It did not cross my mind that he could kill me first.
The morning sun leaked over the gruesome sight that surrounded us, except it couldn't undo the nightmare we had survived. Though not all of us had survived. The Saviours had guns pointed at the back of our heads, but somehow I was confident in the fact they wouldn't shoot unprovoked- not when we had so much that they needed. Instead, I forced myself to focus on Negan and Rick ahead of me, unable to stomach the pile of gore near me that was once Glenn and Abraham. My heart hurt for Maggie, hunched beside me. Her cold, clammy hand was wrapped in mine, and I worried she wouldn't make it either.
The trees danced slowly around us with the wind, a poor attempt to sooth us in the face of misery. I had not lost anyone, not the way Maggie, Rosita and Sasha had, but I still felt sick with loathe and sorrow.
So much that I had been paying attention to nothing that Negan said; I'd barely caught something about giving Rick a second chance.
Until he called Carl over to him.
My heart somehow managed to sink even lower though Carl himself hardly flinched. I don't think I could stomach the loss of Carl, just three years younger than me; my friend. Negan wouldn't do anything to a child.
Would he?
"Kid. Now." For once, there was no smirk on Negan's face, just the countenance of a man who's patience had worn thin. Carl sensed it too and walked toward him reluctantly.
❥
The anguished sobs of Rick were all that could be heard as Negan urged forward the hatchet in his hand, and I cried with him.
"Please, it could- it could be me," Rick wailed before us, his eyes darting between Negan standing beside him and Carl pressed to the floor, his forearm out steadily, welcoming the wrath of the hatchet.
I felt the entire line hold their breath as Rick's arm lifted into the air, surrendering to Negan's infernal influence at last.
"Wait a minute," Negan suddenly boomed, the unexpected sound making us all flinch, "I was just so busy enjoying my little game with Rick and Carl, I forgot it's no fun with just three players. Is it Beatrice, sweetheart?"
Fuck. Maggie sobbed beside me and I thought back to every sneering look I'd given to Negan and my one brief comment, wondering if it was worth it. I decided to stay quiet this time. He held my gaze carefully and I could only imagine how I looked. Dishevelled dark hair, bloodshot eyes, makeup smeared down my cheeks- blotchy from the tears they'd held.
"Now, don't give me those sad fucking angel eyes, it'll just break my heart," he groaned sarcastically, his voice mockingly soft as he put a hand to his chest, "unless you've got any other smartass comments for me?
"Just that I'm going to strangle you with that stupid fucking red scarf of yours." I snapped back, burrowing deeper into the grave I'd dug for myself.
He only laughed drily in return and tutted my name,
"Bea, Bea, Bea- I was afraid you'd say something like that. Bring her over."
I wondered again if my pride was worth whatever was about to befall me as I was flanked by two Saviours, my hand ripping from Maggie's as I was dragged to meet Negan, my aching knees scraping against the unyielding stone.
Again I knelt before him, between Rick and Carl, scowling at Negan's proud face grinning back at me. I will make sure that the last time I see him, he will be knelt before me.
"I know no one wants to see their favourite future-serial killer lose an arm, so I'll make you a deal," he paused a moment, letting us take in the sudden shift in atmosphere, as if we were not about to witness Carl lose a limb before he continued, pointing a gloved hand at me,
"You give me dollface over here and you and everyone else can go home to your shitty little suburban neighbourhood unharmed. Apart from Daryl. I like him. He's got balls, unlike some fucking pussies I know."
Negan emphasised every word, as if he wanted his mercy engrained into our minds. I turned to face Rick; the unwavering leader that had carried us through the end of the world now kneeling before a devil behind the mask of a handsome man. Sorrow wasn't enough for what I felt for him. He trembled back at me, his eyes barely meeting mine as he stewed on Negan's offer.
"I'll go," I told him quickly, grabbing his shaking hands, "everyone can go home now, and I'll find a way back too."
"Hurry up, Rick!" Negan drawled as if he had better things to do, "Times a'wastin',"
Rick continued to look everywhere except my eyes; me going with Negan was the obvious choice to make, and I didn't want to make it harder on Rick. Finally, he nodded to me.
I turned to face Negan, his the corners of his mouth curling into a wicked smile.
"See! That wasn't so fucking hard was it?" He beamed, patting Rick on the back so hard that he lost his balance.
Expectantly, Negan held out a gloved hand to me.
I ignored it and stood up.
"Get in the truck."