dear insecurity,
ꕥ
2020
"Are you sure you don't want me to walk you home?" Jay sighed in frustration as he stood by Haneul's classroom door.
"No Jay, I'm fine. I'm stronger than you think,"Haneul responded tiredly before cleaning the classroom whiteboard.
"But you're not fine,"
Inhaling a sharp breath, Haneul put down the whiteboard duster before walking towards her best friend. Although she was thankful she found a person like him in a shitty school, it was unfortunate that he unintentionally drew attention to himself.
What can anyone say? Park Jongseong was the school's golden boy, the standard everyone should and wanted to be.
"I'll be out soon. Why don't you find Jake for me? Then we can all walk home together," Haneul persuaded, not wanting everyone to get wrong idea if she was found alone with Jay.
Sighing in defeat, Jay rolled his eyes before straightening his posture. "When I come back, you better be ready to leave," Jay firmly said, smiling softly at Haneul before leaving the classroom.
"I'll be waiting Jongseong,"
You might think that Haneul's heart fluttered upon seeing his smile, the way his laugh lines completely changed how he looked— how he looked a lot more handsome when he smiled.
You also might think that Jay felt his heart beat uncontrollably out of his chest while feeling the utmost euphoric in that moment. That Sim Haneul somewhat agreed to him in someway, that he caught the girl he found endearing smile to herself after chasing him away.
And it was true— that day, their growing feelings for each other could've led to something more.
Unfortunately, it was impossible as Haneul was head over heels for Lee Heeseung at that time; it was impossible the moment Jay came back to an empty classroom, feeling hopeless upon assumption that Haneul disliked his presence.
It was raining that day, raining much heavier than usual. The downpour was so heavy it masked the sight of its surroundings. It especially masked Haneul's tears that day.
I wish that I wasn't me.
Limping her battered and bruised body under the pouring rain, Haneul cried her heart out as she dragged herself home. The fresh blood from her busted lip was washed away by the rain, leaving only the red and purplish hues of bruises on her face and her entire body.
There wasn't much much explanation to it and only reason— that the people who had targetted her since day one finally caught her when she was vulnerable.
That day, Haneul poured her heavy heart out into crying while the rain mimicked her. Although it seemed to understand the concept of 'letting it out', Haneul only wanted to feel warm.
She didn't want to be reminded of her dreadful self. She had begun to hate herself just as much as she begun to hate the rain.