TW: Implied self harm and eating disorder alongside mentions of rape
I feel violated. Disgusting. Every night is filled with the same nightmare and the same horrible feeling. The events of that night are on repeat and I can't stop being it was my fault. If I had been stronger this wouldn't have happened.
In my room, I curl into a ball and hide away from the world around me. Kousuke said he had something to take care of before he left and I don't know when he'll get back. Kensuke is at his boyfriend's and their mom is at work. I'm all alone, what am I supposed to do? I used to never have trouble being alone, because I didn't have any true friends and my mom was always working; however, now my thoughts are unbearable to handle with by myself and I can't stand the silence. If I gained the strength to call Kousuke that night would things have changed? If I told Wyatt that I was straight, would the events have been different? I catch my reflection in the full body mirror in front of me to see bruises and scares. The mirror shows a thin boy who hasn't eaten a proper meal in weeks, a boy. Not a man, still a kid. Kou is a man, what would he see in me? Why does he want me? It's times like this that I wish I had the solution to all of life's problems, but I don't. I don't deserve this happy family, or my loving fiancé. He deserves better than myself; after all, what can a teenager provide for a man? Kousuke should find someone else, someone who doesn't make him have to worry about getting in trouble with the school or at least someone who can make him much happier than I can. I can't make him happy because I can't even drag myself to get a meal, I'm a mess. I don't deserve him, I really don't.
It was hours before Kou returned and when he did he looked pissed, more pissed than I've seen him be in a very long time. He didn't say much when he entered the room, just that he was getting a shower and that he wanted to grab a set of clothes and his towel before he left. I know that it's not myself that he's annoyed with, but I don't know what I can help with the situation. I move from sitting on the floor to sitting on the bed, it was more comfortable and the blankets smelled like him, which calmed me. Slowly, I make my way over to our shared closet and grabbed one of his casual t-shirts. I remember it very well, the same one he worn the day we met many moons ago. I feel the tears roll down my face and I clutching the shirt to my chest.
"You deserve so much better" I said with a broken voice.
I was crying and I hated it. I don't like crying, it makes me feel weak. Kousuke always wanted me to cry when I needed to, because it would help me feel better and release all the tension from my body. Suddenly, I feel arms wrapped around myself and wet hair touching my neck. Kousuke was holding me, telling me it was ok, and that nothing that happened was my fault. He can read be like a book. He told me he loved me, that the day he met me was the best day of his life because it has forever changed him to make him a happier person, and that he couldn't wait to marry me. The words that he was saying drowned out any of the others, and as soon as he saw all that he happened to me from my own demons he kissed every visible side affect that was caused by them. This man is too good for this world and he loves me more than anyone ever has, I can't believe how lucky I am to call him mine, my fiancé, future husband, and lover. I am his, his fiancé, future husband, and lover.
I wasn't super pleased about Kousuke going to the shop and causing a scene, but I wasn't all that surprised. He would do anything for me, he's gotten into a gang fight to protect me. The fact that he hunted down the guy and got him fired is believable, but that's his nature. I hope he knows I'd do the same for him. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I am grateful beyond belief. I love him, and no act of another person or my own demons can change that. We've been through hell and back, we fight, have misunderstandings, and don't always agree on everything. Yet, despite all of the we're still here, and we have no intentions of stopping. I take a glance at my ring, til death do us part. That is when we'll let it fade, when one of us has died, but even then, I don't think either of us would be able to move on from the other. I love him, move than I can contain. Maybe that's not so bad, because I know he loves me just as much, and neither of us can find the correct words to express that love and passion for the other. I'm ok with that, because I already know.
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I've got back from vacation a few of days ago and now I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time tomorrow! I'm nervous, but her parents seem excited. Her stepmom has her ask if I'd stay for dinner, if I had a food allergy, or if there were certain foods I wouldn't eat. This is because my family member that I live with wants some alone time and my gf said I could stay with her for a couple of hours. I hope her parents will like my since my family member already met her before.
Wish me luck!!
~🐝