MADISON
There's a difference between love and lust, an underlying happiness that fills our body, a difference that seems so obvious to an outsider yet so complex to the one that's feeling it. Both situations make us feel things, adrenaline coursing through our body that even science has approved of its existence. However realizing which one you're actually feeling is a no-sleep fight to some.
There, I laid in my childhood bed, having probably slept 3 hours at most, reminiscing as if I were a philosopher of the 18th century about what love stood for.
And doubting if the right decision was the one I was grasping between my hands or the one that I had let fly away.
———
Walking towards the kitchen with the smell of burnt pancakes wasn't new, and I found myself smiling at all the memories that smell brought. Some would remember the smell of incense and cookies in their grandma's house, but I remembered the smell of burnt food from mine. The knowledge that once again Mom couldn't accept the truth that she didn't have the power to make food that was pleasant to ones tastebuds.
"Madi," my Mom uttered once I walked inside the kitchen. "Pass me the syrup, please," she said while flipping the burnt pancakes onto two plates.
"You sure?" I asked, eyeing the pancakes.
"I'm not gonna repeat myself," she glared.
"Ok,ok," I surrendered, passing her the syrup.
"Do they look yummy?" She asked once we were both sat in the floor in front of the coffee table in the living room. It was a simple tradition, we would always have breakfast there instead of sitting in the dining room and forcing communication when we were all too tired to speak.
"Sure, Mom," I said, answering her question.
"You're just biased cause you've spent the last months eating posh rich food. You know you miss my pancakes."
I answered truthfully, taking a bite of a taste I was too familiar with, "Yes, Mom. I missed it."
———
AARON
Opening the front door and seeing my son standing there with a big grin made my heart fill with happiness. A child's smile and happiness was a mastery to some, myself included. How could a kid who obliviously had a mother that belittled his father and a father which he could only see once a month smile this brightly?
I enveloped Finn in a hug and got him inside safe. It sure was weird having him around without Madison's presence, even if h had come to my house without her more than with her. She just grew to be part of the house as well. Kind of like the piece of furniture that attracted everyone's sight once they put a foot inside of it. Though she was still there, her perfumes, shampoo, most of her clothes, all the cookies she had bought.
I wasn't that unmindful to not notice how my presence in my work office had simmered down. On nights that were before filled with work and the oxymoron of it being my stress relief yet stressful at most, had now changed. I spent time with Madison, that being either watching TV, reading, laughing, talking, or fucking. There wasn't a night that was dull or stressful with her.
And I was glad to say that even with her gone for a few days my smile did not falter, for she was not my reason of happiness, she was the one that pushed it free.
I was familiar with the dependency on women, my first real love was spent with a woman that played me with her strings, manipulating me to feel remorseful of what I enjoyed and making me feel as if she was the antidote for happiness. As if she was my only source of happiness.
However, that was not true. And although in the years without her I grew to know the truth, Madison also helped me feel at ease with myself and find happiness in other things than a partner.
I wasn't being arrogant, I wasn't being selfish. I was just learning to love myself, something that may seem so easy for it was only a two word sentence, but that very little could grasp upon their whole life.
Finn insisted on going outside and playing with his dolls, therefore I nodded with a smile just to make him happy. I had recently bought him a tiny suitcase that was made to carry Barbie dolls, and now Finn was happily running towards the garden with his little suitcase trailing behind.
"Choose one," he said once we sat in the grass. There was some sun light left alongside the white clouds all over the blue sky. I grabbed one of the dolls which had dark red hair which looked too fake too be natural whilst Finn grabbed a man and a blond woman.
"Look. This is Mad and this is you," Finn said pointing to the dolls he was grasping in his two small hands. "What's her name?" He pointed to the doll in my hand.
I sat there looking for a name even though she was just a doll. "Rhea."
"She is Mad and you..."
"Friend?" I offered for the word he didn't know how to say.
"No, she is like me," he answered with a pouty face.
"Our daughter?"
"Ok," he nodded, not caring that the three dolls looked the same age.
We started playing family, Finn making scenarios I was shocked could come out from a 3-year-old's mind. He always had a smile as if he was having the most fun in his life.
"Doll," he pointed to the small suitcase. I grabbed another doll, this time a red haired one.
"Ree's girlfriend," he said, muttering the doll's name wrong. I chuckled, once again continuing with the story.
We got inside the house once the son had come down and Finn was too tired to keep playing. Surprisingly, for a little kid he could go on and on playing, not getting bored or distracted.
We sat in the living room, Finn eating some cookies. I didn't even care that he wasn't eating toasts, and that was a lot, to be honest.
"Where is Mad?" Finn asked, still eating his Oreo.
"She went some days to see her Mom, she's coming back don't worry," I said, running my hand down his black hair. "Next time you're here she'll be here so we three can play."
"Am I why here little days?" I didn't take long to answer because I didn't understand what he said, but because it was harder to answer.
"I promise, when you grow up, you can come here more times. Just...your Mom and I live far away and it's difficult," I said, trying to find him and answer.
"Why live far away?" He asked, munching on his cookie.
"Because we both have work where we live."
"Leave work," he answered quickly.
"It's not that easy," I chuckled, even though that was not the reason he only came here once a month. My head had been clouded before, and I couldn't understand how he would actually be better loving with me. I had recently been researching and contacting people as to ways of changing Finn's custody, for I knew how Eleanor's reaction would be like. How every mother's reaction would be like. I didn't want to keep Finn away from his mother, it would all be in vain if I did that because thing would be the same.
I just needed to find a way. And hope life didn't come crashing down on me.
I'm sorry I kept all of you waiting and uploaded kind of a filler short chapter. But I got all my English international exams payed so it was worth it.
There isn't a chapter where Aaron doesn't talk about toast. I know. It's an obsession.
Also, there's a little hint throughout the chapter of a story that may come in the future and how it is linked. Comment your theories please.
QOTC: Ngl, throughout the story one of the best things I've found is Aaron's character development. Not only personality wise, but also in his self-love and acceptance and that was just an idea that came to me while writing. He would've just been a normal man without a toast obsession and without any trauma throughout his life. But I like this better. Now the question. Which character's development was your favorite?
QBIB: What job did you want to do as a child? For me, I had a lot. First, singer and actress, but then I went into a rock faze and wanted to play the electric guitar and be a dj. Yeah...
Love you all mf queens and kings,
Mart ☯︎