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"Hi Summer, my name is Dr. Halstead, but you can just call me Kat if you feel more comfortable."
"I like Kat, is it short for something?"
The therapist smiled and removed her glasses, placing them on the desk beside her before answering my question. "Yes, my name is Katherine." I watched as she opened her notebook, reading information unknown to me.
While she was distracted, I took the chance to observe my surroundings. The room I was in was small, but it felt open due to the way the furniture was placed. The blinds were closed, and the room was dimly lit, the neutral tone of the wallpaper, and frequent placing of plants making the atmosphere homey.
She had a radio on that played tranquil music, sitting next to an oil diffuser that pumped out a wonderful lavender scent. The couch was extremely soft and given the environment, I might have fallen asleep if she wasn't sitting five feet away from me. Her office felt so safe, no wonder Sandra had been doing much better since seeing her.
"So, why don't you tell me about yourself Summer, and I'll do the same." She crossed her legs and smiled, waiting for me to begin. "Uh, I'm twenty-two, I'm going into my senior year of college and I'm studying education to be a teacher." She nodded her head slowly as I spoke. "Have you always wanted to be a teacher?"
"Yes, I love kids and I love learning. I'm more interested in teaching kindergarten, so I focus on early childhood education courses." She giggled before interjecting, "I have a four-year-old that is obsessed with the ABC song at the moment." She pulled out her phone and showed me a video of her son causing me to smile immediately, "he's very cute, that's exactly why I want to teach young kids, those moments are everything." She hummed, bobbing her head. "I agree, do you have any younger siblings that inspire you as well?"
"No, my parents were one and done."
"And how is that? Being an only child?"
No one had ever asked me that before, "it's not as lonely as everyone thinks it is. Me and my parents are close, and I had a pleasant childhood." She made a note in her book and turned back to me. "Good, good, and what is your parents' relationship like?" Her head tilted, patiently waiting for my answer. "My parents have a good relationship; they suit each other well. Of course, they bump heads from time to time, but they've always been an example of what I'd want from a relationship." She raised her brows and pressed me further, "and what is it that you want from a relationship?"
"Happiness. I want my partner to add to my happiness. I want to have honesty, loyalty, humility. I want to be able to communicate, laugh, cry, to have fun. I want a friend and a confidant, and most of all I want to feel loved, and to not have to question that love."
She hummed and wrote another note in her book. "And have you found that yet?" My cheeks heated instantly, "Yes, I have now." She raised another brow, uncrossing her legs. "Now? Was there someone in your past that didn't give you that?" This woman was good, scarily good. "Yes, he's part of the reason I'm here actually." She continued to nod her head, imploring me to continue.
"His name is Christopher Johnson. We started dating the summer before my senior year of high school."
"And how long were you and Christopher together?"
"A year and some change."
Humming again, her forehead creased this time. "Tell me, what was it like being with Chris?" He was so awful I'd almost forgotten he wasn't always like that, or maybe it was just that he was good at deceiving people, deceiving me.
"He was kind, almost too kind."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, I just mean he was laying it on thick; almost like he was trying to convince himself that he was nice." I took a deep breath and continued, "I had seen him around school, but we didn't talk much, we ran in different circles. I spent a lot of time at the track during the summer because my friend wanted me to watch his practices and Chris would be there, reading a book on the bleachers. We'd say hi to each other in passing until one day he decided to try for more than just a hi and bye."
"You always sit right in the sun, why is that?"
I laughed at his awkward attempt at trying to get my attention, but it worked.
"Hi Summer, Oh hi Chris! Shouldn't you have opened with that?" I giggled, watching him shrink in embarrassment, it was cute. "Shit let me start over, hi Summer, I'm Chris?" He put out his hand for me to shake, "I know who you are Chris, I just said your name didn't I?" I tried not to sound too sarcastic because I didn't want to scare him off, I was enjoying our banter.
"I'm doing this all wrong aren't I?"
"You're doing just fine. I'm sitting in the sun because it makes me sleepy. Once I leave here, I go home, take a shower, and fall right to sleep. It's heaven." I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, basking in the sun. I could hear Chris chuckle, so I opened an eye and peered over at him. "And what are you doing out here?" He would come and sit for an hour every day before disappearing.
"My baby brother goes to the summer camp across the street. He leaves at three, so I come to the field at two to pass the time."
"Makes sense." I shrugged and looked back onto the field. "Took you long enough to come say something." He laughed nervously, rubbing his arm. "I had to work up the courage, I see you with Devon a lot now, so I didn't think you'd like a guy like me." It was the classic nice guy strategy, I should have seen right through it, but his vulnerability made me want to know more.
"Me and Devon are just friends, I'm not the kind of girl he's into. And what do you mean a guy like you, you're nice aren't you, Chris?"
"I'd like to think so."
"And you're cute."
"You think I'm cute?"
"I do think you're cute." He began blushing and avoiding eye contact. "So why wouldn't I like a guy like you?" I was taking the lead with the flirting, trying to make him more comfortable. "I guess you're right. Was that too cocky?"
"Confidence and cocky are two different things, Chris."
He laughed at almost everything I said, even when it wasn't funny. I liked that about him, he made me feel heard, appreciated. "I hate to cut this conversation short but it's time for me to go get my brother, think you could give me your number and we could continue over dinner?" I blushed at his sudden swift in approach and took his phone, jotting my number down in it. We said our goodbyes and that was the beginning of everything, I went home that night thinking about Chris non-stop, unaware that in a few months? I'd want to take it all back.
The dinner was our first date, and we'd have many more after that before he officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon for him, he was everything I ever wanted. He was gentle, sweet, funny, a good listener. I was infatuated with him, an infatuation I thought was love and he missed no opportunity to make me feel like it was. He was my first date, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first time.
He changed completely after we had sex for the first time.
"You're wearing that?" I had on a pair of jean shorts and a crop top. It was sweltering outside; he was lucky I was wearing anything at all. "Yeah, what's wrong with it? You've never had a problem with my clothes before?" He'd come up to me kissing my cheek, running his fingers through my hair. He liked it straight, so I kept it straight with him.
"I know baby it's just; you look so good I don't want anyone looking at you and getting ideas."
He'd caress my cheek, his soothing touches distracting me from his motives.
"What's wrong with looking? I'm yours so why does it matter?"
Anger flashed in his eyes, but he relaxed and placed a short, soft kiss on my lips when he saw my confusion. "Can you just change for me, baby? I love this outfit on you, can't I just want to see you like this all for myself?" I didn't know any better, I thought it was cute he'd want me to wear outfits just for him. So that's what I did, I wore revealing clothes when we were together and covered up when we were out. It was exciting at first but then I started to feel beside myself.
That's all it was at first. The clothes, the hair, and then it was the makeup, my friends. He began nit-picking at everything I did, rewriting the way my brain worked.
"Don't you want to stay in and watch a movie?" He pouted as he watched me get ready to leave.
"That's all you ever want to do anymore Chris; I promised my friends I'd hang out with them tonight." He moaned and groaned before sweet-talking me like he always did. "Is it so wrong that I want to spend time with my girlfriend, just the two of us? I hate all the noise when other people are around, I just want to focus on you when we're together. You get all my attention; don't I deserve the same?" He didn't know how bad he made me feel at that moment. I was being a horrible girlfriend, my boyfriend just wanted to spend time with me, why didn't I see that?
"I'll stay here with you tonight, okay?" He smiled, satisfied with his convincing performance. Something in me felt icky, but I couldn't figure out what, so I pushed the feeling far away. Somewhere I wouldn't have to deal with it, that is until he progressed with his manipulation.
We were eight months in, and we had sex about five times. I just wasn't into it. He was in and out in minutes I never had fun, I just laid there, moaning to make him feel better about himself. It felt gross pretending with him, but I was too embarrassed to tell him I didn't like having sex with him, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I just refused his advances. At first, he understood but then he got restless.
"I'm not in the mood Chris."
It had been a trying day for me, I just wanted to be held.
"Why not? We haven't had sex in so long, are you cheating on me? Is that it?" I couldn't believe what he was accusing me of. "Cheating? No! I just don't want to have sex that's all. Can't we just spend time with each other?" He laughed obnoxiously, "all we do is spend time with each other Summer, we're boyfriend and girlfriend, we're supposed to be having sex. You have to be seeing someone else, who are you slutting yourself out for?" Not knowing what else to do or say I began crying. His words were soul-crushing and to make matters worse? He didn't rush to apologize, he sat there and watched me cry before he caved.
"Summer baby I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I'm just a little frustrated. You, your body is just so-" He looked me up and down, making bile rise in my throat. "I need you, Summer, please." I stood my ground and refused him, thankfully he didn't press on. Instead, he grabbed his things and left, leaving me in my room to feel empty and used.
I had isolated myself completely. Except for Devon, Chris was all I had. I became reserved and self-conscious; I was a shell of my previous self, and I grew to hate myself for it every day. I despised who I became. Chris continued his tyranny over me but luckily, he'd stopped begging for sex.
He went elsewhere to get it.
The first time I caught him cheating, he was in the bathroom, and he left his phone on my bed. It was facing upward like he had nothing to hide. I just glanced over and saw a text message from a girl in our grade. She was raving about how much fun she'd had with him and how badly she wanted to do it again. I pretended like I didn't see anything when he came out of the bathroom, I didn't want to argue.
I cried myself to sleep that night.
It was getting to the point where he wasn't even trying to hide his cheating, I accused him as he did me except I had actual evidence. Still, he denied it.
"Cheating? Summer get real. Why would I cheat on you? I swear you say some of the dumbest shit. Who's telling you this shit huh? What did I tell you about those friends of yours, they fill your head with nothing but lies."
I was so tired, I just nodded my head and kicked him out. My head pounded from crying so much I just wanted it all to end. I didn't know what I did to deserve any of this.
Ten months in Chris took the only person I had left away from me.
"Why did Ryan tell me he saw you and Devon off together yesterday?"
"Maybe because we're friends?" I was so tired of hearing him talk. "Watch your fucking mouth Summer. Are you fucking him?" Here we go again. "No Chris, Devon and I are friends! Just friends!" His face softened, but he kept his cold tone intact. "You love me, right?" I did. "I do." He took my hand in his, kissing it gently. "You can't be friends with him anymore."
Don't do this is what I was thinking. I was begging him not to do this.
"What? Why? He's done nothing wrong."
"I can't trust him, and neither can you. He uses girls, girls like you. He takes advantage of them and uses them for their body. I bet he's just being nice to you to get close to you so he can make his move. What could possibly interest him besides sex with you?"
He didn't care how bad he hurt me; he'd say anything to control me.
"I just want what's best for you, baby can't you see that?"
"But-"
"I'll ruin you and him Summer you don't know what I'm capable of."
I told Devon to stay away the next day.
Prom came around and I was very close to not attending. Chris had a problem with every dress I'd picked out. Too short, too slutty, too red, I mean for fuck's sake I couldn't please him to save my life. I finally found a dress that fit his standards and even though I hated it, I was happy he was done with his incessant whining.
We'd get ready at my house, and he called me every name in the book before going downstairs and talking to my parents like the perfect gentleman they thought he was. I had mastered the art of pretending to be happy at that point. My parents didn't suspect a thing and that broke me more than anything Chris ever said to me.
I was alone, just like he wanted.
I watched as all the couples danced and laughed, enjoying their time with each other. I envied them all, so much so it burned.
"Why are you all by yourself?"
It was like a light appeared as soon as he sat beside me. "Tired, you?" He laughed, "Vanessa went to go freshen up." He nudged me in my side so I'd get his obvious hint. I laughed a genuine laugh for the first time in a long time. "I see, well there she is, you two better go before all the spots are taken." I smiled but it didn't reach my eyes. I wanted to throw up from the battle I was fighting in my head.
"Where's Chris?"
"Somewhere," I replied.
Devon placed his hand on mine, a comforting touch I ached for.
"Come on, let's find him."
"What about Vanessa?" We looked on as she waved him over, but he shrugged her off. "You're not okay, I don't know what's wrong, but I don't like seeing you like this. Why do we have to hang out less anyway? Is this all Chris's doing? We're gonna go find him, I'm tired of this." He grabbed my wrist and pulled me off into the hallway in search of my nonexistent boyfriend.
We'd been searching for twenty minutes, and I was just about ready to tell him to give it a rest and go back to his date until we heard moaning coming from a storage closet.
"Devon Don't!"
It was too late, He pushed the door open to find Chris, deep inside Jennifer Mitchell. He was furious but I laughed, I laughed like I never laughed before. Jennifer was so embarrassed she ran out of the room crying. Chris pulled his pants up and tried to come up with a good excuse to explain his latest position, but it was useless. He was so flustered I thought he'd piss himself.
"What are you laughing at Summer!? This is your fault! I wouldn't have to be with someone else if you weren't such a fucking prude!"
I kept laughing and it only made him angrier. Before he could throw more insults at me, Devon was already on top of him, beating him senseless. I let it go on for a second longer than I should've before convincing him to leave him alone. A teacher had heard the commotion and removed Devon from the premises, and I was left with a bloodied Chris.
"We're done."
And with that, I left the school and went to Devon to check on him. The adrenaline had worn off sooner than I would've liked. My amusement turned into deep sobbing that would last the entire night. I thought I was done with him, finally free from his clutches but his words stuck with me. They were carved into my very being, haunting me for years after him.
"And that was it, the beginning and the end until recently."
I was void of any emotion when I finished explaining to Kat what happened between me and Chris. It still hurt like a bitch but for some reason, I felt nothing.
"Thank you for sharing that with me Summer, I'm sure that took a lot."
She had no idea.
"Unfortunately, this is all the time we have today, but I'd like to see you again and we can dig deeper into what your relationship with Chris did to you. You can tell me more about this Devon character as well, how does that sound?"
"I'd actually really like that."
It felt good to get everything off my chest, Kat didn't interrupt me or judge. She listened and that's all I needed right now.
"I'm happy to hear that. I'll schedule us for the same time next Tuesday?"
"Sounds good, thank you for listening Kat."
She smiled and handed me a card, standing up to walk me to the door. "Of course Summer, see you soon!" I returned to my car and paused before pulling out of the parking lot. Suddenly everything hit me at once and I cried in my seat, screaming so loud it hurt my own ears.
"I'll make this up to you, I promise."
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Who else is happy Devon beat the shit out of Chris? 🙋🏽♀️