"I had three major problems I was never able to solve on my own, Tay. Instead, I just ignored them. But by not actually dealing with them, they show up in other ways." New fidgeted. This was harder than he expected.
Tay was someone he knew, someone he was falling in love with. Someone who had said he loved him!
"So?" Tay didn't look at him, just continued to drink his beer, letting New find his way.
"So... the first was my sexuality. Do I like boys, or girls or both? Does it matter? When I was younger, it nearly drove me crazy trying to figure it out. I loved kissing both sexes. I become aroused around both, but I wanted men more often. Relationships with girls are fun, but..." He shrugged slightly, words failing him.
He raised his eyes from his hands, holding on tightly to the can of beer and glanced at Tay. "You were a model too. You know it's not frowned on the same way there. Your sexuality means nothing, or being in a relationship won't make or break your career either."
"New, it won't either if you're an actor. Not if you approach it right."
"That's bullshit. I tried. I tried being open with my friendships, the ones I hoped to develop further. The fans went crazy mad against me." He made a shushing motion. "Let me finish, for that leads in into the second problem."
Tay nodded. Having a clearer understanding of Newwie's thoughts could only help him. He, too, had his scars.
"I was lonely. All the time, surrounded by people, smiling until my face hurt, but lonely. So depressed that by the time I went home, I wanted to end it all."
Tay dropped his can of beer. It fizzed and foamed, spattering all over the floor as the can rolled. He cursed and jumped up for some paper towel to clean it. "Fuck, New! Don't say something like that!"
"Why not? You wanted me to tell you. It's the truth. That's when I knew I needed help." New was watching the beer run from Tay's efforts to wipe it up, not bothering to move, the closer it got. Was he already buzzed?
"Because you have family and friends who care and who would miss you! Don't you care about that?" Tay snapped back, irritated at the spill that he just couldn't seem to clean. He was in shock, just not realizing it.
"Of course, I knew it. I told you, I went and got help." New took the paper towel from Tay's hands and wiped the beer, tossing the dirty papers in the trash. He glanced at him and was stunned.
"Why are you crying, Tay?" For he was. He had sat back down as far as he could in the small kitchen area and slow tears leaked from his eyes. The thought that New even CONSIDERED dying as a solution was horrifying to him.
"Don't you EVER say or EVEN think that again, Newwie!" His voice trembled. "I might die too."
"It's not like it happened." He held up his wrists. "See? Nothing. Look, it was just thoughts. I didn't actually act on them. I got help before that."
"It makes no difference. A thought is as good as a deed."
New dropped it. Normal people never understood anyway. "Then the death threats started. That's when I really broke. I mean, my brain shattered, as I call it. I stopped sleeping because I saw them everywhere. My fans trying to kill me for being in a relationship."
He shuddered. "Those dreams haunt me, even when I'm awake. Everywhere I go, in crowds, everywhere. I have to smile but I want to scream, STAY AWAY FROM ME! I am so scared of them, my fans."
Tay came close to him, New again had curled up into a small, tight ball. "It's not all of the fans, Newwie. Only a very, very tiny few."
"That's what you don't understand. Logically, I know that. In my brain, it's not." He shook harder. "It's hundreds, even millions of them, all trying to kill me for disappointing them. I'm pathetic!"
"If you are, then so am I." Tay snapped back. "I'm not as good-looking as you, but here we are. We both are actors, we both were models." He wondered if it was okay to hold him now.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" New met his eyes. "You are so better looking than me! You look like a fucking man, rugged and handsome."
"That's my point, babe. Everyone has different ideals. Different tastes in what beauty is." Tay stood, feeling old. "The floor is too cold. Let's go back to bed and finish talking."
He stood, with his hand held out, waiting for New to make up his mind. New stared at his outstretched hand and finally, grasped it. Tay pulled him to his feet and into his arms. He held him in a gentle hug. "Newwie, I'm not letting you go easily."
After settling back into bed, Tay cuddled beside New. "You said you saw a doctor?"
"Mmm, I still do." New wondered how much to tell him now. "I have a mental health illness, Tay."
"So? Are you on medication for it?"
"Yes and no. Yes, I have prescriptions, but I self administer. I take it only when I need too. It's no longer a daily dosing." New sighed. "The side effects were harder to deal with than the illness."
"I haven't seen you take any pills since you arrived."
"I didn't bring them. I didn't think I would need them. That's part having a mental health problem. You don't always see clearly. You don't recognize all the pitfalls until it's too fucking late. This time it was because I was under too much stress." He paused slightly, then continued. "That's why I do so much prep work, to prevent stress."
"Am I the cause of your stress?" Tay made Newwie meet his eyes, searching for the answers he needed.
"Not exactly the cause, Tay. But forcing me to deal with all of this, without my medication, yes, that is very stressful. I would safely say that's why I had the dreams."
"Fucking nightmares, not dreams!" Tay corrected.
New laughed. He laughed! "Why did I fall off the bed? Did you push me?"
"Nope!" He snorted. "You ran from your rabid fans."
"Ah, I should have guessed. Its not the first time I've woken on the floor."
Tay's fingers were drawing circles on his abdomen. It was meant to be comforting, but now that they were talking freely, it was more of a distraction to New. He tried hard to not think of how it made him feel.
"Where do we go from here, New? What do I do to help?"
"I don't know." New still knew there was much more to tell him, but for now, it was enough.
"Are we good?"
"I don't understand what you mean?"
"I mean," Tay's fingers slid up and gently, very gently rubbed his nipple, "Are we good? Are we in a relationship now? I don't want to let you go, Newwie."
So different was this touch, New instantly felt the heat build. It was as if his body was born to be just for Tay. "Oh fuck!"
"I'm too new at this. I don't understand it. But," As he flipped the duvet off of them, exposing New's body, "I do know I want you ever time I'm around you. Why is that, New? Can you tell me?"
New's chest arched slightly to meet his mouth as it came in contact with his other nipple. He anticipated a fierce attack, instead Tay slowly, gently laved with his tongue in slow circles. "Oh my fucking god! You're an evil man, Tay Tawan!"
Against his chest, Tay smiled. He wouldn't forget anything that was said tonight. But if Newwie only slept soundly after sex, well, he would fuck him until he forgot all his worries! He slid his hand down and found him already hard and throbbing.
"Mmm," he vibrated against the nipple. Lifting his head, he was pleased to see it was just as red and swollen as if he bit it. Nice! "You have no answer for me? Do you want me, New, just as much?" He bent his head and began to lick the other nipple, as he teased the tip of the hard cock, by drawing just his fingertip over it.
"Damn you," New gasped, "No kisses, nothing... Of course I fucking want you!" As he tried to control his body but it betrayed him. Then, out of nowhere a though hit him. Why are you fighting it? Doesn't it feel good? Amazing? Let him love you!
Tay felt him let go... felt the tension fall from his body. He raised his head and searched his face and grinned. New's eyes were closed and a blissful expression was on his face. His lips were barely parted but his color was high.
New raised a hand and tangled it in his hair. "Well? What the fuck are you waiting for? Make me happy!"
"Yes, Sir!" Tay could not resist the way he looked and inched further up. He thought about kissing him gently, but those softly parted lips, they said PLUNDER! So plunder he did! He fucked his mouth with his tongue and soon, it became a dance of tongues, as New became fully engaged, with each man tasting, teasing and exploring.
All of Tay's thoughts and promises went flying as New tugged and pulled his hair, using it to guide and control his head. It felt good, but it was dangerous. It made him WANT to leave his mark on New, so that no one else would ever touch him again.
He broke the kiss and growled, "I love you, Newwie. I love you so fucking much!" With that, he bent his head, and it was New's turn to howl and buck as his teeth were sunk in, harder than usual, in a delicate spot behind his ear. He stopped and softened the pain by licking and lapping until he heard the deep panting.
New had placed a hand on his chest as a reaction to the bite, to push him away. Once it hit his hard pectoral muscles, Tay stopped biting and so did his hand. He groaned. Lifting his head, "Touch me at the same time, please, New?"
He asked for it, so New curved his fingers and clawed them down his back, just as he had dreamed of doing so many times. Right now, he wasn't going to let his fears stop him. Tay howled as the pain hit. Fuck, they made magic together!