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مشکلیں مجھ پر پڑیں اتنی کہ آساں ہو گئیں
Mushkilien mujh par pari itni k asaan hogayien
The clouds roared against the otherwise quiet and peaceful surrounding. Black and dark, the clouds mimicked the life of a nomad who was leaned against the window, looking too keenly at the inexorable havoc that was about to unleash, knowing there was nothing he could do about it. Knowing all too well it was out of his hands.
It had been two weeks since Safa had gone missing, and now everyone had started going back to their usual routines. This is the reality of life. You leave and people forget you as they carry on with their lives. And all that is left of you is an echo.
A mere memory.
That, too, being faded away.
But even that fading memory leaves a permanent imprint on people close to you, people who love you.
Even though, everyone was back to their lives, their hearts still yearned for her – Asmara's for her best friend; Arham's for the sister he never had; Raina's for a known stranger who became a part of her family in no time; Sameena and Shehryar's for the girl they treated like their own daughter; children's of the village for their second mother.
And his? Just for the mere presence of her.
He had his team search all the girl's hostels in the country, the hotels, NGOs, villages, and basically every place he thought she could go to. But to their dismay, she was nowhere. It was as if the earth had swallowed her. Asmara was also doing everything in her power to find her best friend but in vain.
Safa Hayat had vanished into thin air.
And Azlan Shehryar was the cause of it.
He was the rain to her sun.
The cold and harsh drops tumbled down slowly and gradually on the deserted road, taking their time to create the chaos. The lane of the Capital was silent and devoid of any passerby with everyone taking shelter in their homes for the thunderstorm that was about to ensue.
With his legs crossed and arms wounded on his hard chest, he watched the sight calmly. The façade of calmness hiding the turmoil storming inside him. A drop pattered on the window and he touched it with his finger, tracing it down.
She hated rain.
It all but brought the excruciating memory back as the dreadful sight of her lying on the cold ground flashed across his eyes. Back then it had brought him immense joy to lock her in the roof. But today? Today it shattered him into smithereens. It was too harrowing to even think about the pain she must've gone through. And him being the cause of it. Always.
Azlan Shehryar was the cause of Safa Hayat's agony.
And he hated himself for that.
Even loathe was a small word for what he was feeling for himself.
"Bhai, come, dinner's ready." Raina's voice pulled him out of his reverie.
She could still see the hurt in his eyes. They were agitated with anguish floating in those black depths. No matter what she did to cheer him up, the shades of darkness would never leave him. Even though he had been managing pretty well to put up an act of happiness, the sadness and agony that lied beneath weren't hidden from his family including his best friend.
Putting up a smile, he put his arm around Raina and headed towards the dinning-room, without uttering a single word.
"So how was the movie?" Shehryar asked as he shoveled into the rice, seated on one end of the table. Raina had taken Azlan to the movies today to cheer him up, but to no avail. Every resident of Shehryar House was in grief for the loss of both Ayyan and Safa. But there was one soul brutally affected by all of it. And they were trying to do everything in their power to bring him back to life which he seemed to have stopped living.
"You don't ask." She narrowed her eyes.
"That bad?" Sameena raised an eyebrow.
"Abysmal, I'd say." She let out. "The female lead went through so much at the hands of her loved ones without having any clue about it, and when everything was revealed, she legit moved on with her life without confronting her perpetrators. I mean who the hell does that?" She almost squealed. "How can you move on with your life without getting your closure, especially when the betrayal comes from your own people, the people you loved? Anyone in her place would have confronted and asked as to why they did what they did, just for their own sanity, you know..."
Her words were left hanging in her mouth at the sudden clank of spoon against the plate. With his mouth agape and face flushed, he was staring at Raina as if he had seen a ghost.
"Everything alright, bachey?" Shehryar asked.
"Ithnkimayhvjsfndhr." He mumbled, his mouth suddenly dry.
"WHAT?" Raina looked at him with her eyes scrunched in confusion. "Could you speak up please? We have ears of a normal size."
He took a heavy gulp as he craned his head towards her.
"I think I may have just found her."
"Wait...WHAT?" Raina's eyes widened as both Shehrayar and Sameena gaped at him in bafflement. "You mean Safa?" She yelled on top of her lungs, her happiness knowing no bounds.
"Raina, bachey, calm down! Don't get happy over nothing as for the moment." Shehryar tried making her see sense before turning towards Azlan. "What do you mean?"
"Closure." He shot up on his feet with a jolt. "She needed closure."
All three of them exchanged glances at each other in utter bewilderment and turned towards him to ask for clarity but before they could, he was out of the dinning-room, climbing up the stairs to his room.
Within seconds he was downstairs. With his feet caged in joggers and coat slinging on the back with his hand, he hurried towards the key holder with long strides.
"Azlan, where are you going? How do you know where she is?" Sameena reached him.
"I don't know where she is, but I do know someone who might." He opened the door and without listening any further, scampered out.
******
"You sure you've searched every place she could go to?" Asmara paced along the lake with phone tucked to her ear.
"Yes, I'm sure." Arham's voice boomed through the phone and she could detect he was exhausted.
"Ya Allah!" She rasped as she dropped down beside the lake. "Where has she gone? Why did you do it, Safa?" She looked at the starry sky as the memories of her trying to count the stars with Safa replayed in her head.
A long silence followed and he could hear her sharp breaths. Too heavy. He could feel the pain hidden in them. And there in that moment he wanted nothing more than to just hug her, to assuage her, to tell her everything would be alright. She was hurting and he hated how there was nothing he could do about it.
He missed Safa just as much she did. That woman had become such an important part of his life in just a few days. She was like a sister he never had. Crazy. Empathetic. Resilient. Rebellious. She was a whole package. He loved her for her sassiness and no nonsense attitude. He loved how she could make his boss run on his toes. Azlan Shehryar, on whose fingers the entire business industry was wrapped, was completely wrapped around her fingers and none of the fools knew.
"Hey..." He chirped, breaking the silence. "Don't be sad. You know I can't see you like that."
There was so much truth and helplessness in his tone, she could sense it. She ran a tongue over her dry lips. She had vowed not to talk to this man ever again but circumstances would somehow always end them up together. He was the only person she could talk for consolation and even though it was wrong, it somehow felt right.
"We'll find her, okay? We'll never stop searching unless she's with us again, alright?" He reassured and she nodded before disconnecting the call.
If only Safa Hayat knew how many people loved her and were doing everything in their power to find her!
She was one lucky woman and she didn't even know it yet.
******
The black Land Cruiser ran through the motorway not caring about the slippery road. The downpour was still going on in full torrents but all he could care about was finally getting the chance to see her. He knew he shouldn't let his hopes get too high but he couldn't help it. Just the thought of getting a chance to see her was enough to make him giddy. Ruffling a hand through his hair, he sent a silent prayer that this time he does find her.
By the time he reached Lahore, it was already 2:30 AM. Navigating his way through ample houses in the lane, he finally stopped in front of one particular house. He knew he shouldn't be disturbing them at this hour of the night, but he didn't give two flying hoots about those heartless pricks. They could go to hell for all he cared. Holding up his hand in fist, he banged the door harshly. Finally after a few minutes, the door flung open and stood in front, Ameen Hashmi - Safa Hayat aka Hafsa Ameen's father.
He looked at the visitor in confusion with grogginess when his eyes finally dilated in recognition.
"Saif. You're Saif, right?" He asked, his voice drowsy.
In his search of Hafsa Ameen when Azlan had come to him to interrogate two years ago, Saif was the name he introduced himself with. He had told him he was one of Hafsa's old college friends and that he wanted to invite her for the reunion the classmates were holding. But Ameen Hashmi had no idea of her whereabouts. He did know about Saqibs' death, but that was it. He himself had tried searching for her but in vain. He was a feeble man, he didn't have much connections like Azlan to pull, so he gave up.
That day, Azlan Shehryar had come in search for Hafsa Ameen. But today, he had come in search for Safa Hayat.
This was the last place on earth that he could have thought she'd go to. He knew she hated them. How could she not? They were her criminals and everyone hates their criminals. Especially when betrayal comes from the people you trust the most. He knew it because he'd been through it.
It is always the last person you expect that hurts you the most. And they both were familiar with the feeling. Very much.
"What are you doing here? You still haven't found her?" He looked weak, his cheekbones jutting out, dark circles under his eyes prominent.
"She came here, didn't she?" His voice lingered with hope and Saqib Ameen was no fool. He could see the depth in those eyes for his daughter while he drawled.
A long pause ensued, hanging on Azlan's head like a honed knife. He didn't know if he even wanted the answer to his question. He was afraid. What if he said no, robbing him of the last flicker of hope? He murmured as much prayers as he could, holding his breath when Ameen Hashmi finally broke the heavy silence.
"She did."
******
The night Safa left.
After pouring her heart out to her Rabb, and leaving the Mosque, she came straight to the annex. She had already decided to leave this place which had turned out to be another hell for her. She couldn't live here anymore, not with him being there. Azlan Shehryar had robbed her of her life and to say she hated him for that would be an understatement.
That exact night she had come face to face with the feelings she possessed for that man, the feelings that were burnt down in the deepest corners of her soul, that same night she was robbed of them. Again. The irony! Why was it that she always ended up trusting wrong people? Why was it that life always had to play the cruelest of games with her?
If she could, she would remove his chapter from her life forever. She would wipe his entire being from her existence because it freaking hurt. So damn much.
Sprawled on the couch, she was drinking water when Asmara's curious glances finally got the best of her.
"What?" She yelped. Her face was flushed, eyes rimmed red, hair a mess as a few strands stuck out of the dupatta set on her head and framed around her face.
"Where's your cashmere?" She knew her best friend well enough to not give into her questions directly. She knew she'd stretch it to a completely different angle and she needed to grapple her in a way she couldn't make any excuse out of it.
Moving her head sideways, she threw glances at her shoulders. She remembered throwing it off in his bed to attend to his wounds.
"I was sitting by the lake and took it off for a while to enjoy the wind, but it somehow ended up falling in the water." She lied without any hesitation as if she was pro at it which she was.
Safa Hayat had mastered the art of lying to protect herself.
Asmara gaped at her, knowing too well she was lying. She knew she couldn't beat this woman so she got direct.
"What happened?" Her voice was soft, laced with care, as she came and sat beside her.
"Nothing. Why would you ask such an absurd question?" She tore her gaze away. She didn't have it in her to face her. Not when she was at the brink of sanity. When she was on the verge of breaking down...again. She was barely keeping her pieces together. She couldn't lose herself again. She had to be strong which she already was, and she knew it. Thanks to her amazing life!
"Because I want to know whose bones I need to break." She said in no nonsense tone, making Safa chuckle a bit. "Alright, I won't pester you with questions if you are not comfortable answering them. But I just want you to know that I'm always here for you, okay? You can always share with me. I will neither judge you nor will I ever tell on you."
Safa looked at her with a small smile gracing her plump lips. "I know. I'm just exhausted. That's it."
She pulled her in a warmth embrace, longer than Asmara could have anticipated, for this was the last time she was hugging her best friend and she wanted to devour it wholly.
She was going to miss her so much. Her heart broke a bit more.
******
Lahore wasn't just a city for her. For her, it was her whole world. A world where she was born. A world where she was brought up. A world where she lost her mother to cancer. A world where she lost her father to money. A world where she lost herself to the beasts it held.
Traumatizing. Aching. A plethora of dreadful memories.
But she had to face it. She never thought she'd come here again. She never wanted to. She couldn't bring herself together to look in the eyes of the man who sold her. A man who was supposed to protect her.
But she had to do it, no matter how much it would hurt. She needed to get her closure. She had always spent her life wondering as to why he did what he did. To ask him if she was only worth just a few bucks for him. To ask him if his heart didn't, even for a second, waver to sell her like that. How could he send his own progeny to hell with his own damn hands?
She had had enough of all of it. She needed to move on. And to do that, she needed to confront the people who did her wrong. She needed answers to all these questions always lingering in her head so they could stop bothering her once and for all, doesn't matter the pain that'd come with it. She had already endured so much of it. She had gotten pretty used to the feeling. It had become a part of hers now. She had learned how to live with it.
Standing in front of the house that robbed her of her childhood, her innocence, her life, wasn't easy. And yet here she was, standing on the side of all too familiar lane. The light wind wafted through her nostrils, making her choke. Even the air of this city reeked with the atrocities of her past. She had covered her face with the hem of her dupatta as one hand held it on the other side of the face. She didn't want anyone to recognize her. She neither wanted their sympathies nor their laughs at her fateful life. No, thank you very much!
Closing her eyes shut to gather strength, she opened them a few seconds later and rang the doorbell. After a few minutes of constant ringing when the door still didn't open, sharp lines of frown materialized on her forehead. She rose on her toes to peek inside when a voice from behind her startled her and she turned around.
"Baaji (sister), what are you doing? No one lives here." A man in his almost thirties divulged.
"What?" She scowled, her heart sinking.
"Yes. See, there's a lock there!" He pointed towards the huge lock sitting on the gate. She smacked herself mentally for being so dumb.
The man was just about to go when she called after him. "Umm...do you, by any chance, know where they went?"
The man shook his head. "I'm afraid, I don't. I just moved here a couple of weeks ago."
"Oh okay." Her face fell with despondency as her voice dropped a notch.
"You can ask around if you want. I'm sure someone would know." He suggested.
"Wow, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of it?" She let out in annoyance, her face straight, not even a hint of mirth in her eyes. But the guy seemed to have taken offence in her tone.
"Maybe because you weren't even sighted enough to see that humongous lock on the gate either." He quipped before leaving. She didn't even have enough strength left in her to roll her eyes at him let alone throw a snide remark back. Damn, you, Azlan Shehryar!
After interrogating for half an hour, she finally got the information she needed. Typing the address away on the phone – the first thing she had bought the moment she left her heaven – she finally headed towards the said place: her hell.
******
In this heat and traffic she thought it was impossible to reach there. But she had to do it. She had finally gathered enough strength to take the plunge after what felt like eons. She couldn't back out now, because she knew if she did, she would never be able to muster that strength again.
It was a now or never moment for her.
After three hours of struggling and sweating in the traffic, she finally arrived at the designated address. The sun was almost succumbing to the horizon behind, the streaks of which brushed against her flushed out face. She was petrified to death as her heart thudded mercilessly against her ribcage, her back ramrod.
Was coming here even a good idea?
No, she couldn't even let her brain contemplate on those lines. She had to do it someday anyway. Better be now and just get done with it. Trembling, she held her hand up to ring the doorbell but stopped just when she was about to. Her breaths were coming in intervals. She felt suffocated standing in that vast area.
The house looked well-furnished even from outside. It was quite bigger than the previous one. So this is how she was worth! A humorless chuckle escaped her mouth as she scanned the place with agonizing eyes filled with water of rage and betrayal. She wanted to burn this house down and devour on the ashes that snatched everything away from her and turned her entire being into ashes.
She was still immersed in her thoughts, when someone opened the door from inside.
It was him.
Her father.
Her once favorite person on this earth.
Now her criminal.
She stopped breathing as her spine constricted. The ball of saliva got stuck somewhere in her throat as she felt coal slitting it. It took everything in her to not let the scalding liquid fall from her eyes. No way she was going to cry in front of her perpetrator!
"AsSalamuAlaikum, do you need anything?" He arched his eyebrow.
It was sardonically humorous how he said 'AsSalamuAlaikum' which literally translates to "Peace be unto you" when he was the one who snatched her peace away from her. Forever.
She tried speaking but words were too stubborn to come out. It required a lot more strength than she had anticipated. She kept peering at the feeble man in front of her from behind the makeshift veil, her eyes bogging her out of her sockets. She thought they might as well drop down. Quite literally.
"Is there anything I can do for you, dear?" He asked, now getting curious. His salt and pepper hair he always had didn't have pepper sprinkle on it anymore. They were pure white.
Yes, give me my life back!
She gritted her teeth as her jaws clenched and she let the hem of her drape let lose as it finally fell down to reveal Hafsa Ameen.
The old man staggered back and stumbled upon his feet. He was about to fall when she swiftly stepped towards him and held him.
"Ba-" The word, though, didn't come out of her mouth. It was as if it itself didn't want to. As if the word itself didn't want to be associated with someone so monstrous.
She instantly removed her hands from him. She didn't want to come so much as even near him let alone holding him. She moved back, maintaining a safe distance between herself and him.
"Hafsa..."
"Don't take my name." She gritted out. This was the first time she spoke during the whole ordeal. "I'm just here to collect my answers and then I'll be back on my way. I don't need your fake affection. Thank you!" Her voice was cold with hate. She had never talked to her father like this, but to say she didn't give a single hoot today would be an understatement. He deserved her wrath. Every bit of it.
Tears started rolling down Ameen Hashmi's eyes at the hate-filled tone of his daughter. She rolled her eyes as she folded her hands on her chest.
These tears were nothing in front of the oceans she had shed.
These waterworks would never work on her.
"So tell me. Why did you do it?" She looked straight into his eyes.
"Would you like to come inside?" His voice wavered.
"Like? Definitely not. Have to? As much as I loathe stepping in your house, yes, I guess." She said as she stormed inside, not wanting to create any scene outside.
"So this is the amount you got for selling me." She scanned the palatial living room with torn expressions. "Is this how much I was worth?" She looked at him, accusingly.
"No." He had just whispered when another voice boomed around the premises.
"Who is it, Ameen?..." Sadiya halted in her steps as her gaze fell on the girl she had never considered her daughter. Her expressions deepened into horror as she let out her name before breaking into tears.
Walking towards her, she bent down and held her ankles. "I'm so sorry..."
Safa instantly moved back as if she was electrocuted. "What the hell are you doing?" She said with disdain.
"I'm so sorry, Hafsa."
"Standup!" She spat in authority, making her follow her command.
"Don't. Ever. Try. To. Touch. Me. Again." She enunciated each word which terrified the residents of that beautiful house.
The beautiful house bought out of her misery.
"This much hate, Hafsa?"
"Hate? You are seriously talking about hate? You who always made me feel like I was nothing more than a piece of flesh. You who treated me like trash. You who always told me how I was incapable of being loved. You who hated a child, just a child, who had never done anything wrong with you, with her chest. You? It's really ironic, coming from you." She snorted.
Her mother had always taught her to respect her elders, to not raise her voice at them even if they were wrong. She followed her advice until she was Hafsa Ameen. The moment she turned Safa Hayat, everything about her changed. She stopped believing in this hypocritical and double standard statement of "Respect your elders." Bullshit. Her mantra changed to "Respect those who respect you." Just because some people came to this world before her didn't mean they earned the privilege of being right. It they were wrong, they were wrong. You have to earn respect, not demand it. Period.
"Don't ever disrespect your father no matter what he does. He's your father after all." Her mother had said in her deathbed.
She had held on to her command all her life, but now? No. Just no. Just like everything has a certain conduit to come in to this world, humans do, too. Ameen Hashmi might have served as that conduit, but that was it. His role was only limited to that in her life. He could never become her father. So no, he was NOT her father. She refused to accept it. She was born without a father. Because this selfish man standing in front of her could never be one.
"I'm so sorry, my child." Ameen Hashmi's wail pulled her out of her haze.
"Alright, for now, let's just settle one fact." She stated and he looked at her with questioning gaze. "I'm not your child so, for the name of Allah, stop calling me that."
His head jutted down in shame. Good.
"I know we have no right to ask for your forgiveness. But I need you to know that we were going through severe financial crisis at that time and..."
"So you decided to sell your own daughter to that monster. Wow!" She cut him off.
"That's not entirely true." He continued, earning a glare from her. "We had no idea he'd treat you like that."
"He freaking gave you MONEY in exchange for me. What more hints did you need to understand his intentions?" She seethed. "You are such a disgrace in the name of father."
"You are right." He drawled. "If there's anything I can do to amend..."
"No, there isn't." She was disgusted beyond lengths.
They had wronged her. Killed her. And there was no way she was going to forgive her perpetrators. Never. Not even in a million years. Not even if they were clung to her feet, begging for it. She wouldn't let go of everything too easily. They had hurt her beyond measures. They deserved the exact in return. No mercy, whatsoever.
"And you," she turned towards Sadiya. "Don't' you have your own daughters? Could you have imagined them in my place? No, right? Then how could you do such a horrifying thing to someone else's daughter?"
"You see, that's where you are wrong." She murmured as tears cascaded down her face, cheeks sunken deep inside. "I don't have daughters. Not anymore."
A sob blurted out of her mouth and Safa's eyes widened in both surprise and bafflement.
"What do you mean?" She inquired as she fisted the sides of her sleeves. She had always loved her sisters. They were innocent and didn't deserve to be brought in this mess. Her heart skipped a beat as she held her mouth. She wasn't ready to hear what was coming.
"Since the day you left that house, we had never been happy. When we moved here, we thought life would change for us. It was a fresh start for us. We finally had enough money to lead a good life." Safa's heart stunk at that, but she managed not to retort. The topic at hand was way more important for her than her own-self. It was about her sisters. Those two little munchkins she hadn't seen in ages. A small part of hers that motivated her to come here was finally getting to meet them. But now Sadiya's words were eating that chance.
"But how could we even think to expect something glorious out of someone's misery." She looked apologetically at her, too ashamed and vulnerable. "The fact that few days before your wedding we didn't even have enough money to feed our stomachs, and then having loads of them after your departure wasn't sitting well with Waliya. She kept prodding us about the money and we would shoot one lie or another at her. Apart from that, not having any kind of contact with you was another thing that kept bothering her. She had never liked Saqib. 'I don't like the way he looks at me,' she'd say. And then you getting married to him and vanishing from our lives completely, helped her putting the pieces together."
She didn't know if she wanted to hear any further. Not only her, but her sisters were also suffering here. She hated herself for not being able to protect them. But then again, she couldn't even protect herself against these two evils disguised as parents.
"Then, one day she just packed her bag and dropped a bomb that she was leaving. I begged her, apologized countless times, but she still didn't budge. 'I don't even wanna look at the faces of people who treated my aapi like a sacrificial goat. If you could do that to her, what's the guarantee you wouldn't do it to me and Nataliya, too?," she had said." She hitched in her cries as she continued.
"I cursed you so much for the amount of effect you had on my daughter, and wished all sorts of atrocities upon you. I'm so sorry for that. I was blinded by my love for them and worldly things. But what little meaning do they have when you have to lose your loved ones to achieve them? We were both left alone in this hell which we bought considering as heaven. These walls gnaw at us. We've never been happy ever since you left."
"What do you mean you were both left alone? What about Nataliya?"
At that, Sadiya plonked down on the chair behind her as her eyes wandered somewhere else. And there in those depths, Safa saw nothing but immense pain. Too incorrigible and stark. It scared her. She swallowed the insides of her mouth with tense as beads of sweat emerged on her forehead, her hands clammy.
"She...died."
She felt her world collapsing in front of her again. He throat was suddenly feeling too small as it closed in on her. She choked for air. There wasn't any. Turning around, she dashed out into the veranda. It still didn't help. One week. In just one week she had lost three people. Ayaan, her sister, and him – the person she had thought he was.
She felt sick to her stomach, she wanted to throw up.
A hand on her shoulder pulled her out of her excruciating trance.
"You, okay, there?"
Shrugging his hand off, she looked at Ameen Hashmi with loath. "Am I okay?" Are you seriously asking me this pathetic question?" She yelled. "No, of course, I'm not OKAY! None of your children were/are/will ever be okay, all because of you and your greed. I don't know what we did to deserve parents like you." This was the first time she finally let her emotions take over since the moment she had stepped foot inside this God forsaken house as a suppressed sob left her mouth.
"You know what? I can't even look at your face now! This is all so excruciating. I need to go. I've already lost everyone in my life. There's nothing left for me here anyway." She marched out of the house.
She had just waved her hand to stop an auto when Ameen Hashmi called after her, there was a piece of paper in his hand.
"You haven't lost everyone." He said as he extended the paper towards her. "This is Waliya's address. I somehow managed to find her. Sadiya doesn't know that. Waliya doesn't wanna see us and I understand that which is why I have never even tried to bother her. I've already lost two daughters, I can't afford to lose another one."
"Oh, how mighty of you!"
She took the paper from his trembling hand and there in that moment, she saw regret in his eyes. Loads of it.
Good.
Very good.
******
A/N
Early update because my exam didn't go great at all and I needed to do something for catharsis. Can you guys please pray for your author that she passes this course? It's too hard. I don't wanna go through the same trauma of studying it in next semester again.