THINGS WERE STARTING TO FALL into place, and I didn't mean that in a good way. For starters, Nash and I-as well as whatever was left of the student population-were leaving today, and Talia and I had still not agreed on a topic for our project. So, like any other good scientist would do, I decided to go for the gold with my idea, while waiting for her to give me a go ahead. And if for some reason we weren't using my very brilliant topic, I'd still do my research. No knowledge is lost, and all that.
"For some reason, I thought you'd at least bring a bag," said the man of the hour himself. Today he was not driving a sports utility vehicle, but a small Mercedes which I thought was rather fitting for the occasion.
I lifted my carry-on bag for him to see. "I did bring a bag."
He crossed his arms and arched a brow. "What's in it?"
"We are going to be on the road for at least four hours, Nash. I'm bound to get hungry."
Nash barked a laugh. I didn't think it was funny, and just for that, I decided I wasn't going to share.
Two days ago he'd dropped a mini bomb on me in the most casual way imaginable. In fact, it was so casual that I almost gave it no thought. Keyword being almost. Since then I'd had about a day to think about it, and if I was being honest, all that thinking only made things more complicated. Piper said I was self absorbed, sat me down in a chair and proceeded to straighten and then curl my hair. The session took roughly seven hours.
I was too emotionally detached to deal with all this stress. One thing was for certain, though; I needed to talk to Leah about it.
"I take it you won't be coming with us to see the play?"
My head whipped around at the sound of Dina's voice. E might've been ... heavy, but e was very light on eir feet. "Us?"
"Terrence and me."
Of course. "I thought you said your sibling would want the last ticket," I said. I dropped my bag into the passengers seat through an open window. "Plus, it's a long drive from home."
Dina nodded, eir thick black hair bouncing of eir round shoulders. "They said they didn't want to be a third wheel," e said, "and I get it. I could probably sell the ticket and make a few dollars on it." E tried to look over my shoulder. "You two are driving together?"
I let out a breath. "Yeah, he lives closeby."
E gave me a scrutinizing look. "Alright. Drive safe. I look forward to getting to know you better after the break." E turned to leave. "And to working with you."
I waved eir off until the sound of a horn pierced through the air. Time to leave. Finally. I could already taste my mother's cooking.
Nash rolled up the windows and turned on the air conditioning. Let the records show that he did not put on a buffer, and that he therefore expected me to have a conversation with him. That just wouldn't work. No gracias.
"So how long is this gonna take?"
"Should be roughly four hours, but I'm not in a rush," he answered. "But I'm definitely getting you home before nightfall."
That left a lot of time in between, seeing as it was barely ten in the morning.
"Is there any way I could connect this"-I gestured to the overall soundbox area-"to my Spotify?" I had a cash money playlist on the ready. It'd been lying in wait for months, waiting on the day its destiny would call it forth. A.k.a. the day I went on a road trip without my parents. I might be an adult, according to technicalities, but I would still have to face the wrath of their disapproving glares at whatever obscene words were contained in those songs. I could do without those glares. They were Keegan's thing.
"I would rather you didn't," he said, but I wasn't listening. Or maybe I was. Maybe I just didn't care what he wanted. Maybe I didn't want to talk about anything. "At least for now. What happens if the playlist is done playing before we get there?"
"Trust me, it's a long playlist."
"We might be here for seven hou-"
"No. If you waste any time, I will shove you into the back and take those wheels. Also, I do not have a driver's license, so, be afraid." I was cranky, and as the seconds ticked, I got crankier. That meant I was hungry. I was hungry. I hadn't eaten since the previous afternoon.
"I'm just saying." We drove through those unbelievably large school gates. "I can't drive for four hours straight. I'm gonna need to top up on gas. We're probably gonna have to stop to eat, or something. We might be here for a while longer."
Okay, so, all that talk was valid, but I was really hungry, so, "Alright, fine. But at least turn on the radio." I needed something to distract me from my thoughts. I was going back home to spend time with my family, and if I were placing bets, I'd bet a hundred that August was already back home. Our run in at that department store was literal trash. That couldn't happen again. I didn't need to be nicer, but I at least could try to be civil.
The thoughts were up in my head, and they demanded attention. I was self absorbed, maybe. A little confused, irrational, and self contradictory. A paradox, but I didn't deserve the luxury of being called that. I liked Nash. I liked him a lot, but more than anything, it hurt to admit it. Admitting it would mean risking getting hurt, and I knew he was a good person-near saintly-but I did not trust things to not get bad. Circumstances pushed people to the brink, to the darkest parts of themselves. What if something bad happened and he switched up on me?
Based on recent events, I couldn't even say for certain if my thoughts were not as a result of hormones. I kissed him. He kissed me. We kissed. Period. And I felt what every normal human would, but it wasn't love, and it wasn't like, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why I felt so many different ways about a single person.
"I'm sorry," I said, breaking the static filled silence. My words carried so much weight. I had done so much wrong, so much damage, mostly to myself, and to a possible ... a possible relationship. "I think I have been using you, though I can't see how." He took his eyes off the road. "I think I might have hurt you at some point, and I'm sorry."
His lips twitched.
"I do like you. But I don't know if I ...." I stopped to take a breather. WALK THE MOON was right, talking was hard. "I don't know if I'm good for you. Especially with everything that's happened since we met. All I do is plague you with problems, and-"
"I was not expecting this," he said, eyes back where they should be. "You know, I can't seem to remember you ever plaguing me with problems."
"Right." I tugged on my seatbelt. "What about all the times at the pool?"
"Nope."
"You know what I'm talking about."
"No, not really."
This was starting to frustrate me. "I'm still sorry."
"I'm sorry, too."
My curiosity got the best of me. "What for?"
"Remember karaoke night? I'm sorry about what I said. And the day you pretty much ran from Sweet Cube, I'm sorry about that, too. I feel like we were both being immature."
I twirled a few loose strands of hair. "How does acknowledging any of this help us move forward?" I thought I had it all figured out, but I didn't have it together at all.
"It doesn't. That's our job. As people." He met my eyes and smiled. "Might not be easy." It was never easy. "But if you're down, we could take this a little further. Move forward. Next level ... That sort of thing."
"And that means...?"
"It means we get to use this break to sort things out," he said. But I knew how it was going to go. How it was going to end. And I didn't think he'd like it one bit. "And maybe we can build something from that. Maybe ... Maybe after this, the past won't matter anymore."
He said nothing more, but I could hear his thoughts, clear as day. Maybe after this, there will be nothing holding you back. Nothing holding us back. I didn't know how to tell him he was alone in his yearning.
• • •
"YOU SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING," were his final words to me on that day. I was so exhausted from being in a car all that time that I forgot to ask what he meant.
At least I'd learned something new. I knew now that Nash didn't like to talk while he drove so he wouldn't lose focus. I also knew that he had a soft spot for LANY's what I wish just one person would say to me-he played it on repeat once we figured out how to connect my Spotify to it, thereby tainting my recommendations for all of eternity. Another thing I knew was that he needed caffeine in order to drive for more than forty-five minutes at a time, and that he hated the taste of coffee.
In short, we had to stop for a six-pack of Redbull.
Disheveled and a little out of breath, I hauled my tired self up the steps and onto the front porch, hand poised to knock. I hadn't quite told anyone I would be arriving today. It was supposed to be a surprise. If I just walked in like I owned the place (which I sort of did), I'd catch close to no attention. I wanted attention.
So I rapped my knuckles against the door five times and waited.
"Stop slamming my door like that! You're gonna wake up the entire blo-Lenny!" My mother immediately stopped her screaming when her eyes settled on me. I almost wondered what she saw when she looked at me. "Lenny, you're here." She reached out for a hug, and the rest was history.
In other news, my sister and her boyfriend were yet to arrive, and so four of us were sat at the dining table, hands clasped to say grace. As soon as that ended, Mom launched into conversation, earning the stink eye from my father.
"You know, your brother just got outta p jail."
"Mother," exclaimed said brother, "at least let us eat first."
"Dinnertime is the best time for catching up, Keegan. When will you learn etiquette?"
That was my cue to tune them out.
Despite being away from home for months, I fell back into routine easily. Eat dinner, clear the table, do the dishes (or leave them for Keegan), then go upstairs to my bedroom. Easy. But momma wanted to talk. And I was expected to listen. Or in today's case, talk.
"How's school been, honey?" she asked, bumping hips with me at the sink.
I glanced up at the ceiling and said a quick prayer. Lord, give me patience, because I knew I was gonna need it. "School's been fine." I slowly lathered a plate. If I kept her on her feet long enough, she might cut the conversation short.
"Studies going well? You're not failing any classes?"
"Of course not."
"You sure about that?"
Did she know something I didn't? "Yes, Mom. I'm sure about that."
She turned on the faucet to help me rinse the plates. I didn't need help, but it was a little nice of her. "Okay, okay. I got a little worried since you weren't calling. Thought you were tryna hide something from us."
"Well, there's nothing to hide." I rinsed off my hands and wiped them on my trousers. "Is that all?"
"For now."
A smile formed on my lips. "Night, momma."
She stopped me with her hand. She just sort of wedged it between my boobs. "Not yet." She led us back to the table. "Have you talked to your sister?"
This is so unnecessary. "You know, I can't help but wonder why you make such a fuss over me talking to Leah all the time. You never ask if I talk to Keegan. Why is that?"
"Because you're twins. And because I understand how hard it can be to deal with him. You're not even the same gender. He is an entity of trouble. Need I say more?"
"Yeah, I'm not having this conversation." I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. "Night."
This time, she let me leave.
My bedroom was the same as it had always been; a wellkept mess. Some people's bedrooms were a peek into their soul, into their persona, but mine was not. There was nothing out of the ordinary to see. Maybe that could be translated to mean that I was mundane, but I knew I wasn't. I knew me, and that was all that mattered.
Until now.
The only light in my room came from my cellphone-and the window, but that didn't matter here. My face was scrunched up in an annoyed pout when I got to the device. I should have switched it off hours ago. But I didn't because CJ and me had a video chat scheduled for eight thirty, and I did not want to leave her hanging.
NashBrowns: It means just that.
Of course, I'd asked to know what he meant. I couldn't decipher it-what even was that? You should come with a warning. Since when was I a hazard?
Me: And the award for most confusing goes to...
NashBrowns: Miss Harlow?
Me: No, it's your award. Carefully crafted specifically for you. Now tell me what that means !!
NashBrowns: Lol, it doesn't mean anything. Don't worry about it.
NashBrowns: Kaylee's asking about you, by the way. Got time to talk?
Me: Depends. Do you plan on keeping me in the dark?
NashBrowns: It's Kaylee who wants to talk. Do you want to disappoint her?
Me: Fuck you, hash brown. Fuck you to the depths of hell and back.
NashBrowns: So that's a no, then? Because she's giving me puppy dog eyes. They get really big... And she's pouting.
Incoming video call from NashBrowns...
I only saw half of Nash's face for a fraction of a second before it was snatched away-or so I assumed-by the sweetheart whose grinning face was all up in the camera.
"Hi, Kaylee!" I did a small wave even though she probably couldn't see it. "How are you?"
"Fine!" The camera panned out to a cloud of white fluff. "That's our dog, Darius. We're walking him right now." And to prove her statement, she turned the camera to the cemented pavement, and then to the pink evening sky.
I never really knew how to talk to kids, so while I fumbled for words to say, she kept on talking.
"It's my first time visiting the park in five years," she said. Her words grabbed every bit of my attention. "At least, I think it's been five years."
"It's been five years," I heard Nash say. He sounded awfully disinterested, a little distant. "Hey, you should tell Lenny about ... your new ... your new tablet," he said with completely feigned enthusiasm. I could understand not going to the park often, but for a little girl with a pet dog? It didn't add up.
Fortunately for him, Kaylee either didn't pick up on his tone of voice, or she'd chosen to play it off as nothing. "Oh, yeah, it's super cool. Dad didn't want me having any devices of my own, but Deja told him she could easily monitor my screen time. I don't know how I feel about that, but it's nice to have something to entertain myself with. And now I can call Nash whenever I miss him."
"I think you're really taking advantage of that." I shifted positions. "Can I talk to your brother for a bit? I've gotta ask him something." I watched her smile falter a little bit and felt this weird tug in my chest. "I'll only be a minute, promise."
"Take your time. I think Darius has to go."
Darius barked once and the phone switched hands. I clicked the icon at the top right corner because I really didn't want to video chat. "I have a ton of questions to ask you."
"Somehow I expected that," he said with a low chuckle. "Ask away."
"What's up with your sister?"
"You've gotta be more specific."
"Okay, what's up with her ... specifically? The park thing? Are you sheltering her?"
There was a pause, followed by a series of barking. "Remember how I said she was disabled?" Heavy breath. "Kaylee lost her ability to walk five years ago. There wasn't really a point to visiting the park. She's been wanting to, and we tried it once, but the roads aren't wheelchair accessible. We barely made it past the driveway."
I let out a gasp. "So you mean she spends all of her time indoors?"
Nash sighed. "Pretty much."
"And you don't see anything wrong with that?"
"Look, Lenny, we don't have a choice. Lots of kids are homeschooled-"
"Does she even have any friends, Nash?"
"She does," he answered, surprising the hell out of me. "Just the one. Deja, her caretaker, has a son her age. They're both homeschooled. Together. By Deja."
I had a million questions running through my head, but one stood out more than the rest. Actually, two did, but one was more pressing than the other.
"If she's wheelchair bound, then how is she walking Darius?"
"She's not wheelchair bound. We're testing out prosthetics because she's adamant about getting back into dancing. She's also looking to go into actual school, and she can't mobilize herself with crutches-she doesn't know how to use them properly-so it's only reasonable. Plus, Dad and Deja think it's time."
Dancing. She used to dance. And now she can't. And she's eleven. And she hasn't been able to for five years. And I'm so confused. "What happened?"
I pictured him shaking his head. "Sorry, I have to go. Darius' leash just slipped out of Kaylee's hands. Talk later."
Sighing, I muttered, "Right. Bye." I had other things to do, anyway.
I know it's bad, but hear me out: I wrote it ages ago so, I don't know, don't hold it to me (is that how it goes?) Anywho, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! (Also, iMeet Cute was added to the YA? reading list; Love, Actually, so, yay. I'd double update but my laptop is currently out of order and having to fix italicization on my phone physically h u r t s.)
Until next week, or perhaps Friday,
- astro, lol <3