1962 CAFE CANAVERAL
INT. HALLWAY
Wheels rattled and quick footsteps sounded.
There was a soft hooting.
Doors bumped open and shut.
A soft snuff sounded and the low hooting continued as a crate stopped in a room.
The crate was opened and Grace said, "It's okay, little fella. No one's gonna hurt ya."
The creature chittered softly.
Grace reached out her hand and the little chimpanzee took it.
A video camera whirred and the chimp hooted softly.
A stopwatch clicked and a bell dinged.
The chimp worked levers and such while grunting softly.
He finished, looked up, grunted and squeaked.
Grace pressed the stopwatch and it clicked.
The chimp hooted and everyone applauded.
Grace held out her arms and the chimp bounded over, hooting excitedly before hugging Grace. Reginald watched from the back of the room and the two exchanged a nod.
They watched as a chimp was launched into space.
"This is Mercury control," a man said. "The Mercury spacecraft umbilical is out. Nine, eight, seven, six... five, four, three, two, one. Ignition..." Pogo shrieked and hooted softly. "Cabin pressure holding, 5.5." Pogo continued hooting softly. "Everything is a-okay in the cockpit." A bell dinged and Pogo hooted. The console beeped. "He's going to hand-control movement now." An alarm beeped and controllers clicked. A thunderous boom sounded, as did a warning bell. Pogo chittered nervously and shrieked before falling silent.
"Do you have any word from the recovery troops?" a man asked while Grace turned to Reginald.
Pogo was brought into the medical wing on a gurney. He was severely burnt. Grace put on a stethoscope and checked his vitals. She started CPR on Pogo. Reginald entered, holding a syringe of a red liquid and Grace nodded, stepping back. Reginald inserted the serum into Pogo and he opened his eyes and looked around. Grace gasped and hugged Reginald.
INT. ROOM
Reginald read in Ancient Greek. He began reading in English. ""Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all ways of contending, the wanderer, harried for years on end...""
"Reggie, he's sleepin'," Grace told him.
Pogo squeaked softly.
Reginald stood. "Then I suppose Homer will have to wait."
EXT. MEXICAN CONSULATE
"You know, I'm starting to get the feeling Dad's avoiding us," Five said.
Lila sighed. "Hate to be the boring one, guys, but, uh, it's time we get the hell out of here." She started walking away.
Five followed, his hands behind his back. "When you say "we," who exactly are you referring to?"
"Not a lot of ambiguity in that sentence."
"Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but whatever it is, I'd advise you return posthaste."
"She's right, Five," Diego told him. "We gotta get outta here."
"I just saved your life, you kinder-shit," Lila said. "If I hadn't stepped in, all that would be left of you is a blazer and some bloody socks and a plaid shirt and bloody shoes."
"And that's the problem," Five said. "You're too good. You ask too many questions. You know too much. And you fight like you know what you're doing."
"He's got a point," Diego agreed.
"So I know how to handle myself, and that makes me the bad guy?" Lila questioned.
Five narrowed his eyes. "Whoever you are, you're in my way. If I see you again, I will kill you." He started walking away.
Guinevere glared at Lila. "Why didn't you save me or Diego?"
"I was told to protect Five," Lila replied.
"Just him, huh? Great. You stay away from us. You so much as try to make a move on my husband, you won't see what I've got coming for you. I mean it."
Lila turned. "Diego, we need to go."
Diego tilted his head slightly. "I was getting my ass handed to me back there. Like Gwen said, you helped Five, not me or her. Why?"
"Because he's a kid and you're a man and she's a woman. Bloody act like one." Diego took Guinevere's hand and they started walking away. "Diego, I... I... We shouldn't..."
Diego turned. "You know what? I'm used to dealing with liars, Lila, but I like it better when I know what they're lying about." He and Guinevere walked away.
"Oh, come on, Diego. Really? You're just gonna walk away?" Diego started running off. "Diego." Lila walked in another direction.
INT. CHESTNUT HOME
Klaus woke up on the floor groaned and Ben asked, "And how are we feeling this morning?"
"Oh, peaches and cream," Klaus replied. "How are you?"
"Curious, how many more rock-bottoms are you gonna have to hit before you start taking care of yourself?"
Klaus sighed. "I'm thinking of a number between... 11 and... 25."
"What ghost are you talking to now?" Allison wondered as she walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen.
"Oh, just another... just another old cowboy. Texas is lousy with them." Klaus sat against the fridge. "They're usually pretty cute, but this one is... this one is ugly and... dumb."
"Is that really necessary?" Ben asked.
"Mm-hmm." He opened his flask and drank before offering it to Allison. "You want some?"
"Klaus, if you're looking for an enabler, look elsewhere," Allison told him as she picking up an empty bottle.
"Allison, your marriage is in trouble and your rally turned into a riot. If now's not the time to do some drink party, I don't know when is."
She sat next to him. "What happened?"
"Oh, where to begin?" he chuckled. "My claustrophobic cult tracked me down, I fell off the wagon, and I professed my undying love for..." he belched, "this young gay man who doesn't know he's gay yet at a 1963 diner in front of his blatantly closeted uncle. Yeah, well, not in that order, but..." He drank more. "Mmm! Aren't we a pair?"
Allison took the flask from Klaus and sniffed the liquor. "Oh, Jesus."
Klaus laughed softly and Allison dropped the flask to the floor.
"Hey, uh, excuse me," Klaus protested.
"Attagirl," Ben commented.
"I've got a blender and some much better booze," Allison told him. "So, if we're gonna start day-drinking, we should do it right."
Klaus whimpered. "I love you so much." Allison chuckled and stood. "Yeah. Yeah!" She pulled him up and he fell back, holding his head.. "Oh!"
EXT. FARMHOUSE
Chickens clucked, cows mooed and a rooster crowed.
INT. FARMHOUSE
Sissy and Vanya were in bed together, the former holding a cup of coffee while the latter slept.
Vanya stirred and opened her eyes.
"Morning," Sissy greeted.
"Hey," Vanya replied. "Is that coffee?"
"Want some?" Vanya nodded and took the mug and drank the coffee.
"What time is it?"
Sissy sighed. "I don't know, and I don't care."
"Yeah, you do."
Vanya glanced at the clock. "Oh, my God."
"I think we've earned a day off. Okay, half a day. A few hours. Hush up." Sissy took the coffee back and placed it on the table beside her bed.
The women faced each other and Vanya asked, "What is it? Do we need to talk?"
"A-About..."
"Do you want to?"
Sissy sighed heavily. "Talking makes things real, and real things end. This feels sweeter than that." She rested her head on Vanya's shoulder and smiled.
Vanya gently rubbed Sissy's shoulder. "You know yesterday when you were talking about us running away? What if we could?"
"Where would we go?"
"Somewhere safe for Harlan, where we could be together like this all the time."
Sissy lifted her head. "I'd go there right now." She kissed Vanya.
Vanya embraced Sissy and the two started kissing again.
A dog barked and Sissy chuckled.
A horn honked as a car came up the drive and Sissy gasped and said, "Oh, shit. Carl's back early."
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
Luther was making scrambled eggs while the twins ran around the table.
"No, no, no, I don't understand. They keep following me," Diego said.
"Wait, who?" Luther asked.
"This Dutch sociopaths." He started walking towards Luther.
Guinevere glanced at her husband. "They're Swedish, dear."
Five glanced at Guinevere. "Like she said, they're Swedish, you idiot. Hired guns paid to eradicate us before we do any more damage to this timeline."
"Yeah, but why now?" Diego asked. "I mean, I'm..." he snapped his fingers, "...fine for three months until you showed up."
"Yeah, I was here for a year and no-one messed with me."
Guinevere crossed her arms. "Look, we were all okay until Five came and messed things up. Liam, Layla slow do-" Liam ran into a counter and fell, "-wn. This is why we don't run inside."
"Yeah," Layla taunted.
"Layla Grace, you were running too."
"Sorry, Mommy."
"Just be careful. Are you okay, Liam?"
The little boy nodded and stood.
Diego turned back to Five and spread his hands to either side.
Five glanced at them, mostly between Luther and Diego. "Even if it was my fault, which it isn't, we only have six days before the end of the world, and the closest anyone's gotten to Dad was that driveway at the consulate."
"Well..." Luther sighed, "...that's not exactly true." He looked up and the others looked at him curiously.
Five walked towards Luther. "What do you mean?"
"I saw him."
"Oh, shit!" Luther cried as he fell through the blue mass and hit the dumpster.
He stood and made his way to the entrance of the alley. "Five! Diego! Allison!"
"Allison!"
"Allis--" the old man cried.
Luther was counting money as a man closed a trunk. "Two-ninety-two, Two-ninety-three..." He walked to the bus driver. "Hey, um, I'm seven cents short."
"Uh... give me what you got," the bus driver told him.
Luther gave him the money from his cup and some fell to the ground. "Oh, shit." He and the bus driver leaned down to pick up the money. "Damn it. Sorry about that. Thanks." He climbed onto the bus.
The bus driver groaned. "That boy stinks."
Brakes hissed and the bus drove down the road.
Luther got to his stop and got off and let out a sigh. "Home."
He was at the Umbrella Academy. He exhaled. ""This is gonna sound crazy, but Reginald Hargreeves, I am your son.""
He entered to come upon a party.
Luther walked through the halls. "Dad."
Reginald Hargreeves spoke. "Please, the world's never going to end in such a cliché. Believe me. I know how endings feel."
"Reg, with all these bombs and big red buttons, we're bloody close to the end of the world," another man said. "Even a fool can see that."
"I will give you this: the physics of numerous quanta tells us that we cannot be certain about anything, especially if time is concerned. Even if you knew everything there s to know about right now, you could never predict what will happen next. We don't live in a universe of rules, we live in a universe of chances. Some events, however, are more likely than others. For instance, it is a near certainty that in the next few minutes," he stepped forward, "I am going to get another glass of champagne." The guests laughed. "Would you look at that?"
Reginald adjusted his monocle and walked across the room.
Luther blocked Reginald's path and said, "This is gonna sound crazy, but, uh... I'm your son."
"No, you're not." Reginald brushed past him.
Luther turned and chased after him. "But, no, I'm... I'm from the future."
"No, you're not."
"You adopted me and six other children. In 1989 and another in 1996."
"No, I didn't." He reached the bar to get more champagne.
"I -- I know about the moon base. I know about all your experiments with monkeys."
"Apes."
"Look, I know everything about you. Please... I need your help."
"Listen, I don't know who sent you or what you want, but you can run back to your masters at the CIA or KGB and tell them that this is the most ridiculous gambit in spycraft history."
"What? Why? Why is it ridiculous? You know time travel is possible."
"Time travel isn't a problem. I have a deep dislike of children. I do not have them, nor do I intend to have them, but if for some reason I did, I would expect more from then than a scruffy face, poor hygiene, and your grotesque, simian proportions."
"But... I took a bus."
"I don't care. Now, take yourself and the stench of failure that encircles you and get out of my house." He walked away.
People whispered as Luther stood there.
INT. ELLIOTT'S OFFICE
"That's pathetic," Diego said.
"Yeah, well, at least he didn't shank your ass," Luther replied.
"No, bro, he shanked your heart."
"Mm."
Elliott entered and looked at Luther's attire. "Is that my bathrobe?"
"No."
"Look, who care what he shanked?" Five said. "He knows something about time travel."
"Wait, why don't you just do your thing and, uh, time travel us out?" Elliott suggested.
Five stood. "Anyone care to explain?"
"First time he tried, he got lost in the apocalypse," Luther informed.
"Second time, he ended up without hair on his balls," Diego continued.
Five poured himself coffee. "Last time I tried, I scattered my family across three years in Dallas, Texas, possibly triggering a doomsday. Any more questions, Elliott?"
"Uh, no," Elliott answered.
"Guys, you're missing the big picture," Diego told them. "Dad is the ringleader of a sinister cabal that's planning to kill the president."
Guinevere rolled her eyes and eyed Diego. "I really do love you, but stop talking about Kennedy. You shouldn't change history."
Diego frowned. "I can save him."
"Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."
"A cabal?" Luther repeated.
"Ignore him," Five said. "Look, the way I see it, we only have one option."
"Oh, yeah? And what's that?"
"It's time to get the Umbrella Academy back together."
"Hell, yeah. Family meeting," Diego commented.
Luther held up a forkful of scrambled eggs. "Okay then, can one of you get Allison, please?"
"You two still a thing?" Luther shifted his head slightly and Diego leaned forward. "Do we need to talk?"
"No, she's married."
"Whoa. Dude, that's rough."
"I can handle it." He chuckled.
"I'll get her," Five decided. "Can you get Vanya without, uh, squeezing her to death?"
"I'll try."
Five spatial jumped away.
"Wait!" Elliott called. "D... Uh... What should I do?"
Diego and Guinevere smiled. "Prepare for company."
"Altogether!" the twins yelled and the adults chuckled.
Layla went to investigate the gas machine Elliott had and he said, "Don't touch that."
"What is it?" Liam asked, joining his sister.
"It's gas that dentists use to numb a patient."
"Is that why you and Uncle Luther were laughing last night when Liam and me were trying to sleep?" Layla questioned.
"Uh, yes."
Guinevere narrowed her eyes. "You and Luther were getting high while my children were trying to sleep?! Elliott, Luther, Diego and I trusted you with our children and you do this?!"
"I-I'm sorry. It won't happen again."
"It better not because there's going to be some serious trouble if it does. Liam and Layla need to be watched because they're children and they can get up to anything."
Diego nodded. "That's an understatement." He kissed the top of Guinevere's head. "Let's just be glad the twins are okay."
"I am glad. I'm just irritated at the babysitters."
"And you have every right to be, darling."
Liam and Layla walked up to Guinevere and hugged her before saying, "It's okay, Mommy."
Guinevere knelt down and hugged her children. "I love you two."
"I love you too, Mommy," Layla replied.
"And me too," Liam said. "This much!" He spread his arms as far as he could reach.
"This much for me too!" Layla exclaimed, copying her brother.
Guinevere laughed and placed one hand on Liam's right hand and the other on Layla's left hand before saying, "Mommy loves you that much and more."
The three hugged again and the twins ran off to play.
INT. FARMHOUSE
"Oh, you should've seen it, honey," Carl said as Vanya slowly walked closer. "He said, "All the HoJo's in the Southwest District." And I said, "All the HoJo's?" 'Cause I wasn't sure if I heard him right. And he said, "Yup! All the HoJo's."" He noticed a figure had ended. "Vanya, did you hear the news?"
"How would she, Carl?" Sissy asked. "She doesn't subscribe to Showerheads Today."
"I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna let that jape pass without a comment."
"That is a comment."
"Vanya, you are lookin' at the man who has closed the biggest deal ever for Waterton Shower and Shower Accessories Limited."
Carl was playing Operation at the kitchen table.
"That's great, Carl," Vanya said.
"Thank you, Vanya. You see, Sissy? That is how you congratulate the consummate conquering breadwinner."
"Carl, stop," Sissy told him as he hugged her from behind.
"Baby, I got such a day planned for the three of us. First, we'll hit up the Egyptian Room breakfast buffet, then watch some mutton bustin', and then take it to Cattlemen's for a big ole steak. Mmm... Hey, Vanya. Why don't you go ahead and take some time off?" he chuckled.
"Carl, Stop. Not in front of Harlan."
Carl scoffed. "Harlan don't care. I just want a kiss."
"Can't you wait till we're alone?" The game of Operation buzzed.
"No, baby. No, I can't."
"Well, you're gonna have to." Carl walked away.
"Carl," Vanya called.
"Stay out of this, Vanya."
"Sissy," Carl said as the buzzing grew louder. "The hell's going on with you?"
"I'm just sick and tired of you not listening!"
Carl slammed the table. "Well, I'm sick and tired of having to fight for your goddamn attention. Are you my wife or not?"
Vanya's power caused a glass to shatter and thunder to rumble.
"What in the hell was that?" Carl asked.
Harlan took Vanya's hand, calming her.
Sissy walked up to her son. "Harlan, honey? Let's get your shoes on. Come on."
"Are you okay?" Vanya asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She helped Harlan stand. "Just spending the day with my family." She led Harlan away.
Vanya stood and began walking away as Carl looked at her strangely and a door shut.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Lila walked into the room. "Did you set me up?"
"Sweetie, really?" the Handler questioned.
"Those Nordic shitwits? You said they were Commission. You said they were on our side. Well, I was in the process of executing our mission, my mission that you gave me, and they got in the way."
"Oh, my."
"And now my cover's blown. Five wants to kill me, Guinevere threatened me, and I don't know what the hell it is you're after."
"Did you bring me what I asked for?"
Lila pulled something from her dress and dropped it on the table. "Here. Diego's knife."
"Sit."
"No."
"Yes, you're bleeding, and all that rage is bad for your complexion. Sit."
She walked around the coffee table. "Fine, but I'm not done being mad at you." She sat.
The Handler got up and grabbed a bottle. "You're right. I have been lying to you. Commission..." she poured it on Lila's injured arm, "has no idea," Lila gasped softly, "that we're here." She patted a cloth along Lila's arm.
"So, what are we doing here?"
"We are..." she stood and left the couch, "making something right..." she opened a desk drawer and pulled out a first aid kit, "that has been wrong for a very, very long time." She returned to the couch.
"Just about done with your riddles, Mum."
She sat and unzipped the first aid kit. "Oh, are you just about done now? You've done a couple missions, now you know everything? Huh? Is that it? Huh? Big Lila, all in charge, not trusting her mother, her mother who yanked her out of that horrid little slum," she cleaned Lila's arm, "her mother who rescued her from those gin-addled, neglectful parents, her mother who taught her to live, how to love, how to survive?"
"You've just said you lied."
"You lied to them and they lied to me and everybody lies to everyone else. Grow up, buttercup." She placed the bandage on and slapped Lila's arm.
"Ow."
The Handler sighed. "If I thought you needed to know the truth, I would've told you the truth, but you didn't, and so I didn't, and everything worked out just fine."
"No, it hasn't. I lost Five."
"Is he dead?"
"No. But he kicked me out of his merry little band."
"Ugh. Your wound is weeping."
"Oh. Oh, my dear, that... that's not a problem at all."
"Why not?" Lila handed the Handler a cloth.
"Well, because... I have a very busy day scheduled for us." She pulled out a mirror and looked at herself. "Oh... Ugh."