I LOVED HIM.
I had allowed him his secrets, and took what he gave with a greed that shocked my with its intensity. But he never had to know. He never had to glimpse how deeply I felt for him, or discover the secret I had always suspected and finally admitted to myself. I loved him.
Completely. Every part of him, good and bad, my friend and lover and partner and rival. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, giving him everything, even though now I knew he didn't want my in his life. I crammed the knowledge to a secret place inside. Then realized I'd take whatever he gave, even though it would never be enough for me.
It shook me to my core.
My heart further shattered at the realization that I did not know what to do. I never had thought that I would fall in love with him. But each day he pieced together a piece of my broken heart, that piece had started to belong to him.
Tears streamed down my face as the memory of all the beautiful moments that had occurred between us. I remembered how delicious his home cooked meals. I remembered the way he held me in his strong arms when I had nightmares, both to console me and to further prevent them from my dreams.
What had happened to him?
Why did he hide his real self?
Why did he lie to me?
But even if all of this was a façade, why did he look so hurt and broken when I accused him of trying to kill me?
All of this burnt my brain. I could not understand what was happening around me. my mind was fixed upon what I had read in the Journal, my entire body shook as I remembered the entries.
'I watched Goyle practice the Dark Lord's new curse on a mud blood's body. The spell was created to rip the skin and muscle off their body to the other side. To my opposite, I saw Bellatrix using the Glacis curse on the couple's child. The room was filled with the cries of the child as I pleaded for my life. My mind swelled in pure satisfaction at the thought of my freezing to death. My happiness intensified x10 when I saw Pettigrew push pieces of red hot coal into the husband's mouth. He would be killed, cooked alive from the inside out.'
My eyes streamed with tears again. How could he cheat me like this? I loved him for Merlin's sake. He had made me fall in love with him, and had smoothly broken my fragile heart, without even trying. The first page was torture to anyone who read it.
'I witnessed the torture of the mud bloods today. Crabbe was really ruthless with them. I watched with happiness and contentment as he slashed every inch of exposed skin of that ginger fool, who told us his name was Jake. What a fool? Did he actually think we would believe him if he says that he owned his wand?'
My heart further tightened at the memory. How could a person who loved his brother and told me that he only joined the dark side to get revenge do this? Watching was one thing, but writing on a journal and deriving happiness from it like a sadist was plainly manic.
I heard a knock on the Portrait door as the clock on the mantle stuck one, but I made no move to actually open it. Neville walked down the stairs with his books in his hand and heard the knock. He opened the Portrait hole and it revealed a shock of silver hair that I knew very well. With an agility with a seven month pregnant never possessed, I took off from the couch to take refuge in their master bedroom.
I begged to Neville with my eyes not to tell Malfoy that I was here. I could hear their conversation. Malfoy's voice was one of forced calm, like he was boiling inside and did not want to show it to anyone. What he was angry for, remained a mystery? It was not he loved me. His acting was good, made me believe and love him instead of hating his guts. So that was an obvious fact.
Time Skip to after dinner
I had finished dinner with Neville and Luna and was now listening to Neville rave about how Professor Snape still picked on him. There was a knock on the portrait door again and Neville rose to open it. He mouthed 'It is Draco' to me, before turning back to hear what the blond was raving about. I lowkey expected him to shout, but what I absolutely was not prepared was him just falling into Neville's arms, sobbing into his shoulder. I was shocked at his appearance. His once immaculate blonde hair was now sticking to his damp forehead. He had not changed out of his uniform yet. His robes that were on his shoulder were now lying in a heap on the floor. His white shirt was now almost transparent, sticking to his body in a wet white mess. He was mumbling something into Neville's shoulder, but I could not hear what he was talking about.
Neville was trying his best to console his crying friend, but he did not seem to have any improvement. Pearly drops of tears kept flowing down his cheeks. Neville gently brought him to the couch and made him sit. He came to the kitchen and whispered something into Luna's ear and she followed Neville out of the kitchen gesturing me to stay where I was now.
Luna took her position near Draco now, talking to him in her soft dreamy voice. He seemed to be in a trance, tears falling down his chin. He hunched down in the seat, curling himself into a small ball, occasional sobs travelling to my ears.
The Portrait door opened again, now revealing Neville and Pansy, whom he had gone to fetch. She was sporting a baby bump the same size as me and Luna. But she was now in a grey dress. That was when it hit me that this was the ball night. She was coming when the ball was taking place in the Great Hall across the lawn. My hand hit something squishy on the table I was leaning on and I saw a flesh colored string. An extendable ear. I slipped one end into my ear and put the other end to the coffee table, thankfully not noticed by anyone.
"Oh Draco,"
Pansy was cooing into his ears.
"Don't cry, you know I hate it when you cry right?"
I heard Malfoy mumble a yes.
"No one deserves you Draco. If someone decides to lose you, it is their mistake and not yours. So, calm down and stop crying."
"HERMIONE IS MISSING PANS. How can I calm down when I don't know if she is safe or if she has eaten or anything? I cannot Pansy, I cannot."
My heart skipped a beat, was he worried about me? then my heart dropped again, he is just afraid of me spreading his secrets to the world.
"Dray, you know I love you right?"
"Yes."
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Say it to me."
"I love you too."
There was no shake in his voice, just a quite sureness that proved to me that he was being completely truthful. So, they love each other now. Merlin itself only knows what I would find about him before the end of this goddamn day. But the way she drew him into her arms, the way she slowly carded her fingers through his damp hair, untangling them gently, the way she talked to him how much she loved him in a soothing voice rose something in me.
I remembered once asking Ginny what jealousy felt like when I had seen Ron kiss Lavender, and what she had told me came into my mind.
"Well, I would describe jealousy as a wave. It comes crashing in your heart with so many mixed feelings. Anger and sadness. Most of the time, it's not the best feeling, but it hurts. You feel it right here," she said, placing her hand over her heart. "It hurts. Your chest grows tight and it feels like you can't breathe. Sometimes you might feel like crying. Or anger to the point of violence. Like punching someone in the face. I don't know how to describe it exactly, but it's pretty overwhelming."
I placed my hand on my heart. What I felt was exactly like what she had said. I was jealous for Parkinson for actually consoling Draco when he needed it.
I had missed a whole lot of the conversation by that time, but what Draco said next had my heart stopping. He was now standing in the middle of the room with tears streaming down his pale face I loved.
"But I love her Pans. Not like I love you or Neville or you Luna. I want her right beside me for the rest of my life. I don't know where she is or what she is doing now, heck, I don't even know whether she is alive or not, but I love her."
A slip to a much needed Draco Point of view
My heart had practically torn open when I saw the journal lying open at the foot of my trunk. Had she seen it? What would she think about it? We had barely made any progress and we were back to square one again. Will there be even a square one? She might want to leave me for ever now. I don't want that to happen.
Why didn't I?
Why hadn't I reacted violently like she had when I had known that she would be my partner?
I had not liked her, but I had admired her, even if it was with a grudge. There was a confidence that she exuded. The way she did not break under Bellatrix's torture. The way she fit in the Wizarding world like she belonged here. She had people who cared for, unlike me and she cared for them just as well.
The only thought passing through my mind when I scarfed through the corridors, checking and then double checking every nook and corner of the castle was a compelling need to find her.
But only when I was lying in Pansy's lap in Neville's and Luna's apartment did, I know what made me do that.
She gave for no gain of her own, no goal she needed to reach. Love was not a prize but something she owned inside and shared freely.
The woman who was going to be my wife was a fierce, proud creature who both shattered and humbled me, and I realized in the haze of emotions, that I loved her.
I was in love with Hermione.
The knowledge came like a tidal wave that swept him up and knocked him over to the rise. He stood up like he was in a trance, as the shock that he loved her finally caught up to him.
He stood there in the middle of the room wondering where she had gone, and watched his life veer off the main highway to a road filled with rocks and brush and potholes. Staggered with emotion, his eyes filled up once again, but now his eyes rained for her, for his love for her.
He now did not care whether anyone in the room, even if was only Neville, Luna and Pansy, thought he was weak. He needed to cry for everything bad that had happened in his life.
Back to Hermione's Point of view
I had to go near him, I needed to be near him. But I could not reveal myself to him. I took my wand which was carelessly thrown on the dining table and cast a disillusioning charm on myself. Looking down to make sure I was completely invisible, I moved towards the small gathering on the other end of the open living room.
Draco was now sitting on the couch, his head bend down, tears leaking through his eyes. Neville, Luna and Pansy were now sitting on either side of him.
I sat down on the love seat opposite to the couch.
Neville was now asking him,
"Draco, do you know why she is missing?"
"She saw the journal.", came his voice, sounding so small and hurt.
"What journal?"
He remained silent.
"Draco?", Pansy called him.
He merely turned his head to look at her.
"Was it Lucius's journal? The one in which he wrote about the tortures and killings?"
He nodded, looking like it physically hurt him to manage that small gesture.
"Oh, you have told me about it. But why would she think it is yours?"
"We have the same handwriting Neville. No difference at all."
"But Draco, I thought that you told me that you were going to get rid of it."
"I was. But when I was about to burn it, I realized that I could not do it. I still love the fucker. I am angry with my Father for many reasons, but what I could never forgive was the fact that he had given up my family for the Death Eaters. He brought Voldemort to the only place I called home. My mother was not that better, but I still hate him for the fact that he left her alone in her sorrows. I hate it that I cannot set foot in the manor without thinking of all the bad things that had happened there or without having a panic attack. But I realized that in spite of all this, I still loved him. I have never opened that book, and I will not. But I need. I do not know why, but I need it."
My heart went out for him. He was keeping it for the sake for just something to remember his father by.
"Draco, you are all sweaty. Go take a shower."
"Alright."
As he trudged up the stairs to Luna's and Neville's master bedroom to take a shower.
I removed the charm from my body and stared at the three gazing at me. we talked for some time, discussing how I should apologize to him. We heard the bathroom door open and close. This was my chance at healing this relationship. I needed, no I wanted to do this.
I quickly ascended the stairs and opened the door to the room. My eyes rested upon Draco Malfoy in all his glory, clad in a towel with his upper half fully on display for me. I had prepared an entire speech to apologize to him in the past 10 minutes. But the second his stormy grey eyes rested on me, all puffy and red from crying, my mind become blank, and a lump filled my throat, not allowing me to speak.
But this time I knew what to do.
I moved closer to him, moving until my body was plastered to his, he waited, looking into my eyes.
He wanted me to choose. He wanted my acceptance.
My gaze softened and I gave him a small nod. He didn't give me a chance for second thoughts, instead as soon as he saw me nod, his head was already descending toward mine until his lips were pressed gently on mine.
He kissed me gently, like we had all the time in the world. When he deepened the kiss just a little, my hold on his shoulders tightened. He did not push me for anything, it was a simple kiss.
Before I could say anything, his lips claimed mine again, this time almost possessively. He pulled at my bottom lip, demanding entrance. His arm was like a band of steel around my waist and his other hand came up to cup my jaw. He kissed with such intensity that my heart stuttered and I melted into him. His kiss eventually slowed and I sighed against his lips. His eyes were intense with need. His touch was fire, and his kisses were intoxicating.
Time Skip
When I emerged out of the room clad in my clothes for the ball, Draco's wide eyes took me in.
I stared at him, standing there wearing the navy blue suit looking so handsome without even trying.
A rosy blush travelled across my cheek when I remembered the way he had gotten on a single knee and delivered the most beautiful speech I had ever heard.
"Hermione, I love you. You are the moon and the stars and the sky and everything in my world. Heck, you are my world. I know it was just yesterday that we told each other that we did not love each other, but the next day I realize that I am so deep in love with you that I may die if I do not have the same reciprocated from you. I wish that if you ever leave me like you did today, I would still be there waiting for you. I love everything about you and I want you to be mine forever, Marriage law or not. Will you do the honor of marrying me?"
"Yes."
He then had proceeded to get a piano out of no where and sang a song he had written and composed for me.
We had reached the Great Hall and faint strings of music was heard from the Great Hall. His warm soft hand were clutched in mine and our fingers were entwined together.
"Ready to go inside Hermione?"
"Not only to go to the ball Draco, but to be with you forever and hold your hand as long as the time would allow me and kiss you whenever I feel like it. I am ready to start a life with you. I am ready for everything now."
Author's note
Phew! I wanted to tell you guys that this story ends here. I originally wanted to make it longer, but I felt like it lost its soul whenever I thought of further extending this story.
The song Draco wrote for Hermione is still in work, but I will update it as soon as I can.