Warning: a lot of descriptive blood. Also the last part of this story is not a healthy way of thinking or thing happening in general so please don't romanticize it.
It had been about a week... Well, almost a week since I was still standing here. They wouldn't let me leave this god damn room no matter what. Not even for a walk in the hospital garden or a proper meal. I was sick of this. This... isn't how I wanted to spend the last of my days. They know that's it so why are they clinging onto that small glim hope?! ...I'm sorry, I know why. I would do the same if anyone close to me was in this situation.
I started to cry. This is just like the old days... Not seeing myself even nearly as worthy as anyone who cared about me. They're already the kindest people to even care about someone like me...and here I am, blaming them for it. I sighed and looked out the window. The night is dark as ever again. It's just that...the last couple of months were wonderful, best time of my life if I'm not feeling this way because it's nearing the end but I just had so much fun. Nothing to worry about, no past lying on me as I could hide it or lie and he didn't ask all that much about it. Ah, and of course, there was him. All the time him and I spent felt really special as well. Everything just felt perfect...even if it wasn't and I was running away from everything.
I'm sorry. I kept staring at the windowed and gave out a rather sarcastic chuckle. Hah-ha, I wonder how much longer can I say this for? I felt the guilt weighing down on me again as I thought about everything but it didn't matter now, the words had no meaning either. Everyone would probably forgive me at this point even if I had hurt them really badly at some point, they're all very kind. I wonder if Will would forgive me too... He didn't come here since then. Ah, I shouldn't have said it like that but I thought he would at least understand me but maybe I was too fast on judgement. I just wanna know what more is there that I'm missing out instead of waiting here for my time to end...And I won't.
I opened the window as the cold breeze entered the room, as if it was reassuring me. Luckily I wasn't too high up but I was still on the third floor so I took every piece of cloth I could find in the room in such a hurry and tie them together, I hope this will carry me. I pulled the bed close to window and although it had wheels, it still should be heavy enough to not move as much. I tied one end of my rope made out of blankets to the bed frame and started going down while holding the other end.
That didn't go as well and I ended up falling down but still could cling onto my so-called rope so I didn't have any serious injuries on my legs, maybe just a few cuts. I kept running, I don't think anyone would notice I was gone for a while; enough for me to go far anyway. I jumped and held onto the hospital fence. It was tall but I still managed to get through it, it was just that my legs hurt more now but I still had to make it, I wanted to see him.
I kept running and running, I should be far enough from the hospital now so I had some time to rest. I felt my breath running out for a moment and so I had to. I coughed and more blood, maybe a bit more than how it's used to but it's nothing for me now so it's definitely not going to stop me. I went back to running; it was as if my legs were begging me to stop, they hurt so badly but not now. It started pour slowly, nothing much just a few drops I could feel on my skin and that's when my legs really signalled out pain. There were blood gushing out, I somehow managed to get scars on my legs again. I chuckled to myself silently. 'Just like that night, huh?' I thought. 'Well then, it's perfect time to meet him again.' I kept running, for very long miles but I was gonna get there. See him one last time even if it was just a second before my end.
-
The rain wasn't heavy anyway but it seemed to near the end, it was almost as if I wasn't even feeling the drops fall down but just the sound of the rain. The sky was a warm red too, it was still early but the sun was rising. I had the hurry but luckily I was close. I recognized the neighbourhood I was in, the house were built similar around here as well as all the other buildings and sights; I could finally be more out in the open. Well, I wanted to so I was going to anyway; there aren't many people out this early anyway.
I kept running; although I was in the same neighbourhood, his house was still further away on the other side. My scars didn't bother me at all; I didn't even bother to check if they were worse, better or the same actually. They didn't bother me enough to stop me before either but now even though it hurt, I got used to it so it was as if I didn't feel anything and therefore I could keep running easily and before I knew, I was at the farther end of the park we'd always walk to. Either I was really fast or sometime really has passed.
I walked through the park slowly or rather, I just walked instead of running. It was a large park but not too long, you could reach the other end in less then 10 minutes if you hurried. The park was mostly empty, just a few people sleeping on the benches and such. I stopped and thought to myself for a minute. 'They have nowhere to go and I do but I feel bad, huh?' I took a deep breath and kept walking. Maybe I spent all my life expecting better and not being grateful enough, which would fill me with even more guilt than usual now but no... I couldn't let that happen.
I started running away, trying to brush those thoughts away and I realized I was at the other end already, I guess I was right. I went back to walking and as I looked around, all my memories with Will for the past months or weeks blossomed like a flashback but only I was thinking about it. It warmed up my heart a bit instead of the guilt and I couldn't help it anymore so a drop feel down from the edge of my right eye. A few more drops came out but still it was more like sobbing than crying.
A shock of pain went through my body as if it was reminding me of my time left. I wiped away the tears with my arms and started running again. His house wasn't far, I could make it there much faster. As I was thinking, I was proved to be right because his house was already in sight so I kept running, the sun wasn't all the way out yet but it was much brighter and out on the open. I knocked on his door, no response. I knocked again, no response. I made louder and heavier knocks on the door, still no response. Maybe he was asleep and was just coming out here but I didn't care, I wanted to see him one last time after he never came to visit me even once since then. I wanted to know why too, but that had to be done when I actually get to see him.
I kept knocking heavier and louder, repeatedly and wasn't gonna stop until that door was open, even if my hands started to bleed from the hits. Then I noticed the door slowly opening to reveal someone with a grumpy and tired face, probably had just woken up. "What the hell, it's 6 am and I was-" He cut off when he saw me. His faced resembled a surprised expression slightly but quickly turned back into how it was a few seconds ago. "(Y/n)?" I smiled. "Yes?" He took a deep breath in, it sounded like he was using all the might of his lungs, and let it out. "What are you doing here?" I was settled back but still tried to keep a smile. "I missed you so I came to see you...even if it's one last time." I whispered the last time but William just stood there in silence with the same expression. "Um, can I come in?" I asked. William nodded and walked away from the door. "Sure."
I entered and closed the door, it seems like William just noticed my fresh scars. "You've injured yourself again." He said, in an annoyed tone. "Yeah, the story is pretty much the same but it doesn't matter so don't-" He cut me off. "I'll go get the bandages, you sit on the couch and wai-" Oh no, this wasn't time. "No Will! Not right now!" I coughed, and just more blood in my hand. I looked back right at his face. "They aren't gonna do anything! I don't have much time left anyway so! So...please just talk to me." I don't know why I sounded so desperate, maybe guilt taking over me for yelling at him? I guess I never change, huh? He sighed and turned around, this time his face looked moreso disappointed.
"Why didn't come to see me ever again since then?" He didn't say anything and tried to avoid looking at my face. "William." I tried pressure him and seemed to get something out. "Ah, because, why does it matter now?" He grumbled. "What do you mean why does it matter now?" I asked, a little scared thinking he might have meant that I didn't matter anymore. "Coming to see you, it'll all end soon anyway and I didn't think you wanted me anymore." That was a lie, the last one was such a lie; I could tell by his voice but I still played along with it. "What do you mean? Of course I wanted! I wanted even spend this whole week with you!" He looked at my face but tried avoiding my eyes. "Only this week?" He asked and I backed off a bit. That hurt a little in all honesty. "Look, I'm sorry but I thought you understood." His expression hardened and he looked right into my eyes now. "Understand?! No, I for fucking heaven's sake don't! How can you throw all your possibilities to live away like that?!" I also started yelling. "I already told you! Because I don't wanna waste my life away in hospital rooms! You'd understand if you did too!" He shook his head, looking slightly angered but I continued. "And I'm really glad I didn't, no matter what you think. Those past few months were one of the best moments of my life if not the best. I actually felt happy in a long time and I'm glad I'll at least be going happy." He shook his head again and muttered some under his breath then talked to me. "You can leave now."
"What? Will, no! Please don't do this. Why can't you at least try to understand me a bit?!" He started yelling. "Oh no! I get it! And you know what? The past months have been the best I felt in years too! I finally had someone by my side again and I actually liked them...but now, I won't ever see you again." He bursted into tears, maybe he was finally opening up. I just stood there as he continued. "And, and there's nothing I can do... Just like my daughter, sons or ex-wife; I'll just have to watch you go. I hate that, but only if we were quicker; you could still be able to live by a chance! I know we won't even be able to meet if that was the case but...god fucking dammit, I just want to be able to do something to change things!" He covered his face with his hands. "Will..." I said in a quiet voice, came out almost like a whisper. I finally understood why he was so angry better. I didn't know what else to do so I just stared around and at him.
I felt very useless too, I just wish everything could be like the past months as I reimagined almost everything and then something came to my mind. I went to the kitchen and came back. "Then why don't you kill me instead? Then there would be something you can do, not exactly the way you wanted but I'm going anyway and I'm okay with it so...maybe I'd actually prefer my end to be like this and you would somewhat be able do something about it." I gave the knife I took to his hands. "(Y/n), what are you saying?!" He looked at me as if I've lost my mind, well, it was a weird thing to ask of him but I didn't care anymore. I was going to be a gone a few hours later if not minutes, maybe even seconds now and I just wanted to make up the lost time from this week by being in his arms. Is that bad to ask? "I'd rather die by your hands." I gave him a sad but actually warm smile. He pulled the knife up and brought it right down into my chest without looking at me. It hurt, the blood gushed out; turning my clothes into all crimson but I held back my urge to scream because I didn't want him to think I was in pain nor was this how I wanted to say goodbye. I pulled the knife out of my chest which hurt a lot but it didn't matter now. I hugged him then looked up to his face with his tearing eyes. I tried to give a big smile to the best of my abilities. "Thanks for giving me the best time of my life for a while. I love you, Will." I said with my last breath.