"What could possibly make you believe that I don't want this? I'm sitting here in this shitty apartment with you every single night so that you can spite the man you refuse to divorce, and for what? You can't even amuse me with the idea of marriage." My heart burned with rage, as it always did.
"I keep telling you its not like that. I'll sign the fucking papers when I have them to sign!" He scoffed at me.
"Of course, my mistake. And when's that gonna be? After a few more play-dates with Angie?"
"That was one singular time. And it was to see the house before its gone forever."
"You seem to care a lot about a house you claim to have been so miserable in." He fired back strongly.
"Yeah I was pretty fucking miserable after I lost my daughter in that house, and then my husband. And splitting up with my husband of 7 years kind of sucked too since we had been together for fifteen fucking years and all. He's all I ever had known. Can you give me a goddamn break on letting him go?" I pleaded, reaching for his arm and he pulled it away.
"No. Because you should have let him go before any of this started. I want to marry you, Jessica. I want to be happy with you for the rest of my life, and you've been weird. You've been weird lately, and I've tried. I really have tried to be everything you could ever ask for... but still, you're clearly moping about the asshole who cheated on you and let you leave. He let you." I just stared at him blankly.
"Get out." Were the only words I could muster. He picked up his jacket and slammed the door behind him. Tears were streaking down my face. He was right. He was nothing but right.
I had been the one to leave. The one to decide that Mason and I were done. I should have been done with him before. A long time ago.
Nothing I did could ever escape the thought of Mason. Rarely did a day go by that at least one moment wasn't consumed by him. I told myself that it was just early. It had still been less than two years. But I knew it wasn't, it was wrong. I wiped tears off my cheeks and dragged Angie into my lap.
What was wrong with me? I loved Emmett. He had done nothing but treat me well, love me, want me. My fingers dialed Ashley's number before I could hesitate. She picked up within two rings.
"Hey, Jess. What's up? We're all at Red's if you want to come down." My breath halted for a second. I was interrupting her night. Again. I wiped a tear and tried to gather myself quickly. "Jess?"
"Oh. Uh, no thank you. I was just calling to see how you were." I could hear the voices in the background of the call.
"Is everything okay? You don't sound good." She knew better than that. She knew me better than anyone.
"Just a long day, I'm fine, Ash." I tried to smile to make my voice sound more believable.
"Are you guys fighting again? Where are you?" The background noise got quieter and I assumed she had gotten up to talk to me.
"I'm home. I'm okay, really. Enjoy your night, seriously." I snuggled Angie closer to me.
"Come to Red's, everyone's here. It'll make you feel better." I seriously doubted that. To the best of Ashley's knowledge, we fought because Emmett was insecure of Mason. To her knowledge, I had never given him any reason to be so. But I knew that I had.
Mason had a new girlfriend, her name was Kendall. He seemed happy. We had intermingled within the friend group on occasion, which was why Ashley thought Emmett was insecure. God, I was a mess.
"No no. I'm fine, I swear. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" I promised and she obliged unsteadily. I hung up the phone before she could protest. I let the phone fall onto the ground with a thud and pulled Angie and my blanket over me on the couch. Something was seriously wrong with me.
Sister telepathy struck or something, and suddenly there was a knock at my door. I knew it was Cara before she opened it due to her aggressive knocking in a rhythmic song that had no rhythm.
"Come in!" The door was halfway open before I had even yelled.
"Hello, sister. Where's Emmett?" Her head turned as she glanced around the apartment. The apartment Emmett apparently hated so much. I liked it, it was warm and small and felt like my own. I groaned in response to her question and she plopped down next to my feet on the couch. "Again?" I nodded, Angie wriggled in my arms, excited to see Cara. "I thought he was over this..."
"He asked me to marry him." I stated blankly. Her face was confused, brilliantly happy, and lost why I seemed so sad.
"You don't seem happy about that." I gulped air, knowing that now was the time.
"I can't stop thinking about Mason." Her pupils went wide. Her face long and stretched. She let out a hysteric breath of laughter.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me, Jessica." I stayed blank. "Emmett is one thousand times the man Mason ever was. He loves you. Can you really imagine Emmett doing any of the things Mason ever did to hurt you?" She was smart, reasonable. I knew she was right.
"I never thought Mason could do those things either." She rolled her eyes.
"This is absolutely ridiculous. Emmett is perfect. Mason was never perfect. Mason is stubborn, and grouchy, and hot headed more than he is anything else. Its wired into him. Do you not remember the piercing sound of Mason's voice in your ear every time you try to have a little fun? Every time you try to cook?" Cara was fed up with my shit, that was clear. But I was surprised to see the side she was taking. "Mason is in the past, Jess. He's strutting around with that stupid blonde girl, just to fulfill his destiny of being douche of the year." I bit my lip nervously. She made good points.
"You're going to stop this, right now. Mason hurt you. You couldn't even stand to look at him for months. Now all of a sudden you're in love with him again? Did you guys hook up or something? Where is this coming from?" She stood up off the grey sofa and stood strongly on the carpet.
I shook my head no, "it's not new. I've always felt this way." She rolled her eyes at me.
"I can't believe this is happening. You're not throwing your life away for Mason fucking Stritt. Grow up, Jess. We're not 16 anymore, okay? Mason's gone. The house is gone. You're done. Stop with the madness." She was yelling at me, louder than Emmett had, and I knew I deserved it. I knew she was right and that's what made it so painful to hear.
Cara had gotten me through the divorce, but I wasn't sad then. I was angry. The worst part is that I wasn't mad at Mason, I was mad at myself for not being able to move past it, for creating this life for myself. For doing it wrong. I felt tears roll down my cheeks again.
"You can't be serious." She said dramatic and angry. "Please, tell me this is a joke." I stayed silent and stared at the blank wall behind her. She laughed cynically. "Oh god, you're serious. Lord help me..." She took deep breaths, pacing around the living room.
"And does Mason know about this? Does he feel the same way?" I shrugged which only set her off more. "You're throwing your life away and you don't even know if Mason agrees?" I didn't have to hear it. I knew that what I had with Mason was different. It wasn't something that went away, clearly. I prayed that he knew the same fact. "Let me calm down." She went into the kitchen and I couldn't see her anymore. She was right. I was a fuckup.
But it felt good to finally say it, to let it out. To let someone know the way I had been feeling.
She came back minutes of blank thought later, more calm.
"So all this fighting with Emmett? It was pre-meditated?" She sat back down next to me, Angie had run away scared.
"No, of course not. He can just... tell I guess. I always denied it. But I can't marry him, Cara. As much as I want to it feels- wrong. I have no reason to not marry him, I have no reason to not love him as much as he loves me."
"Damn right." She added. I glared at her. Sisterly.
"What was I supposed to do?" I pleaded, "what am I supposed to do now?" She let out a long breath.
"If you love Mason so much, that you can't marry someone else, then however Mason feels shouldn't matter. You don't get to choose anymore. You hurt Emmett. You either stay with him, marry him, have fucking italian minion children or something... Or you lose him, and see whatever happens with Mason or please God, anyone else." She tried to laugh, and it sort of made me snot laugh too. I kept my words in, not knowing what to say. "But I feel like, if we're here at this point, you've already made your choice, Jess."
My heart sank. She was right.