You had fallen asleep remembering the explosion, but soon your dream turned to something different, like someone was cranking a radio dial to switch the station.
One minute there had been fire and screaming and the distant sounds of gunfire, the next there was nothing.
No, not nothing. It was white-- pillowy, soft white-- untouched snow that dimpled with the crevices and creases of the icy ground beneath. You noticed an archway of some sort of stone, not man-made, but coming from the planet. Maybe the rib of some sort of huge animal, you thought, by the hollow indent all the way across. It was covered in snow and sprouting icicles, but that wasn't what caught your attention.
There was a figure walking under the archway. He was tall-- unnaturally so-- and dressed head to toe in black. You wished you could see his face, but it was covered in a shiny black helmet. His movements seemed heavy, robotic, like it either pained him to move or his limbs were too heavy. Still, something rang out in alarm in the pit of your gut, like a warning. Whoever this person was, he was dangerous.
The clouds rolled a stormy grey, the wind whipping a long cape behind his back as he stopped and knelt before something in the snow. A single gloved hand brushed over it, clearing it of snow, and then his fingers wrapped around it.
A lightsaber.
It was crusted in ice, but you could still make out the familiar handle. And then he stood to his full height and ignited it, and there was no doubt in your mind. That was Ahsoka's lightsaber he was holding.
He stood under the archway, dark clouds rolling overhead, wind whipping through his cape as he remained unmoving. And as you watched him stare at Ahsoka's ignited saber, you were overcome with a great sense of sadness. It was more than sadness. Grief is what you felt, an unimaginable amount, more than any you've ever felt before. Your body could hardly handle it, but it all seemed to be originating from that one man.
You woke up suddenly, quiet tears streaming down your face in steady currents. Your eyes ached and your pillow was soaked like you'd been crying for a while.
Confused, you brought a hand up to wipe them off. That awful grief you had felt was quickly slipping away, and you forgot what it had even felt like. You just remembered that it hurt.
But with the pain, the tears also left, and you tapped your comlink to get the time. Not a minute too early.
A shallow sense of satisfaction overcame you as you realized you had slept for four hours exactly, and pushing yourself out of the cot, you quickly made it up making sure to turn the pillow over so that the tear-soaked side was on the bottom. Then you straightened your clothes out and smacked your cheeks a couple times to shake off the remnants of the disturbing dream.
You were no stranger to stress dreams, and you guess that with everything happening lately, it would have been too much to ask for to be relieved of them for this one nap. So you dismissed your unease at it, shoving that image of the masked man in the barren snow holding Ahsoka's lightsaber to the furthest corner of your mind. You had other things to focus on right now.
When you got to the left docking bay of the Resolute, Anakin and Ahsoka were already there standing side by side, their arms crossed over their chests as they watched the transport ship land. The wind blew Anakin's hair and Ahsoka's lekku back, and you smiled at how they resembled each other.
As soon as the ship was down, Anakin was ushering everyone out and opening the doors. There were boxes and boxes of supplies, some of which were to restock the flagship, and others for your new mission. Dooku was rumored to be behind the sudden illness of the Princess, and following him around the galaxy from one planet to another was depleting a lot of resources.
Ahsoka would be on the scouting team for this mission, and she was confident she could root out the Sith lord this time, and then contact Anakin and Obi-Wan so they could defeat him together.
There was a lot of preparation going into all of this.
You were quickly swallowed by the hustle and bustle of clones grabbing boxes and carting them away-- bullets for blasters, spare ship parts, new clone armor. Before you could reach the ship, Ahsoka had already dug out the box that was meant for you, and was carrying it toward you.
"I can take that," you reached out, but she held it away from you.
"Don't worry, I've got it."
She really was just like Anakin-- independent, a little cocky, and always doing things for others.
"Show off," you teased, and followed her back into the hallway. You wanted to see Anakin but he was busy directing people around with boxes, so you went with Ahsoka instead, who took you back to her room.
"Damn, why is yours so much nicer than mine?" you gazed around the space, which really wasn't much bigger than yours but it had a desk built into the far wall and even a bathroom connected to it.
"Perks of being a commander," she grinned toothily and dropped your box off on the cot.
You pulled back the top and peered inside, nose crinkling at the amount of frills and pastels that looked back up at you. You'd been expecting more medic suits. "Who, exactly, chose my wardrobe for this?"
"Probably Master Windu," Ahsoka sat at the edge of the bed and kicked her feet. "He's very familiar with the customs of Elyria, so I would trust his judgement. You're supposed to look like a newlywed."
"Well what does Anakin have to wear then?"
"He gets to keep his Jedi robes."
"How is that fair?!"
Ahsoka looked at the ceiling, a little awkward now. "Well...you know newlyweds... with your cover story normally you'd be pregnant by now; therefore you get the comfortable, pretty clothes while he gets his regular ones."
That part wasn't in the article, but you guess it made sense. Closing the box back up, you hoisted it into your arms and headed for the bathroom to try all the clothes on. You didn't hate dressing up-- in fact, you loved wearing pretty things. Your whole life on Noxella, you had access to some of the most beautiful lace and silk dresses, and your love for them was never something you were ashamed of.
Celesta loved you for your fashion taste, and would often have little shows with you and Freya and Vera where she'd use you as a model to try on all of her new designs. She was your biggest hype woman when it came to anything fashion-related, and just by pulling out this first dress, you knew she would have loved it.
It was a baby pink, soft between the fingers, with the collar made of white lace. The shoulders puffed out a bit and the dress hung loosely just before your knees, cinched in around the waist with a ribbon. It was very girly, but you loved it. It was so cute.
You knew the exact way she would do your hair with it, too. Probably curl it and then pin your bangs back, letting a few strands hang in front of your face to compliment the shape. Or maybe she'd do a low bun-- a style you always hated, but somehow she made it look good on you. And then she'd do your makeup all shimmery and blushy--
Your fingers itched to dial her up on your com. The amount of times the two of you had gushed over lip colors and new shoes together... you could almost hear her voice squealing over the com right now. Sometimes it was so easy to forget everything that happened between those times and now, to resort to the good memories and pretend things were still like that.
But then you remembered everything that happened, and it was like a punch to the gut.
Sighing deeply, you tore the dress off and went for the next one. With each new dress, the baby blues and the soft yellow, through all the ribbons and lace and silk, you grew more and more lonely and sad. The hem of that yellow dress is something Celesta had taken inspiration from on one of her own pieces, and the lilac shade of that one nightdress was her favorite color.
Once you were done trying everything on, you folded everything back up and left the bathroom to find Ahsoka retrieving a large duffel bag from under the bed. You set the box back down and began moving the clothes over into it. She watched you, kicking her legs on the side of the bed as you did so.
"Okay, what's up."
"Huh?"
"You're all sad now. What happened?"
Her pointing it out didn't really help you hold back your tears. You could feel the annoying sting in the back of your eyes, but you swallowed down on them hard. You had already cried enough for today.
"I'm not sad," you replied with a pathetically wobbly voice. You don't know why you were so damn emotional today. Maybe it was that dream still playing with your emotions, the remnants of that grief lingering around and making you more sensitive than usual. Then again, you were beginning to realize that the more shit happened to you, the more sensitive you got, and that's why you were such a blubbering baby lately.
"I can literally feel that you're hurting so you might as well tell me what's up," Ahsoka looked at you all unimpressed. You sighed and plopped another dress into the bag, frustrated with yourself.
"I just... I miss my friends."
There. You said it. You thought it would sound stupid saying it out loud, but it didn't. Not really. Pathetic, maybe, but not stupid because your aching heart knew that it was only the truth. And now it was out there for Ahsoka to see.
She didn't grimace and ask you why, like you expected. She wasn't the hugest fan of the girls you used to hang around with, only knowing the bad side of them really, but she also knew that things weren't always bad with you. If you loved them, there must have been something good there to love.
So she sat back against the wall, pulling her legs up and folding them underneath her. She regarded you for a moment, watching as you continued packing in awkward silence.
"You don't have to feel bad about needing time to heal," she told you. "It's barely been a month since that all happened. It takes time to grieve, especially when you've lost so much."
Her words forced the air out of your lungs, all of your strength going towards keeping your tears at bay.
It just wasn't fair. You remembered feeling like this the first time, when you lost your friends back home on Noxella. You couldn't blame them for up and leaving you out of nowhere-- you were distant and angry all the time, always carrying a dark cloud around with you, and stressing over everything. No wonder they didn't want you around. Still, it hurt knowing that the people who said they'd be by your side forever could just up and leave so easily.
And then it happened again. You let your walls down, and you let those girls in, and you let yourself love and be loved by them. And they turned around and hurt you in the exact same way. You could never allow yourself to be vulnerable with anyone else, not after that, not when all anyone seemed to know how to do is leave you.
You were starting to think you were destined to be alone.
"Y/n," Ahsoka called you out of your thoughts gently.
You shook your head, clearing it all away. "Thank you, 'Soka." And then you dropped the bag to the floor and took its place, leaning against the wall next to Ahsoka with your legs dangling off the bed. It was nice having her here, like a little sister who was far too wise for her age.
You turned to her suddenly. You knew she had friends back at the Temple-- she was pretty and talented and friendly-- so naturally everyone loved her. And you also knew that she was extremely close with Anakin and Obi-Wan, like family, no matter how much the Order tried to prevent that from happening. But you also felt a little bad for her. She had grown up fighting this war, a child soldier, surrounded by clones and generals and chasing after evil sith all her life.
You wondered if she'd ever known the simple pleasure of giggling about something stupid with a girl friend. Of dressing up in frilly clothes and doing her makeup all ridiculous and then smearing it all over to mess it up. You wondered if someone had ever bought her her favorite drink when she was sad, or told her it was okay to have feelings for a specific person.
These were some of the things you and your old friends would do. Looking at Ahsoka now, you realized they were all things you had been privileged to experience. While you were running around living a glamorous life with these girls and blindly setting yourself up for heartbreak, she had been out here fighting a war that she didn't even cause.
You could be so damn selfish sometimes.
"Ahsoka," you said, and the syllables sounded awkwardly strained coming out of your throat. You were never good at initiating vulnerable talks, but this was something that needed to be said.
"Yeah?"
"Those girls that I was friends with..." She listened quietly, meeting your eyes when you looked at her. "Before they gave up on me, we were like a family. I just... I just hope that someday you get to experience the kind of friendship they gave me."
She was smiling now, thinking about Anakin and Obi-Wan and the clones and you. Her reply was simple. "I already have."