn't dating anyone and sometimes we would do it without a condom," He said and I had no words. I just stared at him and I could feel something tickling my cheek, the damn tear is out. "I was reckless to do so, and now I have to pay for it," He continued and I said nothing.
We sat there, saying nothing and just staring at the board as if someone is writing on it.
"I guess it can't hurt much having to know that you are a father to someone else other than our kids, I can handle it," I said after a lot of Mississippis.
"Tshedza, that's the thing. For now, we have to take a break, I can't..." He said and I felt like I was hit by lightning. I interrupted him, he has to know I don't care about the pregnant whore, I still want us.
"I don't care that she's pregnant, we will deal with it together. She doesn't have to come between us," I preached.
"She's already between us. She doesn't want me to see you anymore,"
"And you are listening to her now? we don't do what she wants,"
"I have to listen to her this time, if I keep on seeing you, she's threatening to kill my unborn child, you know I can't allow that."
"Bitch." Well, the lightning was nothing. this hit much harder. There's no hope.
"I'm sorry Tshedza, this is as painful to me as it is to you. But I have to protect my child. I really am sorry, and this hurts me too."
"You let her expose my secret to Sihle, and now he dumped me and you don't want me?" I asked.
"I didn't let her do anything and come on, we both know you never loved Sihle. I guess she was angry that the father of her..." I stopped him
"The father of what?" I cried, "So, you are already in? like that's what you wanted."
"It doesn't matter what I want, I always don't get what I want, and I learnt that the hard way. I wanted you from the beginning, and I tried with everything to win you, but you just wanted me to keep on chasing you while you have your perfect boyfriend." "But now that I got you, something has to come between that. That's my life, I never get what I want, and if I do, something always finds its way to break that."
"I know that but maybe this time is different, maybe you can actually get what you want, you just have to fight,"
"I don't know how I'm going to win this one Tshedza,"
"You can tell her you want me, you want me, I know that. You can tell her that; she won't harm her own child,"
"I don't get what I want Tshedza, that is why she is pregnant, not you." He said, and then he left.
I sat there at the desk waiting for the rest of the students to arrive and fill up the classroom because, by myself, I couldn't breathe. I heard my tear popping dropping on my book on top of the desk when some girl came to sit next to me.
"Are you okay?" she asked, concerned even though she didn't know me. We are classmates, just a familiar stranger that I have seen every weekday of my varsity life but have never formally talked to. "What's wrong, you okay?" she continued while I break down in tears. I didn't even realise I was all broken to a point where I couldn't control my feelings. "Come on, let me take you somewhere, outside maybe," she said, standing me up and we walked outside. People around us were just whispering and pointing.
"Thank you, you don't have to stand with me, I will go home now," I said, as I wipe and fix my face.
"Are you sure? What happened? You need a doctor?" She still shows her concerns. What a beautiful soul.
"No, I'm fine, I will be. Thank you."
"Alright. You sure right?"
"Yes, I will be fine. It's just some stupid thing it will pass."
"Well, whatever it is, it better pass. Stupid or not, be fine okay," she said and then walked to the lecture room as we could hear the lecturer starting the class.
I started waddling to my place. I'm going to fail this course. When I got to my place, I did what I'm good at, cry to my sister. I called her and told her that Karabo impregnated his ex and dumped me.
I also called Zinzi and told her about what happened and to pick up my notes. I spent my day asleep, crying. I loved Karabo, and he loved me so much, but I played him so many times, and now that we were finally together, challenges came.
September
Days went by as I live my single boring dedicated student life. It started hard to see Karabo not hiding his relationship with Nyiko and him no longer flirting with me, but as time goes on, I got used to dodging his presence.
It was hard having to exist without Karabo. I have fallen for him so hard that I don't go to sleep without shedding a tear for him. I know it is hard for him too, but the fact that he chose the unborn baby over me, over our future kids, kills me every time.
"I had to let him go, I had to let him take care of his baby. The baby is not mine, but it's a baby, if it's going to live, it deserves the best life, with the father around," I said to Hazel who was just staring at me, listening. Since her lobola day, we haven't talked about anything related to her fiancé. Actually, we haven't talked much since then. I was always cohabiting with Karabo, forgetting about my friends.
"I'm really sorry. But he is dumb, he can take care of his baby with you around, he doesn't have to be with that girl," She said, she has really changed.
"That's what we both thought but Nyiko threatened to abort if he leaves her. Karabo doesn't want that, he wants his baby,"
"So maybe he will come back once the baby is born and safe,"
"Hazel, right now I don't care, the fact that he didn't even fight harder to be with me, she would not have aborted her own baby just for him, and he just fell for it,"
"Yeah, he should have tried harder,"
"Exactly. Okay enough about me, how about you, when is the wedding?"
"Oh, that again," she said, standing going to my fridge. "Why can't we just watch this movie, my problems are too big I don't want to burden you right now with what you are going through,"
"Hazel is fine, but if you ever want to talk about anything, just knock. You are the only one I can talk to too,"
"Zinzi?"
"Zinzi is my best friend, but she always tells Jabu everything, I don't want her to know everything because it just goes back to the squad,"
"Oh, the squad, maybe you can go back to Sihle?" she said, licking her upper lip.
"Never, and don't change the topic. If we are not talking about your hubby to be, then we are not talking about my problems,"
"Okay, I will tell you, just a bit of a summary. So my marriage, It's a business thing. I don't love him, not even a little bit," she said.
"Then why are you marrying him?" I asked.
"It has been arranged since I was in high school. I didn't think they will go through with it or the day will ever come, but now, they said I'm ready, I'm not,"
"Who's they?" I asked.
"My parents, him, all of them,"
"I'm so sorry Hazel. But why, what kind of arrangement put their child in danger,"
"If I don't marry him, we are all in danger, my whole family."
"What? What's going on. Go to the police. You don't want to marry that kind of person,"
"No, I think that's exactly what I have to do, if I marry him, we will be out of debt and my family will finally be free,"
"But you won't be happy,"
"I will learn, old people used to do it like that, some Indians still do."
"You are not old people, it will kill you. Believe me, I know.
"My siblings will be safe, that's what matters the most," she said and didn't know if I could be of any help anymore, I just comforted her.
We chilled and watched a movie, already regretted pushing her to come out with everything because I couldn't help. She was different, and I could tell something was eating her up.