"WE'RE GETTING CLOSER TO TOMORROW."
JUNE 3, 2017 — 8:50 AM
Tomorrow was graduation. I'd be able to be free from Beomgyu, be free from this hell I called school. I mean, the prisoners—aka my teachers and friends—that stood with me in here made it all a bit better, but this school was still a prison. I'm glad to be having fun, to remember all the fun... but I wanted it to be over already.
All the seniors had gathered in the gym, practicing how we would be walking to get our diploma. I didn't want to describe to process, especially when I didn't understand it. I was by myself at the back thanks to alphabetical order, but every time Yena had the chance, she'd be gossiping to me about the couple next to her, saying they have relationship problems.
I was tired already from walking around the gym like a fool, but we'd be doing this on the field tomorrow too. Must I continue to stroll around like an idiot tomorrow too!?
"You're all dismissed!" The principal said over the speaker, causing us all to cheer—including me. I was glad that this shit was over—I'd be going back to Ms. Kang and getting my daily chores done for her class. "Thank you for coming, and see you all tomorrow morning for your graduation! Go, Seniors!"
I knew the principal must've been tired of us, too.
"Yiiiiiii~hwa!" I heard, the anticipation in the feminine voice belonging to one person. I turned around to see Yena, jumping around like a small bunny, Taehyun following her like a lost puppy. Beomgyu was nowhere to be found, but who cares? Not me. "We're already out for the day! Can you believe it?"
"Good for you," I chuckled, fixing my ponytail. "However, I'm off to go help Ms. Kang with some things after I go get some fresh air."
"Let me come with you!" Yena said, and before I could fight back, she pulled me away from Taehyun and an upcoming Beomgyu. Pulling me into the courtyard, Yena looking both ways before closing the door behind me. Should I tell her? She might already know, considering that unamused look on her face. Crossing her arms, the girl leaned forward. "Don't worry, there aren't any cameras here. Go ahead."
"You know, right?" I faced her, taking out the lighter from my right pocket and a cigarette from my left. "—That I smoke."
"I'm completely aware of it, to be quite honest—especially when I chased after you on your birthday just to find you on the phone with Yeonjun AND with a cigarette in your hand. I shouldn't be shocked, but after all that I've heard, I'm momentarily appalled," She tapped her foot against the concrete, a frown on her face. "What exactly are you doing?! Are you crazy?!"
"What do you mean "what am I doing?" I'm doing what I want!" I exclaimed, frowning. "I just.. don't feel for people anymore—especially Beomgyu."
"Especially Beomgyu!?" She recited, gasping. A small smile was brought onto her face before she embraced me, causing me to widen my eyes. "Oh my gosh, my little girl is all grown up now! She's moved on from her first love, and while she is smoking—though I don't approve of it—, it means she's really growing! Ahh!"
"Alright, alright, enough of that bullshit," I pried her off of me, frowning as she shrugged happily. I lit my cigarette, placing it between my lips as I inhaled the smoke. Exhaling it, she watched carefully. "You can't tell anyone about it, especially Beomgyu, Yena! If he finds out, he'll instantly think—"
"You fell out of love with him. Yet, isn't that the truth?" She crossed her arms, leaning her chin up as she knew she was right. I didn't feel the same about Beomgyu as I did before, almost like the feelings had tired themselves out. "Think about it, Yihwa. You wouldn't ask for the cigarette box from Soobin if you didn't need them. Even if you think you'd need them, you wouldn't smoke them if it wasn't true. Promises were meant to be broken, and I guess my favorite one was the first to be broken."
"You seem to love rooting for our relationship, Yena, even when you say we should break up."
"Well, I loved rooting for it at one point, well before everyone hated it," She added, chuckling at me. "Now, as much as I hate it, it's nice to reminisce on the stupidity of puppy love. I'm glad you and I are growing out of it."
"A little too glad, that is," I replied, inhaling the smoke again. Exhaling once more, I threw the cigarette stub to the ground, stepping on it to let the flame die out. Picking it up, I threw it in the trash can by the entrance. "You sound happier than me."
"Well, you'll be crying, screaming, yelling when it happens tomorrow," Yena sighed, smiling sadly. "Can't we celebrate the perfect parts of the upcoming break up before it really breaks down tomorrow?"
"I can't tell whether it should be happy or sad—but I suppose we could smile about it for a bit," I sighed, looking down at the grass. "Who knew four years would go to waste, though... I kind of wished that I could be the one to save the relationship, the one to change... but even as I did change and as I put in the effort to keep it mended, it tore even more. It's only right that we loosen the ties between us for the greater good."
"I suppose, as long as you're happy at it by the end of it," She shook her head, brushing her hair back. "Actually, let me rephrase that since you won't—as long as you're happy in the long run and you'll decide to find new opportunities, then I'll be fine with you breaking up with him."
"Yena, you think of me a lot," I sighed, grinning at her. "I... appreciate it. A lot."
"Well, you aren't my best friend for nothing!" She giggled, shaking her shoulders. "Aren't you glad we're graduating? We'll be going to the same school together, being around the same campus—maybe even dorm-mates!"
"I fucking hope not."
"Hey~" She frowned, and before she could continue, we heard a door slam closed. Yena flinching first, her eyes widened.
"Fuck, I knew I should've fucking locked the door... haha, hey—"
"You're not going to Yonsei?" His voice was ice-cold, his teeth probably gritted as I gulped. Closing my eyes, I turned to a furious Beomgyu, soon opening to see his hooded eyes and clenched fists. "You lied to me? What the FUCK, Yang Yihwa!"
"I'll... um... leave you guys to talk," Yena backed away, Beomgyu unable to take his stare off of me. "Sorry... again!" The girl ran off, closing the door behind her as I sighed. Of course, this happened. Yena, you unlucky bitch.
"Would you like to yell at me first or would you like for me to explain?" I shoved my hands in my pocket, playing with the lighter in my hands. I was about to light myself on fire if he called me a bitch one more time."Because I'm not in the mood to fight with you. First, it was my birthday, now this? What would you like to do?"
"Explain," He calmly sighed, gulping his words as his eyes softened. "While I am ready to spit a few words at you, I'd like you to explain."
"Well, then I will," I cleared my throat, looking at him as he exhaled heavily. "I applied to Yonsei, and I got in. However, since I also applied to Seoul National, I was offered a scholarship. Considering what's better for my financial status as well as what's better for me in the long run, I chose Seoul National. I apologize if that offends you in any way—though it shouldn't."
"Cut out your passive-aggressiveness, and be honest—because you and I know your financial status is just fine," He whispered harshly, glaring at me. "Do you just not want to go to Yonsei? Is it because of me or because of Yeonjun hyung? Because let me reassure you, we aren't going to bother you."
"I understand why you may feel this way, but I am being honest—I was offered a scholarship to Seoul National," I replied, rolling my eyes. "And considering my financial status, it's none of your business, but I'll tell you. My parents neglected me for almost all my life, why should I let them pay for things they don't want to? I already told them there's no need to, so I'm paying for college on my own. Do you understand now?"
"Yonsei isn't that bad of a school either—so why did you only apply for a scholarship at Seoul National?" Shit. "There's more to your honest story than you think there is, Yihwa. Just be fucking honest, I'll take it."
"You can't take bullshit, that's the problem, Beomgyu."
"How do you know that when all we've done is yell at each other like imbeciles?"
"That is the problem, that's how I know you can't handle it, Beomgyu—"
"But that's when we're YELLING, Yihwa, c'mon—"
"I APPLIED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU, BEOMGYU!" I yelled, stepping away as he started to glare harder. I chuckled in disbelief, flailing my arms as my hands are released from my pockets. "Are you happy to hear the truth, finally? It's because I meant it that day, I am SICK. You make me feel horrible about myself."
"It's not purposely, I'm trying my best."
"Well, try harder!"
"Why are you so rude?" He laughed in disbelief, stepping back as well. "You seem to get colder and colder every time we meet. Have you changed?"
"Yeah, I have," I swallowed, my throat feeling dry. "I've changed just enough that you start to notice it—so why haven't you changed?"
"Maybe because I don't want to—or maybe because you just never point out what I have to change."
"You know, I don't know what I want in a man—at least that he wouldn't be an absolute dickhead."
"Hey," He warned, pointing at me. "Don't blame me all of a sudden. I told you that if you wanted to change something about me, you could just tell me—"
"I want you to grow on your own, Beomgyu—not because you want to be the "perfect boyfriend" for your girlfriend," I muttered, sighing in defeat. "I don't want to tell you something just for you to tell me you don't like it. As far as I know, you'd probably complain about it or yell at me and call me a bitch."
"Why is that always the first thing you assume from me?" He queried, grimacing. "Do you think I'll always call you one every time—"
"It's because you always do call me one," I disrupted, unamused. "Are you done being mad? Because I'd like to go to Seoul National University and not care about you nor us anymore. I want to graduate and leave myself to the college board, leave myself to working harder on myself than playing cat and mouse with you."
"Don't you think I'm tired too, Yihwa?" He questioned, obviously laughing at his own disbelief. "You tire me out too, with your cold behavior and your lies! You fess up too many excuses for me to even remember what the truth is. You manipulate me until I'm on my knees, begging for you to stop. I'm as sick as you as much as you are sick of me."
"Then what's stopping us?"
"Huh?"
"If the feeling is mutual, why do we keep going back to square one?" I saw the light drain from his face, my head slightly nodding as I gazed away. "We've done this a million times, Beomgyu. Are you ready to finally mean it?"
"I..." He trailed off, swallowing his words as his eyes were covered by his growing bangs. "I... don't know what to feel."
"Well, we can talk about this some other time, then, hm?"
"No, Yihwa, let's—"
"See you tomorrow at graduation, Beomgyu," I smiled awkwardly, my chest starting to hurt as my throat got drier. "Yeah... see you tomorrow."
"Yihwa—"
"Bye."