Tucker and Church in front of a rock with a note on it, written in binary and signed "Lopez y Sheila"
Tucker: So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here.
Church: Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great.
Tucker: Didn't they have a non-compete clause?
Church: Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean...
Tucker: Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?
Church: It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?
Tucker: Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.
Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is standing with a black robot and a cobalt robot
Simmons: How's it going sir?
Sarge: Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious, heh heh. Uh, except for you, Simmons. No mistakes there.
Simmons: Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification. (shoots own foot)
Sarge: ...Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot?
Simmons: Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.
Sarge: I'm sure it's user error.
Grif: (running up to the top of the ramp) Hey guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?
Sarge: Juuuust puttin' on the finishing touches. Gentlemen! Allow me, to, introduce, Francisco Montegue Zanzibar (showing the black one). And this one over here is Robot Number 2 (showing the cobalt one).
Grif: Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
Sarge: Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with.
Robot Number 2: (The Close Encounters riff everyone knows, except the last note is an error-honking sort of noise) Stick it. You're not my real dad.
Sarge: But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. (clears throat) Codeword dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ah son of a bitch.
Sarge: But that's not the only special feature.
Simmons: What do you mean, sir?
Sarge: Well... I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to eavesdrop on the blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb, heh heh heh heh he- houw... I guess I kinda gave it away.
Grif: Yeah, ya kinda did.
Cut to Donut, Thea and Caboose in the blue base. Thea starts waking up.
Thea: Uhhh, where are we?
Donut: Oh Thea! Your awake! I hoping you wouldn't miss all the fun!
Thea: What? Where are we Donut?
Donut: We're having a sleepover at blue base!
Thea: This is bad.
Caboose: Oh, we are going to have so much fun.
Donut: I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.
Caboose: I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.
Donut: Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend.
Caboose: ...Private Donut? That sounds like Private Biscuit.
Donut: (sobbing) Yes. It, does.
Thea: You seem like a innocent child Caboose. How did you end up joining the army?
Caboose: Oh, one day I was walking and I saw a sign that said 'we want you to join' and I signed up and here I am!
Thea:........ Did you know what you were signing for?
Caboose: Cooking lessons?
Thea: (voice breaks a bit) You poor innocent child.
Cut to the Gulch, where the reds are in one place with Sarge's robots, and Lopez and Sheila are in another place with ...themselves
Grif: You think they'll show up?
Simmons: Well my gut says no, but, then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut.
Sarge: Great Caesar's Toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!
Sheila rolls up alongside Lopez
Lopez: ¿Por qué están los rojos aquí? No íbamos a conquistarlos hasta el próximo martes. [What are the reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.]
Camera zooms around to Tucker, Caboose, Thea and Donut nearby
Caboose: That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin and Mia.
Camera backs up behind Sarge
Sarge: Ah ha, they're lining up in flanking formation. Those blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly.
Cut to Tucker, with Church on a cliff in the distance looking through the sniper rifle, and radio sounds
Tucker: Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church.
Church: Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?
Tucker: Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.
Church: Well are you at least getting any useful information?
Tucker: Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?
Church: Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.
Church: Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!
Tucker: Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase.
Donut: What're they talking about?
Caboose: Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.
Thea: You don't belong in the army, you poor child.
Cut to behind the reds, with Tucker at the top of the hill
Tucker: Hello everyone! We're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative\prisoner from each group to cross sides.
Grif: Hey, I think I see Lopez over there!
Lopez: López el Pesado ya no toma órdenes de su especie. [Lopez the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.]
Grif: Yep, it's him.
Sheila: Tell him big daddy.
Tucker: Okay, get going pinky.
Donut starts crossing back to the reds
Caboose: Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?
Thea: You just met him Caboose.
Caboose: I don't remember that.
Thea: You poor child.
Simmons: Look, they're releasing Donut.
Sarge: Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center.
Lopez: ¡Un robot! ¡Quieren convertir los nuestros contra nosotros![A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!]
Tucker: Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?
Church: Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!
Lopez arrives between Donut and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar
Lopez: ¡No os mováis, traidor! [Don't move, traitor!]
Sarge: What does it- it's a double cross! Donut, Frankie Zane, get back here!
Tucker: (aiming at Lopez) No! Stay where you are! Do not go back!
Thea: (whispers) I'm just gonna go. (Sneaks away from Tucker and Caboose back to the reds)
Simmons: Now the blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?
Sarge: We've been outmaneuvered, men! Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike.
Loud radio noises
Tucker: OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?
Sarge: Yeh, Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?
Vic: Hello, hello, who's there. Come in, is that you Private Tucker? Hello.
Sarge: Private who? No, Vic, this is Sarge, from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Vic: Oh, hey there Sarge, long time no see, sorry 'bout that I uh, anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?
Sarge: I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!
Vic: Can do Sarge, I will send an airstrike to target the blue forces now. Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form.
Sarge: But I can't! I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons Two Point O.
Fax machine sounds, Simmons shakes a lot
Simmons: Whoa! Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate.
Grif: Hey Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?
Thea: (coming from behind them) Hi guys.
Simmons/Grif: Thea!
Sarge: How did you get here!?!
Thea: I snuck away from them when the weren't looking.
Sarge/Simmons/Grif: Good thinking.
Tucker: What the hell, Vic! How do you know the red team? Why're you helping them against the blues? What the fuck is going on here?
Vic: Oh... Private, Tucker, you're on here too, uhm... See I uh... You guys are, uh... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.
Radio noises as the channel is shut down
Sarge: Wait, Vic. Red Command! Come in, I need ya!
Cut to Vic
Vic: Well. That's not gonna be very good for business.
Back to the reds
Sarge: Simmons, Grif, Thea... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Thea: Something doesn't feel right guys.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)
Tucker: Wait everyone, stop fighting!
Sarge: Yeah, come on!
Tucker: It's all a lie!
Sarge: Let's go! Haha
Tucker: Red is blue! Blue is red!
Thea: What did he just say?
Sarge: Yeah, kablammo!
Tucker: We're all the same!
Sarge: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!
Radio noises
Church: (arriving with everyone else) Tucker, your radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!
Sarge: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Caboose: This is fun!
Sarge: Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakakakakaka Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!
Simmons: Quiet Sarge, I can't hear what that guy's yelling!
Thea: Sarge wait!
Sheila: Lock and load.
Sarge: I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!
Tucker: Stop fighting! Stop fighting!
Sarge: I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!
Simmons: What did you say, blue?
Thea: He said to stop fighting.
Simmons: Man, you have good hearing.
Church takes over Robot Number 2
Robot Number 2: Hegakergerk, wheh!
Sarge: Kaboom!
Tucker: I said, there's no red versus blue! It's all the-
Doc flies in on the alien vessel and shoots Tucker in the back with a rocket
Tucker: Waaaaaa son of a bitch!
Sarge: What the hell is that?
Church: What the hell is that!?
Lopez: ¿Mira que cosa? (Look at what)
Donut: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!
Thea: Karabast!
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Donut, Caboose, Lopez, and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar, making them scatter
Doc: Oops! Sorry about that big explosion!
O'Malley: Sorry it wasn't bigger! (evil laugh)
Church in Robot Number 2: Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!
Thea: WHO IS O'MALLEY!?!
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Church, Zanzibar, Sarge, Caboose, and Donut, making them scatter
Doc: My bad!
Church: (to Zanzibar) Come on robot, you're with me.
Lopez: (shooting at Church and Zanzibar) ¡Sheila, detenlos![Sheila, stop them!]
Sheila: My pleasure. (aims at them and fires)
Thea: Lopez! I thought we were friends?!
Lopez: lo siento Thea. (I'm sorry Thea)
Cut to Sarge, Thea and Grif behind a rock
Sarge: Grif. We're going to die. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield.
Grif: Yeeeah. I hope you die first too, Sarge.
Thea: Way to ruin the moment.
Church and Zanzibar crest the hill to arrive at Tucker's location
Church: Tucker, Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: (lying motionless on the ground) Church. The purple guy. He's-
Church: Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow.
Tucker: No. He's an asshole.
Sheila: (in background) Lopez! No!
Caboose: Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?
O'Malley laughs evilly in the background. Sheila rolls up to the blues
Sheila: Help! He took Lopez!
Church: What? Where'd he go?
O'Malley laughs evilly as the camera zips to the red base, with him standing with Lopez on it
O'Malley: Here I am, you fool!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Doc: Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
Thea: Is because I made exercise?
Grif: I NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK!
Thea: YOU DID ONE PUSH UP!
O'Malley: You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!
Grif, Thea and Simmons look at each other
O'Malley: The Universe will be mine! (evil laugh)
Sheila: Lopez! No!
O'Malley: Move it, brown bot.
Lopez and O'Malley run through the teleporter
O'Malley: In to the abyss!
Cut to Church, with a lingering evil laugh from our favorite homicidal A.I.
Church: Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!
Caboose: Time out!
Church and Caboose run up to the reds
Grif: Would someone explain what just happened here?
Church: That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez.
Thea: And he calls himself O'Malley?
Church: Yeah.
Thea: Oh.
Sarge: But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back.
Church: Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker.
Grif: So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
Donut: No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.
Everyone looked at Thea.
Thea: Seriously? (Sighs) I think it would be ironic if we were all in a show.
Everyone was silent.
Church:.....That's dumb.
Black screen with message: two hours later. Cut to everyone on top of the red base, including Sheila and Doc's discarded scooter
Church: Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...
Sarge: Yes.
Thea: Same.
Simmons: And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates.
Sarge: We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Donut.
Caboose: We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!
Church: Caboose...
Caboose: We will leave Sheila.
Donut: Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own.
Church: Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge.
Sarge: Today seems like a good day to teleport. (running in to the teleporter) Geronimo!
Caboose: (running in to the teleporter) Paskataway!
Simmons: Hmmm...
Grif: What's wrong?
Simmons: I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again.
Grif: And that's a bad thing?
Simmons: Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird. (runs in to the teleporter)
Thea looks at Church.
Thea: Ladies first?
Church: Just go!
Thea: Okay! Moody.
Thea runs into the portal.
Church: Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?
Grif: After you.
Church runs through the teleporter, followed closely by Grif
Donut: Hah. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave. ...Ah well. (turns to face Sheila) Uh, hi!
Sheila: Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
Donut: Geeze. Sorry.
Francisco Montegue Zanzibar's body shakes a lot, then stops
Tex in Zanzibar's body: Alright you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some- Hey- hey where'd everybody go? (sees Donut) Do I know you? Hey! You're the girl that killed me!
Sheila turns her turret from Tex to Donut
Donut: (turning to face the camera) Uh oh.
Sarge and Caboose emerge standing in a stream
Sarge: Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!
Caboose: Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.
Sarge: Not you, moron. Wait a minute, where are we.
Simmons emerges in what appears to be an industrial complex of some sort, with teleporters everywhere.
Simmons: Guys? Oh guys... Where is everybody?
Thea runs in and raises her gun.
Thea: Alright O'Malley! Don't move-hey where is everyone?
Simmons: Looks like it's just you and me Thea.
Thea: (Sighs) Better then being alone.
Cut to Church and Grif standing on a cliff in Sidewinder.
Church: Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?
Grif: Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?
Someone in tan armor steps behind them, pointing his gun at them.
Max Gain: Freeze, drop your weapon!
Church: Uh oh.
Max: I said freeze, dirtbag!
Church: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Church's body automatically punches Grif
Grif: Ow! Aw, come on!
————————————————————————
Thea is in front of a microphone with red team on their own instruments.
Thea: Let start singing.