My feet felt like lead as I leaned against the doorframe and watched a teary eyed Sana being consoled by her father. For the first time in months, the back of my eyes burned.
I hadn't shed a tear once I had stepped into this house because my glands were burned out. There was nothing left in them.
But today as my heart squeezed at the sight in front of me, I felt my eyes stinging. The prickling near my neck was intensifying and my will to run away from all this was increasing by each second.
I was screwing up.
Mr. Singh gently wiped Sana's eyes as he picked her up and hugged her. He then looked at me and nodded.
A nod that meant he had got his daughter. He had got the situation.
A situation that I caused.
Feeling my throat choking up, I moved away and leaned back against the wall. A single drop of tear landed on my left hand as I replayed how Sana's guttural voice spoke her fears. She looked at me with lost eyes and broken dreams.
I wasn't a biological mother, I hadn't given birth to anyone. But spending these few months with Sana had weaved my maternal instincts with my existence so intricately that now nothing mattered except her.
I was determined to be the ocean of affection she would receive and give her the love she deserved.
And it was looking like I was failing at that too.
I felt like I was sinking down like an anchor. No matter how much I tried, I was always moving away from the surface and into the deep dark sea.
The door clicked softly as a shadow appeared before me. I didn't have the courage to look into his disappointed eyes and be reminded how I was being selfish.
I began moving away from the wall and inching towards my own room when I heard Mr. Singh call out my name.
It was barely a whisper, laced with such delicacy that it sounded like a prayer. Goosebumps rose on my arms as I heard my name. When was the last time someone had called my name?
"Janki," Mr. Singh breathed again, stepping towards me. My back instantly stiffed when I felt him inching near to me.
I gulped as I clutched the edge of my kurti in my palms.
Mr. Singh walked right in front of me, forcing me to look up at him with hazy eyes. His face looked so tired that a night's sleep didn't seem enough. The dents on his nose from the spectacles he wore were shining from the light of the lamp above us.
His eyes were dark and lost.
"I know I messed up," I said before he could state the obvious. "I just made a decision without evaluating its consequence. I jeopardized my relation with Sana and I'm..."
"Janki," Mr. Singh interrupted me in between. His eyes held mine captive and I felt as though he was trying his best to form words that wouldn't hurt me.
"You and I, we're both..." Mr. Singh breathed in deeply, "we're both hurting."
He took a wavering breath, his walls crumbling and vulnerability on show.
"I can't thank you enough for agreeing to this marriage and becoming Sana's mother. The way you've accepted her with open arms and looked after her all these months, I'm thankful for it. I feel ...blessed to have you in my life"
Mr. Singh's forehead was forming creases. The ones that make you want to do anything to see them gone. I licked my lips as I waited for him to continue.
"We're both mourning our loved ones, Janki. We both lost the ones we wanted in our life and I know this seems unfair, a life you didn't choose willingly but, Janki...."
It's then that he looks into my eyes. Really looks with his hope and pain and hurt.
"Having a friend under this roof wouldn't be so bad"
And with those words, Mr. Singh trudged away carrying a heavy heart and yet offering me his tired, weak and lonely hand to hold onto.
When I returned to my room and stared at myself in the mirror. Someone unexpected greeted me; short black hair, cheeks damp and eyes moist. I looked so different.
I imagined Vansh standing with horror on his face. Disbelieving and accusing eyes demanding answer for the impulsive decision. Then he would race to me with open arms and secure me an hug all the while mumbling how he preferred my long hair. But he would still love me no matter what.
Still love me no matter what.
I would still love him no matter what.
Even if the heavens had separated us, I was sure there was a parallel universe where we were discussing the paint for our house. Happy and satisfied with our life.
Wiping my cheeks and making up my mind for another time today, I went to bed.
***
"Ma'am, do you need anything?" The house maid was clearly surprised to find me in the balcony watering the plants.
"Uh, no," I tried smiling at her but it felt so weird. This was the first time I had the decency to flash her a smile while she talked to me. I made a mental note to not continue that behavior anymore.
"Is Sana awake?" I asked her gently while looking craning my neck looking at Sana's door.
"No, ma'am, I'm afraid she wouldn't be awake for another half hour," she said glancing towards me, "It is early than usual"
Early than what time I get up.
Nodding at her, I tried to calm my nerves as I took the newspaper from the table and began skimming through it.
Oil petrol price surges by a rupee.
New scheme for farmers having no land.
Taxi strike on Monday.
Amitabh Bachchan purchasing a new property.
I rolled my eyes as I snapped it shut and put it back on its original place. It was only then that I noticed a pair of curious eyes on me. Mr. Singh had an amusing look on his face as he gazed at me.
Suddenly, blood rushed to my face fast and I clasped my fingers in my lap unable to think of my next move. I looked around frantically trying to rid the feeling in me that was growing with time.
I was thankful when he walked back to adjoining room but it wasn't before I caught a sliver of smile on his lips. My heart surged at the sight.
I didn't have to think about it for now because the next moment a sleepy Sana had walked into the living room. Clutching the same elephant she had forgotten yesterday. I tensed as I waited for when she would notice me.
I was surprised when Sana walked up to me all the while rubbing her eyes with fingers and yawning. Without a word, she sat next to me and placed her head in my lap and curling next to me.
The amount of relief I felt in that moment was something that I had never experienced before.
Is this what I had been missing every morning? Greeting a sleepy a child while she hid in my lap and clung to my dupatta to sleep for a few more minutes. Watching her get ready and fuss about her breakfast and run around the home trying her to catch her while she laughed gleefully.
No more missing out on that, I thought as I moved my hand over her head.
The house bell rang and I was about to place Sana's head on the sofa and get to open up but Mr. Singh signaled me to stay where I was. He walked to the door and pulled it open. A familiar face popped from the door frame.
Our neighbor.
The middle aged lady walked into the house as Mr. Singh gestured her to come in while smiling fondly at her.
"This an invitation for Avi's birthday tomorrow. I figured I'd come early and give the invitation directly to you" She said while eyeing me. She then placed the card in Mr. Singh's hand and gripped his hands.
"Although it's a children's party, you and your wife both should come," She said and then threw me a small smile before taking her leave.
As Mr. Singh placed the card on the coffee table in front of me, I felt words tumbling out of my mouth.
"Mr. Singh?" I called out.
He lifted his head and looked at me. I could say he was suprised by the way his lost his balance a little.
"If it's alright by you, I'd like to accompany you and Sana to the party," I said in a rush while my toes curled under the table.
When I looked up, Mr. Singh's face wasn't the same stoic it had been all this time, wrinkles appeared near the corner of his mouth. He sat on the sofa opposite me and for the first time I didn't feel like hiding myself infront of him.
"I'd like that very much"
*****
THE END
or is it? ;)