There was no lonelier feeling than being in love. You realized this as you stood out on the balcony of your room, eyes closed, soaking in the balmy nighttime breeze on your cheeks as you waited.
Logically, you knew you should probably take a shower and get into bed. You were just wasting time staying up and stressing like this, but you couldn't help it. Anakin was off with another girl right now, and you were forced to just live with that knowledge without somehow losing your mind. The only thing you could really do without spiraling into a pit of negative thoughts was to stand out here, listen to the chirping of the night-birds, and breathe in the sweet-smelling air.
So many people had left you and let you down. They were all people that you loved, and now, against all better judgement, you loved Anakin too. You can't even remember when it started, all you knew was that you did, and no matter how much you didn't want to, you couldn't stop. You didn't like to bullshit your feelings or deny them or anything.
You loved Anakin.
But he didn't love you. He couldn't-- not only was he not allowed to, but he probably gave up on even trying after Padme. She was a risk in itself, and it had been a secret that got out to her friends. He knew that because you had told him. And now, he most likely swore off any other attachment like that for good.
You had no chance with him.
So here you were, on the balcony, trying not to crumble under the realization that yet another person you loved was letting you down, and it wasn't even his fault. He didn't even know. No matter how well he thought he knew you, he was missing the one huge important piece that had kept you together through everything-- him.
And it would stay that way.
Your love for him was something you would force to remain a secret, especially from him. Because how could you ask him to try loving another person after Padme? How could you ask him to risk his whole life's purpose for you? How could you make him choose?
It was simple-- you couldn't. He was happy now, and he deserved to remain that way. Even if you had to suffer.
The sound of the door opening quietly and then clicking shut made you open your eyes. You turned around and saw Anakin walk inside, discarding his Jedi belt and lightsaber on a table right by the door. He looked up when he saw you watching.
"How was it?" you asked.
"Peaceful. Relaxing."
You walked into the room so you could see him better, closing the balcony doors and raking in his appearance. His hair was a little messy and his cheeks a little flushed. Such a fucking liar.
"You slut. What did you do."
"Nothing! It was a nice sunset and everything. Very colorful."
"Mhm," you narrowed your eyes. "Okay."
He walked right past you, busying himself by double checking the locks on the balcony doors and then drawing the curtains. "Listen, did you make Corina the medicine?"
Changing the topic, of course.
"Yup."
"And were you going to take a shower?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, you go first. I've gotta call Rex and Ahsoka. Oh, and I'll take the couch so you don't have to worry about sharing the bed."
You crossed your arms in the center of the room, right under the glittering chandelier as you watched him bustle around the room. Now he was leaning against the side of the couch, turning on his comlink and scrolling through the blue projections.
"Do you not want to share a bed with me or something?"
He looked up, all too innocent.
"No, I just thought you wouldn't want to share one with me."
"We've done it before."
"You were sick, and I was just sitting on it. This is different-- I thought I'd give you some space."
"Why? Cause you've got a crush on Enid now?"
"Why?" he mirrored your tone. "Would that make you jealous?"
Low blow.
You wanted to wipe that stupid cocky look off his face. Especially because he didn't even deny it. Your earlier thoughts, the ones about knowing you and him can't be together, came back.
This jealousy wasn't good... you cared far too much. You had to convince your brain to just get over him already.
"There's no reason to be jealous. We're not together."
"For now, we are. Or did you forget?" he had gone back to scrolling through the blue projections before him. You thought that meant he was dismissing you until he looked up, a devilish glint in his eye. "Sweetheart."
So he had noticed you liked that.
You wished he didn't have a direct diary to every single thing you were feeling. Usually his attentiveness was sweet, but in times like this it was infuriating and unfair. You were always a good liar, but with him... it was so much harder. Especially with the secret you were keeping.
Pulling on a mask of annoyance, you stood your ground before him.
"Not really. We're just pretending. Go fuck Enid again or something."
Now he looked annoyed. "Y/n, we didn't--"
"Whatever, I don't want to know. Just... you take the bed. I'll take the couch."
"You're delusional if you think I'm gonna let that happen."
"Anakin, seriously," you moved around the room to gather your things for the shower as a hint to end the argument here and now. "I won't be able to sleep if I know you're on a couch and I've got the whole bed to myself."
"I won't either!"
"C'mon, I don't mind, I can sleep anywhere. I can even sleep on the floor if I have to."
"No one's making you sleep on the floor."
"I'm just saying. You're taking the bed."
"No, you are."
"I'll literally just sleep on the ground no matter what you say, you can't stop me."
"Y/n, I swear on the Force, you're not sleeping on the ground!" he yelled, exasperated. "I will throw you over my shoulder and slam you onto the bed if I have to."
A sneaky sense of satisfaction bloomed in your chest as you realized you had made him angry, just like he had done to you. A toxic trait of yours, for sure-- arguing for argument's sake. But he was a dumbass for whatever he did with the princess, and you wanted a little revenge. No matter how petty.
"Save it for Enid."
He swore under his breath in a language you didn't understand while rubbing his face with his hand, completely fed up up now. "Just get in the shower. We'll discuss it when you're out."
"Fine, but you're not gonna win this."
The sonic shower you had taken in Ahsoka's room on the Resolute did a nice job at cleaning you of the dirt and debris from Zephyr, but taking a real, actual, hot shower with running water could never compare. The bathroom was already stocked with a variety of soaps and cleaning products, and you went down the line using each one. When you came out of the shower, you smelled like flowers, fruits, desserts, and a tropical paradise vacation all in one.
After meticulously shaving and slathering on lotion, you now had to decide what to wear to bed. Usually you went for a sweater and some sleep shorts, but the environment here was so warm that Mace hadn't packed any sweaters. All you had to choose from were thin cotton tank tops, equally thin sleep shorts, or a variety of nightdresses.
You thought about a nightdress, but you didn't usually sleep with underwear on because it was more comfortable. And being around Anakin without wearing panties for any longer today... it was too risky.
So naturally you should pick the tank top and shorts... but that also posed a problem because your boobs would be far too noticeable in the tank top. Bestie one and bestie two were sure to make an appearance at even the slightest breeze, and you didn't want Anakin seeing that.
Irritated, you considered just wearing some damn underwear to bed. But you really didn't want to-- it's not like you and Anakin were going to be sleeping in the same place with the way your argument was going, so it'd be pointless to cover up on his behalf. And you shouldn't have to change your sleeping habits for him, anyway.
Pulling the nightdress over your head, you decided it would be the lesser of the more obvious options. Anakin wasn't an idiot-- he'd had a girlfriend before, he must know not all women sleep with fucking underwear on. And it's not like he was going to come looking.
Shoving the rest of your clothes back into the bag, you began to brush your teeth when you noticed the water from the faucet was sickly sweet. You spluttered and spit it out.
The 'love potion' was in the pipes.
You stared at your reflection in the mirror, debating on what to do now. Your mouth was still full of toothpaste, and you had nothing else to wash it out with. Maybe as long as you didn't swallow the water, it wouldn't affect you.
God knows you couldn't go through that again.
Being extra careful, you finished brushing and swished a small mouthful of water around. You spit out as much as you could, but of course you were aware it was impossible to get all of it. Whatever. As long as you didn't get as worked up as you were on the carriage, you'd be fine.
You cleaned the bathroom a bit and then grabbed your things, exiting to find Anakin just hanging up the phonecall with Rex and Ahsoka.
"How are they?" you tossed the bag onto a chair by the wall, and then mosied over to the large vanity before the bed. There were some hair oils there that you wanted to check out.
"Good. There's no sign of Dooku yet, but they're keeping their guards up."
"Okay, well... shower's free. But careful not to drink the water, it's got that stuff in it."
"Alright. Thanks." He tugged back the blanket on the bed sarcastically as he passed by. "Make yourself comfortable."
You rolled your eyes, watching him go into the bathroom through the mirror. After the door shut, you let out a long sigh.
You wished he was yours. Really and truly. It would make all of this a lot less painful.
Dismissing the thoughts before they could get too far, you turned back to the pretty glass bottles of different oils below the mirror. Some were perfumes and others you didn't know what they were, but you recognized some oils that you had on Coruscant and you got to work rubbing them in your hair. It was something you hadn't done since taking a shower in your own apartment, but it felt familiar and natural and calming as you did so now.
Or, at least, it should have. No matter how long you spent staring at your reflection, you just could not recognize the person looking back. She had your face, and your body, but not your hair. Definitely not your hair. The white still shocked you to look at, and as you rubbed oil into the ends, all you could think was; I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
You weren't a very confident person to begin with. You've had your fair share of awkward stages growing up, so of course you were humbled in many ways by that. Not to mention your mother disapproved of all these phases, and did everything she could to wrench you out of them.
The sly little comments, the dozens of bottles of facewash showing up on your dresser after you got a breakout, the smaller portion sizes she'd give you when your weight fluctuated-- you did everything you could to make her proud, but there were just some things you couldn't control. Including how you looked.
After you left Noxella, you met that wonderful group of girls and were suddenly surrounded by models, designers, and people who loved their bodies for what they allowed them to do. You thought they were all beautiful, and they assured you that you were, too. You could feel your self-esteem coming back when it had barely existed before.
And now...
Crash and burn, you hated yourself again.
All because of your stupid hair. You didn't realize how much it could change a person's appearance, especially because you'd never been allowed to dye it before, so you were really learning the hard way how it could.
And of course, the insecurity didn't stop at the hair. That's not how it worked with you-- because when one thing was wrong, you had to pull apart every single part of yourself. Not big enough, not small enough, not good enough, not pretty enough.
Not Enid.
Anakin came out of the bathroom then, steam billowing out behind him as he towel dried his hair. Your eyes flew wide open, mouth instantly going dry.
He was ripped.
Why had you never considered that Anakin might have a six pack before? Or biceps, or triceps, or a v-line--
You'd seen many naked people in your life, ranging from all different shapes and sizes. You'd studied every single muscle in your textbook, and become extremely familiar with the male human body over your years of medical practice. And now you could name each pronounced muscle as they rippled over Anakin's body, tossing the towel aside and sitting at the edge of the bed.
You shouldn't be feeling this way over something that had never pulled a reaction out of you before.
Maybe it was just the unexpectedness of it all, which really, you were a fool for not expecting it. He was a Jedi. Anakin's whole life consisted of fighting and battles and facing danger head-on. His speciality was with a damn lightsaber, for gods sake. He could run, jump, flip, and beat the shit out of anyone on a superhuman level..
Of course he'd looked like... that.
Your face burned, avoiding eye contact with yourself as you looked into the mirror. Suddenly you were very focused on putting the oil in your hair.
It had never even occurred to you that you'd never seen Anakin shirtless before. You always just appreciated his body through the leather armor he wears. But now... it's all you were going to be able to think about.
Also, you were damning him for looking so effortlessly beautiful after just coming out of a shower. You had to towel dry your hair, flip for volume, moisturize, shave, lotion, the whole nine yards before you felt confident enough to walk out of here in front of him. And you were aware he'd seen you at your worst before, sick and on the floor all covered in puke, but this was different. You actually cared now.
But here he comes, strolling out of the bathroom, not a care in the world as his dark hair fell into his eyes, still dripping but adorably messy, all shaken up from the towel. His skin glowed a healthy tan, flawless and perfect as always. You're not sure he's ever had a spot in his life. And his eyes were all blue and sparkling, abs glistening with moisture even as he sat hunched over on the bed, which only seemed to bring attention to the broad muscles in his back--
"Why are you putting so much effort in just to sleep?"
You tore your eyes away from him again as he turned to look at you. You could now see the dark bags under his eyes-- he must really be tired, but somehow even that couldn't detract from his beauty.
God, you wanted him.
"We can't all just wake up and be perfect like you, Anakin."
His face morphed in the mirror-- eyes faraway, realizing your statement, and then a tiny soft smile as he brightened up a bit.
"...you think I'm perfect?"
You thought to Blaire's literally perfect face and cringed, choosing not to answer. Because no, he wasn't perfect. But how were you supposed to explain that that's precisely made him so much better than anyone else?
He shook his head, dismissing it. "Seriously... you've been staring at yourself like that for far too long. What's the matter?"
You had nothing to lose anymore. Not when he looked like that, and you looked like this, and you truly knew you had no chance now. If you thought he had been out of your league before, well, now he wasn't even in the same galaxy.
So you made the first good decision you'd made all night-- treating him as a friend rather than the person you were secretly and hopelessly in love with. You would indulge him with the ugly side of yourself, the one you've always tried to keep hidden from the people whose opinions you cared about. Your insecure side.
"My hair... It's white now. I hate it."
His eyebrows furrowed, scanning your head up and down with a frown. "What? Why?"
"I just don't like it. It makes me look weird."
You shrugged it off to be nonchalant, but really you were shitting bricks. You had made yourself vulnerable in front of him, aware that it was out of character for you to admit your insecurities so openly.
"I think it's pretty."
You blinked a couple times, not sure if you heard him right. You looked at his face through the mirror to find that he was already looking at you. Your eyes locked, and that's all it took for your face to explode with heat.
"You suck."
"What?!" he laughed at your grumpy expression, falling backward onto the bed with his hands over his head, all splayed out. You turned around, crossing your arms. "I just complimented you. You're welcome."
His eyes were closing now, chest rising and falling deeply. He could feel you looking at him, and he let you. Your gaze travelled down his body, the itchy warmth in your veins growing as you took in each dip and crevice of his muscled abdomen.
He truly did suck. For hanging out with pretty girls like Enid and then coming back and saying things like that. For putting himself all on display before you like this, like war spoils that you couldn't touch. For making you fall for him that much more, when you knew you could never have him.
"Y/n," he cracked an eyelid open to find you still standing there, brewing in self-consciousness. Your grumpy facade was fooling no one. "Y/n, look at me."
It was hard to meet his eyes again, but he was patient as you worked yourself up to it. Ripping your eyes from the spot on the carpet, you found him now sitting up with his forearms against the bed, his entire attention focused on you. There was no bullshit or room for argument in his tone when he spoke.
"Your hair is white because you died and then came back. You could have just stayed dead. Personally, I like the first idea better, and if it means you have white hair now to at least be alive, then I'll take it."
It still didn't change the fact that you looked bad with it.
"I know my opinion doesn't matter very much, but I like it. You pull it off really well, and I don't think you should be ashamed of something that shows you lived," he held up his metal hand, glinting gold in the light, and motioned to the scar on his face. "Wear your flaws proudly."
Damn him for being so perfect and knowing exactly what to say in a situation like this. Of course he would.
You didn't like having all the attention on you anymore, and you needed the tension to go away. Badly. Even if what he said did shift something deep inside you, like maybe you actually wouldn't hate your hair so much anymore. He did have a point about the whole "you lived" thing.
"Okay, thank you, whatever," you mumbled quickly. "Have you decided to take the bed finally?"
He flopped back down and groaned, throwing an arm over his face. "Not this still. Just get in with me, I'm too tired to argue anymore."
"Are you sure?"
"If you don't mind, I don't mind," he sacrificed an arm to lazily pull back the cover on the other side, motioning for you to get in. "I promise to keep my distance."
"I thought you didn't like sharing beds with people, though," you remembered him telling you that one day a long time ago. It was because of his nightmares--- he'd get so restless and usually wake the person up, so he tried to avoid it when possible.
"I'll make an exception."
"Okay... but if you want me to get out at any time, just tell me to get out."
"Why do you always just assume people don't want you around?" he grumbled, irritated now. You were always so hard on yourself. "I want you here. So shut up and stay put."
The words were like a punch in the gut, but in a good way.
It was easier to crawl into your side of the bed when he eyes were closed. You got in carefully, making sure to stick all the way to the edge, and curled up onto a ball on your side. Anakin remained on top of the covers, and waved his hand in the air. The room was plunged into darkness, the only sound being the hum of the cooling system and the kitchen appliances.
You closed your eyes and willed a peaceful sleep to come quick.
"...Are you going to sleep with socks on?" he broke the silence.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I want to."