JAY'S POV:
Most of my 'roomies' are beginning to accept my presence. Perhaps it's because they've witnessed my nightmares for almost a week. They still don't talk much, and I don't either, leaving that job to Samir. I still let him eat most of my food and only eat the stuff he forces me to swallow. A couple of times, I've just thrown it up again. Some days are worse than others.
Samir encourages me to write more in my notebook and sometimes, we lie on our bunk beds and write in silence. We never talk about what we note down and I have quickly written more pages than I have before in my entire life. I notice that Samir's writing is surprisingly even, and he doesn't have much trouble controlling the movements of his hands. His writing is not only neat, he also seems to be close to filing out his book.
A guard calls my name and tells me I have a visitor. I make my way to the gate with Samir curiously following along beside me.
My visitor appears to be a rather tense Jason. He nods at me and I reply with another one. Jason's appearance is enough to keep most people in here away from him. Whether that is because of his steely expression or his numerous weapons is debatable, but I can see in his eyes he is just as scared of everyone here as they are of him despite his guns. Even Samir retreats and puts some distance between himself and Jason, but he stays close enough to listen in on our conversation.
"How are you?" Jason asks me, awkwardly, as if the answer wasn't obvious. With little sleep and little appetite, I can't claim I look my best.
"How's Elena and the baby?" I ask, trying to change the subject. "She's pretty far along, yes?"
Jason tries to be strict with me but the mention of his family softens him. "Yeah, they're doing fine. Everything looks good," he replies. "But what I want to know is how are you?"
"I'm doing what is asked of me," I tell him, referring to the mission. He catches it.
"Good," he mumbles. "But are you sure you're up to it? You look like death."
I wince, and Jason's expression is full of regret. He was trying to make a joke, but he didn't think about the meaning behind the words.
"I just mean you don't look so good," Jason mumbles, trying to glaze it over. "Are you sure you should be here?"
"Where else should I be?" I reply sharply, failing to control my temper. "I belong here, isn't that what you meant?"
Jason looks like he's about to get mad too, but he stops it, and frowns instead. "I didn't mean it like that!" he tries to explain, but I don't want to hear what else he has to say. "Tell me what I can do, Jay, please! I want to help you."
I try to step away from him, but he blocks my way easily. "I know you're upset about Cory, but he's upset, too. Maybe you two should talk instead of ignoring each other like this," Jason suggests.
"No," I argue and try to leave for a second time, but Jason's hand on my chest stops me again.
I look my best friend in the eye. "Get out of here, Jason," I order him. Finally, he lets me move away. I don't look back, not about waiting for him to leave before me.
Samir follows me again and I return to my bed, lying down, while Samir sits on his bed, staring at me, wondering what to do.
"It must be nice to get a visit," he says, and I glance at him in confusion.
He shrugs. "My family's only been here once. And it didn't go so well," he admits, and several emotions show in his face.
I sit up, at least able to lend him an ear like he's lend me one.
"They think I'm possessed by an evil spirit," he explains. "So... they didn't want to talk to me. And they left, trying to fend me off. I hadn't seen them for at least two years before that. And I was really looking forward to it, you know? But now... it's been months since I've seen them." He smiles sadly. "But at least they are well. My mother, my father, my little sister, and my brother. I am lucky to have so much family left."
There is water building in Samir's eyes, but it doesn't fall. Instead, he offers me another half-smile and reaches over to hug me and I let him.
Another few days pass and I still don't manage to talk to talk to anyone but Samir. After dinner one night when he offers to take both of our bowls to be washed, I spot him talking to someone, clearly not wanting to be overheard. I narrow my eyes and look away when Samir comes back and offers to take me for a walk around the courtyard. There's a tree there that he loves to hang out by. He touches the leaves, sometimes smelling them, telling me how important nature is and how one of the few good things of this new world is that mother nature has reclaimed a lot of territory in the absence of manmade machines. I try to smell the leaves too but don't get much of a whiff from them. Samir is full of surprises and I don't understand his ability to remain cheerful despite the fact that he clearly misses his family everyday.
He begins to talk about relationships and how he wished he had had the guts to ask a girl out. He had always wanted a girlfriend but hadn't been lucky enough to find the right girl, he explains. In that way, he thinks this is a great second chance to fulfill that wish.
"But what about your love?" he asks me. "Why is it over?"
I sigh. "That's a very long story..."
Samir gives me a look. "I have time, my friend. There's not much to do in here, as you know," he states, raising both eyebrows.
I reluctantly tell him how I've ended up here and he sometimes has to drag the answers out of me. Samir doesn't quit until I've told him everything there is to say. Something I haven't talked about since the break-up but I've thought about plenty enough.
"He's probably never going to speak to me again," I say, hoping Samir will get the message soon and stop torturing me. It's like he's trying to be the real-life version of that damned notebook I'm supposed to be writing in.
"Well..." Samir says and indicates that I should turn around.
My breath is knocked out of me when I do and see the one person I miss most of all. His arms are crossed and he's obviously trying to show me he's angry with me - but I can tell my appearance worries him.
Cory makes a face. "I was just with Marc," he begins with a defiant expression. The words have the desired effect; they are meant to hurt and they do.
I avert my eyes to the ground instead of looking at him.
"... Then Jason corners me and tells me you're starving yourself."
He gives me a stern look. I don't have to see his face to know what that expression looks like. He also did this when I first returned and he used to do it every time he was unhappy with something I'd done.
I shrug. As happy as I was to see him five seconds ago, that's how painful it is now. I want him to leave, so I can go back to sticking the pieces of myself together again. I'm doing a poor job as it is. I don't need him here to make it harder.
"Do you mind telling me what the big idea is?" Cory demands. "Have you forgotten how many people depend on you? Have you forgotten about all the people you hurt when you left? Do you think we'll allow you to do that to us again?!" His voice rises a few octaves at the end of the statement.
I glance at him apologetically, but I have no answer. It's nice to know he still cares. Then, in a way, I wish I didn't have to know anything about him anymore. At this point, I'll do anything to keep the pain at bay, just for a second.
With a groan, Cory shakes his head. "You're unbelievable!" he exclaims, on the verge of anger, until he runs a hand over his face and manages to calm himself down.
"Look," he says. "I'm sorry. About everything. Just... eat something. And try and take care of yourself, will you?"
I nod, slowly.
Despite himself, Cory comes over and puts his arms around me. I hesitate to return the embrace but when I do, he squeezes me a little tighter. I sigh, the feeling and smell of him making me relax more than I have for some time.
Then Cory leaves without another word and without another look.
My eyes follow him walking away until he disappears behind the gate.
I don't have to turn around to know Samir is watching me with more concern than I deserve. So are a couple of our other roomies. Samir asks me to come along as he puts his long arm around my shoulder in comfort. He might have an annoying habit of commenting on absolutely everything, but he is also the only friend I have in here. At least, I hope he is.
"Are you just going to let him go like that?" Samir asks me as we sit down near that tree he likes.
I shrug. "We've not together anymore..."
Samir hitches an eyebrow. "Excuse me?" he says, looking at me like I'm stupid. "You obviously became blind after your break-up. That guy clearly still has feelings for you."
Looking at Samir's earnest face, it takes me several moments to think of something to say. I have to deal with the rawness of emotion in my gut.
"Maybe you should talk to him again? You know really talk to him?" Samir suggests, picking his nails out of boredom.
"Why?" I questioned. "He's with someone else now. He doesn't need me."
Samir looks up, again trying to indicate to me that I got it all wrong. "Seriously, my friend, don't you think that's because you had enough in your own problems? Did you ask him how he felt at all?"
My mouth drops open and a million thoughts race through my mind, as Samir continues his argument. He is very honest and sometimes it stings.
"I think you need to remember that love is a double-sided thing," Samir continues. "It doesn't work if only one side gives. It has to be both."
"And that's how easy it is?" I say sarcastically.
Samir shrugs. "Well, it's what my mother always told me," he replies, gazing upwards now. "We have very short time here. My parents have been married for 26 years. We must admit our mistakes and try to fix them as soon as we can. I think you need to talk to your love, my friend. Something is stuck between you."
It's true and I know it. I should talk to Cory about everything that's happened in the last several months. But I have always just thought it was better to give him space... And what if I were to return to my undead state? Then our relationship would be impossible. The idea that Cory may feel that I haven't been there for him isn't preposterous. I have been wallowing in my own sadness for way too long without thinking about what it was doing to him. My whole idea of protecting him has backfired spectacularly. Funny enough, I only see that now.
There's just one thing I want to do and that is to lie in our bed and feel Cory's breath on my neck while he sleeps. It's the most peaceful place of I know - and I may never be there again. The argument is still so searing in my memory. I said some stupid things and I can't believe I let Cory go. I already miss him more than anything.
I stare at my dog tag and recall Cory's face when I handed it to him to make him accept that I was back, that I was really me. I fought so hard to get to that point. And now I'm giving up and throwing all that away.
I clutch the necklace in my hand and curl up in ball under my covers while more memories of the man I love floods my mind.
Today is not a good day.