Chapter 33
"Clare... are you serious?" He asked, as if he didn't believe it. Watching with amusement from the couch, my eyes moved between the two disagreeing spouses. I wasn't shocked a bit that this was happening when we got back from camping. Being exposed and out in public again, you can bet people want me back on my medication. Otherwise, sooner or later, I just might become a serial killer and slaughter every person in this town.
Clare stepped closer to him, trying to receive his understanding. He wasn't ready to offer it yet, which just kept my smile up. It was perfect too. A few days after I tell him about my mothers issues with possibly covering up shit, this happens. I knew it just made him more reluctant to easily agree for me to go back to the doctors.
"Well... yes," she said, innocently, resting her hand on top of his. "I want Albany to be stable. So she can maybe find the truth and see me again."
"Ha!" I cracked up loudly, slapping my hands together for emphasis on just how great that was. Both pairs of eyes seemed to recall I was still sitting there, watching them as they talked. "That's a good card you just played, Clare. Though you're as stupid as you look, I give you props for coming up with that one."
Sensing Luke's eyes turned back to Clare, she continued to look at me, sympathy forming over her face. Just a show, a mask. An ugly one at that too. She continued to look at me with those sad eyes and hurting face. Awe. Poor Clare.
He stared at her, hard. He had no sympathy over her. Just as mad as I knew he had a right to be, I also liked that he was trying to keep me away from there. "Clare, she's been off the medicine for over a year." Clare looked back up at him and I saw his hand hesitantly grasp hers, in hope that she wouldn't make me go. "She is a better person and it's because I'm here to help her. No doctors, just me. And I think it's working."
"Then why can't she see reality yet?" she asked, her voice low and quiet.
Luke, in that moment, glanced my way and meet my eyes. I think he understood as much as I did that that wouldn't happen. Ever. For me, it wouldn't because it already was reality. For him, I think he knew that I could never be convinced that she is an angel. Honestly, looking into his deep eyes, I was starting to question where his thoughts stood on whether I should hate or love Clare.
Looking back to Clare, he sighed, his face slightly softening. No matter where he stood though, that love for her still was there. How? Good fucking question. Only thing I can come up with is she is just an incredible actor.
"Because she isn't ready to yet," he lied, forcing himself to speak more softly.
I saw that despite her need to please Luke, she was getting impatient. That's one thing she couldn't hide from him of her real self.
"Luke honey," she said, biting her lip to keep her temper from showing. She took a deep breath I noticed and got comfortable again. The show wasn't over yet. I had a good guess that Clare would win though. She smiled up at him. "No offense sweetie but... I'm her mother. I've known her her whole life. I know what's best for her."
Ooh. I think it was time to get the popcorn folks. She crossed a line; not exactly the words but of our history together. I first didn't think Luke would get as mad as he did; after all, she was right and I was wrong about the kind of childhood I had, growing up with her. Yet Luke's eyes narrowed on her and he moved his hand out of hers, clear anger on his face. He looked kind of hot when he was mad. Especially when at Clare.
"You know what's best for her...." His lips were tight, hands at his sides in frustrated fists. "So not teaching your daughter the essentials of life was best for her? How to count, tie her fucking shoes, take care of herself! Because that was obviously what was best for her. Teaching her, that's one thing. But to think you took care of her..." he shook his head. "I might not buy that you tortured and beat her, did those things to her because I know you wouldn't." He looked to me, power and truth on his face. Quickly looking back down into Clare's wide eyes as they faced each other a few feet away from where I was silently watching, he pointed to me as he spoke to her. "But how do you explain the obvious damage, of being known as insane? Whether she's making it up or not," he said softer, looking at me, his expression growing with an offer of connection, understanding, and... a longing for something I couldn't identify. "That girl right there, your daughter, has grown and changed immensely in the past month or more that I've spent time with her. She is learning, changing, growing from our time together. There is more life in that girl's eyes. And you know what that tells me, Clare?" He said, looking back to her and growled his next words to her, making my body tense. "I'm more of a parent than you are! And that's saying something because I'm not her father; I'm her friend. And that's all it took. Now, I don't know the details. I don't think you did those terrible things to her. But you know what? You screwed up at something along the way and it impacted her greatly. If she actually needs to take medication, it's to help her get out of this 'state' you put her in as a child."
I stared, mouth dropped open and I could feel my eyes were wide, looking quickly between them both, needing to see every detail of their reactions to each other. What he said... it was the last thing I expected. And it was amazing because me being who I am today is evidence enough that something went wrong with her raising me. She couldn't deny this; that she at least knew.
I was a little surprised at what she did next. She wasn't in tears, wasn't showing shame. She looked pissed off. Understandable I guess. I mean, you haven't seen your husband in a few days and a few hours after he gets back, he's yelling in your face. But being the bitch she is, it took nothing to get a wild reaction from her.
She stared icily up at him, scowling herself. There was a moment of nothing but silence before she quietly told him, "Yes, I'm sure I could have been a better parent. I wasn't always there for her when I needed to be. But don't you dare pin this all on me. It's not my fault that she has a clouded mind. And that came about at a young age. I was young, struggling as it was, and then I see my daughter hates me and accuses me for these unspeakable things.... I didn't know how to handle it but I tried. I tried helping her but every time I tried, she wouldn't have it." She sighed, looking at him in a more begging manner. "Throughout the years, she took the pills and they helped. Not much but they did so I want her back on them. Whether you agree with me or not, I decide. But I hope you agree," she added, as if a final plea.
Luke and I both knew that still wasn't an excuse - if that were the truth, which it wasn't. I saw though he kind of regretted bringing the whole thing up. He was pissed enough. Now, he saw there was no stopping this.
He kept himself under control, his words monitored and his voice limiting. He didn't want to deal with this fucked-upness any more. "Fine," he said, looking at me. "But I want to take her this time. She seems to find my company more bearable than yours."
"And... slam!" I said, laughing at Clare's dead expression. I tried ignoring the tugging at my chest over Luke's pain because I was happy she was suffering. I was happy he was fighting. Not because I wanted him to get hurt; it's for the best he leave her and start over.
Clare now looked ready to cry. She stood there still as Luke turned around, walking towards the front door. Putting his shoes on, he looked to me and I took that as my signal it was time to go. Sliding my shoes on as well, I walked out the door just behind Luke. When I turned to shut the door and saw Clare standing there, facing me in shock, what else did you want me to do? I flipped the bitch off before shutting the door and following his frustrated form out to his truck.
***
When he turned down a familiar driveway instead of the doctor's office, my mind started to run in circles. We were at his family's huge house. I couldn't get over how beautiful it was. But pushing that out of my mind, I focused on more important things as of now. Like why are we here? Oh man, are we skipping the appointment? If we were, this was a new step for Luke and sure to be another fight.
"Damn Luke, you're growing a set of balls!" I said, smiling as I looked over to him as he pulled in before stopping the truck. He glanced over to me, lips a hard line still that said he wasn't in the mood.
"We are still going. We are just picking Francis up first."
My eyes widened. I know Americans are naturally clueless and all but seriously, how was I suppose to guess this was going to happen? And for what reason would he be coming? I asked an obvious question. "Why?"
"I need to stop at the station after the appointment. In fact, that was my first priority. Then Clare tells me you have an appointment."
Wow. Great to know I was just holding him up by him taking me. But hey, he volunteered for the job.
My stomach twisted slightly for a few reasons. First of all, I think I had a right to continue to feel nervous at a police station. But with Francis too... two people that were once a part of what is now appearing to be a growing gang, drug dealing and doing, and other illegal and stupid shit. No matter how innocent we were now, I couldn't keep my guard down yet. The other reason my stomach twisted was from hope. Was he getting me those documents already to look through from there? I didn't think Luke would have been able to get those any time soon but hell if I know.
"And why are you going to the station? And with your brother?"
He pursed his lips as we waited in the truck. He glanced over to me, searching my eyes before he sighed. "It's nothing too serious. I just need him to answer a few questions about something that could be useful in this current situation. He's not in trouble or anything; he just agreed to help."
Uh... what? This better not have anything to do with our past with those assholes. He and I both knew all sorts of things that could be useful to the cops. We were smart to not say anything about it though. I wonder if that's what's happening now.
By the time Francis came out and opened my door, I looked up at him and smiled. I still couldn't believe he was Luke's brother. I wonder if Luke knew that Francis and I were once friends in the same group.
He looked confused at first as to why I was here. But after a second, he returned to me a smile himself. "Uh... hi, Albany." It was obvious he was still confused and from the look on his face, he was assuming something. As he was observing me, his soft hair being swept lightly in the breeze, his kind eyes resting on mine through the lenses of his glasses.
"Hey," I said as I unbuckled and slid over so he could get in. I didn't realize until I was there that I was crammed in the middle, between Luke and Francis when he got in. After he shut the door, he sighed and glanced over to where Luke and I were sitting closely together. Don't blame me for being okay with that. I was very aware of him, his presents against my left side. Sitting this close to him, I could smell his usual scent that made me want to moan every time I took a deep breath in through my nose.
As Luke started up the truck, Francis finally spoke. "What are you doing here? Are you getting questioned?" He asked me, smirking in a mocking way.
I pursed my lips, glancing to Luke's still stressed face. Smiling, I was more than happy to answer. It was a little hard though with being this close to them both. Glancing up at Francis, he looked slightly ammused at the situation or what it appeared to be. But his eyes told me that he was curious.
"Well," I said loudly, taking a deep breath as if I was about to start a big story or make it a big deal. Luke only groaned. "Here's the story, Francis. My step daddy is taking me to the doctor. And you know why? Because Clare is a mean mommy."
Luke driving down the road spared a glance to him to clarify. "Clare wants her back on her medication," he grumbled.
Another thing that sucked about being all over the news: they knew everything about me. Through the years, there have been headlines talking about me and how I'm off my medication or back on. It's suppose to be a private thing but in such a lousy and pansy-ass town, that was the story of the week. I know, so exciting. So I wasn't that shocked it was easily talked about.
Francis looked confused once more. A little hesitant at first, he said, "No offense but what is wrong with that? Wont it help?"
Smiling again, I looked up to Luke. Patting Luke's shoulder in suggestion, I said, "I think Luke can answer that question, and in great awesome detail like he did with Clare."
Luke shook his head, ignoring me and speaking to his brother on the other side of me, eyes still on the road. "She doesn't need it anymore. She is doing great without it. I don't think she needed it in the first place," he mumbled, eyebrows dipping in frustration as he looked to me, his gorgous green eyes holding a flash of passion that made my mouth go dry. I forced my eyes down and away from his affective glance.
"He said more than that, Francis," I said, trying to keep my good mood up. It was awesome, what he said to her. I needed that to stay fresh in my mind if I didn't want to my mind open to wonder. And my thoughts would end up dwelling over this appointment. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried on account of past visits to the lovely fucking doctors. "I'm proud of what he said to Clare," I said softer, showing that I really did appreciate it. Glancing up to Luke to see his reaction, he faced ahead but I could still see his body relax a bit and let the anger leave him.
Francis chuckled, his deep voice in the air a nice sound, just like his brother's laugh. "Wish I was there to see it. I've wanted to talk to Clare for a while now, speak my mind."
Luke ignored that. He tried blocking it all out and though I didn't make the situation better, I understood his pain. It was a repeating pain. Whether over one thing or another, he suffered more than he let on. My mood dropped a little at how sad I was to see I didn't know how to help him.
It wasn't long before we pulled into the parking lot. It may have been a year and more since I've been here but coming back any time before my death would be too soon. It was a small building near downtown and it wasn't exactly my favorite place in this world. The three of us got out and walked inside. The place looked the same: dull and boring. I hated it. I hated being here. I hated that I had so many memories in the this one place.
We waited for a little while before a familiar face in a white coat came into sight after rounding a corner. My breath hitched and I felt myself on instinct grab the handle of the chair I was sitting in in the small waiting area. My eyes couldn't leave him, taking in the same man that I have known for years. Still the same hair, short, black and wavy. He looked to same, except for he looked a little older. I assume he is in his late 30s. Eyes observant as always, he even held the same file in his hands as he did my whole life. My file, held in his dirty hands with pride. He was famous in this town at attempting to bring me back to reality. I was his most important patient. That's why that arrogant smile was present on his face every time I saw him.
Doctor Blake's eyes lit up at seeing me. It's been a while and I knew he was just waiting for my visit. Standing proudly there, he smiled and spoke. "Welcome back, Albany. You can come on back." His eyes were looking for my mother but landed on Luke and Francis. "Is your mother with you today?" He asked, as if I was a child. Or worse: totally lost and gone in insanity. That's something I don't like about him. True, he had the proof I was insane. He just made a bigger deal out of it than it is.
What I liked about my doctor: mocking him for it. "Mommy couldn't come today. I locked her up in the fridge at home. What can I say?" I said, bringing myself to stand up. "I ran out of my pills, doc."
Doc pursed his thin lips as he looked me over, seeing how I was after a year. Other words: excuse to check me out. Hey, he was a doctor. Why else would he enter this profession? It sure wasn't because he was good at it.
Looking to Luke for an answer, I saw from my side vision him stand up next to me. He didn't like this; but that didn't mean he wouldn't be polite, unfortunately. He sighed deeply before he starting to walk up to my doctor, me right beside him. Francis was willing to be patient and wait in the waiting room. We didn't think this would take too long.
Standing before the man that was just a little taller than me, I watched as Luke forced a smile and extended his hand. "I'm Luke, her stepfather." Observing Luke, I pursed my lips, not liking how stiff he was. He hated this as much as I did. He stood tall none the less and for the first time, his maturity really showed. It reminded me of how a real parent should conduct themselves even though I could never see him as my father figure.
Doctor Blake looked suspicious but smiled anyway, shaking Luke's hand with no hesitation. "Ah, a new addition." Doc looked at him with sympathy as he began to guide us back towards his small office. "Very brave of you, to marry Clare." He said louder as we walked just behind him to hear. When we got into his office though, Luke's face couldn't hide the anger in it as he sat down in the chair and I continued to stand there, watching the fascinating exchange. "No offense but that comes with a lot of baggage and responsibility," he said, smiling at Luke. Yeah another thing about him: total jackass. He was blunt, rude, and liked to feel better than everyone else. It pissed me off that he said that to Luke. He was always nice to Clare it seemed. But honestly, that just made sense
I narrowed my eyes. "Hey doc!" I said close to his ear, making him slightly jump and turn around, facing me now. "Mind pointing me in the direction of where you want me to sit? I'm too far gone, I don't think I remember. Plus, I'm too stupid to look at any of the options. Shall I just sit on my daddy's lap?"
Since the doctor was facing me, his back to Luke, I saw that my mocking cracked Luke's hard shell. Luke shifted in his seat, crossing his legs as he moved his hand close to his mouth, trying not to laugh. I smiled at the sight behind Doctor Blake, happy he was enjoying this as much as I was teasing this jerk. I could never do this before. True, I mocked him constantly but I never did it before out of pure enjoyments I did now. Luke didn't want to take this seriously and neither did I, not seeing the point. This might not be so bad after all.
Luke stifled his chuckle by holding it in, trying hard to keep a straight face. He manage to when the doc glanced back to him, like he wanted to see Luke's reaction to my 'immature' behavior. My doctor continued to stare at Luke, expecting him to scold me or something.
He realized this too. "Albany, please be nice to the gentlemen," he said, as if speaking to a five year old and in that, he was kind of mocking him too for how my doctor sometimes talks to me! I don't think doc saw that though; Luke held a believable facade of seriousness. I held back a smile and instead nodded, so very 'ashamed' of myself.
"Sorry, sir," I said, getting up on the big ass bench thing all doctors had. I never understood why the beds/benches here were always so high up though. If doc ever wanted to sit on it, he would have to use a ladder and that had to be a pain. Both Luke and I now seated, Doctor Blake sat down as well, looking down at my file.
His eyes read over a few things in silence before he looked up at me. "Last we spoke, you said you wanted off the medication." He paused, looking down at the papers. "In fact, that has been a common suggestion for a couple months before that too. Your mother seemed to have disagreed on every account and therefore, it was based on her judgement on how you have been."
I rolled my eyes. "Because my mother is the most honest person out there."
Doc looked harder at me, eyes narrowing. "Because based on our evaluations years back, your word could not be accounted for. You're not a reliable resource with your condition."
I wasn't going to stress over this. Luke didn't like what he said. He was ridged already in his chair and wanted to say something but didn't. Me and my lovely doctor have had this talk before. And many times, I would try to prove to him that I was better, that I wasn't like I showed him to be. He never bought it and therefore, I had to keep taking the medicine. And even if they gave me a chance to prove that I was sane, it wouldn't matter. They had tapes, papers, evidence and witnesses that would always be a stubborn opposing force in all this. That's why I wasn't taking this too seriously. Not to mention, all he ever did was give me the prescription. I don't even think he is in charge of judging my sanity. That job went to a team of experts.
"Whatever, Doctor!" I said, putting my hands up in surrender. "But you remember what happened last time you said that to me...?" I asked, looking as threatening as I could.
He looked down. He remembered. "You told me that if I kept giving you these pills, they would have a 'reverse' effect and make you the sanest person alive. Then, you said with that 'smartness' as you put it, that you would figure out how to make a bomb and blow this place up."
Luke couldn't keep that one in. He laughed out loud, drawing my eyes to him as well as a smile that was so bright, I wanted to see it there all the time. Such a beautiful laugh and smile. It brought me to grin too. The doctor glanced to Luke, speaking over his struggling laughter.
"It wasn't that funny, actually." He sneered. "It involved constant surveillance she brought upon herself as well as many days of canceled appointments."
Luke sighed. "But she obviously was joking back then."
The doctor stubbornly rolled his eyes. "Insanity is not a joking matter."
I looked back down to where Luke was sitting, pursing his lips. I copied the snotty expression Doctor Blake wore and aimed it at Luke. "Yeah Luke, be mature about this. Insanity is not something to laugh at."
Luke bit his lip and hid it but the amusement showed in his eyes, his eyebrows framing them perfectly. He nodded, looking back to Blake. "Sorry," he nodded.
Doctor Blake looked back down to the file, obviously annoyed. When he did, Luke let that be the time to smile up at me before forcing a serious expression again. He was getting a kick out of this. I was happy too because just a while ago, he looked ready to die of anger. I liked the feeling in that I had something to do with it.
Looking up at me, he said, "Okay Albany, I need you to answer these as honestly as you can. Understand?"
"Hmm..." I acted as if I was struggling. "Would you mind saying it a bit slower? My fucked-up brain can't process it all so fast."
"Albany," Luke hissed, getting me to look at him. I wanted to smile at him because it was clear he wanted to as well. But he had to actually act like my father today it seemed. That's what the doc expected of him. I knew that Luke honestly didn't mind; he thought it was funny and didn't like my doctor. "Language."
I nodded, showing my loyalty. "Yes, daddy." Blake, looking between us both tried to figure out weather we were mocking him or not. We must have been convincing though. I then told the doctor, "Go on, ask away."
"Are you off the drugs?" was his first question.
This was awesome. "Not anymore, you dumb ass! You're putting me back on the damned things."
He clenched his teeth, slowly clarifying to me. "I mean illegal drugs. Weed?"
"Oh..." I said, as if I just now figured it out. "Well, this is what happened. A while back, I was on acid. And I went on this trip." I laughed at the nonexistent memory. It was fun making shit up. "There was a priest, a cop, and a monkey. The cop told me he wanted me to get off the drugs. Then I said I didn't want to because it would mean I wouldn't see them anymore. The cop was to dumb to keep trying to convince me so the monkey tried." Glancing to look, I saw him shaking his head at the story, trying hard to hide his enjoyment of it. "He offered to give me ten, free acid-trip passes if I got off drugs. It was a good deal so I took it and got off drugs for good. That little bastard though, he better give me those passes soon."
Luke laughed, looking at the doctor. Blake stared daggers at me. "Answer me. Seriously."
"I told you, man! Ask this guy," I said pointing to Luke. "This one is the dumb cop."
He raised a brow at him. "Is she off?"
"Yes, she is clean," he said with a smile, glancing with admiration at me as the doc wrote that down.
He nodded only to ask the next question. "Any nightmares? You mom last said she wakes to hear you screaming.
"You bet. With that bitch down the hall, what do you expect?"
"With honesty," he snapped, eyes holding mine with what he thought was intimidation. Yeah right. A dude that short can't intimidate shit.
I chuckled because he snapped at the one thing that was true. "It's true. I dream about Clare all the time. It's hard not to when all you think about as you fall asleep is whether she's going to come in and kill me in the middle of the night."
Luke knew that was true, recalling the nights I flipped out on him for when he bound me down. Damn withdrawal.... So happy I'm done with that shit.
"That's true," Luke added, watching the doctor right something down.
"Are you feeling more depressed?" He asked me next.
I scoffed. "You have no idea, being in here with you...."
He just went onto the next question. "Are you expressing your condition in healthy ways? Remember what we talked about before?"
I nodded strongly. "Yeah, sex counts as healthy right?" I looked straight at him, blanked face... he thought I was serious. I could hear Luke snort though slightly.
I saw Blake glance over to Luke. He looked at him with a sceptical eye. "Is this kind of behavior allowed?"
Luke was caught snorting at my comment and now he must suffer. Ha-ha. He stuttered as he tried answering the doctor. Watching him, he saw how much I was enjoying this in return. "Ah... of course not." It cracked me up because he unconsciously seemed to slump down in the tiny chair, his large frame. He asked it like a question too.
The doctor continued to look at him. He lifted an eyebrow as he took him in. I guess I should save him from this.... "I have a question," I said, raising my hand.
"Yes, Albany?" He sighed, looking up at me and away from him.
"Why... are you such an ass?" I raised my hand again, smiling. "Oh, and I have another one, is it healthy to have sex with another girl?" I asked and Luke just buried his head, laughing hysterically. I kept such a serious face, the doctor once again assumed I was serious. And obviously one of the most dumbest people around.
"Do you like other girls?"
"None of your business." Keeping the record straight: only into guys. Not against it, just not a part of it.
"Um... I'll let you discuss that with your parents."
I nodded, understanding. I was surprised to hear Luke jump in after he was done laughing. "I have a question." He said, looking at the doctor with an amused eye but at the same time, calculating. "If her word is not worth considering or trusting, why ask all these questions. If it doesn't count or is worth anything, right?" He asked, challenging him.
"Yeah! Team dad!" I said, nodding in agreement.
Doctor Blake answered immediately. "We must treat her like every other patient. It's irrelevant what we do with it. The point is, it's on file."
"How very Americanly of you," I said.
The doctor has had just about enough of us and quickly went on. I was happy he was getting frustrated. He deserved it after all these useless years. He looked to Luke. "Okay, so anyway, since Clare is not here, I'm going to need you to approve the prescription for the anti-psychotics." Looking down at the paper again, flipping it to the back, he then looked up at me. "I would also suggest getting her back on the anti-depressants as well. We can put her on a low dose at first."
Luke shook his head, laughing. "Welll... you have got to be shitting me."
"Dad!" I scolded him. "Language."
"I shouldn't have to do this twice in one damn day," he grumbled, standing up and coming to face me more. "Doc, I have only met her a nearly two months ago. But even then, I can see a big difference." Scowling, he looked to the doctor. "And if anything, she doesn't need any extra medication than what is already required by Clare. I'll only sign for the anti-psychotics only because if I don't, Clare will just do it anyway."
The doctor shook his head in disgust at us both as he stood up, looking between Luke and I. "Alright then, I'll show you what to sign up front, Luke. But first, I think I should warn you both," a smirk rose to his face and I hated it. Looking at Luke first, he said, "I'll offer you some advice, from a married man to a married man. Nothing good comes out of incest."
Luke's mouth dropped open. I think mine hit the floor. I give him fucking props; he knew how to shock me and Luke into stunned silence.
"Excuse me?" He asked him, eyes wide and not believing what we were just being accused of.There wasn't one dominant emotion on his face. Just... shock he would say such a thing.
"You heard me."
"We are not--" I started. He cut me off though as he put up his hand for me to stop.
"I know. You two might not be having an affair. But constantly looking at each other sure doesn't help your cause. And one can only be quick to jump to conclusions. Especially seeing the way he was looking at you and the way you looked at him."
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ATTENTION:
I'm changing the title of this book. I knew I would from the start and I'm deciding just to name it 'Handcuffed'. It makes more sense and because this obviously has more to do with other than love. It will be hard getting use to but I think it's better. What do you think?
Thanks to MoonLightHaven, I have the cover!
I left the original title there because I didn't want any one to be too lost with a new cover and a new title change at the same time. So it will say 'Handcuffed Love' for a little bit then I'll change it.
Anyway, wow right. Didn't see that coming did you? Tell me what you thought of this chapter! I loved writing this one!