Alright here is an update everyone. Its again in Liam's POV, btw. Thought it needed to be in his POV.
And how is everyone doing?? Alright?
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I open my eyes and stare at the dark ceiling above me forlornly. Should have known, should have seen it coming. But I didn't. I don't know what call these, night mares or just memories.
Yeah, it's wonderful that I have my memories as dreams. But at the same time, it reminds me of what I lost. I'm still struggling to come in terms of it, struggling to get it in and pretend like I'm fine.
Because I know, seeing me under the rain at the tomb shook everyone. Harry had called me and scolded me for returning back to my home so soon, but I just needed to do it. I don't know how to explain the urge to him. And right now, I'm in my room with Zayn.
Speaking of which.
I look at him sideways, to find out that he is awake and watching me with sad eyes. I kept the dreams from all of them for a reason, but Zayn has sniffed it I can say.
"You okay?" he asks softly, his thumb brushing against my cheek when he cups it. I nod silently and snuggle into his arms for comfort.
"Just miss her too much" I confess and he sighs. He kisses my forehead and pulls his jumper over both of us. I feel his warm skin against my skin, beneath my palms and it's just what I needed.
"I'm sorry" I whisper into the dark, keeping my eyes fixed on his neck. "I gave you a scare"
"It's okay. Don't apologize for that, babe" I hear him sigh "You were just mourning for her, yeah?"
"I mean, yeah" I nod softly and look up at him. I can't make out much details, but I could see his eyes. "I'm sorry though. Should have informed you guys before I left"
"We wouldn't have let you leave the house"
"Yeah" I nod and he shrugs one shoulder.
"We didn't mean to house arrest you, Liam" he says "We were just worried"
"I know" I nod, rubbing my hands along his skin. "I love you, Zayn. And I don't know if would have held on if not for you. It feels like you are the reason that I'm holding on"
"Hey, stop it" he shakes his head, pulling back to look down at me "I love you too, but you are strong, Liam. You are going to be okay"
I nod again and lean up to kiss him. And he welcomes the distraction with open arms.
---
I find my mum's dairy in her closet. I didn't know she had one until my dad told me about it. And a part of me wants to pretend I never found it. But another part of me wants to see what's in there. What were her dreams before it happened?
But I know. Reading it would kill me for sure. I just know there is pain along the way if I decide to read it. So I do what I could think off. I go to Zayn with the dairy. I have been to his house just once after I got my eyesight back. And he wasn't lying when he said he has a frame of me in his bedroom.
The house is silent and empty when I finally make it there. Louis must be with Harry and Louis' family is out. Zayn's the only one home.
"Hey" he looks up at me from his sketch book. He sets it aside and opens his arms for me. I don't hesitate to fall into them gratefully. "What's wrong, Jaan?"
"I found this" I reveal the dairy "But I'm scared to read it because I know it's going to be painful. My dad left it to me to read it or just keep it. I don't know what to do"
"Oh" he gazes at the rich green dairy for few minutes silently. "Suppose you should wait for a while"
"I can't" I shake my head "Fuck, I know. I'm confusing you. Zaynie, I want you to read and tell me if I'm strong enough to read it now. Or should I wait"
"No" he shakes his head immediately "It's your mum's Liam. How can I read it?"
"Stop it" I tell him "I know she would have loved you. She wouldn't mind, Zayn, please."
"Babe, what if there were stuffs she meant to keep secret?"
"Those secrets are all I have left of her, the words left for me by her" I tell him, my eyes burning with tears the next second. He sighs and pulls me into his lap. I wrap my legs and arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. I close my eyes, distinctly hearing the dairy being opened behind my back. I remain silent as he reads, the silence filled with sound of page flipped over occasionally.
It's scary how I trust Zayn with this, how much I depend on him for everything literally. And it scares me what I will do if we are torn apart. I know he would never break up with me, but what if the same thing with my mum happens with Zayn.
I shake my head to myself. No. None of that. I'm in his arms right now. He is safe.
"You okay?" he questions upon my head shake.
"I'm fine, it's nothing" I say, because it's completely ridiculous. He goes silent at my answer and continues reading. There aren't many entries, I guess. But there are enough to give me another break down.
It's after half an hour that I hear the dairy being snapped closed. He sets it in his bedside drawer and I pull back to look at him. His eyes are glassy and he looks physically pained.
"Yeah?"
"You shouldn't read this dairy" he tells me "Not until I tell you so"
"Hide it away from me" I request "Because I know I will read it if I have it with me"
"Okay" he agrees easily, rubbing circles into my waist. "It's going to be okay, Liam. It's just hard at first, you know that right?"
"It's fresh" I nod "It will get better soon"
"Yeah" he nods back, slipping his hands under my shirt to caress my skin. And I try not to react to his touch, but I can't remember one time my body hadn't reacted to his touch. Even if it's as simple as this one. I lean forward and capture his lips with my own, my hands sneaking into his hair.
I can feel his stubble scratching against my chin and it reminds me of the time when I felt it against my inner thighs. The memory, the feel of the memory has me deepening the kiss by gripping his hair and tilting his face for better access to his lips. I can feel his hand gripping the tattoo and I just love how possessive he is of me.
It gets pretty heated kiss soon and god knows how much I have missed this. He went back to soft-kisses-only rule after I got my eyesight back. It's been weeks since we kissed this deeply. And the feel of him beneath me makes me roll my hips down, desperate for some friction and emit a moan from him.
"Hey" he pulls back to look at me softly. "Are you sure?"
"Could use some lovely distraction" I say with a soft smile. "Besides, I miss you."
"I miss you too" he says, bringing up a hand to caress my cheek. "I just don't want to push you"
I roll my eyes "I want you now, Zayn"
×××××
That has the desired effect. His eyes widens and a soft pinkness blooms in his cheeks. I take his lips again, and grind down against him. He breaths shakily against me, his hands sneaking under my shirt in desperation of more skin. I pull back and pause only to remove my shirt. And go back to kissing him again.
I don't look down at myself, afraid to see my physical transformations. He pants against me and pulls back. I help him off his shirt and stare like a creep the next second.
Look. I know. I do.
I know he is beautiful. But very often, he makes me realize it again and again. Right now, seeing his bare skin for the first time makes me want to caress them with my lips, let my heart tattoo the feel to itself. I run my hands down his chest softly, feeling the familiar curves and smoothness of his skin. He is just so surreal all the fucking time and it's amazing.
"Alright, you need to stop looking at me like that" I hear him say and look at him blankly. He is completely pink, looking like deer caught in headlights. I realize how new it must be for him. That I can look at him now, can see him when we do it.
"Why?" I question, never stopping the actions of my hands to discover him.
"Why?! Because it's freaking me out"
"You stared at me all the time" I point out with a smirk "Did I ever complain?"
"Yes, you did"
"I remember pointing it out" I hum "But I never complained. So, you shouldn't complain too"
"Fuck, it's hard" he says, his breath stuttering when I brush my thumbs against his nipples "Liam"
"Yeah?"
"You have no idea how scary this is" he tells me "You are looking at me like a hungry wolf"
I smirk again "Really? Wow"
"Shut up" he mutters. And flips us over to straddle my thighs. He makes a quick work of my jeans and chucks it away from me. And removes his own jeans at my complaining. I take in his olive skin tinted with gold, so flawless and smooth. He just looks so beautiful and I want to worship him.
I'm the luckiest man on the planet, after all.
He covers his body with mine, bare skin meeting bare skin and our gazes locking together. It is sort of scary and thrilling, actually. It makes the whole thing even deep and intimate for me, to look into his eyes and watch him...Jesus.
His lips find mine as he rolls his hips down. The thin layer of clothing makes it more pleasurable and I feel my body buzz with it. I don't know what makes me decide it and flip us over so that I'm hovering over him. He pulls back to look at me blankly and I feel my face heat up.
"Um, let me do the work?" I request "Let me take care of you"
"You mean, you want to switch?" he asks, sounding wary and I nod. "Well..."
"Do you not want to?" I ask and he shrugs.
"Just feel weird about it" he confesses "Never had done it before"
"I'm glad I'm going to be your first" I smile.
"So guess we are about to find out how this works out, hmm?"
"Yeah" I grin and smirk before covering his body with my own, connecting our lips again. I rub down against him roughly, making both of us groan in pleasure. I leave his lips, and slowly start making my way down, savoring every inch of his skin and taking in his gasps of pleasure.
I smirk before kissing his nipple and he gasps, staring wide eyed down at me. Keeping his eyes locked with mine, I take the bud into my wet mouth, making him arch his back.
I circle the other one with my free hand and I chuckle when I find him turning into a mess, hands fisting the sheets already.
His eyes roll up in pleasure when I suck on his nipple and he stutters out my name breathlessly. His mouth falls open, and I give a hard tug which makes him close his eyes and hold on to the bed sheets for dear life. I close my eyes as I savor the taste of him and he pants beneath me. He tugs at my hair painfully, but that only adds to pleasure.
I hook my fingers to his boxers and look up at him for permission. He nods to me and with that, I rip off the last clothing, staring shamelessly at him. Fuck. Again. He has made me speechless with his flawless beauty.
"You are so beautiful" I tell him and he smirks smugly.
"Why don't you get down to it already? Enough of teasing" he says and raises his eyebrows expectantly. His eyes are blown wide with pleasure and lust for me, and his hair is sticking to his forehead already. It's a gifted sight to me. And I realize again for umpteenth time that it's worth every pain I felt at getting my eyesight back if I get to see this.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but I didn't expect the loud groan he lets out when I wrap my lips around his tip. He throws his head back against the pillow and pants when I take him all the way in. I gag twice doing that, the feeling so weird and new to me. But the gasps and moans Zayn's letting out makes me want to do this a thousand times more.
I swirl my tongue around him for a while, but he shakes his head after few minutes, and tugs impatiently at my hair. I pull back and can still feel him inside my mouth. Hope I don't remember that in awkward situations.
"Need you" he rasps, tugging me up to him. I take him in like an alcoholic drinking wine after years. I remember all those time I desperately wished to just see him, and I'm so thankful now. So fucking thankful for giving me the pleasure to witness his beautiful sight.
And I know. I will fall for him a million more times in future. It brings tears to my eyes, the emotions I feel for him at the moment along with lust and desire, it's all bracketed with love, overwhelming love for this beautiful boy who saved me.
"Stop staring at me and get on with it already" he complains and I blink. And he calls me demanding. "Or I'm going to flip us over and take the matter in my own hands"
"Bossy and demanding" I chuckle, reaching for his bedside drawer "It's in here, yes?"
"Yeah" he says, running his hands along my sides and latching his mouth to my neck. I feel my actions stutter at that, and I close my eyes to take that in. I want more, want a release because both of us are hard and leaking. I rummage inside blindly as he keeps sucking bruise after bruise into my skin, and finally wrap my hand around the bottle. And I pull back impatiently in search of condoms.
"Got it" I wave it in the air and he rolls his eyes.
"I still mean it. Just get on with it" he says, tugging me closer. I see a vulnerability in his eyes that I never saw before, so I keep my eyes locked with his through all the process of coating my fingers and getting on with it.
He clenches his eyes shut when I slowly push in a finger into his wet heat. He grimaces uncomfortably, his hand clenching my hair in a tight grip.
"This feels so weird" he grits out "How do you do this all the time?"
"No idea" I chuckle. He urges me on despite his uncomfortableness. And his eyes are clenched shut upon third finger. He winces and grimaces when I scissor him open. I have full mind just to stop, but he won't listen.
"I'm ready" he rasps at last, looking at me with so much love and trust that I just feel like melting right there. And when I'm finally slicked up and start to push in, his face scrunches up in obvious pain. He gasps and trembles beneath me, his nails digging into my shoulder and back. I know how that sting would feel like and frankly, I kinda miss it.
"Hey" I breathe out, half way in. "We can stop if it's too much"
"I just need to adjust" he says, breathless and flushed "Go on, baby"
He pulls me in for kiss when I continue pushing into his tight, wet heat. I can ask him the same, how he does this all the time. But I'm kissing him to distract him from the pain. He gasps loudly against me and I gasp too, feeling him clenching me so tightly that it makes me see stars for a moment. We stay like that for a while, gasping against each other and breathing in each other. He caresses my cheek even then, looking at me with love filled with wet eyes.
"I love you" he rasps out, his eye slipping a tear down his temple. "I fucking love you so much"
"I love you too" I whisper, and kiss him softly. The pat on my back has me moving slowly. And both of us groan when I push back in.
"Alright, fuck yeah. Like that" he moans out, his eyes getting unfocused and rolling back in pleasure. I maintain the slow rhythm for a while, until he literally glares at me and threatens that it's not too late to switch positions. Chuckling in amusement, I pick up a rhythm, and quicken my phase.
"You look so fucking beautiful, baby" I tell him in between thrusts "I'm so glad I can see this. See you, fuck"
A steady stream of 'ah ah' leaves his mouth and he closes his eyes in daze of pleasure, taking it all in. I watch him without blinking, and tattoo it to my heart. I run my lips along his jawline when his body jolts sharply with pleasure, and he pulls me flush against him, his fingers dragging painfully across my back. I bury my face into his neck and moan loudly when he clenches around me tightly. I bite into his neck sharply, and balance myself on one hand to wrap another around him.
Our moans fills the room and sends goose bumps erupting across my skin. Within few tugs, he's coming hard with a breathless gasp and dilated pupils. It's an image I'm going to treasure forever and I feel pride in the fact that nobody has seen him this way before.
He is mine. All mine. I want it to be forever, want to do this with him every night we go to bed together. Wanna see his sleeping form every morning I wake up.
I can only hope and pray to god that it will be forever.
I chase my own orgasm into his limp form and collapse on him when it washes me hard like tidal waves, definitely making me stars for few moments. For few minutes, we stay like that. It feels gross and sticky, but I'm in too much dazed to care. When I finally pull out, he winces and curses sharply.
"I'm sticking to topping" he says and I chuckle.
"Right" I shake my head, wrapping my hand around his neck and drawing him closer for a sweet kiss.
×××××
The boys knew what we were up to. And Louis is having endless fun at teasing Zayn ("Finally switched places, did you?" and receives a deadly glare from Zayn in response). Harry pretended like he didn't see Zayn wince every time he sat down or even found it hard to walk without limping. Niall took pity on Zayn and spared him all the teasing. But Louis though.
I have my therapy session and support group meeting the very next day. Dr. May and the members of the support group get a mini heart attack at seeing me like this. I tell Dr. May about the events that happened after I got my eyesight back. Thankfully, I don't have another breakdown.
All of us have got responses from the universities and colleges we applied for. And we sit in Niall's living room to stare down at it anxiously.
"We should open it" I suggest. "And get this over with"
All of us start opening the manila envelopes and I feel my heart start to race in anxiety.
"I-uh, got admitted into University of Manchester" Louis says and Niall grins at him.
"Fuck yeah! Me too!" Niall grins. I pull out my own stack of letters to see if I got accepted too. And grin when I found out, indeed yes. I got in.
"I'm in" I look at Zayn and Harry. Our smiles fall in unison when we see them both looking disappointed.
"I didn't get in" Zayn tells us "Missed it somehow"
"Harry?" Louis calls him. Harry just shakes his head silently without meeting our eyes.
"Well, we can always check with other universities" Niall says encouragingly.
"I already got emails from Alaska and London" Louis sighs "I didn't get it"
"Me too" Niall says "It's a tough competition."
"I didn't check my emails from them" I tell them "But I'm sure I didn't get accepted"
"I got admitted in London's arts college" Zayn says "Received the mail this morning"
"Me too" Harry says. He looks like he is verge of tears. And I feel hope deflate in me as well.
"Shit" Niall curses softly, all of his excitement evaporating. Silence engulfs us along with disappointment and sadness. We didn't get into the same institution like we hoped for. Harry and Zayn are torn away from us.
I feel tears brim my eyes. I can't imagine a day without both of them. But the sane part of me points out how hard it is to get into London's art college.
"What are we going to do?" Louis breaks the silence.
"No idea" Zayn shakes his head.
"You both got accepted in London" Louis says softly "That's an achievement guys"
Harry glares at him sharply. "Don't even think about it"
"Harry, come on" Louis says softly "You are not going to say no"
"Fuck, yes. I am" Harry hisses "I'm not going to London. It's too far"
"Harry-"
"End of discussion" Harry cuts him off, tossing his papers on the tea table and leaving the room. Louis sighs and stands up to follow him.
"Guess, I will go help me mum" Niall nods to himself and leaves the room. I don't dare to look at Zayn. Because I know he is looking at me.
I know what decision we are supposed to make right now. He has to give his acceptance to the London Arts College and join it along with Harry. But just the thought of him faraway scares me.
"Liam" Zayn calls softly, and sits down beside me. "Hey"
"You should go to London"
His face pales. "No"
"Zaynie-"
"No" he repeats, disbelief clear in his eyes "No, Liam. I can't believe you are suggesting me this"
"You can't waste a very good opportunity, Zayn" I point out softly. "You can't say no to that"
"I am saying no to that" he states "I'm not leaving you guys"
"Zaynie" I sigh "Do you think I would be happy with you gone?"
"Yet you are suggesting it!"
"Because it's what you are supposed to choose" I point out "We both are so addicted and dependent on each other, Zayn. We need to learn to live without each other"
He laughs in disbelief. "What? Why the fuck should we do that? Don't you have any hope for us, Liam?"
"That's not what I meant" I argue "One of the reasons both of us doesn't want this is because we are insecure of each other"
He goes silent at that.
"I'm scared you will find someone better" I say unashamedly "You are scared I would find someone who doesn't know my dark secrets"
He flicks his eyes away at that. "I can't help it"
"Exactly" I point out "We need to learn to trust each other. Maybe, in future, what if we had to live faraway for a while? We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. And we need to trust each other, baby. You need to trust that despite being miles away, you are all I would be thinking of"
He clenches his eyes shut and shakes his head. "I can't, Liam. I can't stay away from you. I won't survive it"
"You need to, Zayn. We need to. And it's going to be okay"
"No, it's not going to be okay" he snaps and stands up in his place. "I'm not going to London, Liam. I'm sorry"
----
It takes about a month to convince both of them. Yet, they are still against the decision. The begging I and Louis did past month is hilarious. I don't know how I'm so strong about this decision. But maybe, I do know. The fear of losing Zayn gripping me all the time, I need to learn that he is going to be with me no matter what.
I need to learn not to depend on him for everything.
Or rely on Harry for strength and support. It doesn't mean I'm pushing them away. I'm learning how to stand up on my own. It was a hard decision, but it was needed to be made.
In mean time of joining Uni, Zayn drags me along to Bradford to spend some time with his family. Surprisingly, his family never makes me feel like a stranger. Instead, they make me feel like I've been part of their family for years. It makes me feel loved and special.
I get to see all of Zayn's and Louis' childhood pictures. And watch Zayn grimace in embarrassment at every stupid photo.
"Oh, god. Not that" he groans, covering his face. It's a picture of him in tiny shorts and playing with Louis in a pond.
"I don't find anything weird in this" I frown at him.
"I'm practically naked in that" Zayn says flatly.
"It's not like I have never seen you naked before" I shake my head to myself. And it's only after a beat do I realize what I just said. In front of his whole family.
Zayn looks like he wants to bury himself under a grave right there and I would gladly join him. The look on his parent's and sister's faces is too much to take in.
"Um" I grimace, my face burning in embarrassment.
"And here I thought you were innocent" Safaa says, making me turn even red. Doniya is smirking and Trisha is red as well. Yaser turns his attention back to the newspaper he is reading with a disapproving shake of his head and something along the lines 'Need to have a chat with Geoff soon' muttered under his breath.
That was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, seriously.
Spending about a week with Zayn's family, I feel like I have got a new family to call my own. And we fly back together with all the blissful memories stored in our hearts.
I and the boys help my dad in his shop on our free time. I know I'm going to miss us together so badly, but the sacrifice is worth it. I have faith that we won't drift apart.
It's on our grocery shopping trips that it happens. Zayn is reading off the list and I'm collecting the items when we hear the commotion. I looked over to see that a lady has dropped her basket of items to floor and is staring at me in some sort of shock.
I had dropped to my knees immediately to help her pick up. The only thing is, she never helped me. Even when she got the basket from me, there was an obvious shock to her and some venom in her eyes.
I had shrugged it off and continued with grocery shopping. But it made me frown when I saw Zayn telling her something smugly and following me after. It's only on our way back does he reveal that the lady back there was Nina.
I try not to think too much about her. She bears too much haunting memories. And I hope I never run into her again. Realizing what she looks like after all she did to me, it's hard not to think about it. But Zayn knew it, because he has me right after we reach home. And doesn't let me spare a single thought of her, but instead has me busy moaning his name.
They will be gone within a week. And I force myself to be strong and never let any of them see how much I hate this decision myself. I just hope I will survive without Zayn and everything will turn out right at the end of this.
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Alright. Writing Top liam was a very weird experience for me. How did it turn out? Good or bad?
There would be one more chapter and epilogue in Zayn's POV. And the fic would end with that.
Ahh I can't believe it's gonna end soon. I'm gonna miss this soooo much :(