I felt a bit guilty because it's a Johanna x fem reader fanfiction and she first appears in the third chapter. So I decided to make an exception and upload two chapters this week. Then Johanna will be present from next week's chapter on. Hope you like it :)
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Seeder pulled me into a tight embrace as soon as we met.
The Capitol had needed several days to make me look presentable as I had only been skin and bones. It was ridiculous. The Capitol people had seen me inside the arena. They knew how I had looked, but it was part of the games. A game I had won, though I did not feel victorious at all. What was great about killing other people? We were just some pawns for their entertainment.
"I don't want to romanticize killing, but you had no choice if you wanted to survive. I'm proud of you."
I clung onto my mentor. Chaos was ruling over my emotional state. I needed someone to hold onto and was glad that Seeder was with me.
"I didn't even know their names", I uttered.
"The boy from district 2 was Kile and the one of 10 was Theo. They had both killed someone too. It's not like they were willing to spare you", Seeder comforted me.
"I know, but it still feels horrible. The thought about facing all of that again in a few minutes, in front of the whole Capitol ..."
Seeder interrupted me and shook her head: "You are breaking yourself. It wasn't your fault, (f/n). You did what was necessary to survive."
"Will it ever get easier?"
"Honestly, it's a burden that will accompany you for the rest of your life. But you had a reason to return, right? What about your necklace?"
A small smile captured my face. "Rue. Yeah, I want to be reunited with my family."
Seeder smiled softly at me. "They will help you to learn living with that burden. I'm sure about that. And I will help you, too, if you need me. After all, we are going to be neighbors."
She let me go as I had to go on stage any minute now.
"Thank you, Seeder."
"It's nothing. Really. You will understand when you become a mentor."
I nodded and set off toward the stage. My legs were wobbly due to my inner turmoil. I took a deep breath before moving into the bright light of the Capitol's attention.
"Here she is! Our glorious victor!"
The audience broke out in thunderous applause.
A ringing sound captured my ears but I tried to ignore it. To protect my family I needed to act. So I faked a smile and waved at the crowd.
When I set down on the armchair I had an overview over the whole audience. Being watched by so many people made me nervous. I had not wasted a thought on that during the games.
"Well, (f/n). At first, I would like to tell you how happy we all are to have you back", Caesar Flickerman stated exaggeratedly. They did not care who was sitting on the chair as long as they had their victor.
"I'm glad to be back too", I chuckled.
Ugh. I hated my own act, though my words had not been a lie for once.
"So, tell us, (f/n). What are you planning to do first, when you return to district 11?"
"See my family", I replied without hesitation.
"Would you like to tell us about them?"
I nodded. If the Capitol's citizens got attached to my family, it was more likely that Snow would not harm them in any way.
"They aren't my relatives by blood but we are like family. My mum Mary and my six younger siblings. Rue is the eldest. She has given this necklace to me two years ago as a talisman. Then there are Lilie, Seth, March, Taylor and Livia. They are really precious to me and I can't wait to see them."
"I can imagine that. We saw Mary and little Rue in an interview. They are lovely, aren't they?", Caesar addressed the audience earning loud approval.
"Indeed", I whispered.
"Then let's hurry and watch the recap of your games! So you can return home as soon as possible", Caesar suggested.
The memories I had tried to suppress popping up were now directly visualized in front of my eyes.
I dug my nails into my hands to prevent losing control over myself. The little pain was soothing.
After a felt eternity the video was finally over. Caesar asked me some more questions before sending me off with great applause and cheering.
In the train I threw up the food I had gotten during the last days. The food had been supposed to be delicious but I had not tasted anything back then, too lost in my thoughts and memories, especially lost in the guilt.
I heard someone knocking on my door. "(f/n)? Are you alright? Can I come in?" It was Seeder.
"Yeah! Wait a second!"
I washed my hands and face and quickly brushed my teeth. Then I made my way to the locked door and opened it.
We sat down on a couch. "Dinner is being prepared right now. Would you like to have anything particular?"
"I'm not hungry", I mumbled.
"Your stomach is upset, isn't it? I could get you a soothing tea", Seeder offered.
I nodded. Honestly I just wanted her to stay, to not leave me alone. If she was with me I was more aware that I had left the arena and was on my way home. And she made me feel like I was not a monster. But I did not ask her to stay with me. It felt wrong, weak, pathetic.
I hugged my knees while waiting for her. Fortunately it did not take her too long.
She handed me the cup of tea. "If there is anything I can do to help, don't hesitate to tell me", Seeder demanded.
I nodded absentmindedly. "Do you think they will be happy?", I wondered.
"What are you talking about?"
"My family. Will they be happy that I return? I'm not the same as before. Seeder, I have killed two people. And I feel exhausted since I left the arena. I will only be a burden."
Seeder pulled me into her arms. "That's not true. You won't be a burden to them. They will be overjoyed to get you back."
I clung onto her words, desperate to believe them.
When we arrived at the train station I felt suffocated due to my anxiety and the bunch of cameras. A large crowd was waiting to welcome me but I only had eyes for a few of them.
Nervously I approached my family. Before I could even consider what to do Mary had already hugged me tightly, crying softly.
I felt my siblings join the embrace turning it into a group hug.
The cameras did not matter to me right now. I just felt relieved and enjoyed this moment of feeling safe.
After the group hug I shared another one with Rue. We did not need to exchange any words. The hug expressed everything we wanted to say right now.
It took us a while to get through the crowd to the victor's village, the camera team never leaving my side. At least they finally disappeared when we entered the house.
The front garden of the victor's village had already been breath-taking. We had several fruit trees and a big vegetable patch. The only time I had gotten to eat fruits or vegetables had been when I had stolen them. And even then I had given the majority to my younger siblings.
The house was giant. It was next to Seeder's which I was truly happy about. I had gotten quite attached to her.
"Woah! It's amazing!", Taylor exclaimed when she entered the house.
The living room and kitchen alone were already bigger than our old home. There were three bedrooms, two bathrooms and an office with a phone. Every room appeared huge to me.
"How are we going to share the bedrooms?", Seth wondered.
"Well. It's (f/n)'s house. She gets to decide which room she would like to have and we share the rest", Mary declared but I shook my head.
"I will share my room with Rue."
Said girl smiled brightly at me. She had not let go of my hand since I had returned.
"Rue and I will take the smallest room as we are only two. Everything else wouldn't make sense", I added.
"No, (f/n). We are used to not having a lot of space. You won the house. So feel free to take the best room", Mary insisted.
"No!", I suddenly yelled making everyone flinch.
"Sorry", I mumbled. "It's not my house. It's ours. Or did you change your mind and I'm not a part of the family anymore?"
Mary put her hand on my shoulder making me look at her. "I'm sorry, (f/n). You don't have to fear that, okay? You will always belong to us, no matter what. It just hurts me to see you suffering."
I nodded.
Rue squeezed my hand and smiled at me.
"Little ones. It's late. Time to go to bed", Mary ordered softly.
"Ohhh, but (f/n) just came back", March whined.
"Don't worry. After all she is not going to leave anytime soon", Mary soothed the six year-old.
Fortunately I had instructed the Capitol workers in advance to put enough beds into the rooms. Lilie, Seth and March and Mary, Taylor and Livia shared a room.
Rue and I also decided to go to bed. Though I was utterly exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open, I did not dare to fall asleep.
"(f/n)?", Rue whispered and turned around on her bed to face me. I did the same.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"I have to go to work tomorrow."
Right. She was ten. The children in district 11 only went to elementary school and started working when they were ten years old.
"But I don't want to be separated from you again", she admitted.
"Let's climb onto the fruit trees tomorrow and eat some after you're finished working, okay?", I suggested.
"Can we really eat them?"
"Of course. They belong to the victor's village."
Rue smiled. Now it did not take her long to fall into a peaceful slumber.
I was not so lucky, although I did fall asleep.
I felt the ground shaking underneath me and quickly jumped from tree to tree. But I slipped and fell. Something weakened my fall and now I knew what I had slipped on. Blood. Kile's empty eyes were staring at me.
I woke up and almost jumped off my bed, breathing heavily. My clothes were sticking to my body due to the sweat.
Full of adrenaline I made my way downstairs and out of the house. I walked around aimlessly, but did neither see any blood nor a dead body. Of course I did not. I was not in the arena anymore. It had just felt so real.
I got back to the house and washed my hands. Rationally, I knew that there was not any blood left on them. They had annihilated every proof on my body that I had been in the arena. Not one scratch had been left behind. Even the scars from my earlier life in district 11 had vanished. Nevertheless, I scrubbed my hands until they actually started bleeding.
"Shit", I cursed quietly not wanting to wake anyone up.
The door to the bathroom opened and I had to stop myself from harming Taylor as I let out a startled scream.
Taylor looked like she was about to cry. I must have scared her.
"I'm sorry, Taylor. You just startled me."
She took a step back when I approached her. It broke my heart. Was she afraid of me now?
Mary appeared at the door and I could see the other children behind her.
I felt like a criminal.
Taylor immediately threw herself into Mary's arms crying.
I turned the water off. "Sorry", I whispered before running away.
I climbed onto a fruit tree trying to calm down again. My hands were still bleeding slightly but I could not care less.
"(f/n), I'm joining you", Rue wisely warned me as she climbed up the tree and sat down on a near branch. She did not say anything, just sat there waiting patiently for me act. Rue was way too mature for her age. But you grew up quickly living in district 11, especially as the eldest among so many siblings and without a dad.
"Taylor was scared of me. Did she see what I did in the games?"
"No. Only Seth, Lilie and I saw. Mum made sure the others would not watch the games", she answered softly.
"So you know what I did. I'm a murderer. Aren't you afraid?"
She shook her head smiling. "Of course not. You are the person I trust the most. You did the necessary to survive. It was self-defense."
My heart literally hurt out of relief. Hearing those words from Rue meant everything for me. So, I had not imagined the unbreakable bond I felt between us.
"Rue. I'm grateful for all of you. But you are more important to me than anyone", I stated.
She smiled brightly. "I'm so glad you are back."
"You brought me back. You saved my life."
Confusion was written over her face.
"Your necklace gave me the strength to move on. Whenever I felt like giving up I heard your voice. You helped me the whole time."
Suddenly Rue threw herself into my arms. "Never leave again! I talked to you in my mind the whole time during the games."
"You think it was telepathy?" I grinned at my joke.
Rue started laughing and I chimed in. It felt great to laugh again, although the heavy feeling inside my chest did not vanish.
A few minutes later we were back in bed.
"I could sleep in the living room. I don't want to wake you up again", I assumed.
"Are you kidding?" Rue stood up and laid down next to me. "You don't have to be scared. As long as I'm with you, you know you are home", she whispered as she snuggled closer and we both fell asleep.